Oh my dear comrades, here we have yet another edition of the critically acclaimed article: Think Red!
Can you believe that this new iteration of this amazing publication is at article fourteen already! I know, neither can I! But I must say how wonderful it must be to grace your computer screens with such factual information. What a ray of sunshine it must be! To experience such clarity!
In any event, time is short, let us just get to the predictions!
ReVival 32 Predictions
RIA LOCKHART VS. DAYTONA DIAMONDS VS. BOBBY DEAN
Winner: Ria Lockhart because I know her, don’t know Daytona Diamonds, and know that Bobby Dean is a fat waste of space.
Yes, my justification for the winner may seem a little thin, but hey, better to be thin than a lummox like Bobby Dean, right? I wouldn’t be surprised if he went into diabetic shock before he even made it to the ring. Diamonds and Dean don’t know what they’re getting into. Lockhart will pick them apart.
SCOTT HUNTER VS. C. MORTGOMERY BYRNES
Winner: Newbie Scott Hunter because Montgomery Burns is still smarting from the absolute destruction he weathered at the hands of Ivan Stanislav at Colossus 2022.
Did I ever tell you that Ivan Stanislav completely decimated Monty last year? I’m not sure if I have. But there’s no way he’s healed yet. Let’s give it to the new guy. Not because I hold grudges, but because my instincts are usually correct!
PAXTON RAY VS. KENNY FREEMAN
Winner: Kenny Freeman of The Red Army through overpowering intensity.
Yes, Kenny Freeman was a joke before he joined The Red Army. But now? He’s nothing short of a force of nature. We don’t have much of a quarrel with Paxton Ray, but I have no doubt he is shuddering in his boots at the prospect of locking up with who I like to call “The Soviet Buzzsaw” Comrade Kenny!
CANCER JILES VS. ROCKY DE LEON
Winner: Cancer Jiles, because I still don’t understand exactly what FDP means.
I mean, I know what FDP stands for, I know the words, crass as they are, but what does it really mean? Sounds like someone who is trying to compensate for some deficiency, if you ask me. I cannot promote such vulgarity. Even with Cancer Jiles dealing with multiple, career-shortening beatings at the hands of Ivan Stanislav, I think he pulls out the win here.
ADAM ELLIS VS. ARTHUR PLEASANT
Winner: Arthur Pleasant
Some people say that Arthur Pleasant has a bit of a dark side to him. But I don’t think that. He’s just a very intense guy. So many short-sighted folks even think he’s kind of mean. But I don’t think so. He’s been perfectly cordial and friendly to members of The Red Army. It is a classic example of someone not getting their fare shake, and the PRIME roster misjudging someone to the detriment of all.
Well, now you reap what you sow. Have you seen what Pleasant has been doing the last few ReVivals? Total destruction. It’s only going to continue. Chew him up and spit him out, Arthur!
WADE ELLIOTT VS. SAGE PONTIFF
Winner: Sage Pontiff when Wade Elliot realizes his testicles are still on Lindsay Troy’s dresser and he gets himself counted out.
A very specific match prediction this time around, but who is to say it’s not going to happen? Seems likely to me. Elliot must have been something back in the day, but he lacks the longevity of, oh, say Ivan Stanislav. This much is for sure. Pontiff beats the poor, neutered male.
FIVE STAR TITLE MATCH: CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON (C) VS. NATE COLTON
Winner: Cecilworth Farthington in what will probably be a rather FORGETable match.
News flash, Comrades: I don’t like Nate Colton. I don’t know how anyone really could. This young man has done nothing but fail expectations everywhere he has gone. Why, it’s near criminal that this boy has been given so many title shots despite the extent of his abject-failure.
But I have to be honest, because I am nothing if not honest: Farthington is a bit of a strange egg. Or is it bottle of glue? I don’t quite know, honestly. Nonetheless, despite being terribly under-weight and under-height (in my estimation), Farthington is probably going to take Nate Colton apart, piece by piece. I shall revel in every minute of it.
I mean, let us be honest with ourselves, it won’t be an Ivan Stanislav main event, but then again, what is?! Still, destroy the upstart, Farthington. From what Ivan has told me it’s a fun past-time of his!
Well, my dear comrades, this is a shorter Think Red than I am sure anyone would prefer, but it is what it is. I was not about to let anything, however, stop me from writing to you all and giving you the predictions you so desperately need. No, not even severe, mind-numbing abdominal pain the likes of which one has ever experienced could stop me.
Yes, that is very specific, but it is also quite hypothetical, I promise!
So, dear comrades! Think about how boring this show will be without an Ivan Stanislav booking! Think about how wonderful The Red Army truly is! But always, dear comrades, always Think Red!