RUMOR MILLS: AUGUST 23RD EDITION

• • As the wrestlers left the PPG Arena after ReVival 33, they noticed a rental car in the parking lot with its windows totally steamed over. Not wanting to intrude on whatever ‘social networking’ might be going on inside, the talent shook their head, one muttered ‘dammit Adam and Ginny,’ and proceeded on to their cars.

 

• • Word has it that Dave Gibson is PISSED about his suspension and fining after the attack on one of Eddie Cross’s associates on ReV 33. Whispers abound that he plans to be in Cleveland, regardless of whether or not he is allowed in the building.

Hopefully this doesn’t spell disaster for EC.

 

• • An application submitted to name Coral Avalon’s forehead as one of the “Seven Natural Wonders of the World” has reportedly been rejected.

 

• • Authorities have submitted inquiries to PRIME offices over several dozen new Sid Phillips nicknames appearing everywhere else in recent weeks.

The prevailing logic is that there’s so many nicknames in his roster bio now that the excess nicknames are starting to leak out into places like Times Square, various social media websites, and in various audio logs found in old games released a decade ago.

There was also one very bizarre case where the name “Powerbombenheimer” was scrawled out in blood (ketchup?) on the floor of professional wrestler Terry Blackquill’s cheap apartment.

 

• • Apparently, no one told Tony Gamble that the ReVival 33 main event had been canceled. Not surprised by the fact that fans had left the arena – considering how angry everyone seems to be with Nate Colton – Tony and the rest of the Gamble Adoration Syndicate gathered in the first row with bags of chips and 64 ounce drinks. After a few minutes, when no music had hit and the crew started taking the ring apart, Tony threw a bag of chips at one of the ring crew and screamed out loud: “This is just like the damn parade in Chicago all over again!”

He and the rest of the GAS left immediately.

He has also been fined for assaulting a member of the ring crew.

 

• • Is ReV 34’s main event history in the making? Furious calculations and archival research by Tsuperstar Enterprises interns, as well as noted PRIME scholar Rike Menner, have highlighted a surprising revelation about the Intense Title match between FLAMBERGE and Chandler Tsonda.

In addition to having the potential for a symphony of sadism, the Intense Title match pits FLAMBERGE’s months-long winning streak against Tsonda’s chance to be the 3rd person in PRIME’s history to hit the Triple Crown. Only Killean Sirrajin and Nova have held the Universal, 5-Star, and Intense Titles. However, a gargantuan Glue-shaped task stands in front of Tsonda before any of the history books can be revised.

And please do not tell Chandler Tsonda that he could accomplish something that Lindsay Troy hasn’t. You know how he’ll act.

 

• • An application submitted to Taco Bell to create the Sticky Fontaine Bangawrap has reportedly been rejected. With extreme prejudice. By owls.

 

• • Max Kael? is preparing to open a Patreon in order to help support his rise to prominence in PRIME and the wrestling world in general. The Zaddy from a Labby had this to say when asked about it:

“For five dollars you can watch me eat my breakfast once a week. There is an average of four point three weeks a month which works out to a one dollar and sixteen cents a breakfast viewing! A real bargain! For ten dollars you get the five dollar tier breakfast viewing and your personal information sold to data miners! The FIFTY dollar tier is a real steal as you.. wait. Nobody said there were word limits for th-“

More to on this story as information becomes available.

 

• • Shameful word on the street from the world of Daniel Darby, FLAMBERGE’s one-time manager and one-time défendeur in the courts of France – apparently, in another desperate attempt to win back his former client, he is experimenting with crafting bug-flavored potato chips.

Prototypes have apparently tasted, in a word, “horrifying.”

 

• • An application to name FLAMBERGE “Time Magazine’s Sexiest Lizard Alive” has reportedly been rejected. Because that’s not actually a category. Yet.

 

• • In a Rumor Mills item that somehow isn’t ripped right from the Scandal Sheet, word around the water cooler is that a Zaddys of Wrestling calendar is going on sale in October, just in time for the holidays. While we haven’t been able to confirm who started these whispers, or who even is producing said calendar, the hot goss suggests that Dametreyus, Sonny Silver, Henry Keyes, Brandon Youngblood, Chandler Tsonda, Jared Sykes, and Wade Elliott are amongst the rumored calendar models.

If there is even a shred of truth to this, we will let you know.

(Ed. Note: Gary, if this is a prank, not a single person here is going to save you from Wade Elliott)

 

• • Apparently, Tony Gamble has been thinking about having No Laughing Matter join MVW so he could wander around backstage and talk about Jenny Colton’s feeding habits instead of posting them on Jabber and risk getting suspended.

With rumors of the possibility of PRIME reinstating the tag team titles, that option may be getting backburnered.

 

• • Despite public pressure, and despite the above rumor about the Zaddy Calendar, we are sticking to PRIME policy of not reprinting Savannah Scandal’s column. As a result, we are unable to tell you anything about Coral Avalon’s underground swordfighting ring, a secret tryst involving Anna Daniels, Eddie Cross, and Kohime Mori, or former PRIME star Rezin’s new career in corporate accounting and recent marriage to a hedge fund manager and HOA president in Des Moines. You’ll have to find that on your own.

(Ed. Note: Garold.)

 

• • An application submitted to Cecilworth Farthington to give the minotaur living in his hedge maze some pool time has been rejected. He said “no.”

 

• • We are hearing that PRIME is thinking about a company-wide talent contest, similar to America’s Got Talent. While planning is in its infancy stages, one person peripheral to PRIME is very interested. Chet Fleetwood, lawyer for Gray’s Wrestling Academy, has been applying to talent shows across the world to demonstrate his Flatulence Fanfare, where he farts the tunes of popular songs while wearing accompanying costumes. This act was rejected from a local talent show, even though Chet put Lindsay Troy as a reference.

 

• • Lots of rumors for the LOVE CONVOY this week. It is believed Vickie Hall and Nate Colton have been texting each other cute little bunny rabbit pictures. Meanwhile, Jonathan-Christopher Hall is rumored to propose a new tag team run with Nate Colton if the division ever starts up again. Most importantly, however, it is rumored Darin Zion is on the OUTS with the LOVE CONVOY and will be completely replaced by Nate Colton. Apparently Vickie wants nothing to do with Zion’s consistent losses and his “phoning in” of matches. Now that she has the attention of a SIGNIFICANT wrestler in Colton, Vickie is ready to “purge the uselessness” away.

 

• • The Anglo Luchador’s rattlesnake, La Llorona, was rumored to… GODDAMMIT GARY, I AM NOT PRINTING THAT. JESUS CHRIST, DUDE.

 

• • The health of Ivan Stanislav has been a subject of much discussion as of late. Rumors of alleged “Big Tum Tum Pain” has been bandied about, but that isn’t the least of it. While Stanislav vehemently denies any kind of gastro-intestinal pain at all, the rumors have ranged from simple tum tum pain, to Ivan Stanislav being outright dead and having been replaced by a “Mecha-Ivan.”

We asked Ivan Stanislav if he was still human, or instead a human/cyborg Russian super soldier, however, his response was very aggressive and his words were VERY Russian. We decided to instead just wait and see.

 

• • Lastly, sources are reporting that there are concerning reasons for Brandon Youngblood’s relative silence after successfully defending the Universal Championship against The Anglo Luchador.

What could they be?

“Mental health. Brandon Youngblood has been checking into a psychiatric ward in his home of Eau Claire.” When asked to elaborate, this source stated, “his world is crashing down around him. It’s one thing to fight against inevitability, or even to cower, but to stoop to such depths to gain sympathy for oneself is disgusting. Then again, this is a recurring theme with Youngbloods.”

Further pressed, our source parted, stating, “Mental illness is a serious matter. The damage it can leave behind is perilous. We hope Brandon doesn’t choose to hurt himself, as well. We also hope he doesn’t make the same mistake his brother Christopher made.”

For those unaware, Christopher Youngblood was a sibling of Brandon’s who tragically took his own life shortly after the Universal Champion began his career in professional wrestling.