Once more, Alexei Ruslan brings to you what Russian people have called “The Best, Most Unbiased Publication in Professional Wrestling.” Yes, you know what I speak of! Think Red!
The Sun Rises Upon PRIME
I remarked the other day in Jabber (which I will say, even though it is not open to the public, there is so much laudatory praise for Ivan Stanislav and myself!), about what a great time it is to be alive. And even within PRIME itself, the negative and mean-spirited people’s notwithstanding, the sun seems to be rising on the organization as a whole.
Why, just look at the championship picture. Finally, at long last, men of true character and integrity are finally getting their due!
-Cecilworth Farthington is the Five Star Champion, and as we all know, I have never, ever betted against Mr. Farthington!
-FLAMBERGE is the Intense Champion, and let’s face it, if he hadn’t been so overcome with an offer to join The Red Army when we arrived, he would have already been a member!
-Tony Gamble is… well… I mean there’s Tony Gamble. But I suppose it’s better than having someone else hold the title. Right?
What I mean to say is, on top of these fine champions, there is also no Tag Division. “Eminence” killed it with their uninspired wrestling and penchant for chicanery. Why, it’s safe to say that Ivan Stanislav single handedly defeated the tag champions on his own! Yes, it would be better if the Masters of the Moscowverse were tag champions, but I understand if Lindsay Troy was so shocked and dismayed by the state of her champions that she just killed the entire division outright.
Who can blame her? She probably knew that, should myself and Ivan Sergeiovich throw our hats into the tag division, we would run roughshod!
But yes, you know where I’m going with this. Despite the fact that titles aren’t held by the Coltons’ or Sykes’ or Hanlons’ or the Avalons’ of PRIME, there is still one annoying matter at hand:
Do you know that PRIME was so desperate to prop up Mr. Youngblood’s psyche that they floated booking myself in a match with him? Me! A non-wrestler. Hardly a sporting match for the all-mighty Universal Champion. Yet rumor has it that despite the fact that I was receptive to such an offer, they quickly shut it down. Do you know why?
Because what if Alexei Ruslan actually defeated Brandon Youngblood? Could you imagine the temper tantrum that man-child would have thrown? It would have been one for the ages!
I would have hoped his cushy lifetime contract would have a “no bitching and moaning” clause included, just to save us all from the inevitable.
However, we can rest easy. Every day is a step closer to vindication! To releasing the Universal Title from the clammy, desperate grip of a man who has had so much of his own Kool-Aid that he demands respect from everyone else.
Ivan Stanislav will not bow to such a man. He will not bend to such a man. And I use “man” loosely. This boy. No. Dog, has been in the ring with Ivan Stanislav, and he has folded each and every time. Mr. “Daddy of Suplexes” has failed to lift The Russian Bear on multiple occasions. And he only survived the Murder Rumble thanks to ten other allies all working in tandem to throw Ivan Stanislav out of the ring.
I won’t even get into how that entire match was a farce. I’m looking at you, Chandler Tsonda, taking Ivan Stanislav’s hard-earned spot!
So, my friends, I encourage you to soldier on as we all do. The Revolution is coming. It is just about upon us. Brandon Youngblood has skated throughout his entire career. But no longer! Now, the true champion has arrived. Ivan Stanislav. And your bluster and bawling will do nothing to stop the inevitable!
Grand Red Army News!
We understand how disheartening it can be to have a ReVival without Ivan Stanislav smashing a capitalist to bits! Believe me, Ivan Sergeiovich hears your wails of unhappiness. But together, we felt it would be nice to do something extra special for ReVival 34.
The Red Army has procured special airtime to put forth a small set of informational materials to truly convey the importance of Ivan Stanislav’s looming victory at UltraViolence. An expose on the “Battle for PRIME” if you will! A time when we will shuffle off the shackles of Youngblood mediocrity and have a true champion of the people! Not some self-centered man who does nothing but tack on extra monikers in a vain attempt to maintain his relevance!
Prepare for an enlightening look at not just the man, Ivan Stanislav, but also the importance of his upcoming match.
But that is not all!
New Red Army Member to be Announced!
Without letting the proverbial cat out of the bag, we will be announcing a NEW member of The Red Army at ReVival 34! So many have shown interest since someone has had the guts to stand up to Brandon Youngblood and his sycophants! Yes, the Revolution grows! And this person is certainly sure to make a seismic impact! This is an announcement no one should miss.
Especially you, Brandon Youngblood!
ReVival 34 Predictions
ALIAS TITLE: TONY GAMBLE (C) VS. ADAM ELLIS
Winner: Tony Gamble
Gosh I don’t know. When I state that I believe Tony Gamble will win, I kind of feel like I need to take a shower and wash my mouth out with lye. Still, the alternative is Mr. Ellis, who’s wife so frequently reminds me of the gun-toting culture in America that, frankly, I can’t root for him, or her. So enjoy it, Tony Gamble. I’m sure you’re used to being “lesser” but at least you’re the “lesser of two evils.” It has to be liberating to know that Ivan Stanislav is rooting for you! You’re welcome!
ABE LIPSCHITZ VS. MAX KAEL?
Winner: Max Kael. Is this a question? Or is it a statement? Is it a name? What is going on here?!
So there’s known and unknowns, right? And there are unknown knowns, and there are known unknowns. I hate to quote an American warmonger (here’s looking at you, Donald Rumsfeld), but let’s us break it down. I don’t know anything about Max Kael. I don’t even know why the typesetter on the website keeps ending his name with a question mark. Does PRIME truly not know who this person is? Is this the low to which the quality of our product has become? Whatever it is, I do know this: Abe Lipschitz is a pain-in-the-ass idiot. And I don’t like those types to win. So enjoy it Max. You can thank me later. Or should that be a question? Will you thank me later? Let’s just move on. I just can’t.
I just can’t?
DARIN ZION VS. JARED SYKES
Winner: Darin Zion
I will try to write this with as few words as possible, because anything with Jared Sykes is best written with brevity.
Jared Sykes SUCKS.
KENNADE STARR VS. LOGAN JAMES
Winner: The Vendors in the Rocket Mortgage Fieldhouse
Great time to buy popcorn you damned capitalists. How is a person who isn’t even 5’ tall and barely 100 lbs. a part of our roster? And the other person, James? Eh, I don’t know a thing about him. I had to clip my toenails, and that was more interesting.
ANNA DANIELS VS. JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL
Winner: Alexei: Anna Daniels. Ivan Stanislav: Jonathan-Christopher Hall
Yes, folks, it happens from time to time. My opinion diverges with Ivan Stanislav. But I felt it necessary to put both of our opinions out there in the spirit of fairness. After all, are we not good comrades?
Personally, I think Anna Daniel’s has the chops to get a win over JCH, and yet Ivan has stated that “a Revolutionary fire burns within the bowels of Vickie Hall, which must only be ignited in explosive fashion.”
I don’t know if there’s more meaning to that, or not… I’m not really sure how to expand upon any of that.
Maybe it is best I move on.
HAYES HANLON VS. THE ANGLO LUCHADOR
Winner: (with great reservations) The Anglo Luchador
Ouch. That hurt.
But let no one say I have ever been petty. Hayes Hanlon is a thief in the night. He is a ne’er do well of tremendous proportions. He is an arch-villain, drug using vagabond who has no business being in this great sport. He drags down the prestige of PRIME under the weight of his own shame.
And The Anglo Luchador? Well, just the other day on the aforementioned Jabber, who wholeheartedly endorsed Ivan Stanislav as the true locker-room leader of PRIME. So it does show, people, that a man can grow! A man can understand and rectify the folly of his ways! And for his support, we thank him.
With this newfound outlook, I think The Anglo Luchador will make short work of Hayes Hanlon. I certainly hope so. Nothing has been finer than watching Hanlon’s downward spiral continue, on and on, until he eventually burns out! Go get him, Anglo Luchador!!
FIVE STAR TITLE MATCH: CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON (C) VS. NATE COLTON
Winner: Cecilworth Farthington
I’m going to be honest. If Cecilworth Farthington was only Russian he’d truly be nigh unstoppable (save for going against Ivan Stanislav, of course!). But, that being said, Nate Colton?
What a piece of shit this boy is. Why even his father cannot defend him! What amount of gutter-trash must one be that even their father cannot defend them?
Hasn’t Ivan Stanislav always called this piece of offal out for being less-than-genuine?
Hasn’t Ivan Stanislav always declared that he was an enemy to all?
Hasn’t Ivan Stanislav born the brunt of Nate Colton’s insufferable immaturity for months, only for others to finally understand what he’s had to deal with?
We take no pleasure in others finally realizing how correct Ivan has been this entire time. We’re used to it. But the fact is that Nate Colton needs to get his head on straight before he can even consider trying for a belt. I’m still assuming the epic whooping Ivan gave his entire family at PWA-02, and then the nice, personal pounding at Tropical Turmoil accounts to some of this erratic behavior, but I’m no doctor.
Farthington: Turn this turd into glue.
INTENSE TITLE MATCH: FLAMBERGE (C) VS. CHANDLER TSONDA
You know, I almost want to say “Poor Chandler Tsonda” but I can’t. I won’t. I refuse! The fact is that Ivan Stanislav is older than Tsonda and STILL looks better than he does. There. I said it! He has that stalwart ruggedness that simply makes the women swoon. The strong jaw, powerful cheekbones, and pronounced features. As a matter of fact, Ivan Stanislav as voted as having “the best hair” in all of Russia. Yep! What does Tsonda have to say about that?
We’re still sore that he jumped in line at the Murder Rumble. He stole the hard work from Ivan Stanislav right out from under him. And then what did he do? He squandered it. That’s all he does.
Chandler Tsonda is a squanderer! And he’ll squander this opportunity too!
And so, another ReVival is upon us. As I said before, the clock is ticking, ever downward, towards the defeat of Brandon Youngblood and the proper ascension of Ivan Stanislav. There’s no stopping it. There’s no slowing it. This was destined from the very moment my dear friend stepped into a PRIME ring last year.
So think about how, finally, Brandon Youngblood will be silenced once and for all!! Think about the soon to be newest member of The Red Army!! But dear friends, as always, Think Red!