Cracking News

For immediate release:

 

Has the unthinkable happened? Are the once famed, lauded, somewhat accomplished, and globally recognized eGG Bandits cooked? It’s not official, but following the events of ReVival 34, the early word coming out of Camp Bandit is there’s no eggs left in the carton.

Doozer is old, and afraid to be seen inside a wrestling ring.

Bobby Dean isn’t as beautiful as he once was, and is a shell of his former self since swearing off Diet Coke and reconnecting with daughter Belle.

Cardboard Dan made the eggregious mistake of going green and wound up folded inside a recycling bin.

Abe has chosen the way of the wise.

Chris Chickentenders is on the lam. He saw Jiles riding atop Pegasus a few shows back and figured he would start low and work his way up the ladder.

Zeb is no longer fishing, but has picked up hunting. It is said he’s been bagging a lot of big bucks and doesn’t miss the rigors of the ring. Rather, he doesn’t miss having to deal with Cancer Jiles.

RICK turned out to be a Flamberge fan.

GREAT SCOTT flipped out. Literally. Right out.

Lunchbox Laser, as old and put together as he is, remains afraid to be seen inside a wrestling ring.

The! Yolkulelee?

The Queen remains uncommitted.

And as we all know, following the breaking of an extended olive branch, and the defueling of the instant rocket back to super stardom, Coral Avalon, The Man Without a Face, said no to becoming an eGG Bandit and is now left with an ultimatum.

All that is left is The Eggsecutioner, Cancer Jiles.

WILL he alone be able to keep the lights on?

Time will tell.

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Other notes:

-After the conclusion of ReVival 34, Matt Mills, friend of Coral Avalon, reported that Coral Avalon’s rental car was covered in yolk and shell. Even the inside of the car was egged. As was the inside of the trunk. It is unknown if hazing/revenge happened before or after Coral turned down the eGG Bandits gift of membership. Luckily for him, since the Bandits are so well known, most rental agencies now have egg protection baked into their insurance agreements.

-Bobby Dean recently appeared in the MAIN EVENT of a howse show, becoming the first and only eGG Bandit so far this year to do so. Anywhere.

-In a recent New Crumber expose, Cancer Jiles was asked who he thought was going to win between Ivan Stanislav and UNIVERSAL Champion, Brandon Youngblood. His very uninterested response, “Certainly not Mom’s pocketbook.”

-Kenny Freeman is said to have found solace in a universe where Brian Hollywood is so centered.

-Cancer Jiles will be debuting a new T-Shirt at ReVival 35. On the front of the candied cardinal colored shirt it will simply read in pearl colored lettering, “Sorry Phil.” And on the back of the shirt, also in pearl colored lettering, but much BIGGER and BOLDED, will read, “NOT!”

-Half the roster is thrilled about UltraViolence taking place in Chicago. The other half isn’t in HOW.

-Hayes Hanlon was set to throw out the first pitch for the Little League World Series Championship Game, but his plane was delayed and unfortunately he missed out. Hayes participated in the tournament as a young child, back in 2021, representing the state of Oregon. The team of twelve year old’s was eliminated in the first round.