REVIVAL 34 NEWS AND NOTES

• • The Anglo Luchador’s brother, Mikey, was rushed to Paoli Hospital after the savage assault from Paxton Ray during his attempted home invasion. He sustained a concussion, a broken nose, a broken orbital bone, and a cracked jaw. The Luchador left the arena in Cleveland immediately and rushed to the hospital, where he has remained since his arrival.

 

• • Coral Avalon-themed eGG Bandit merchandise has already started appearing in the PRIMEporium, much to the quiet exasperation of the Crownless King himself. Of particular note is the “eGGhead” shirt, depicting a photoshopped version of Avalon’s trademark forehead grown to hideous lengths.

Avalon did not comment on the shirt or about Cancer Jiles’ offer to him near the end of ReVival 34 when approached by reporters, but he’s now expected to be cleared for action by UltraViolence.

 

• • While it was largely a successful night for the Glueminati as Cecilworth Farthington and FLAMBERGE retained their championships, it was not an *entirely* successful night for every member. Indeed, bellows of “CURSE YOU, KENNY FREEMAN!” were occasionally heard throughout much of Cleveland in the wake of ReVival 34. It was also heard, perhaps a little more quietly, at the Cleveland Hopkins International Airport, and on a flight back to Phoenix.

Coincidentally, it’s reported that Joe Fontaine’s voice went hoarse when he returned home the following day, as though all of the yelling had worn it out.

 

• • Following his outburst on ReVival 34, Daytona Diamonds sent the following statement:

“Dear PRIMEorillas,

First and foremost, I’d like to apologize for the way you saw me representin’ myself on the show last week. That ain’t me and I ain’t proud of what y’all saw. I reckon I have a tendency to let my fists do the talkin’ when what I really oughta be doin’ is listenin’. That’s what the world needs more of, ain’t it? Listenin’ ears and open hearts, just a little bit of peace, love, and understandin’. I’d also like to extend my deepest apologies to that sonuvabitch director and his peckerwood of a cameraman. The way I treated them weren’t right, even if they were no good for nothin’ scumsuckers tryna bleed my good will dry. Sometimes, you just got to be the bigger man and that weren’t the way I handled the situation. I’m workin’ on myself. We all make mistake, but I won’t let it happen again as long as nobody else decides to piss me off.

With love, respect, and kindness,
The Rhinestone Cowboy
Daytona Diamonds”

 

• • Following his outburst on ReVival 34 and subsequent statement to News and Notes, Daytona Diamonds was fined for assaulting the cameraman and director. Lindsay Troy had this to say in response, “Hopefully this doesn’t piss off Mister Diamonds. If it does, he’s welcome to come find me in Detroit where I’m sure we’ll have a nice, rational discussion about his behavior.”

 

• • The Anglo Luchador has submitted a change in entrance music. After Carlos Santana’s bizarre anti-trans rant on stage a week ago, the first Intense Champ of the ReVival wanted to distance himself from the performer of his entrance theme. Although the change came too late to be implemented for his match with Hayes Hanlon, he wanted to get the request in as soon as possible. The Luchador has worked closely with LGBTQ+ charities such as The Trevor Project since returning to wrestling, and trans rights are a cause he feels strongly about.

 

• • An absolutely nuclear Ivan Stanislav was found making his best Chernobyl impression backstage after Universal Champion Brandon Youngblood interrupted the revelation of a new member of The Red Army.

With blood pouring down his face (and Alexei Ruslan screaming behind him), Stanislav let loose a salvo of Russian roaring not heard of since the first firing of a Katyusha Rocket Launcher. Stanislav said the following, and quote (with later translation below):

“ЭТОТ СУКИН СЫН БРЭНДОН ЯНГБЛАД ПОСМЕЕТ ПРЕРЫВАТЬ ГОРДОЕ ЗАЯВЛЕНИЕ МОЕЙ КРАСНОЙ АРМИИ?!

Я ТРЕБУЮ, ЧТОБ ЛИНДСЕЙ ТРОЙ ПРИНЯЛА СООТВЕТСТВУЮЩИЕ ДЕЙСТВИЯ В ИСПРАВНОСТИ ЭТОГО ПРЕРЫВАНИЯ! Санкционируйте его. ШТРАФ ЕГО. БЕРИТЕ ИЗ НЕГО ПРИМЕР! ЭТО НЕ ПОВЕДЕНИЕ, ДОСТУПНОЕ ВСЕМИРНОМУ ЧЕМПИОНУ!

Я ОТОРВУ ЭТОЙ СВИНЬЕ ГОЛОВУ С ШЕИ! БИТВА ЗА ПРАЙМ НАЧИНАЕТСЯ!!!”

(“THAT SON OF A BITCH BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD DARE INTERRUPT A PROUD ANNOUNCEMENT BY MY RED ARMY?!

I DEMAND THAT LINDSAY TROY TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION FOR THIS INTERRUPTION! SANCTION HIM. FINE HIM. MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF HIM! THIS IS NO CONDUCT BEFITTING A UNIVERSAL CHAMPION!

I’LL RIP THAT PIG-DOG’S HEAD CLEAN OFF HIS NECK! THE BATTLE FOR PRIME IS AT HAND!!!”)

We wanted to ask Stanislav if the blow to the head had knocked the English out of him but he had something else to say. We assume it was in Russian as well, and we’ll share a translation:

“РАААААААААРРРРГГГГХ!!!!!!”

(“RAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!”)

Stanislav then tore a steel door completely off its hinges and threw it down a hallway, nearly decapitating a member of the custodial staff, before the door embedded itself in another steel door.

It’s been a golden age in terms of no collateral damage backstage at the hands of Ivan Stanislav. But we believe it’s safe to say that time has come to an end.

 

• • With regards to what happened at the Glue Man Group and Masters of the Moscowverse peace summit, it’s been reported that Tillier apparently sought out a temporary referee’s license the moment that he learned that Joe Fontaine had won the Bang! All Day Championship during the Celestial Dragon Tag League earlier this month… all for the expressed purpose of doing what he did.

It’s believed that Tillier did not receive his temporary referee’s license from PRIME’s officiating crew or from Lindsay Troy, who was said to be incredibly confused about the whole thing and could be seen sending owls in the direction of the Memphis metropolitan area after the show. What *is* known is that Tillier’s license will likely be forgotten about immediately after ReVival 34 and no one will ever speak of it again (except for maybe Joe Fontaine).

The Bang! All Day Championship was previously thought “lost” in Belgium for the past year before it resurfaced in Mexico City in June, carried by an Aardvark (Aardvark Mask Jr., to be exact). The championship, while sanctioned by Bang! Pro Wrestling, has changed hands numerous times across the world in seemingly random events. Among its previous champions, the title was famously once held by the island of Honshu itself in 2016 when previous champion Duke Ioan Slamstantin from Bucharest fell into a sinkhole in the city Chiba and his yelling for help caused the referee to award a submission victory to the island.

Yes, the whole landmass. No, that is not a joke.

 

• • Nate Colton’s stock continues to fall, after his loss at ReV34 as well as a new wave of rumors about his personal life.

ACE Network’s marketing department has announced that they will no longer feature Colton in their campaigns. “We had such high hopes heading into the year,” said Alexa Van Horn, ACE’s Vice Director of Marketing and Public Relations, “but Nate Colton has proven himself to be unreliable, and his actions out of the ring bring his character into question as well. As such, we no longer believe him to be a suitable option for the face of PRIME.”

Van Horn went on to say that local commercials starring Colton will soon be phased out, and that he will be replaced on Las Vegas-area billboards. “The one in Indiana…we won’t be renewing it, but we’re stuck with it until the end of the year.

Colton will also be replaced in the third wave of Wrestle Buddies, currently in the design stage. Somewhat ironic, since his limited edition toy was a last-minute replacement for another wrestler not in favor with PRIME’s marketing department. Wave 2–featuring FLAMBERGE, Anna Daniels, Justine Calvin, Cancer Jiles, Lindsay Troy, and Nova–was released in the late spring, and has proven to be wildly popular.

 

• • “MY FAMILY?! YOU DIRTY PIECES OF FUCKING SHIT…YOU COME FOR MY FUCKING FAMILY?! WHERE IS HE?! WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!”

These were the words exchanged as we attempted to interview Brandon Youngblood shortly after the chaotic brawl that took place on ReVival 34. In the process, the Universal Champion was forcefully shoving medical personnel attempting to stitch multiple gashes spanning his face and head. The scene was extremely tense, with broken tables and furniture strewn about the space, covered with strokes of blood.

After a significant amount of time had passed, we were able to speak with a slightly more sedated Youngblood. “No boundaries. No fucking boundaries! My brother. My brother! Those Russian fuckers…my brother was haunted by the same abuse I faced growing up…and they’re calling him a coward. My sister has battled with mental health and finding her place in the world. My kid? People saying my fucking kid is on steroids?!”

After mentioning his son, Cody Covington, it took several more moments for The Tower Of Babel to settle into a place where he was coherent beyond curses. “They didn’t ask for this. I don’t use them as window dressing as a fucking government puppet. That’s the difference. That’s the goddamn difference. Everything with Ivan is Russian superiority this and that. He uses all that as a shield. It’s more than lies…him and his little bitch dog want to dominate all those who don’t boot lick and fall in line with their ideology. They hurt. They maim. They destroy everything they touch. They have an entire nation state and propaganda arm working behind them painting the world as fake news. AND THEY BRUSH EVERY BIT OF IT LIKE IT DOESN’T MATTER! Losing matches. What he did to Calvin and Sykes. Throwing his weight and muscle around and trying to end careers to prove a point…”

The tenor of Youngblood’s cadence grew dark as he continued. “I paid the price to change who and what I was…but you listen here and you listen close. Tell Ivan and that piece of shit riding his shoulders…you tell Kill and you damn sure tell Lindsay…Lindsay Troy not my fucking sister Lindsay…from here on in with Stanislav? There are no gloves. There are not apologies for your fallen. There aren’t no second thoughts…no conscience…no remorse. He’s faced heroes…Sykes…Hanlon…Avalon…people see them and they see heroes. They look at me now and want to believe I’m a hero. But I’m not. Not here. Not now. How many of them has he mulched? How many of them has he run down? The things I’ve done to people I respect…that I love…what do you think I’m going to do to someone I hate? Hate with everything I am? I don’t just beat people, Stanislav…I make them disappear. And if he thinks there’s any way out of Chicago without paying for the sixty-one years worth of blood and pain from his hands…I got only one thing to say…run.”

 

• • After months of searching, the Belmont Foundation is set to announce their new chairperson. The announcement will occur sometime after the conclusion of the Milo Flynn Cup in early September.

According to buzz, the selection was heavily influenced by an “anonymous donor,” who promised a very large check to the organization if the board went with their suggestion.

 

• • Tony Gamble was seen having a heated discussion with a woman backstage after the show went off the air. The identity of the woman is not known, but Gamble did not appear to be very happy.

 

• • The UltraViolence card continues to shape up, as a blockbuster tag team match has been added as it was announced that Jared Sykes and Hayes Hanlon will team up to take on the current Five Star champion Cecilworth Farthington and reigning Intense champion FLAMBERGE.

The PRIME news team caught up with Sykes not long after ReVival 34 went off the air to see if we could get some more information on what prompted him to challenge the Glueminati to this contest.

“Well, I’d been trying on my new cape,” a visibly frustrated Sykes told us. “And I just had to show the damn thing off. So when they flashed the Jared Symbol over the arena I knew that I just had to come a-runnin’ and save the fucking day, because apparently that’s what I do. Didn’t everybody see the giant teardrop in the sky?”

No reports of such a symbol were reported during the events of ReVival 34, and a representative from the Cleveland Police Department confirmed that no such device exists. Sykes’ partner, Justine Calvin, refused to comment on whether her partner owns a cape.

 

• • In celebration of setting the record for the longest unbeaten streak in the history of PRIME, Hank presented FLAMBERGE with a dozen chocolate cupcakes and a volleyball.

When it was pointed out that there have only been 11 necks collected and not 12, the twelfth cupcake was identified as “for later”. When asked about the volleyball, it was identified as “for playing in the pool with Hank”.

No word yet on FLAMBERGE’s bumping/setting/spiking abilities.

 

• • To follow up on a recent report from Cracking News, Cancer Jiles and his new T-shirt have invited Coral Avalon to join the broadcast team for his match against Kenny Freeman at ReVival 35.

Jiles had this to say in regard to the invite, “I want him to see first hand what I can do before telling me he accepts my challenge at UltraViolence. I want there to be no excuses.”

When pressed as to what the match stipulation would be should Coral accept Jiles’ challenge to join the Bandits, Jiles remarked, “You’ll need to watch the next show to find that out. I’ll tell you this though, it’s going to lay down the lumber.”

 

• • With a surprising win over Joe Fontaine, Kenny Freeman is your new Bang! All Day Champion…and he was last seen trying to get out of an absolute danger zone in the parking lot, as countless fans attempted to go after the young man in an attempt to upend him for the title. Many tried, all failed.

All hail the champion of banging all day, Kenny Freeman.