RUMOR MILLS: SEPTEMBER 6TH EDITION

• • Nate Colton reportedly barged into the PRIME home office last Thursday morning, demanding to speak to one of the interns for some reason.

Security escorted him from the premises within ten minutes.

 

• • Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips were seen almost immediately leaving Minnesota after their surprising first round loss in the Flynn Cup to the Crownless Kingdom.

Fontaine was seen kicking a garbage can *very* far after getting the shit kicked out of him by the veteran Kingdom squad, unable to use his arms properly after getting trapped in the Vortigern’s Pillory of Coral Avalon. He refused to clean up afterwards and left the building before the end of the event, and has been dead silent on social media ever since.

Phillips is said to be looking into his legal options to have the practice of the Angry Bear Dance banned in all future professional wrestling events he participates in.

 

• • Claire Merci, the Bang! Openweight champion and leader of the Crownless Kingdom, was said to be very disappointed in the middling performance of the team’s representation in this year’s Flynn Cup. She was seen admonishing Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. in particular after their narrow loss to No Laughing Matter in the quarterfinals, whose only response was a series of crying emojis, but in real life.

So, just… normal crying, I guess?

Despite the best efforts of both the Glue Man Group and No Laughing Matter to put him back on the injured list, Coral Avalon is said to be fine after the Flynn Cup and is expected to appear at ReVival 35 to answer Cancer Jiles’ challenge for UltraViolence.

 

• • In light of the events surrounding the Milo Flynn Cup, PRIME would like to reiterate its policy of not reprinting anything from the Scandal Sheet.

That’s why we won’t talk about Angel Quinley being pronounced dead on the operating table, or the dark ritual performed by Henry Keyes’ plague doctors to revive her. We’ll also not discuss Benjamin Colton being placed on suicide watch after Bex Savage’s disappearance, or Jennifer Colton’s weekend binge-and-purge session at Buffalo Wild Wings.

This policy extends to pictures, so you’ll have to look elsewhere for the snaps of a Clark County Library employee believed to have romantic ties to a PRIME superstar.

(Ed. Note: Gawrence.)

 

• • We’re pretty sure The Anglo Luchador went to Wisconsin to train with Brandon Youngblood ahead of their ReV 35 blood feud tag match against Ivan Stanislav and Paxton Ray. If you wanted more corroborating evidence, there was a report of a man with graying black hair and a loud voice audibly arguing with a cheesemonger about the quality of his parmigiano reggiano. People know that you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, and you don’t get into an argument with a cheesemonger in Wisconsin, no matter how Italian and stubborn you are. While our staff here at Rumor Mills is not part of the group of folks in PRIME who have seen TAL without his mask on, we’re certain that if anyone was going to get into a fight over cheese in America’s Dairyland, well, it’d be him.

 

• • Recently investing Patreon revenue into a feather down pillow factory and business, SuperSoft LLC, Max Kael? was shocked to discover all websites domains using the word super and soft were purchased by a resident in Texas.

“I guess someone really has a super soft fixation down there, I can’t tell though cause all the links lead to the same broken shit. So now I have all these super soft pillows and no way to distribute them. Would be a shame if the factory burned down for insurance reasons.” – Max Kael?, CEO of SuperSoft LLC.

 

• • Rumor has it that Eddie Cross didn’t stop at stealing the Soviet Flag from his dad, Timo Bolamba. What is it that he might have taken?

 

• • Allegedly, Russian based software firm, “Полностью легальная компания” has been in talks with Cisco Systems regarding some sort of joint enterprise. Naturally, any Russian organization is viewed with the utmost scrutiny. It should also be noted that Cisco Systems Inc. is the parent company of Cisco Jabber.

 

• • Ivan Stanislav and Alexei Ruslan traveled to Gray’s Academy recently, no doubt to prepare for their upcoming match against Brandon Youngblood and The Anglo Luchador at ReVival 35. However, reports have come in that the two Russians did not return back home after their visit, but instead traveled to the Pacific Northwest. Did The Russian Bear and his comrade have an in-person meeting with their newest member of The Red Army, Lindsay Youngblood?

 

• • Is SHOOT Project’s Felix Mullen coming to PRIME? The answer is an emphatic “NO.”

 

• • After a successful 2022 relaunch of the beloved reality competition series, executives at Netflix have renewed “The Mole” for another season. Rumors abound that members of the PRIME roster auditioned for the latest season of the show, though Netflix remains tight-lipped about their cast selections.

Casting sheets have apparently leaked online, and notably, for at least one cast member, Netflix appears to be recruiting “someone with Major PMAB Energy who desperately seeks approval from men with Tiny Dick Energy,” which – yeah, it makes sense to look for certain types of wrestlers, doesn’t it?

 

• • Adam Ellis was rumored to have been backstage tonight at MVW’s house show in Cedar Falls, Iowa that featured a ten-bell salute to Jimmy Buffett by the ‘Sunshine God’ himself, Rah. Why? Ellis may have been on-hand to talk to MVW owners Ray McAvay and Joe Bergman about making an appearance at MVW’s upcoming pay-per-view show “Heartland.” Reportedly, Adam’s wife Ginny Van Lear was heard to comment: “Who is Jimmy Booo-fay?”

 

• • There are no rumors to report on recent acquisition Kerry Kuroyama at this time.

Just straight facts.