Glorious Comrades! Today marks the sixteenth issue of Think Red! Sixteen consecutive issues of hard-hitting analysis and serious discussion regarding our wonderful world of professional wrestling!
Sixteen consecutive issues of honesty and positivity!
Sixteen consecutive issues of hope and optimism!
Sixteen consecutive issues of hitting those right where it counts!
Why waste any time? I have plenty to talk about! Not just, of course, ReVival 35 but we have a very special guest for the Wrestler Spotlight: Paxton Ray. But first, let me talk about the futility of censorship.
The Futility of Censorship
It has been a flailing attempt by every detractor of The Red Army: A blatant attempt to censor the truth. Be it through would-be workers not giving us pyrotechnics and the appropriate music upon our entrance, or the “interviewers” refusing to interview us, or the rampant unwarranted fines that have been leveled our way, or the squelching of our voices on Jabber, PRIME, despite hiring members of The Red Army to boost their flagging product, has never ceased to try to stop our voices from being heard.
But that’s the trick, isn’t it? You cannot silence us. Week in and week out, Ivan Stanislav stomps over your “talent,” and the crunching of their bones and the destruction of their hopes and dreams rings loudest of all. Yes, you can try to stick your heads in the sand. Indeed, you can try to justify, rationalize, and concoct whatever you wish in a vain attempt to allow yourselves sleep at night: but the loudest, most omnipresent force in PRIME cannot be ignored: Praporshchik Ivan Stanislav and The Red Army.
So do what you wish. Whatever allows you to sigh peacefully in your cozy little corners. Because the Universal Title will soon be in our hands. And there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Not Lindsay Troy. Not Brandon Youngblood. Not the fans. No one.
Sleep tight, PRIME. You do not know it, but your nightmare of sub-par pretender Universal Champions is almost over.
ReVival 35 Predictions
I understand that most will just jump to the Main Event, since it features the hero of Russia, Praporshchik Stanislav, but I encourage you to look at the rest of the matches as well. There are, perhaps, a few diamonds in the rough!
DAYTONA DIAMONDS VS. LOGAN JAMES
Winner: Logan James because Daytona Diamonds might be stuck in mud in Nevada.
I heard that a little bit of rain mired a bunch of American rednecks in mud recently. Are they out yet? Does anyone care? I don’t. Daytona Diamonds is from Nevada. This mud was from Nevada. Daytona Diamonds is also a cowboy, and his last name reeks of capitalism.
Any more reasons necessary for rooting for Logan James?
MAX KAEL? VS. CRASH JACKSON
Winner: Max Kael because I really don’t care and he was first name in match lineup.
SCOTT HUNTER VS. ARTHUR PLEASANT
Winner: Arthur Pleasant.
Oh this is no-brainer. Arthur Pleasant has had the courage and fortitude to stand up to some of the most rampant pieces of garbage in PRIME. The Anglo Luchador and Mortimer… whatever his name is… they both come immediately to mind.
Is he as heroic as Ivan Stanislav? No. But who is, really? And is that a proper metric upon which to judge a person? Hardly.
But he’ll get the job done against Scott Hunter. This, I can assure you.
CANCER JILES VS. KENNY FREEMAN
Winner: Comrade Kenny, of course!
I know that Coral Avalon has conclusively joined the eGG Bandits (I never said Avalon had good decision making skills, look at his erstwhile friendship with Fontaine and… the other guy). But even that boost isn’t going to be able to save him from the unadulterated wrath of Kenny Freeman. This man is an animal, and proud member of The Red Army.
Early congratulations, comrade.
Do not let us down.
ROCKY DE LEON VS. RIA LOCKHART
Winner: Rocky De Leon
I was on Jabber recently and I couldn’t believe that Ria actually criticized some of Praporshchik Stanislav’s beliefs. Of course, Ivan is more diplomatic than myself and he smoothed it over. But not me!
You lose, Ria!
BOBBY DEAN VS. SAGE PONTIFF
Winner: Sage Pontiff because Bobby Dean is an insurance risk to everyone who touches him.
So we’ll have the smell of weed and nachos in the ring at this time? Ugh, hardly the appropriate match to lead into what is a much more important match, the Main Event.
Oh now I did it, you’re all excited to hear my analysis of The Main Event. Well, let’s just pass this match then. But know that Bobby Dean is a fat loser. Haha!
THE MAIN EVENT
HERO OF PRIME AND SOON TO BE UNIVERSAL CHAMPION, IVAN STANISLAV WITH PAXTON RAY, VANQUISHER OF ALL THINGS LUCHA
brandon youngblood and tal
Winner: Praporshchik Ivan Stanislav and Paxton Ray
As if there was any doubt, right? Ivan Stanislav and Paxton Ray are going to dismantle these two “heroes” of PRIME before your very eyes. Maybe the detractors of Stanislav and Ray will finally learn that they’ve been cheering on a bunch of losers this entire time?
Most Americans are dreadfully slow to learn though, so I don’t hold out much hope.
Oh, I cannot wait for this. I can’t wait to see it in person. To just watch Brandon Youngblood whine and beg off Ivan while Paxton Ray beats the everloving crap out of The Anglo Luchador. Now come on, there aren’t many things in life that will unite us, but no one can deny how wonderful it is going to be to see the Luchador get his shit kicked in.
I know I am!
Congratulations, Ivan and Paxton, we are all proud of you!
I have to say, I had such a riveting time interviewing Paxton Ray. It seemed only natural to have him be part of this week’s article. Paxton brings such an interesting perspective to many hot-button issues in our industry, and while I know he is a little reserved at times, I am so proud that I was able to really dig into these issues and get The Bayou Butcher talking candidly.
I should also state that, because this is print, it is difficult to adequately convey the sheer enthusiasm that Paxton had for this interview. To which I am very thankful.
Alexei Ruslan: Paxton Ray, how nice it is to have the opportunity to talk with you. I must say that, besides members of The Red Army, you must be one of the most intriguing people on PRIME’s roster. How are you today?
Paxton Ray: Fine, I guess.
Alexei Ruslan: That is just great! Now, I know the feeling of being constantly hounded by The Anglo Luchador. He has an unhealthy need to appear more significant than he ever will be. How excited are you to have the opportunity to beat the stuffing out of him on sequential shows?
Paxton Ray: Pretty good.
Alexei Ruslan: Of course, I have to ask, how overjoyed were you when you discovered you were tagging with Praporshchik Ivan Stanislav? It must be one of your career-defining moments, yes?
Paxton Ray: It’s cool.
Alexei Ruslan: I want to say, Paxton, I do appreciate your brevity, but if you ever do feel the need to expand upon anything, just go for it. Okay?
Alexei Ruslan: Still, there’s no softball questions in Think Red Paxton, here’s a very important question: How excited does the concept of “workers controlling the means of production” get you?
Paxton Ray: Uh…what?
Alexei Ruslan: Moving along… if you were to ever join The Red Army, I have been thinking of a few names for you. Can we try some on for size?
Paxton Ray: I like Bayou Butcher.
Alexei Ruslan: Oh that is a nice one, but how about the LaFayette Leninist?
Paxton Ray: Hate it.
Alexei Ruslan: It may take time to grow on you. Let us try the Moscow Murdergator?
Paxton Ray: Hate it.
Alexei Ruslan: Right. Russkie Redneck?
Paxton Ray: Hate it.
Alexei Ruslan: President Putin’s Psychotic Pummeler?
Paxton Ray: Really hate it.
Alexei Ruslan: Well I suppose that’s why you’re a wrestler and not in marketing, right? Haha!
Alexei Ruslan: Uh… UltraViolence 2023 will mark the anniversary of two major flashpoints in PRIME’s history: Most notably, Ivan Stanislav’s return to the ring, but also the event in which Jonathan Rhine had a terrible accident and his career ended, thus dissolving your tag team. I have to ask you: Since that catastrophic accident, looking back on the past year, what are your thoughts? How do you view your career post-Jonathan Rhine neck snappage? Any regrets?
Paxton Ray: No regrets. Can’t afford to have any.
Alexei Ruslan: Since you seem to be very well versed in the concept of people breaking their necks and/or backs, it seems to be rather common nowadays. Why, just the other day at the Milo Flynn Memorial Cup Tag Team Tournament, someone fell off the top rope and fractured their skull. Thankfully, there wasn’t any brain to break, which was fortunate. Tell me, do you think the sport of wrestling is getting too dangerous? Or are some people just not tough enough to hang with true competitors? Or do you think some people are just morons?
Paxton Ray: I think all people are morons.
Alexei Ruslan: Oh. Hah! Present company excluded of course! And Russians. And members of The Red Army. Uh, anyway, you have the opportunity to speak directly to The Anglo Luchador. What do you have to say to him?
Paxton Ray: I can’t wait to beat the stuffing out of you.
Alexei Ruslan: Oh! That gave me chills! Just to confirm, you were pretending that I was The Luchador, right? Ahem, any words for Brandon Youngblood, since you and Praporshchik Stanislav will be seeing them shortly?
Paxton Ray: I don’t like you.
Alexei Ruslan: Tell me, how screwed is Brandon Youngblood at UltraViolence? And what are your thoughts about the soon-to-be Universal Champion, Ivan Stanislav. How excited are you?
Paxton Ray: Ivan’s all right. Better than Brandon.
Alexei Ruslan: We certainly appreciate that rousing endorsement! Any final thoughts?
Paxton Ray: No.
Wasn’t that great, comrades?! How fortunate I was to have been given that time with Mr. Ray. Thank you, Paxton. And if you ever want to do a second interview, I am always available!
Well, comrades, we are officially over the hump. Ivan Stanislav arrived to ReVival back at ReVival 16, can you believe it? We’re now at 35! Many folks see pre-ReVival 16 as a dark age of PRIME. When the product was poor and everything was boring.
But now, we are forging forth into a grand age of PRIME, spearheaded by Ivan Stanislav.
Think about how Ivan will make the most amazing Universal Champion, my friends! Think about how Paxton Ray and Ivan Stanislav will annihilate the “pretender heroes” tomorrow!
But always, dear friends, always Think Red!