REVIVAL 35 NEWS AND NOTES

• • Boy, was Coral Avalon’s face yellow after ReVival 35!

No, seriously. It was very yellow. He looked like a Simpsons character even as he told reporters that he was looking forward to facing Cancer Jiles at UltraViolence.

Scientists have been called to figure out the exact chemical composition of Jiles’ yolk, but none of them have returned any of our calls, and we’re pretty sad about it, gotta be honest. I think it’s because they’re still mad about the whole “math is dead” bit that we’ve got going on around here. Talking to reporters after ReVival 35, lead Bandit scientist Cardboard Dan Ryan had this to say, “…”

…

You know, that’s what we deserve for believing that because they put a lab coat on a cardboard cutout, it means that they’ve clearly gotten a degree from some science school.

 

• • Scott Hunter filed another formal protest over his loss to Arthur Pleasant on the UltraViolence go-home show. He claimed that Arthur Pleasant had very foul body odor which, like a venomous reptile, paralyzed Scott and rendered him unable to fight back effectively. He also stated that Arthur breaking out of the figure four does not count because a speck of dust got in Scott’s eye and he had to release the hold or else go blind. Scott also misspelled PRIME’s next show as “Ultaveelence.”

His protest was once again swiftly denied.

 

• • Senior Officiant Timo Bolamba was asked if he will be reffing the Stretcher/Submission match between his best friend and his son and he said, cooly, “This is Eddie’s and Dave’s fight. I am appointing Elvis Nixon to this match. I trust him to call this one right down the middle.”

 

• • Here’s a change of pace:

Ivan Stanislav and Alexei Ruslan were positively jubilant following their victory at ReVival 35 against Brandon Youngblood and The Anglo Luchador. Stanislav walked arm in arm with Alexei Ruslan as they left the arena, with Ivan singing Russian war songs in his native tongue.

Earlier that night at the contract signing, the wily Ruslan had taken a vicious open hand slap across the ear by Youngblood and then a half nelson suplex for his troubles. In the main event, Alexei was present but quite subdued. Many thought he looked dazed, and was frequently sticking his finger in his right ear.

When asked if his ear was okay, Ruslan replied: “WHAT?!”

When asked again, Ruslan gave a different response, though no more helpful: “HUH?!”

The Praporshchik promptly pulled his proletarian partner behind him and bellowed for us to get away and stop ruining their jovial mood, to which we were more than happy to oblige.

 

• • News from Jurassic HQ – Rocky de Leon putting out feelers to host his own live-streamed interviews at UltraViolence. It’s not clear yet who else may be involved in this project, but on the heels of his… discussion… with Kennade Starr, it seems an interesting choice. Sources say he might even speak some English. When asked for comment, manager Stu Weiler responded, “Is this seriously something you care about?” Gym manager Donnie Walker only grunted following our request for comment.

 

• • Nate Colton was seen leaving Little Caesar’s Arena before the conclusion of ReV 35. According to reports, once the medical team removed the glass from his face and cleaned up the resulting wounds, he refused further medical attention and headed straight for the airport, presumably returning to Las Vegas.

 

• • After his match at ReVival 35, Daytona Diamonds was seen leaving the arena as quickly as he could, but not before he stopped a cameraman to record the following statement:

“You got that thing recordin’? It’s on? Alright then, listen here! Two and a god dang goose egg! I ain’t the type to gloat n’ brag, but that feller with the two first names didn’t stand a snowball’s chance! Heck naw! Y’know what this is, don’tcha? This here’s a man starin’ in the face of adversity and laughin’ his way to the god dang bank! That win was for my girl Bambi, my brother Frankie, wherever he may be, and all my adorin’ PRIMEorillas! Let this be a lesson to the powers that might be colludin’ against me: you can fine my hard earned dollar, you can put me in the ring with every sonuvabitch you got lined up, you can do whatever damn well please, but you better start understandin’ there ain’t nothin’ worse for ya than a cowboy with his finger on the trigger. Come UltraViolence, I’m gonna march my diamond-studded ass down to that ring and I’m gonna put another win on my record! It don’t matter if it’s Bobby Dean or if it’s Brandon Youngblood! I’m a buckin’ bronco and, baby, I’m runnin’ wild!”

Moments later, when Mr. Diamonds was informed that he wasn’t actually booked for a match at UltraViolence 2023, he reportedly looked crestfallen, muttered something under his breath about losing out on a big pay day, and challenged the cameraman to a strap match. When the cameraman refused, Mr. Diamonds called him several less-than-appropriate names, made an uncomfortable amount of chicken noises, and finally sucker punched him in the jaw before leaving the arena in a fury.

 

• • It appears the Russians are gearing up for UltraViolence in their own way.

The Sunday after ReVival 35, a throng of Russians flooded Red Square to listen to a speech given by Ivan Stanislav. Praporshchik Stanislav, flanked by flags of The Russian Federation and a large screen showing highlights of various PRIME matches, swore the “absolute destruction of capitalist Brandon Youngblood, a man who drove his brother to suicide and his sister to exile.”

Stanislav went on to blast Youngblood as a “pretender” champion who has “no allegiance to anyone but himself.” Clips of Youngblood attacking Alexei Ruslan played on repeat, while Stanislav lamented the “brutalization of non-wrestlers in PRIME” and that “Youngblood utilizes fear to cow those who are of weak constitution.”

Needless to say, Stanislav told his ravenous people that he was unafraid, and poised to vanquish the “monster Youngblood” once and for all.

Various games and festivities were present after the speech, to include Brandon Youngblood dartboards, chances to burn Brandon Youngblood merchandise, and of course autograph and picture opportunities with Stanislav. The event was scheduled to end at 3 PM Moscow time, but due to the number of people, Stanislav remained afterwards for several hours until every Russian was satisfied.

Then and only then did the police and paddy wagons in the wings finally leave as well.

 

• • When told about Daytona Diamonds’ disappointment at not being booked at UltraViolence and his sucker-punching a cameraman, Lindsay Troy replied, “If Mister Diamonds would like an UltraViolence payday, he’s more than welcome to find me in my office at Soldier Field the night of the 22nd or 23rd to discuss his habit of punching my crew members.”

She then fined him again and called him a toddler under her breath.

 

• • It’s UltraViolence 2008 all over again.

On the 15-year anniversary of a Tony Gamble vs. Chandler Tsonda showdown at UltraViolence that changed the landscape of PRIME, the two men find themselves back in familiar territory. A decade and a half prior, Gamble and Tsonda fought for the #1 Contendership to the Universal Title. Now, with the Gamble Championship, bka the Alias Title, on the line, it feels like deja vu all over again.

PRIME’s front office confirmed that, despite nearly non-stop needling of one another, both Chandler Tsonda and Tony Gamble, technically speaking, adhered to the no physical contact directive that Lindsay Troy issued at ReV 34. The PRIME front office representative, speaking on condition of anonymity, wanted to convey that by the purest letter of the law, Tsonda and Gamble followed Troy’s rules, but were both gigantic pains in the ass at every step. As such, their duel will be a hot open to the supershow, and kick off what promises to be a great weekend of wrestling at Soldier Field.

The last time PRIME was in Chicago, where the company was formerly headquartered, was for the final show of the ReVolution Era: Colossus VIII in 2012…also held at Soldier Field.

 

• • In a prepared statement issued last Wednesday, the Belmont Foundation announced that they have chosen a new president–one whose name will be familiar to the PRIME Faithful. The person who will lead the next era for the Foundation, as well as the Belmont Classic, will be Shweta Kallemullah.

“Shweta displayed excellent leadership and problem-solving capabilities while heading up the Fighting For Nora Foundation last year, and we think she is the perfect person to lead our event into a new, brighter future.”

“I am honored for the opportunity,” Kallemullah said in her own statement. “Highlighting the future of the wrestling business is a noble purpose, and one that I am very excited to lead going forward with the Belmont Foundation.”

Last year’s Belmont Classic drew excellent ratings and ticket sales, but it was also rife with controversy, mostly surrounding the inclusion of PRIME superstar Paxton Ray. Ray ended the careers of two promising young stars, Justin Wheelwright and “Song & Dance” Sammy Broadway, and seemed ready and willing to do the same to Jennifer Colton during her victory celebration. This was only deterred by the timely intervention of…almost everyone, in probably the most impressive display of locker room solidarity ever seen. These events cast a shadow over the Classic, leading to Carter Laughlin’s ouster as Belmont Foundation president a few months later.

 

• • The aroma of pancakes wafted heavily through the Little Caesars Arena last Friday.

Members of Vae Victis, including PRIME newcomer Kerry Kuroyama and certified bestie to the CEO Henry Keyes, were reportedly in attendance for ReVival 35, watching as always from the group’s private suite.

Because you have to be high if you think they’d debase themselves to be among the other rabble in catering.

When members of the media team asked for entry to follow up on Kuroyama’s televised interview with Simon Tillier, they were kindly informed they “couldn’t sit with them” before having the door slammed in their face.

 

• • Coming off a tough loss against Cancer Jiles at ReVival 35, Kenny Freeman looked to be in a bad way as he left the Little Caesars Arena. When asked about his thoughts on the match he had and losing the Bang! All Day Championship to Randall Schwartz during his entrance, Kenny had only this to say:

“As soon as I get what’s rightfully mine, I will deal with the Chief Egg Officer another time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go ice my little Freemans.”

Kenny is currently not scheduled to compete at either night UltraViolence, instead focused on a match he’s agreed to take down in Long Beach the weekend before. How he fares coming out of that match, and whether he’ll ADDRESS HIS ENEMIES at Soldier Field in Chicago, is another story entirely.

A story that will likely end in “of course he will, don’t be a silly goose.”

 

• • Lastly, Fuck Clarence.

That is all.