RUMOR MILLS: SEPTEMBER 20TH EDITION

• • It was reported that after his match at ReVival 35, Logan James asked to speak with PRIME management. Some people backstage were saying they wouldn’t be surprised if he asked to be released.

From what we’ve been told, it was the complete opposite; James wanted to ensure he still had more opportunities in PRIME after coming up short twice in a row. Only time will tell.

 

• • All four members of the Crownless Kingdom of Japan have been seen in and around the Chicago area this week leading into Coral Avalon’s showdown with Cancer Jiles at UltraViolence.

The popular faction is booked for several Chicago-area independent shows running before the two night event, but their very presence in the city have created rumors that they could be involved in the “eGG Bandit Lumberjack Match.”

Of course, seeing that no member of the Crownless Kingdom is an eGG Bandit (yet), it’s unlikely that they’ll be allowed to have any direct involvement in the match.

 

• • Internal rumblings suggest the PRIME Intense Champion, FLAMBERGE, is booked on a flight to Strasbourg, France out of Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport on the Monday following ULTRAVIOLENCE 2023. No word at this time how long he plans to be in France, the reason for his trip, or what this means for the Intense title or the upcoming Almasy Invitational.

 

• • Rumor has it, Morty is taking a break from wrestling to go to dental school. “It all started with one tooth,” said an anonymous source. “Then he was hooked.”

 

• • We haven’t been able to confirm, but fans in the Chicago area have apparently spotted Cecilworth Farthington being guided around certain areas of the city with a blindfold and ear protectors on. A shoddy recording of the situation was uploaded to a famous video sharing site where you can hear a faint Scottish voice yelling, “he’s trying to avoid the internal screaming you dipshits.” We have no idea what any of this means or if it’s true. You can do wild things with AI these days, did you know that?

 

• • Nate Colton has reached new levels of depravity, according to recent eyewitness accounts. Sometime last week, he and his unnamed librarian booty call left Las Vegas, met with his ex-girlfriend in Phoenix, and drove off into the desert for a peyote- and cocaine-fueled sex marathon, followed by an animal sacrifice to pagan gods and lunch at Applebee’s.

The full report can be found at the Scandal Sheet; we won’t put the link here because of standing PRIME policy.

(Ed. note: GARTHOLOMEW.)

 

• • Sid Phillips was sighted near the Cloud Gate in Chicago teaching children all about the mechanics of the powerbomb. Such demonstrations were performed upon fellow professional wrestler Terry Blackquill, a graduate from the Devil’s Ditch in Phoenix who has made a reputation for himself as “the world’s most powerbombable man.”

 

• • There’s been lots of speculation here at PRIME HQ as to who could have turned Lindsay Troy’s mood so sour at ReVival 35. If you recall, the Queen received what appears to be a contract packet at the top of the show, delivered by her Bestie and Vae Victis cohort Henry Keyes.

Names that have been bandied about the water cooler include Silas Artoria, Shawn Jessica Hart, Zack Fantana and American Tommy, Malak Garland, and Chadwick Kyle.

Whoever it is, and when they’ll make their presence known, remains to be seen.

 

• • We’ve been making our weekly list of when each PRIME superstar will arrive in Chicago, but there’s a strange situation: The Russians are not slated to fly into Chicago. Deeper, hard-hitting investigative journalism has revealed that no airport in Chicago seems to be willing to take Ivan Stanislav and Alexei Ruslan.

We phoned Alexei Ruslan, who was quick to respond:

“Hullabaloo and conjecture. We’ll be in Chicago. I would announce more information on Jabber but SOMEONE is being a child!”

Ruslan promptly hung up. If the two cannot find a flight into Chicago, the Russians might have to do some driving. We at PRIME cannot imagine Ivan Stanislav would allow a travel issue to prevent him from showing up at UltraViolence.

 

• • Rumor has it PRIME’s very own Darin Zion tied the knot over the weekend and allegedly received a free three month subscription to his favorite Patreon as one of his gifts.

It’s being reported that the lovely ceremony took place aboard Darin’s best man’s mega yacht, and happened in front of a crowd of about 97 people. The reception, which was also aboard the mega yacht, was catered by Kentucky Fried Chicken.

 

• • Rumors are swirling around the PRIME office that one of the members of a high profile match has been discussing a buyout of his “on-retainer” status with high-ranking PRIME and ACE Network officials. Sources say that the wrestler, whose identity remains… Anonymous, hasn’t decided his course of action, but frustrations with his own career and the direction of the company have left him nonplussed. Sources say that this wrestler is NOT looking to jump to another promotion and instead would retire back to his family life. But several PRIME officials are making a hard sell on him staying at least through the Almasy Invitational and Colossus. ACE Network officials are said to be more than happy to accept his resignation/buyout given events that occurred earlier this year with a breach of contract and a record fine. We will have more on this story as we can reveal.

 

• • Has Paxton Ray lost his manager? According to our sources, absolutely! Paxton Ray was seen leaving Gray’s Academy last Friday and has not been seen there since, and when we asked where he was, Dith Timble told us he wasn’t allowed to say. Meanwhile, PRIME offices received an email from Foster Nackedy the same evening that Paxton left the gym, which is strange because there has been no email correspondence between Foster and Lindsay Troy for months.

Paxton Ray is set to take on The Anglo Luchador at UltraViolence, and not having his manager with him could be a big disadvantage.

 

• • This one’s been near impossible to source on the record, but finally, at long last, two anonymous sources were willing to speak to Rumor Mills and confirm, unequivocally, that Chandler Tsonda and Tony Gamble don’t care for each other.

Each man plans to punch the other repeatedly in the face, very early in the evening, on Night One of the supershow in Chicago. Seems implausible, I know, but we’ll find out about the the veracity of this spicy rumor in a few short days.

 

• • Rumor has it, despite his love for the crunchy chorizo containers, Rocky de Leon is swearing off tacos for the foreseeable future. Our sources do not know why. Stay tuned for more updates on this critical story.

 

• • Apparently, Tony Gamble was seen eating a sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddle while sitting in a Starbucks drinking Kool Aid. We’re not sure what any of this means, or if it is even true, but we’re pretty sure Chandler Tsonda had something to do with it.

 

• • hey what’s up butt munches chris chickentenders here with a special rumor report but unfortunately not crackin news cuz i haven’t talked to mister jiles in like a month but it’s cool cuz i figure he’s just busy being a superbadass and flexing on carl avalon and his giant billboard sized forehead which is totally understandable but yeah anyway hoping i get back to bein the egg bandits official spokesperson again soon i just got to get my mom’s permission to go to more shows first but lately she’s been all like “you’re eighteen and you need to start thinking about getting a job and finding your own place” and dude getting a job can eat my butt

anyway since this is like rumor mills and all that i wanted to clear the air on some lameass shit talk i’ve been hearing about me getting sucker punched by a couple of magicians down in mexico in what was to be “the second coming of chickentenders” and even if that did happen it was only cuz it was a total cheap shot and if i saw it coming i would’ve laid those lame magic doofuses out like a total badass which is what they deserve for interrupting my list of top boning positions while down in mexico oh and also i wasn’t like knocked out or anything i was just super tired from boning so many chicks in mexico that i needed those dudes to carry me to the back but the important thing i got out of this experience is that i learned i am actually a badass sorcerer and i can make money come out of my ears so once i figure out how to do that regularly i’ll be like a millionaire and here my mom wants me to get a job lololol

anyway as some of you know i watch a lot of defince with my lame cousin craig who still thinks that zelda game is better than balder’s gate 3 which is way better on account of showing butts so yeah what a loser he’s not even like 13 and he can eat my butt but since we watch defance together i got all the cool inside scoops on dudes from there like did you know artur pheasant is like on a win streak there which is totally understandable given how badass he is cuz he hits people with chairs but can also like wrestle and he has a black belt in tae kwon do or something and idk why everybody makes fun of him for his teeth which look kinda cool and he should really get a shot at the universe title in the almost tournament cuz he would totally win it

anyway i also got like some inside intel on that new guy kenny kumonyomama who was all in difaince but isn’t anymore cuz i guess he got tired off all the baldies that think they’re tom hardy over there or something but anyway through my special private investigations i found out that a major reason why he doesn’t hang out backstage is cuz he apparently hates all the cameras that are just kinda there filming people talk back and forth which i guess yeah now that i think about when i watch prime shows there is like A LOT of people talking backstage like sometimes talking wayyy longer than some of the matches which is weird but im okay with it since most wrestling is boring unless there’s blood or chicks with nice buts butt anyway i guess for reasons like that he has like an “interview only” policy for appearing on camera and idk dude kinda sounds like a dick to me but don’t tell lindsay troy i said that cuz they eat pancakes together or something and i don’t want her beating me up cuz this butt was made for eating not kicking

oh and also just to let everyone know i still get regular intergalactic transmissions from rezin from the alien ufo he’s on prolly getting his butt probed but he wants to keep me in the loop on his recovery and says his knee is doing better and he can’t wait to get back to 420 percent and come back to prime to “keep that shit punk rock” which is cool cuz hopefully he’ll buy me more weed or take me to mexico again so i can bone more chicks but man he kinda pops in at random on my phone or computer and it would be totally awkward if he called while i was trying to crank one out or something

anyway that’s all i have to report on for now but if anyone in prime sees this please tell cancer to give me a call so i can get back to doing cool shit with the bandits and until then i guess keep takin it easy or like you can just eat my butt