Think Red 18
UltraViolence 2023 Night 2
Hello dear comrades! Back by popular demand, I bring to you Think Red 18- UltraViolence Night 2 edition!
I know, how spoiled we all are to have two Think Red’s in one week, right? But I assure you, the pleasure is all mine. To be able to write to my millions of fellow communists, and speak the truth to the masses, is truly one of the most rewarding aspects of my job.
Let’s just get to the predictions!
UltraViolence Night 2 Predictions
ANNA DANIELS VS. MAX KAEL
Winner: Anna Daniels due to greater number of functioning brain cells. NOT because her name is first.
There have been rumors circulating that, statistically, those who have their names first in a lineup of matches are more likely to be picked by me. These fools, whoever they are, are clearly catastrophically inept. Why, if I ever met one of those people who actually thought that was my decision making process, I might just have to give them a stern slap!
My predictions are carefully weighed affairs, where I look into innumerable factors to come to such a pure and, most likely correct, decision.
Now, as for Max Kael, I have seen this, uh, guy? Thing? Puppet? I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I do know what’s not going on with him: synaptic activity. Anna Daniels has it together. I give it to Anna.
Caveat: There is the chance that wrestling someone who is brain dead might mean that they are unbeatable, because they don’t register pain. But then again, we all saw what Ivan did to Jared Sykes, didn’t we? So I guess we debunked that theory! Hah!
You suck Jared. I hope you lost last night.
STRETCHER/SUBMISSION MATCH: EDDIE CROSS VS. DAVE GIBSON
Winner: Dave Gibson, because Eddie Cross doesn’t listen to his elders.
My goodness, what a name from the past, eh? Dave Gibson! Mister Old School! You know, Ivan never had much of a scrap with Gibson in OSW, but I assume that’s because Ivan was (and still is) the biggest name in professional wrestling.
Either way, it would be nice for Eddie to win. Dave Gibson betrayed him, and we cannot abide by betrayal. But we also can’t abide by young bucks who don’t listen to their elders.
The first day Eddie Cross came to PRIME TV, Ivan told him, to his face, not to trust Dave Gibson. And Mr. “I Like LAN Parties” just shrugged it off.
Can pretzels shrug? Because that’s what Gibson is going to make in the ring.
EGG BANDIT LUMBERJACK MATCH:
CANCER JILES VS. CORAL AVALON
Winner: No Contest
I can hear you now. “Bold prediction, Mr. Ruslan. A no contest?”
“But yes!” I would say confidently.
“How are you so confident, Mr. Ruslan?” You would ask.
And I would say, “Because don’t you remember that Ivan Stanislav positively crushed both of these men in the past year and they have not even come close to recovering?!”
It’s as simple as that. Have you seen these two? When Avalon lost his title, he distinctly grabbed his thigh when Farthington stretched him. It was in the exact area where Ivan had kicked Avalon and demolished him. I think it was an abdominal-thigh-stretch.
And Cancer Jiles has never amounted to much of anything since returning from his injury hiatus after Ivan vs. Jiles. Simple!
See, I told you I think of everything.
JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL VS. NATE COLTON
Winner: Jonathan-Christopher Hall because Nate Colton’s testicles are finally dropping
My goodness, what a whirlwind of a life Nate Colton has been living, eh? Here you have JCH, a man’s man, with a beautiful, wonderful woman (I mean, have you heard her singing voice?), and then you have Nate Colton, hanging around with people of questionable integrity and trying, so hard, to just figure out what his lot in life is.
It’s pretty simple, Nate, your lot in life is a stepping stone for others.
You’re too busy finally hitting puberty and letting those balls of yours drop to put up much of an offense against Jonathan-Christopher Hall. I only wish we all didn’t have to experience all this sad-sap “personal growth” that you’re experiencing.
THE MAIN EVENT
UNIVERSAL TITLE MATCH
Winner: Ivan Stanislav by absolute physical domination OR forfeit.
I have on good authority that poor Brandon Youngblood is suffering from a case of “Ivan-Nearly-Ripped-My-Arm-Off” syndrome. Word is that Mr. Tower of Bullshit might not be able to make it to UltraViolence. I wouldn’t be surprised. If that is the case, then naturally Ivan Stanislav will become the next Universal Champion.
And if Baldy is stupid enough to actually show up, well Ivan can just rip his arm off completely and shove it down his throat.
You may notice that I did not put a (C) next to Youngblood’s name, denoting him a champion. And the truth is this was on purpose. He’s been absent, vacant, and aloof since becoming champion. Why, he’s even worse than Hayes Hanlon (and we all know how horrible that must be!). He’s even worse than Rezin! (I never thought I’d write that!).
So now’s the time where a real champion, to represent all people, and to take PRIME into the next portion of the year rises to the occasion and saves all of your from the monotony of Mr. “Blood for Blood God.”
What does that even mean, anyway?
You have no idea what you’re about to experience, Brandon Youngblood. In your entire storied career, you have never stood against a competitor like Ivan Stanislav, and all of your smart-assed comments and shameless attempts to prop yourself up will come crashing down like the house of cards you are.
We keep this short today, dear comrades, for I have a lot of preparation for upcoming UltraViolence. Think about how Ivan Stanislav will take Brandon Youngblood apart piece by piece! Think about how refreshing it will be to actually have someone likable at the top of PRIME! But always, always Think Red!