- Did Hayes Hanlon join the Glueminati because his mustache is fake and he needed adhesive to help it affixed to his face? We reached out to a reliable source that said “of course, 100 percent yes. Hayes is mad that people have found out about his dirty little secret now that he’s not winning matches anymore and basically smells like sewer di…” Oh goddammit Gary, I thought I told you, stop going to the Luchador’s kids for news. Jesus Christ.
- Despite rumors surrounding his mysterious disappearance after UltraViolence, Coral Avalon has not yet been sighted at any KFCs.
- Rumor has it that after learning about his negative Yelp review, Butcher Victorious proceeded to eviscerate Joe Fontaine on Foursquare.
- In the wake of Ivan Stanislav’s Universal Title win, Russia has been abuzz with celebrations and events. Thankfully, it’s been kept within the country, for the most part.
However, Alexei Ruslan did send one piece of cryptic information to PRIME early this morning:
“The people demand more from Ivan Stanislav and The Red Army, and you shall have it. Rest easy, PRIME, The Universal Champion, The Russian Bear Ivan Stanislav will most certainly make his presence known at ReVival 36!”
- Rumor has it that Daytona Diamonds’ brother, Franklin Desmonds, has been missing for almost a month. When Daytona was reached out to, he originally had no comment and hung up immediately, but called back later from a different number with the following: “Uh, so, that whole thing with Frankie? Yeah, it’s mostly bein’ handled by the family and we’re sure he’s fine and there’s nothing to worry about and everything’s just hunky diet, but lemme just say, if’n y’all happen to see any shamans, witch doctors, medicine men, snake whisperers, or even haint mistresses in the Greater Las Vegas area, we sure would appreciate it if you’d reach out and let us know.”
It’s worth noting that Franklin Desmonds acted as his brother’s agent. In lieu of Franklin’s presence, Daytona Diamonds hasn’t had a single match with PRIME and won’t until ReVival 37. Rumor has it that PRIME leadership has tried to reach out to Daytona personally to get a better handle on his career with the company, but every phone number he’s provided has either been disconnected, had a full voicemail box, or is answered only by the sound of Lynard Skynard’s perennial hit classic “Gimme Back My Bullets” playing at an unreasonably loud volume.
We wish Franklin Desmonds well, wherever he is.
- Scott Hunter listened to the Fleetwood Mac Rumours album this week after promising to start listening to some “newer” music. He then commented on the lack of a lyre in any of the songs.
- There’s a somewhat concerning video making the rounds that involves a distressed man with a large forehead. In the short video, an egg carton can be seen being pressed against the back of the man’s head as he tells everyone he is doing okay. No word yet on who the man is, but it appears from the video at least that he’s aboard a ship or some sort of vessel.
- Scott Hunter made a charcoal sketch of Kerry Kuroyama in order to curry favor with the Vae Victis member before their match on ReViVal. It was just a large dark gray blob which he called “symbolic”. Then he dropped it in a puddle of water on his way to deliver it and it was ruined, so he just went back home.
- There’s a new viral sensation across multiple social media platforms. Its popularity spans multiple demographics; people are doing it alone, in groups, at home, in public, everywhere from Los Angeles to Laos to Luxembourg!
Don’t miss out! Work on your moves and take part in the Big Dummy Dance Challenge!
- New Universal Champion Ivan Stanislav has received an outpouring of support from his Native Russia, but he also has some supporters here in the U.S. Word is that a “prestigious American organization” is considering him for their “highest honor.”
More on this as it develops.
- hey whats up buttmunches chris chickentenders here again and dude i am great to be back and i hope everyone was stoked to see me return at ultronviolets cuz i thought i did a pretty awesome job announcing all those lumberjacks even if i was kinda confused cuz they didnt have beards or flanel shirts and none of them looked like paul bunyum but still i was totally honored that mr jiles called me up in like my 11th minute or whatever and brought me in to do that for him cuz he said introducing people was “crumb work” or something like that but it was still super badass for me
anyway as some of you know my cousin craig hamburgers who is a real turd is friends with like a one eyed pirate guy and my mom said that his mom said that his dad said that the pirate guy i guess said that kary kumonyomama is like kinda pissed that he has to fight that scott hunter guy in the all my assy turnimint thing and idk i think its like cuz theyre all in vay victus or something so maybe he just doesnt want to beat up his bro or something
dude i wonder if scott hunter has a brother named mike that’d be sooooo hilarious and badass huehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehue
anyway i guess some dudes in definance are like super pissed and butthurt cuz that kary guy is talkin mad shit about them lately but like i mean hes not wrong definance has kinda sucked since crimsun stalker lost the fist and he was the most badass fist they ever had cuz hed hit people with kendo sticks that would light up like that one indana jones movie and he also had monster serum in his veins and that to me makes him the most badass wrestler ever but anyway definance sucks now cuz hes gone and there arent as many butts in prime
dana anniels? thats a butt
kenny starr? thats a butt
justin calvin? thats a butt
vicky hall? thats a pancake
i wont mention lindsy troys butt tho cuz shell probably kill me unless cancer protected me hes a real hero you know
anyway thats all the juicy gossip my detective skills were able to come up with this week but like im super excited to watch cancer win the all my ass turnament unless arthur stops him first idk theyre both badass so well see what happens but until next time stay fresh or eat my butt
- Nothing has been confirmed, but some interesting comments have been heard coming from the Tony Gamble camp not being as cohesive a unit as it has been portrayed. There have been murmurs about a falling out regarding the upcoming Belmont Classic, and Jake Nguyen has not been seen since Revival 35. Tony was also absent when the rest of the Gamble Adoration Syndicate traveled back to Las Vegas on Sunday.
Could the Syndicate have less Adoration for Gamble than is being presented on camera at PRIME events?
- Apparently Tony Gamble has been telling everyone within earshot that he has the easiest path to the finals than any other challenger in the Almasy, and cannot wait to see who comes out of the secondary bracket to challenge him. Regardless of who it is, Gamble is quite confident that it will not matter because the hardest part of any tournament is getting out of round one.
Most people aren’t listening, and the ones who are find it quite hilarious.
- Real estate rumors abound about a house going up for sale in Malvern, PA. This news wouldn’t concern PRIME except we’re fairly certain it’s the house of The Anglo Luchador and his family, which would make sense given how easily his opponents seem to be able to attack it. I reached out to confirm, but I got a rude text message back saying “Stop using my kids as sources, Greg.” My name isn’t Greg. It’s Gary. IT’S GARY.
- Rumor has it the Russian consulate recently inquired into what constitutes a proper “taco” with its South and Central American trade partners.
Purportedly, the Ambassador from Chile responded, “I had your mama’s taco last night.”
Difficulties in translation make it hard to know whether this statement is genuine or innuendo. Stay tuned to this rumor network and the obituaries for further development.
- The world has been buzzing with excitement to see what sort of fallout we get from UltraViolence as PRIME heads to St. Louis for ReVival 36…and the Mills just picked up a juicy rumor regarding the Masters of the Moscowverse. Let’s check our source!
1 red onion
2 teaspoons soy sauce
5 carrots, sliced
2 heads of cabbage
1/2 pound of potatoes, cubed
1 package of kielbasa, sliced thinly
Oh no, this is no rumor at all…it’s a recipe! Maybe it’s a metaphor meaning the Masters are cooking something up for ReVival 36!
(Editor’s Note: Never do this again, Gary.)
- Following a recent attack on Adam Ellis at a MVW show by HOW’s (aka…’that other place’) John Sektor, rumor has it that the attack was directly instigated by Lee Best himself.
The attack, aided and abetted by Ellis’s former potential paramour Victoria McGill, sent Ellis to the hospital where he was treated and released. Also injured in the attack was Adam’s wife Ginny Van Lear when McGill gave her a Gutwrench Facebuster to the floor. McGill herself also spent the night in the hospital after experiencing first hand ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson’s Southern Fried Powerbomb in the aftermath of Sektor’s attack.
Rumor also has it that Victoria McGill has been added to the list of women Ginny Van Lear wants to get into a steel cage along with Vickie Hall and Savannah Scandal.
- HELLO YES, THIS IS CRAIG HAMBURGERS REPORTING A RUMOR THAT IS NOT A RUMOR AT ALL, AND THAT RUMOR IS ONE OF MY FAVROITE WRESTLERS IS IN PRIME NOW AND CRAIG HAMBURGERS IS RUMORED TO BE VERY EXCITED TO HEAR THIS NEWS BECAUSE DAD JUST RESUBSCRIBED TO THE ACE NETWORK AND IF I KEEP GETTING A’S AND B’S I GET TO WATCH KERRY KUROYAMA FIGHT KICK FIGHT WOOOOOOOOO
- Rumor has it that PRIME may have a ‘Romero and Juliet’ situation brewing amongst its ranks.
Despite very likely being the reason for the loss in his debut, gossip in the back claims that Jason “Crash” Jackson is infatuated with Max Kael?’s ward, Violent Purple. Unconfirmed at this time, reports are that he has even been asking female members of the PRIME staff to “put in a good word” for the newcomer.
Given their history, this will likely make for an interesting rendezvous when Jackson and Ms. Purple cross paths again.
- The often gregarious members of the Crownless Kingdom have returned to Japan to prepare for the annual “Terminus Complex” tournament, beginning on October 13th and ending on November 10th. And there’s many curiosities surrounding the Kingdom’s future in the wake of UltraViolence.
When asked by reporters about the status of the Kingdom’s founder, Coral Avalon, Claire Merci curiously mentioned that she had no comment at this time. There’s been rumors and speculation that either the Kingdom was joining the eGG Bandits or that Avalon was no longer a part of the Kingdom, and this response will likely fuel both rumors going forward.
Even more curiously, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. has been named a last minute replacement for the TC-X, replacing Bang! Hardweight Champion Garry “Ray-Ray” Bolamba who declared for the Almasy Memorial Tournament instead. With Yum likely gone for an entire month, it’s likely that his tumultuous tenure as head trainer of Coral Avalon’s wrestling school is already at an end.
- Joe Fontaine was spotted as a pet store a week after UltraViolence. Not long afterwards, he went to a novelty store to purchase a very tiny hat.
This is very important information that everyone should know!
(Ed. note: No, it isn’t, Gary.)
- Reports are filtering back that a buck bomb was set off inside MVW wrestler Victoria McGill’s dressing room at MVW’s Saturday night show in Peoria. The perpetrator also jammed the dressing room door closed, trapping McGill and the other members of Jill Berg Enterprises inside. Security finally opened the door about 15 minutes later and the room had to be fumigated to remove the buck urine smell from inside. Security also found a note inside that read: “one down, two more to go.”