Just like that, dear comrades, Ivan Stanislav vanquished the negative, hurtful imperialist forces of PRIME and rose to the top. He did so by stamping them out, one by one, and propelling himself upon their battered and broken bodies.
That, my dear friends, is so beautiful to write!
Truly, what a time to be alive!
Well, first thing’s first!
Congratulations to Universal Champion Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav
Oh how I could go on and on about my feelings of incredible joy and honor at this moment! Comrade Stanislav has done it again, just as we all knew he would! But, I understand that Universal Champion Stanislav (my goodness, does that not have a nice ring to it?!) will be addressing the masses at ReVival 36, so I do not want to steal any potential thunder.
But suffice to say that not just I, but all of Russia, and the entire intelligent world, can say in one voice “congratulations” to the most deserving of Universal Champions!
Not just the greatest Universal Champion, but the most deserving. He has overcome all odds, righted so many who have wronged him, and have persevere where so many other pretenders have failed.
Long may you hold this title, my friend, for you have most certainly earned it.
Rumor that ReV 36’s Entire Card to be Canceled?!
Has there ever been a more cruel fate (other than being married to The Anglo Luchador, being Justine Sykes, or a sibling of Brandon Youngblood) than being in the Almasy Tournament? It truly is what one would call a “raw deal.” I mean, you go through this tournament and it will undoubtedly end with absolute destruction at the hands of Ivan Stanislav?
My understanding, dear friends, is that PRIME representatives are trying to lock the competitors IN the arena so that they will actually compete. Why, you ask? Because most competitors are plotting to flee the premises before their match begins! PRIME is running the risk of canceling the tournament because so many individuals are too fearful to even compete!!
I know Lindsay Troy would like nothing more than to fine us for THIS as well, but we cannot and will not be held accountable for any yellow-bellies in PRIME! After all, she hired them.
Contingencies are in place! In the likely event that all matches are canceled due to cowardice, The Red Army will remain for duration of program. More below in that regard.
And if any of you -are- stupid enough to actually compete? It’s your funeral.
(Hypothetical) ReVival 36 Predictions
The Sacrificial Lamb Tournament (or for those who are delusional: the Almasy Tournament)
Well let’s get to it. I’m still certain ReV 36 will be canceled. And if it is, Ivan will simply regale the crowd with stories of his tremendous wrestling career. Frankly, this is probably a better us eof everyone’s time.
But if someone actually would prefer to wrestle (I cannot imagine who), I guess I’ll give some predictions for posterity sake.
DAVID NOBLE VS. GARRY RAY-RAY BOLAMBA
Winner: Who gives a shit?
JASON “CRASH” JACKSON VS. DON WINTERS
Winner: See above!
JONATHAN CHRISTOPHER-HALL VS. RICH PATTERSON
Winner: JCH. Because Vickie Hall can bring the best out of the worst talent.
Okay, yes, we’ve had issues with these Love Convoy types, but Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav has given me directive to support them, so here I am.
After all, he is the Universal Champion!
Jonathan Christopher-Hall is a poor wrestler. He’s not particularly strong. His instincts are lackluster. Even his clothing choices leave much to be desired. But despite all of that, I trust Ivan’s sense that Christopher-Hall will win. Rich Patterson is an X factor, if you will, but Vickie Hall is a true visionary, for being non-Russian, that is. And despite how absolutely, mind-numbingly horrible JCH is in the ring, Vickie Hall will elevate JCH to heights that one cannot fathom. It really is a match made in heaven. If only every member of PRIME could live with such bliss.
Please, JCH and especially Vickie, don’t take any of the above criticism harshly, I say it all with, well, love. Also, Vickie, care to come to Russia? Ivan is willing to make custom ushanka for you!
ROCKY DE LEON VS. SAGE PONTIFF
Winner: Sage Pontiff. Because Rocky attacked Arthur Pleasant for no reason at UltraViolence.
This really shows how one-sided things are in the back office. Rocky brutally jumped and attacked Arthur Pleasant at UltraViolence, and not a peep has been brought up about it.
We already know that this character has serious mental issues (I mean, he thinks he’s a long dead flying reptile!), and then to let this menace roam around unattended? What did we think would happen?
I cannot side with such a sadist. The just, honest man in me won’t allow it. So we’ll go with a, well, stoned out drug addict who thinks he’s the second coming of some fake proletarian-controlling religious concept.
I didn’t say making these decisions was easy, comrades.
KERRY KUROYAMA VS. SCOTT HUNTER
Winner: Scott Hunter… I guess?
Look, this Kuroyama guy is close friends with Lindsay Troy and part of this Vae Victis group? Nepotism much? It is the essence of our proletarian struggle!
And what is this Pacific Blitzkrieg crap? That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard (other than Jared Sykes when he speaks).
This Kuroyama guy has “elitist” written all over him, as does that entire stupid group. But hey, more meat for the grinder. We don’t mind.
So yes, this Scott guy wins, I suppose.
LOGAN JAMES VS. JARED SYKES
Winner: Logan James. Jared Sykes could wrestle against pocket lint and I’d root for the lint.
Okay here’s the deal. Jared Sykes is a moron. I know, I’ve said it before, but he really is. How many times have we said that Hayes Hanlon couldn’t be trusted? That he was flighty? That he was unreliable? And then what happens?
Jared Sykes is horrible at most everything. Such as, but not limited to:
Etc. Etc. Etc.
But I will give him this! Jared Sykes is really good at one thing, he actually excels at it: getting his ass beaten on national television. Not only did Ivan do it, easily, but Hanlon and his friends did as well. So good on you, Sykes, you are nothing if not confident in leaning into your strengths.
So, we’ll go with him getting beat again on national television. I mean, the odds are in our favor, after all.
Congrats Logan uh, whatever your name is.
PAXTON RAY VS. TONY GAMBLE
Winner: Paxton Ray. It’s like asking if you shove a marshmallow in a woodchipper, if the chipper will break.
I have to admit that, from time to time, Tony Gamble is able to be a threat. Do not get things confused. Not against someone like Ivan Stanislav, mind you. Gamble barely comes up to Ivan’s waist! But others, let’s say, less experienced and capable opponents? Yes.
Paxton Ray isn’t one of them. I know. I watched him wrestle alongside Ivan Stanislav. Not only was Paxton a consummate professional and frankly a joy to wrestle with, but he stayed in his lane and worked effectively under Ivan’s experienced hand. Yes, I know, it’s easy to see how Ivan carried the match (he just can’t help it), but Paxton Ray was still an instrumental part in that victory. And for that, we appreciate him immensely.
After all, Ivan now has two victories over Brandon Youngblood, and one over the Luchador! Hah!
And you know, even though in my Think Red it seemed Paxton Ray wasn’t too “keen” on the idea, I really do think he was coming around to the “Bayou Bolsheviks.”
Anyway, ultimately what I mean to say is that Paxton Ray is very capable, and Gamble just isn’t able to stand up to a man of Ray’s ability.
This goes to Ray, easily. Congratulations Paxton!
NATE COLTON VS. CANCER JILES
Winner: Both are losers. Because whoever wins gets this Golden Ticket, which is a one way trip to destruction.
It really should be called the “Golden Grenade” because whoever holds it will simply destroy themselves when the time is right. If there was a situation where a match might not happen, it has to be this one. Absolute, certain destruction awaits the “winner.”
I really want to try to drive this home.
If you hold that ticket, absolute destruction will await you.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
ReVival is shaping up to be arguably the best ReVival in the history of PRIME. And there will be some special guests, to include Ivan Stanislav’s own staff, who were instrumental in helping us wrest the Universal Title from the clutches of the imperialists and put it in the hands of a true hero. So, even if the show is, for the most part, canceled, I encourage you all to watch.
And so, my friends: Think about the Red Era that has been mustered into PRIME. Think about how much love and goodwill shall permeate this wrestling organization, now that Ivan Stanislav is there to right all of these wrongs. Think about this grand future that is ahead of us.
But always, dear comrades, always Think Red!