- Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips were both fined $2,000 each for bringing unauthorized personnel into the Enterprise Center and lighting an unauthorized fire. “FLAMBERGE” (the chinchilla, not our sweet lizard boy) was fined $1 for impersonating a PRIME roster member, reduced by 999% because he was simply *precious* in his tiny beret. (It’s also a she, not that Joe Fontaine knew this at the time.)
Joe Fontaine is said to have learned his lesson vis-à-vis FLAMBERGE’s actual animal lineage and promises to get it right on ReVival 37 in Louisville.
The identity of the man in the gold mask that lit the fire for the “opening ceremonies” of the Gentleman’s Games has not been disclosed, as he evaded capture by the Enemigos and remains at large.
- Annabelle Avalon was spotted buying a mace in preparation for an inevitable confrontation with Cancer Jiles. No, not the pepper spray. An honest-to-god medieval battle mace. A bit overkill for cracking egg shells, I’ve heard.
- In “things that someone will surely get owl’d for,” El Temblor was asked about the raging debate on the nature of hotdogs and he, unsurprisingly, stated that hotdogs are treacherous.
And that he remembers their treachery.
- The United Nations received a formal request for acknowledgement by the ruling regime of the small, totally real country of the People’s Autocracy of North Kaelrea, allegedly. The Sixty Ninth Order or Order Sixty Nine (Nice), is the ruling military junta and refers to the country itself simply as Best Kaelrea, probably. Its capital, Maxopotamia, is located in the Kaelsavanian region which is known for its tall mountains and dark woodlands, I guess.
Why is this news for PRIME?
Because along with seeking formal recognition by the United Nations, it has made a public declaration that the sitting Supreme Commander of North Kaelrea and Chairman of Order Sixty Nine, is PRIME’s own Max Kael?, surprise. When asked about these geopolitical developments Chairman Kael had this to say, and is not made up.
“So we gotta change that name. Sixty Nine probably means good luck or something over there but I don’t think they’re aware it’s a meme state side. Yeah. AND I still have to fight that Glue Hayes guy. I should probably go, thanks.”
Meanwhile the United Nations has issued the following statement, definitely.
“What?” – Debra Poopedoope, Public Relations
- After the show went off the air, Cancer Jiles stuck around to thank the audience for being one of the worst he’s ever performed in front of; and for almost ruining his grand return to the MAIN EVENT. The COOLYMPIAN and hardest working man in PRIME went on to say that the next time PRIME is scheduled to appear in St. Louis he’ll be sure to retire from wrestling the day before just to screw over all the people who come to boo him. That’s when Lindsay Troy came out and joked that ReVival 37 was changing venues. Jiles started to throw a tantrum, but Nate Colton, who was still ringside following the Main Event, threw him over the top rope and everyone went home happy.
- MVW owner Ray McAvay took Adam Ellis and his wife Ginny Van Lear out to dinner and then to a club in downtown St. Louis called PBR-St. Louis to celebrate Ginny’s 21st birthday.
Sources report Ginny sipped on a glass of beer for over two hours and became quite tipsy. She tried to ride the mechanical bull in the center of the bar and… well… let’s just say it didn’t end very well.
Adam and a hungover Ginny then returned to Dallas the next morning to prepare for his upcoming Almasy Tournament match against Eddie Cross.
- After ReV 26, Ivan Stanislav proclaimed his opinions regardless of whether someone asked or not. This included:
-Race Car driving is boring
-Congratulations to Vickie Hall
-Pterodactyls are extinct
-Wrestlers grandfathered into PRIME due to connections will meet a switch end
-Blueberries are easily crushed (he knows from previous experience)
-Grins don’t last when pitted against The Russian Bear
-As a lad, Ivan ate four dozen eggs so he’s roughly the size of a barge
He also proclaimed that this had to have been, arguably, the most interesting and watched episode of PRIME programming in history and that his keen ears could hear the cheers of his people from the other side of the world.
- Ami Troy has asked us to point out to Ivan, Alexei, and the rest of the Russian Bear’s staff that the latest episode of PRIME programming was ReV 36, not ReV 26. She also asked us to not make any edits to their original submission, lest we be severely reprimanded by the Red Army for making changes without their permission.
- Speaking of Alexei Ruslan, Ami Troy has also asked us to point out that he is still banned from Jabber.
- Eagle-eyed observers in Charlotte, North Carolina spotted a familiar face running up his favorite hill this past Sunday morning.
A local reporter named Dottie Henderschmidt stopped Eddie Cross to ask him about returning home and he said simply, “Once you find it, there is no place like it.”
It would seem that Dave Gibson and Eddie mended fences and the young star has finally found a place to call home.
- El Temblor may be in hot water after authorities responded to a request for “badgers with furious rabies” ahead of UltraViolence.
In addition to an arachnid vendor, the wily Rudo apparently also has a musteloidae vendor. While the authorities were not so concerned with the attempt to acquire a badger, it was the rabies that may have consequences. Encephalitic “furious” rabies is considered extremely dangerous and the disease itself leads to 59,000 deaths a year around the world.
When asked about his attempted purchase, El Temblor stated that it was simply an “insurance policy” and “no rabid badgers accidentally got loose in Soldier Field” and definitely did not take up residence beneath the statue of George Halas.
That was the response of a vocal segment of the PRIME Faithful after the tease of the new branding of the Alias title on ReV 36. “The St. Louis Blueballs” is a phrase that has been tossed around. Backstage, confusion reigned as Chandler Tsonda had asked for both the time and logistics to do a big reveal of the “new” title, only to get sidelined after Paxton Ray’s appearance. The Model Citizen and the Bayou Butcher have traded barbs several times since Tsonda’s return, but it was Ray’s refusal to do so that apparently threw the Alias champion for a loop. Was it a gaffe or a calculated postponement?
Regardless, there is new scuttlebutt about an even BIGGER reveal at ReV 37 of what exactly the Alias title will represent while around Tsonda’s waist. The Model Citizen, of course, has to balance plans for this rollout with preparing to duel former Intense Champion, Anna Daniels. No word on how many Tsonda interns will be deployed in the announcement, but the best guess is “all of them.”
- The staff serving the Enterprise Center’s suites received a most pleasant surprise when MVW owner Ray McAvay reportedly left a sizeable “gratuity” for them Friday night after the show.
- It seems as though Don Winters spent the weekend celebrating his big Almasy win over Jason “Crash” Jackson. However, it was in a slightly more unusual way than most wrestlers would celebrate. He was spotted at a county fair in the St. Louis region by a number of PRIME fans, and he was preaching ‘His Word and Light’ to anybody who would stop and listen. PRIME’s newest superstar had rented space at the fairgrounds to spread the Word and we can confirm he attracted small crowds throughout his weekend stay. He appeared to be alone, and refused to answer any questions about wrestling, only saying it was done in His service.
- The following news is to set the record straight off the back of a hot, hot, HOT episode of ReVival. Rumors were starting to circulate after the appearance of the Masters of the Moscowverse at ReVival 36, and both men have asked to make two things very clear.
– Randall Schwartz is not afraid of heights.
– Kenny Freeman is not afraid of the rest of the competitors in the Almasy Invitational, least of all his first-round opponent for ReVival 37, Darin Zion.
Kenny has also asked us to relay the following message to the masses: “Suck it, Zion.”
(Editor’s Note: Gary, we talked about this.)
- Another indignity has been suffered by Nate Colton, PRIME superstar and viral dance sensation, as the billboard featuring his likeness was recently vandalized.
The billboard, located on I-70 near Terre Haute, was put up last year by the ACE Network during their initial push to make Colton a keystone of their marketing campaign. 2023 has seen Colton’s star fall significantly, with issues both in and out of the ring, and ACE has dropped him from most of their advertising efforts. Only the billboard remained, though that was scheduled for replacement at the end of the year.
Someone wanted to get an early start, it would seem. Yesterday morning, drivers saw Colton joined by a crude drawing in black spray paint of a man with long hair and a scraggly beard. Additionally, Colton’s name had been covered with another: Rezin.
The former Universal Champion is wanted for questioning. His current whereabouts are unknown.
- Following the events of ReVival 36, Daytona Diamonds had the following to say:
“That sonuvabitch broke my fuckin’ nose!”
The rest of the statement was largely incoherent screaming, a laundry list of conspiracy theories, and every obscenity known to man, but Daytona calmed down long enough to say the following:
“Listen here! They done went and opened up a god dang can of worms. They screwed the pooch, baby. He broke the damned windshield! That was a rental! You know how much they’re chargin’ me for that?! They put hard times on ol’ Daytona Diamonds and I ain’t havin’ it! At ReVival, I ain’t walkin’ in with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. Hell no! Kaz Troy, if you ain’t got a will, you best start writin’ one. And hey! Wade! I just want you to know, what happens next? It’s your fault, you Alabama bumblefuck. Thanks for listenin’, go fuck your mother.”
Afterwards, Daytona reportedly punched several vending machines, kicked over a trash can, and complained a bunch about how his broken nose was flaring his sinusitis.
- Following his first round victory in the Almasy Tournament, Kerry Kuroyama fielded questions from members of the press who were on the scene. When asked if the outcome of the match fell within his expectations, Kuroyama replied:
“I’m not at the point where I set any expectations on how things will turn out. What I can say is that I met the standards I set for myself. I came here tonight to make a statement, and I feel it came out in my performance.”
Before he could breach the topic on his upcoming second round opponent, Rocky de Leon, Kerry was suddenly approached in the middle of the presser by none other than Scott Hunter, his opponent from earlier in the evening.
It was said that Hunter bore a troubled look on his face and wanted to talk to Kerry about their earlier match. Kuroyama reportedly tensed up, expecting to hear about the rough treatment he gave his Vae Victis compatriot within the ropes.
Instead, however, Scott said the following:
“I was just really concerned that maybe I upset you by dropping you too hard on your back with those hip-tosses. No hard feelings, right?”
Kuroyama, who had been noticeably favoring his lower back while speaking with reporters, suddenly looked halfway guilty that this was Hunter’s reaction to the match.
“No hard feelings at all, Scott,” said Kerry. “But if you’re not busy, could you take a trip down to medical and fetch me an icepack?”
Noticing reporters were still observing the interaction, he quickly clarified:
“…it’s for my drink. I prefer the ice to be crushed.”
Hunter nodded and said, “Sure. Nothing for your ass at this time?”
Kuroyama glowered and shook his head before replying, “No, my ass is fine.”
“I’LL SAY!!” shouted a woman’s voice from the back of the room.
- After Tony Gamble’s victory over the Bayou Butcher Paxton Ray at ReVival 36, securing his spot in round two where he will now be facing one-half of the current PRIME tag team champions, backstage officials found The Permascar Superstar crying in the corner of a hallway. EMT’s were quickly called in, but when they were able to calm Gamble down and ask if he had any injuries he started to laugh. “Sorry to cause a scene, I was just trying to get in the mindset of my upcoming opponent. I figured if I could see things through his perspective I would get a better understanding of what makes him tick, but all it did was make me sad and understand why he cries so much in the first place.”
- After the pointed words from Daytona Diamonds regarding the ReVival 36 post-show aftermath, we reached out to PRIME’s Bad Dog, Wade Elliott, for a response to the King of the Rodeo’s earlier statements.
“Tell that sparkly sack’ve shit that my boot can go a lot further’n through his fuckin’ nose,” said Elliott via phone call. “What’s he call himself? ‘Th’only Daddy’ll that’ll walk th’Line’? We’ll see how that holds up when he squares off with Kaz ‘tween th’ropes, ’cause so far it’s been a lot’ve talkin’, and ain’t much walkin’.”
When we asked him about the Rhinestone Cowboy’s comments on what happens next being “Wade’s fault,” the ‘Bama Bruiser offered a grunt, and one last comment:
“Guess we’ll worry ’bout that after th’match. He’s got plenty’ve time to smarten up, an’ I don’t think he wants to see me walkin’ his way again any time soon.”
- Speaking of the ReVival 36 post-show aftermatch, Daytona Diamonds has been fined his ReVival 37 payout, his ReVival 38 payout, plus an extra $15,000 for damaging Enterprise Center property (vending machines and waste recepticals) for his attack on Kazuhiro Troy prior to the end of the show.
Wade Elliott has been fined $50 and has been ordered to provide Daytona Diamonds with BAND-AID® Adhesive Bandages featuring Woody from Disney/Pixar’s Toy Story franchise.
In a follow-up call to Kaz to check on his preparation for his match against the Rhinestone Cowboy, the Heir Apparent only had this to say: “Sorry about his shitty dead nose. Be a shame if something else got broken at 37.”