Cracking News

For immediate release:

 

We have news concerning ReVival 37.

Firstly, in regard to Bobby Dean’s upcoming rematch against Brandon Youngblood, arrangements have already been made for Bob to be taken to the closest area hospital following the conclusion of the match. You might be wondering, but what about cryostasis? The problem with that is it’s not that Bobby doesn’t fit inside the cryo chamber. It’s a tight squeeze, but he fits. However, due to his extensive amount of blubber his body simply can not get frozen. 

He’s forever incelated.

And NO, it’s definitely not because someone else is still trapped inside.

Secondly, Coral Avalon may not be there. 

At ReVival 37.

In a recent interview on the “Shells and Crumbs” podcast, when asked about Coral and why it is that no one has seen him since the conclusion of the Banditjack Match, Jiles had this to say, 

“Coral who? I don’t know why people keep on asking me about this guy. Did Bobby eat him or something? I mean, fuck. What’s he got, a family that’s looking for him?”

The former Universal Champion then went on to laugh with the hosts of the show. That is, until a caller called in interrupting the voracious slap happy banter. 

Her authoritative voice was instantly recognizable.

“My question is for the white-haired Pizmo. I was wondering if you will still be laughing when I strip you of the Golden Ticket and award it to Darin Zion? How about when I expel you from the tournament and give your spot to Julian Bathory? Wait. Answer me this. Will you laugh when you and Bobby show up at ReV 37 without Coral Avalon and I just fire the both of you right there on the spot? Well, I would wait for Brandon to get done doing Brandon types of things to Bobby, and then I would fire him. Still, is that something you would laugh at?”

She then hung up, seemingly uninterested in Jiles’ response.

Not that he had one.

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Other notes:

-PRIME newcomer Don Winters was recently spotted filling out an application at his local KFC. He allegedly wrote down that his reason for wanting to work there was because a higher power told him so. He also wrote that the higher power told him there was no sense in waiting until after ReVival 38 to apply.

-Reports are true about an upcoming News and Notes bombshell about Hayes Hanlon.

-Coral’s wife remains pregnant. There is speculation surrounding the pregnancy that Coral might not be the father, and this whole Where’s Coral thing is just a giant ruse to hide their separation.

-The first 1000 fans through the door at ReVival 37 will receive a commemorative gold KFC pin to remember the night when the eGG Bandits got fired.

-PRIME is so worried about the main event on the Night One side of the bracket not living up to the eggspectations set by the MAIN EVENT on the Night Two side of the bracket that ReVival 37 has been granted a ten minute overrun.