- After a big deal was made about Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. joining the field of 32 for the annual Terminus Complex in Bang! Pro Wrestling, the Lunch Lawyer was found stuffed in a locker shortly before his first match in the tournament and replaced by the man who put him there: Vae Victis member Clay Byrd.
Byrd proceeded to completely decimate his opponent that night, and is now in the thick of the annual tournament, where he is now a major favorite.
None of the other members of the Crownless Kingdom seem to particularly care about the plight of their fourth member, with Ignacio el Jaguar rumored to have said, “Wait, Gavin was here? He owes me a hundred bucks. He’d better not spend all of his money on his hospital bills before he pays up.”
When we have more news about this money that Lord Yum owes, you’ll all be the first to know!
- Rumors of Coral Avalon sightings have been reported across the country in the weeks leading up to ReVival 37, but there is only one forehead and THAT one’s on ice, if you will.
- A source embedded deep inside Coral Avalon’s forehead reports that Hayes Hanlon originally wanted to join the eGG Bandits but was turned away due to his proclivity towards cold sores.
- Rumor has it that Daytona Diamonds has a new agent.
Following the disappearance of his brother and former agent, Franklin Desmonds, it seems that The Rhinestone Cowboy has decided to bring in someone new to handle his business affairs. Larry Lawson, a former wrestling promoter in the Southwestern United States, has taken on the job.
A legend amongst those involved in the wrestling scene throughout the 1980s and early 1990s, Mr. Lawson is said to have been close with Daytona’s father, former professional wrestler “Diamondback” Jack Desmonds. Mr. Lawson has not been involved with the business since his promotion, Mojave Championship Wrestling, closed its doors in 1993. We reached out to Daytona Diamonds to comment on this story. He had the following to say:
“I ain’t fuckin’ talkin’ about none of that. Stop callin’ me. I’m busy.”
- Are we about to see the first ever people’s choice title in PRIME? If rumors are to believed, yes!
Ahead of a first-round Almasy Invitational matchup against Anna Daniels, Alias champion Chandler Tsonda will unveil the new face of the Alias Title. ACE Network execs have been assured that there will be no “to be continued” in this second attempt to brand the title. In fact, corporate leadership at ACE has been told that this new iteration of the Alias belt will have a “direct audience participation component.”
This has created a great deal of excitement at ACE HQ, in spite of notable recent failures of unfettered direct democracy, such as Zaza Pachula and Andrew Wiggins starting NBA All-Star Games, and the U.S. House of Representatives. Sources at Tsuperstar Enterprises did not offer comment.
- Last Thursday, Nate Colton made his first appearance at Troy Combat Systems since the summer, and he appeared to be testing out some new equipment: an automated floor scrubber.
He apparently spent the whole day as part of the TCS custodial staff, doing whatever grunt work the others threw at him. When approached for comment, Colton confirmed the rumor.
“I made some bad choices the last time I was in here…and honestly, the whole time I never came in with the right attitude. I wanted to let Mr. Creed and everyone else here know that I was sorry for disrespecting them the way I did, and I wanted the chance to do better.”
Of particular interest was Colton’s last task of the day, which involved mopping the same spot on the floor for ten minutes. From there he went to a spray bottle and rag, and finally a toothbrush, before Alex Creed gave a terse nod of approval.
- Rumor has it, despite dressing like a pterodactyl, Rocky cannot actually fly without mechanical assistance.
Word on the streets of Lafayette is that Paxton Ray is on the hunt for a new manager. While this in and of itself is not surprising, rumor has it that this is for a new venture outside of wrestling. Whispers have begun circulating that the Bayou Butcher’s apology on ReVival 36 was the first step in a new viral marketing campaign for his new pop ska/zydeco fusion band the Fighty Fighty Paxtones. While a release date for an album or EP is not yet known, we here at the PRIME news desk assume that one is in the works. That’s the impression that we get.
[Ed. note: Gartthew.]
- Russia One Newscaster and International Sports Correspondent Olga Karishnikov reported that Brandon Youngblood was slated to appear at ReVival 36 in some capacity, but that… well I guess we’ll just quote her reporting:
“Mr. Youngblood grew so anxious at the prospect of sharing any air time with Ivan Stanislav present at ringside that his colostomy bag burst, he began sobbing uncontrollably and he had to be sedated while screaming ‘MY ARM IS GONE! HE TORE OFF MY ARM!!!’”
Ms. Karishnikov went on to say the following:
“Glorious Universal Champion Ivan Stanislav had immediately appeared on PRIME programming after similar setbacks, such as his unfortunate no-contest showing at Culture Shock. Even if sinister forces were at work to create this outcome (unlike Youngblood, whose body completely broke down before millions of PRIME watchers), Stanislav had no qualms appearing afterwards to his legions of fans. It goes to show how weak and feeble Brandon Youngblood truly is.”
Karishnikov then went on to stipulate that Youngblood would not be showing up in his match against “fat waste of space Bobby Dean” because Youngblood “was still trying to learn how to feed himself.” She then praised Stanislav and his heroic efforts, to include ushering “The Red Era” into PRIME, for approximately fifteen uninterrupted minutes.
Yes, this came from a Russian news agency, but we’re gonna assume some of this is strictly rumor.
- It’s being rumored that one Bobby Dean has started a petition backstage and it appears to have quite a number of signatures. Sadly, every signature listed seems to have been written in the same hand. The dead giveaway is the misspelling of IVEN STANISBLEH, and LINDZAY TRAY. Many people are beginning to wonder if Cancer Jiles will ever learn how to spell?
What could the petition be about? Bobby Dean is asking that his abysmal record be wiped clean after he returns from every brief hiatus of his.
- It is recently rumored that Max Kael? has reached out for a patent on the terms “Meat? on a stick?” and “Meat? Brand Products.” Though the nature of these patents remains unknown, rumors of a new financial meat empire on the horizon have investors curious. Stay tuned for more!