Think Red 20
I write to you flying high above the Atlantic Ocean, as The Red Army makes its way to a state which consistently ranks just behind only Alabama and Louisiana in cases of reported inbreeding: Kentucky.
This flight would normally bring with it the expected degree of dread, and yet as I gaze about myself in this aircraft, I see nothing but causes for happiness.
But a glimpse of the view:
To one side of me, Starshy Praporshchik Ivan Stanislav, our holder of such lofty awards as The Order For Merit to the Fatherland First Class with Swords, The Order of Lenin, Hero of Soviet Union, Hero of Russian Federation, and yes, Universal Champion of PRIME, sits reading Lenin.
I look across the other way and Pedro “Speedy” Riggs, the world-renowned referee turned journalistic prodigy and respected comrade from Cuba and lifelong friend of all peoples, bobs his head to (I am sure) revolutionary music via his headphones.
Arina Timofeyevna and Yanukovich Yanovich sit several seats in front of me. These two young up-and-coming Russians pour over documents in preparation for ReVival 37. I applaud their devotion to the cause and to their country. Their unwavering loyalty is something I wish all young people could possess.
My phone erupts periodically as the Masters of Moscowverse, Kenny Freeman and Randall Schwartz, send me multiple messages which are, at all times, very important and never irrelevant or erroneous. I am certain, considering how intelligent they are and the fact that they read my articles forward and back, that if I were to ever explicitly tell them that their repeated messages were doing nothing more than distract and annoy me, that they would stop immediately. I’m certain they would. If they read this.
Kenny and Randall. I am certain of it.
Truly, what a wonderful time to be alive.
The Almasy Tournament
At ReVival 36, we had the first portion of the Almasy Tournament conclude. An interesting turn of events. I understand how boring and bland competition can be when Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav is not involved. But I do have some words for those who won.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall– Congratulations on the win. Please send the lovely Vickie much love from Russia, will you?
Garry Ray-Ray Bolamba– I have seen you in a military uniform. It would be best to try and find a new wardrobe. It pales in comparison to Russian military fashion.
Rocky De Leon– Your head trauma continues to addle your brain, but not your wrestling skill. Congratulations. Just know that Bears still exist, and your brand of flying reptile has long been extinct. No reason to prove this a fact, do we?
Kerry Kuroyama– We applaud your focus on wrestling in the ring. I admit, I am curious about your lack of respect for Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav. A purist like yourself should at least recognize his illustrious career and offer some semblance of respect? Or is it just fear talking?
Jared Sykes– I am so sorry that you have to wake up each morning and look at your face in the mirror. I feel even worse for Justine.
Tony Gamble– I am surprised you survived Paxton Ray. Congratulations. Remember HurricanRussia? Do you want to go through that again?
Don Winters– Religion is but a means to control the masses. It is powerless against true communists, who see through our lies. We have a way of dealing with your ilk.
Cancer Jiles– Wasn’t Ivan beating you to oblivion lesson enough? Ivan chewed and spat out your glasses last ReVival. He’ll chew you up and spit you out all the quicker. Continue with your little pet project, Coral Avalon, and your obese sidekick. Your time has come and gone. Ivan Stanislav is eternal.
ReVival 37 Predictions
KENNY FREEMAN VS. DARIN ZION
Winner: Comrade Kenny
We have not seen much from Mr. Zion. Does he still feel the love? I know Starshy Praporshchik and myself have felt nothing BUT love from Jonathan-Christopher Hall and Vickie. What gives?
Condolences, Darin, but Comrade Kenny is one of the top picks to win the Almasy. Step aside and make it easy on yourself. No reason to struggle.
EDDIE CROSS VS. ADAM ELLIS
Winner: Eddie Cross
I cannot in good conscience believe that Adam Ellis has a good head on his shoulders, being married to some holy roller whackado gun-toting psycho-woman named Ginny.
I just can’t.
Yes, Adam Ellis has -some- technical ability. He will never match the technical prowess of our Universal Champion (I mean, have you ever seen how expertly Ivan wrenches a bearhug or standing surfboard?).
Second, I can’t deny it. I mean yes, Ivan Stanislav positively annihilated Eddie Cross back at ReVival 32 (seriously, go watch it, it’s hilarious!) but still, Eddie Cross did manage to defeat Dave Gibson. Yes, Mr. Old School is going through a difficult time (we wish you speedy recovery, David!), and he may not have been 100%, but it was still no small feat.
Has Eddie Cross fully healed from his grievous injuries sustained back in July? Hard to say. But does he have the grit to tough this one out? Even I have to say yes.
DAYTONA DIAMONDS VS. KAZUHIRO TROY
Winner: Daytona Diamonds
I don’t like cowboys. But I don’t like snot nosed punks even more. If Kaz Troy would spend less time with his head up his own ass and more time paying attention to the situation around him, he might actually succeed. But as we saw at ReV 36, he just has a bad habit of being choked out to near unconsciousness.
Thank goodness Mommy came to save you.
It’ll take more than the bleeding hearts of whimpering mothers to find success in PRIME. Go back to BRAZEN with the other misfits, Kaz.
Even a Cowboy can beat you.
MAX KAEL? VS. HAYES HANLON
Winner: Max Kael
Yes, Max Kael? has let us let us all down by failing to live up to his obligations to Ivan Stanislav. But no one is perfect. Still, this is a simple choice.
Hayes Hanlon has been, and always will be, a capitalist opportunist. I cannot in good faith consider supporting him, not after betraying his close friends. I mean, it was Jared Sykes, of course, but it’s the principle. Just go with me on this!
Perhaps the only positive that has come from Hayes Hanlon showing the white, glue colored streak down his back is that now, finally, droves of blind PRIME followers are beginning to realize that indeed, Ivan Stanislav did win at UltraViolence 2022. That it was a sham. That Ivan was robbed. He did, indeed, pin Hayes Hanlon and the count was slow.
Trust me, Speedy Riggs clocked it. And I’m sorry Timo, but Speedy has decades of experience on you. Why, if you ever want to have a “ref-off” just ask him.
Nonetheless, our Universal Champion is indeed undefeated!
Sweet, sweet vindication.
That’s the thing about men (or boys) like Hayes Hanlon. They want instant gratification. They cut corners to win. They do everything in their power to step on the little guy. It’s abhorrent.
I almost want Hayes to win, just so there’s a higher chance that Ivan beats him once more. After all, let’s not forget that PRIME’s “best and brightest” tried that at Tropical Turmoil. How did that work out for you? And it isn’t even like Hayes Hanlon managed to pin Ivan Stanislav at Culture Shock.
It’s been a lie, all this time.
I just think Hayes Hanlon needs help. This kid is on a downward spiral. Eventually we’ll just find him in a gutter, probably next to his brother.
Oh dear, did I say that? Whoops.
Anyway, Max wins.
CORAL AVALON VS. ARTHUR PLEASANT
Winner: Arthur Pleasant
This, my friends, is so easy to call. Arthur Pleasant has been fighting the good fight for so long. It is a true testament to his steadfast, positive-minded attitude. I mean, he had to deal with The Anglo Luchador, and then he had to deal with Mortimer Whoeverhisnamewas (do you remember Ivan defeated him, I mean he REALLY defeated him, at Colossus 2022?), and now he’s got a man who thinks he’s a pterodactyl attacking him, and some over-compensating forehead-monger in the Almasy?!
I swear, sinister forces are at work, comrades.
Still, Coral Avalon is at least doing a bang up job being an absent father. Yes, the kid hasn’t fallen out yet, but he’s really excelling at leaving his would-be family hanging.
You are a failure, Coral Avalon. You failed when Ivan kicked your thigh into oblivion at ReVival 18. You failed at being a 5 Star Champion. And you fail at growing bangs long enough to save us all from the glaring spotlight you project on us all during a sunny day.
Shame on you.
Congrats Arthur! Well deserved. Not only will you beat Coral Avalon, but I know you would be a far better father.
BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD VS. BOBBY DEAN
Winner: Bobby Dean (yuck)
Does anyone really think that Brandon Youngblood is in any shape to wrestle Bobby Dean? Yes, I know that Bobby Dean struggles to wrestle his shorts out of his ass on a daily basis, but Youngblood, from what I understand, is still submerged in water 16 hours a day while they try to see if he can move his limbs.
That’s what happens when you fuck around and find out, Brandon.
I feel I can’t say that I just hope the match is a no contest, because someone has to win. And that’s Bobby Dean. Which means we all lose.
But take it from me, and the beautiful Russian One Journalist and International Sports Correspondent Olga Karishnikov: Brandon Youngblood is still subsisting on intravenous shots of porridge to keep himself alive.
Congrats Bobby, you fat slob.
CHANDLER TSONDA VS. ANNA DANIELS
Winner: Anna Daniels
A poll was taken in Russia recently asking “Who is the most handsome wrestler currently?”
I’ll tell you this. It sure wasn’t Chandler Tsonda. It was, of course, Ivan Stanislav!
Chandler actually bumped into Ivan at the last show, and I have to admit, he was downright garish looking. But it was cute, watching him walk around with his tiny Alias Title, and his little bag, and how he wanted to look like he actually meant something. He thought maybe he had the clout to walk alongside Ivan Stanislav!
You don’t, Chandler Tsonda.
Anna Daniels is going to eat you for breakfast. Proverbially. If this was Bobby Dean, maybe it’d be another story.
Ms. Daniels may be eccentric, but she’s capable. Seeing how you nearly pissed in your pants when you stood in Ivan Stanislav’s shadow, we know what measure of a man you are, Chandler Tsonda.
You know what you are, Chandler Tsonda?
The man who could barely beat Tony Gamble.
You lose, Tsonda.
THE ANGLO LUCHADOR VS. CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON
Winner: Cecilworth Farthington
The only way that PRIME can be rehabilitated is if the parasites are removed. Exhibit A: The Anglo Luchador. Like a cockroach, he just won’t stay down.
So what are you going to do about it, Farthington?
You’re not going to drop the ball, are you? Not after Hayes Hanlon has put all this faith in you.
Not after FLAMBERGE totally needs to see that you’re the man you think you are, right? And not some old husk of carrion, ripe for the looming vultures to pick apart, correct?
Don’t lose to The Anglo Luchador. There cannot be much more of a slap in the face than that.
And if you do, I’d watch out for all those young bulls you have corralled around you. I’m sure they’d love to give you a good hard kick when you least expect it.
The Red Era Continues
Yes, Ivan Stanislav will continue to be at ringside. Maybe he will even do some commentary some time. I know that would a vast improvement from Nick Stuart, at least. But there is more! Speedy Riggs returned triumphantly last ReVival. Ivan’s fantastic staff are present to help him represent PRIME.
And who knows… maybe The Red Army has another surprise in store for this upcoming ReVival. Hmmmm….
Well, my friends, I am saddened to say that this article must come to a close. We near the continental United States and that always brings my mood down.
But truly, what could be in store for The Red Army in these coming days? How does it feel to watch all these PRIME members waste their times with dreams of winning Universal Title? How good does it look to see the PRIME Universal Champion around the waist of Ivan Stanislav?
Think about The Red Era, Comrades! Think about how much better all of our lives are with Ivan Stanislav spearheaded PRIME! Think about how Ivan Stanislav is the true, unequivocal hero of PRIME.
But as always, dear friends? Always Think Red!