- There have been many questions surrounding Coral Avalon since involuntarily joining the eGG Bandits after UltraViolence, but unfortunately for all those expecting answers to those questions, Avalon uncharacteristically didn’t make himself available for reporters after his match.
He was later sighted boarding a private jet bound to his adopted hometown of Seattle the following morning.
Yes. That jet. You know the one.
- Reporters backstage have stated they saw Darin Zion leave the KFC Yum! Arena with a cardboard sign in tow. Many fans have claimed the disheveled Zion begged them for money post-show. Zion was seen in tattered clothing, approaching people asking for donations, looking rather panicked on how he will make the next PRIME show.
- Cancer Jiles has already commissioned a gospel version of “I Am The Cool” sung by the USS Octane’s revered barbershop quartet in preparation for his match with Don Winters. They will be paid in KFC, including the full use of all eleven of the secret herbs and spices.
- On the Glue front, Joe Fontaine checked himself into Dr. Fihlguud’s medical office for both “slap-related” and “rock-paper-scissors-related” injuries. He was very quickly thrown out.
Sid Phillips has already claimed shenanigans on rock-paper-scissors as a concept, and he went on record by saying the following: “Rock should tear paper in twain like a powerbomb should tear human bodies in half. The whole concept is built on lies, perpetrated by those who think that rocks are not the powerbombs of the gaming world.”
His tangent went on for so long that nearly every reporter walked away, except for “the Fabulous Gold Mask” who, for whatever reason, was wearing a newsboy cap and taking notes. We still don’t know who the man in the golden mask is, by the way. We’re working on that.
- The staff at the KFC Yum! Center reports that even after the show had ended and the lights were turned off, you could still hear the echo from when Cancer Jiles screamed about Timo Bolamba’s poor three count.
- People lie, numbers don’t. Neither does the PRIME front office.
As a follow-up to Numbers Don’t Lie champion Chandler Tsonda’s announcement of the new name and stipulation for the Alias belt, Lindsay Troy’s administration put out a press release to acknowledge the major points of Tsonda’s declaration. An excerpt from that press release is below:
“PRIME is thrilled about the night-to-night excitement that the Numbers Don’t Lie title will bring to ReVival. Competition is the backbone of our company, and we appreciate Chandler Tsonda highlighting the spirit of competition in an organic and dynamic way. The following rules will be observed during all title defenses:
– Each title defense will have a randomized time limit, announced before the bell
– Within that time limit, Iron Person rules apply. One fall will NOT end the match”
Interestingly, the press release offers no follow-up on Tsonda’s claim that any defenses of the belt will result in a re-plating of the large number in the middle of the faceplate, i.e. going from 0 to 1, 1 to 2, etc. Two unnamed sources in PRIME leadership confirmed, in no uncertain terms, that any cosmetic changes during Tsonda’s title reign will be at the Model Citizen’s expense.
- Stuart Weiler, director of the Make Pleasant More Pleasant Foundation, reports that the telethon during ReVival 37 drew a record breaking $187,239.12 in donations and pledges.
“This is a great start,” says Weiler, “but we need a lot more if we are going to have a chance at lasting success in fixing Mr. Pleasant’s psyche, much less his incisors.”
Weiler reported that the phone number associated with the pledge drive will remain active for the next week to allow for calls that may come in following On Demand replays of the ReVival broadcast. Anyone wishing to make a donation online may do so at https://mpmp.org/donations. Mailed donations should be sent to:
C/O Stu Weiler
Re: Fucking Crazy
PO Box 5KR33
Freer, Texas 78357
- Universal Champion Ivan Stanislav, Alexei Ruslan, Speedy Riggs, and the rest of his staff boarded their plane following ReVival 37 for what Ivan Stanislav proudly proclaimed as “The People’s Recognition Tour” with the PRIME Universal Title. For the upcoming week, Stanislav said he would be traveling to Cuba, North Korea, and The People’s Republic of China to “share with good communists all around world the fruits of good Communist Labor.”
When asked if he planned to attend ReVival 38, Stanislav smirked and said:
“Oh, I will be there. Booking or not, it is responsibility of Universal Champion to be present. Morale would plummet in my absence.”
He then boarded the plane without another word.
- Following his loss to Hayes Hanlon, Max Kael?, along with his associates U.N. Couth and Violent Purple, were sighted at the Louisville Muhammad Ali Airport. The trio are on their way to Europe to finalize a new business venture expected to debut in the coming weeks. Kael, nor the rest of his entourage, had any comments on his first PRIME loss.
- No word yet on the return status of PRIME’s Neck Collector, FLAMBERGE. As previously reported, FLAMBERGE is on approved personal leave and is currently rumored to be in his hometown of Strasbourg, France, though this has not been confirmed. Repeated messages and phone calls to FLAMBO’s current and former associates, including Henri Lavigne, Daniel Darby, and the Glueminati, have (to put it politely) been a gigantic waste of time. In particular, the unsolicited TED Talk by Joe Fontaine left this reporter with more questions than when he began this investigation.
- Following his loss Friday night to Eddie Cross, Adam Ellis had a long sit-down talk with his trainer Charlie Blackwell on Monday. Blackwell expressed his concerns about Ellis letting his feud with HOW… and especially Lee Best… interfere with his focus on the Cross match and with his PRIME matches in general. Adam agreed with Charlie’s comments and vowed to recommit himself to furthering his PRIME career after the HOW blowoff match against John Sektor this weekend.
- Word on the streets is PRIME has signed a contract with Rob Williams, an industry veteran that has spent several years on the independent circuit. During his “glory days,” Rob Williams held various titles in two major promotions – NGW and UCW. UCW’s former golden boy has since fallen on hard times, allegedly due to alcohol and drug abuse. Since parting ways with NGW some 10 years ago he has had a litany of legal problems ranging from Driving Under the Influence charges to Assault.
Williams’ long time manager John Gordon declined to comment on the contract nor Williams’ storied past when reached out to for comment.
“There’s only ever been one Rob Williams and there will only ever be one Rob Williams. He hasn’t ‘burned out.’ Rob has been enjoying the freedom of the independent circuit.”
Last month Williams was spotted leaving a rehab facility in California. Time will tell if he can stay sober and more to follow on his signing with PRIME.
- Well, tarnation! Following his run-in with Ami Troy and subsequent unscheduled meeting with Lindsay Troy at ReVival 37, it seems like Daytona Diamonds might be in for a rude awakening. Early reports state that due to his outrageous behavior, The Rhinestone Cowboy is on his last chance with PRIME. In their meeting, it’s said that LT and DD discussed his recent indiscretions, his future with PRIME, and the company’s expectations if he wishes to remain employed. While the exact details of the meeting haven’t been released, we reached out to Daytona who had the following to say:
“Welp, sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you, huh? I reckon I’ve been steppin’ on a few too many toes ’round these parts and, y’know, I get it. I ain’t the easiest fella to get along with, I know, I know. I’m a god dang outlaw, firstly and foremostly, and I got a temper like a Gulf Coast hurricane. I get to spinnin’ and, boy howdy, you best run for the hills… but after my little chat with the ol’ Queen of the Ring, I reckon we’ve come to what they call a ‘mew-chew-wool under-stand-in’. From here on out, you’re gettin’ a better Daytona Diamonds! Fitter! Happier! More productive! No more fines, no more shenanigans! I done went and turned over a brand new leaf, baby! I’m here to do what I do best and that’s kick a little ass, for pete’s sake! I reckon we’ll just keep that train a-rollin’ with round two of the Almasy, huh? Yeehaw!”
Throughout his impassioned speech, Daytona reportedly kept winking repeatedly, stifling laughter, and rolling his eyes.
- Per city ordinance, Daytona Diamonds was fined $10,000 for activating a fire alarm in a non-emergency situation and, in lieu of jail time, has been ordered to attend fire safety classes by the Louisville Fire Department. His punishment for chasing Ami Troy with an axe has “yet to be finalized.”
- The latest news regarding the Masters of the Moscowverse is thusly:
Following the combination of Kenny Freeman defeating Darin Zion and the Masters defeating the Glue Man Group in the first of the Gentlemen’s Games, the duo celebrated as only they know how…with a pizza party at Lil Ceasar’s.
No 7-11 expensive cardboard pizza here, folks; the Masters went all out with no less than FIVE of the finest Five Meat Treat pizzas money can afford, alongside THREE 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew. Do the Dew, indeed.
- The following letter came in via fax from the headquarters of Fuerza Pro:
“Hello, PRIMEates! Ooh ooh ah ah, Trained Monkey #5 here. We here at Fuerza Pro are excited that PRIME is coming to our neck of the woods next year, but we wanted to reach out…no, this isn’t about your car’s extended warranty, it’s about our next show When The Dance Gets Hot happening this Friday!
We’re ushering in Halloween weekend with a stacked card that includes the Open Invitational Costume Party Battle Royal, and we still have plenty of invites left to mail out! If you believe your name should be on the guest list, give us a shout on the ol’ Jabber machine or via email and we’ll get it sorted. Thanks! Ooh ooh ah ah.”