Hello hello, glorious comrades of the world hello!
It is I, Alexei Ruslan, with another edition of Think Red!
This comes to you after a whirlwind trip around the world on our “People’s Recognition Tour” across the globe, where many influential and wonderful leaders have had the chance to not only congratulate Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav on his tremendous, one-sided victory against broken, battered, and beaten Brandon Youngblood, but also see how we, the Russian people, continue to fight for what is right and good in this world!
So please, dear friends, forgive me if this is shorter, or perhaps not as well edited, but I am a man on the move, and I am but human. Yes, there are those who would spread rumors. Some may claim I am ill. Some may claim I am not right in the head.
But you and I absolutely know they are nothing but fear mongers and liars! And if, by some strange fluke, you do believe these lies? I encourage you to send me your name, address, and place of work. I’ll set you straight.
For research purposes, only.
Also, offer me the information of anyone who you think might also believe such lies.
Thank you in advance.
So, let us continue!
The Glorious People’s Recognition Tour
The People’s Recognition Tour, which commemorates Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav’s victory at UltraViolence, was a wonderful affair. Our first trip was to balmy Havana, Cuba, where we met with First Secretary Miguel Díaz-Canel. This was the first time that a leader of Cuba had met comrade Stanislav. For those who are uninitiated, yes, Comrade Stanislav did meet Fidel Castro at one time, many years ago, but that was it.
During a meeting with the National Assembly, comrade Speedy Riggs was honored for his lifelong service to his country, and afterwards we went and enjoyed some warm Cuban weather (Ivan is very good at volleyball!). Afterwards, Comrade Stanislav spent some quiet time at Comrade Castro’s Tomb at Santa Ifigenia Cemetery.
Then, it was a short plane ride to beautiful North Korea. I can’t speak much on that trip, but suffice it to say that we had a wonderful time. You should all come visit. If any of you are interested (especially anyone in the PRIME roster) let me know and I will happily charter a free trip for you! Who knows, you may never wish to come back to the western world once you’re there, it’s so lovely!
Finally, a slap-dash visit to the People’s Republic of China, where we managed a short meeting with Xi Jinping, who looked quite dashing with the Universal Title around his waist! Comrade Stanislav was given the honor of speaking at the National People’s Congress and received a standing ovation! We also met with old friends, including Loyal Communist Party Member Wang Xue and his two wonderful assistants, Pan and Jie Ru!
How nice it was to connect once more with old friends.
And now, we make our way back to the United States for ReVival 38. Yes, with Ivan Stanislav not required to wrestle due to the entire roster vying for a chance at our Universal Title, one might think he would rest on his laurels. But such is not the case, oh no!
Rest assured, Comrade Universal Champion Stanislav will make his presence known. The Red Era continues! We all shall reap the rewards!
So let’s get to some predictions, shall we?
ReVival 38 Predictions
CANCER JILES VS. DON WINTERS
Winner: Don Winters
This was hard to decide, dear friends. We all know that Cancer Jiles is delusional. Anyone who has some kind of sick egg fetish and keeps with him the company of a fatass loser like Bobby Dean certainly has a few screws loose. However, Don Winters is a crazed Bible thumper. So what is a man to do?
Well, Cancer Jiles still hasn’t fully recovered from the positively, absolutely mind blowing bashing Comrade Stanislav gave him back last January, so that’s good enough for me. He’s weakened for you, Winters. Just finish him off.
JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL VS. GARRY RAY-RAY BOLAMBA
Winner: Jonathan-Christopher Hall
Fun fact: Did you know that the Americanization of “Ivan” (which came from Russia first, by the way), is John? Just another reason why JCH should win this match. I have come around to Ivan’s thinking. We just love him. But you know who we love even more?
Vickie Hall. She is, as they say, just the dish.
Furthermore, and I hate to potentially reveal incriminating information, I don’t actually think Garry Bolamba shares biological material with any Bolamba family member.
ROCKY DE LEON VS. KERRY KUROYAMA
Winner: Kerry Kuroyama
This was a tough one. Mr. Kuroyama seems like your run of the mill, dime a dozen haughty children types who thinks because he’s got a fancy sense of style that he somehow is better than others. He thinks he’s a traditionalist in the wrestling world, I believe. He thinks he’s got skill and ability.
Well, trust me little Kuroyama, you don’t get this most-coveted nod from Alexei Ruslan because I like you. You get it because Rocky De Leon is an idiot, who DARES to stick his nose in Arthur Pleasant’s business. He’s an fool, through and through.
Kuroyama, I’d love to talk to you sometime about your political beliefs. Perhaps we can figure out where you stand on the spectrum of such things, hm? You’re an international wrestler, so you’re just ready to be part of something greater. Just let me know.
CORAL AVALON VS. EDDIE CROSS
Winner: Eddie Cross
Two young fools who have been sufficiently stomped by Stanislav. Yes, Eddie was thrashed far sooner than Mr. Avalon, who seems to be an eGG Bandit now? But Eddie also went toe to toe with Dave Gibson, who we know from experience is one of the toughest fellows in the business, sick or not.
Gonna give it to old One-Eyed Eddie.
JARED SYKES VS. TONY GAMBLE
Winner: Tony Gamble
I love when decisions are easy to make.
Now, this is a rough Russification of his foolish name but here is how you spell Jared Sykes in Russian. I will share phonetic pronunciation as well.
Джаред Сайкс. (Dzhared Sayks)
And here is how you say “sucks.”
So, lets put it together:
Джаред Сайкс отстой! (Dzhared Sayks otstoy)
No more analysis required. Congrats Tony Gamble.
CHANDLER TSONDA VS. DAYTONA DIAMONDS
Winner: Daytona Diamonds
I don’t know, I still just can’t get over something with Chandler Tsonda.
Oh yeah, that he stole Ivan Stanislav’s spot in the Murder Rumble earlier this year, that’s it! Screw him, the little pretty boy piss pants!
Go get ‘em Cowboy.
CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON VS. BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD
Winner: Cecilworth Farthington
You know, a lesser booker would have made this the main event, but this is probably when I’m going to be getting more popcorn. Because who really wants to see a yawn-fest like this?
Let’s get the obvious out of the way: Brandon Youngblood’s time in PRIME is over. The tower has fallen. It was shattered and broken at the foundation and demolished before our very eyes by one very strong Russian excavator.
And Cecilworth has devoted a life to what, slapping on a hold and applying some torque here and pressure there?
How boring. Comrade Stanislav can do more damage in a fraction of the time with a stomp of his mighty foot.
Still, we give it to Mr. Farthington. Not because he has any real ability. But because Ivan has fully tenderized Youngblood for the next ten or so years, and any match against him should now be a walk in the park.
THE MAIN EVENT
KENNY FREEMAN VS.
Winner: Kenny Freeman
Oh yes, the Main Event. Comrade Kenny Freeman will vanquish Haughty Heinous Hanlon for all to see. I know how excited the fans were when Ivan got his revenge against Hanlon back at Tropical Turmoil, and to see it again through Comrade Kenny will be just so sweet!
We have molded Comrade Freeman into a killing machine. He’s frothing at the mouth to rip into Hanlon and tear him to shreds, and I cannot wait to see it myself!
We know you won’t let us down, Comrade Freeman.
Like the soldiers during the Great Patriotic War! Not one step back!
Oof, I am tired. Yes, I am but one man and, despite my best efforts, only human. Indeed, though my personal information is highly classified, I am no spring chicken any longer!
So, my dear friends, I leave this Think Red for you to read and digest. But yes, consider these things: Think about the Almasy Tournament, and how all these charlatans (minus Comrade Kenny) scramble to claw up the legs of Universal Champion Ivan Stanislav! Think about how the Red Era has ushered in newfound hope to all of us. Think about how beautiful it is to live in a world where Ivan Stanislav is PRIME Universal Champion.
But of course, dear Comrades, if anything? Always, always, Think Red!