RUMOR MILLS: NOVEMBER 15TH EDITION

• • The cryostasis technology possessed by the eGG Bandits could clearly ReVolutionize modern medicine, but Cancer Jiles is on record in saying “fuck ’em” when asked about sharing said technology with the world at large.

 

• • With the end of PRIME’s association with the Phoenix Wrestling Alliance, “Mega Job and the Ten True Fruits” has officially been picked up by the ACE Network and will debut its fifth season some time in April!

Season four had ended in a major cliffhanger when ever-present semi-villain Baron von Blackberry was betrayed by his demon butler, Lorenzo, who stole from him his beautiful wife, Mrs. Blackberry. Now, he must team up with his hated nemesises (nemesisii?), Mega Job, in order to make use of the four True Fruits they’ve collected in order to get his blushing bride back!

Word on the street is that former PRIME and DEFIANCE star Jason Natas will be playing the role of Craiggery the Banger Devil Toad.

 

• • Alexei Ruslan is just a sentient coat attached to a man.

 

• • It is a known scientific PRIME fact that Hayes Hanlon can use his mustache to fly. Passengers on a particularly respectable jet that definitely isn’t owned and operated by a Crumb King reported seeing him flying like an eagle to the sea, letting his spirit carry him.

He can be coerced into landing if you get him some seed.

 

• • Gary has finally learned his lesson about soliciting rumors from The Anglo Luchador’s children, as he received the tip that Miss Lippy’s car was green. Fun fact about Gary, Billy Madison is his favorite movie. He finally took the hint that the kids were mocking him. Finally.

 

• • From what we are hearing, the end of the Battle for Gray’s tournament was not what anyone expected. We haven’t heard anything concrete, nor have we seen any paperwork on it, but what we can tell you is Gray’s Wrestling Academy has been dormant for the past few days. The doors are locked and the lights are off. We reached out to Foster Nackedy and Jonathan Rhine but have not heard back. Hopefully the southern wrestling academy opens its doors again soon.

 

• • Is Chandler Tsonda calling in the cavalry? After the Model Citizen’s remarks following ReV 38, a hotly-discussed rumor has moved through the industry about who Tsonda will enlist to watch his back. Tsonda, while generally liked and respected in the locker room, has few close friends on the active roster. And at ReV 39, he faces off against Coral Avalon, and potentially, the full might of the eGG Bandits. Tsonda reportedly has been working the phones to try and even up the numbers game.

The most commonly-discussed name on this topic was Jasmine Jeong, the Numbers Don’t Lie champion’s protégé and 19-year-old sparring partner. However, Lindsay Troy’s front office has repeatedly confirmed that the teen phenom, talented though she may be, has no contract with PRIME, and that there’s a long line of world-class talents who may be ahead of Ms. Jeong in line. This calls into question any hopes that Jaime Aguilar, another member of Tsonda’s scout team, might be the new corner man. Other names mentioned include returning PRIME stars with a personal connection to the Model Citizen, folks like Nova, Danny Ferguson, and Tyler Rayne. No sourced reporting mentioned contract negotiations between any of these men and the current PRIME administration.

 

• • Rumours that Cecilworth Farthington’s head “fell straight off, like a cheap magician’s trick” after his brutal and bruising encounter with Brandon Youngblood have not been confirmed at this time, nor can we confirm the social media post that purports to have caught Farthington looking for “neck glue” at his local Home Depot.

 

• • This one’s a bit unusual, and while we’re not sure how it started, it has gained some traction as of late. There’s a rumor swirling around the internet that Jared Sykes, who has been with PRIME since the ReVival era began, was hit by a bus four years ago and has been dead since. The only supporting evidence that we have been able to uncover is the report of an MBTA bus that was brought in for repairs in late 2019 with what mechanics described as “an ass-shaped indentation.” We reached out to the Sykes camp to confirm whether he is or is not a supernatural entity, but have thus far received no response. Given that this tactic of ignoring messages is commonly referred to as “ghosting,” the Rumor Mills staff have no choice but to assume he is, in fact, a ghost. If nothing else, this would explain the constant wailing that seems to come from his locker room every week.

 

• • Witnesses at a restaurant in Nashville reported seeing Rob Williams eating alone. At one point during the meal it appeared he was talking to himself. He left a great tip.

 

• • With the next round of Gentlemen’s Games approaching, word around the Mills is the Masters of the Moscowverse have been training extra hard for the karaoke contest.

How hard, one might ask?

If the hot rumor is anything to go by, Kenny and Randall have seemingly teamed up with the multi-faceted, generational talent that is Poppy, learning what it takes to be a megastar under her tutelage during recent album signings around the area.

When approached for comment, Kenny Freeman stated the following:

“I’m Kenny. I am Kenny. I’m Kenny! I’m Kenny. I am Kenny…”

 

• • Multiple ships were reported to be burning in the Port of Nashville last night. Representatives from the City of Nashville could not be reached for comment.

 

• • Snacks from the destroyed interior of VENDBERGE are rumored to be sold as autographed collectibles at COLOSSUS. No word on whether the vending machine or the wrestler is doing the signing.

 

• • Joe Fontaine is rumored to have accepted an offer to guest teach young children all about Alexander the Great at his old elementary school in Phoenix.

Think about it. The youth of America being taught by Joe Fontaine.

Mortifying.

 

• • According to Scott Hunter, Logan James smells like poop.

 

• • Rumor has it that PRIME has been contacted by Disney for an unknown project involving a member of the roster. Whispers of an X-Men movie involving Colossus have been bandied about. But there are also several other Disney projects supposedly in the works for this talent:

A Brother Bear Remake

A Baloo the Bear spinoff from The Jungle Book

A Winnie the Pooh Live Action Remake

A Little John origin story from Disney’s Robin Hood

The villainous role of “The Bear” from the Fox and the Hound Live Action Remake

A biopic of Lotso the Bear from Toy Story 3

And perhaps the most sought after: An in depth study of Koslov The Russian Bear from Zootopia.

For the life of us, we have no idea what member of the roster could possibly be considered for all of these roles.

 

• • Apparently, Tony Gamble was so upset about his loss to Jared Sykes that he was seen walking through some park in Greensboro with his head down in shame as a dark cloud hovered over him. It may be hard to believe, but rain showered down on him from that cloud and only wherever he was standing. The night sky was so clear, except for the shadow cast upon him by that torment of failure.

Or at least, that’s the story going around.

 

• • Keen-eyed visitors to the PRIME website have noted that some of the wrestler photos have been updated lately. We here at the Rumor Mills news desk are currently investigating some whispers coming out of those shoots, as word on the street is that an inquiry was placed to PerkinElmer – the manufacturing company responsible for the lens on the Hubble space telescope – about what would be required to get a camera lens with the proper focal length to capture Jared Sykes from behind. While the people involved have thus far denied this, we here at Rumor Mills absolutely believe that this is a true thing that actually happened.

When questioned about the crew’s insistence on referring to Sykes as “Baby Thicc Boy Hamsteak,” one photographer told us, “What? No, I didn’t. What does that even mean? That’s not how words go together.”

Attempts to reach Sykes have thus far been unsuccessful, however when reached for comment his partner Justine Calvin told us, “You should print this, Gary. Also HR gave me your home address. Just saying.”

PerkinElmer did not comment in time for publication.

 

• • And finally, Bang! Pro Wrestling is set to officially announce its first-ever English commentary team for its upcoming Clash of Aces show in January.

The first of the names is longtime industry veteran and the vaunted voice of the Internet Wrestling Organization and the Squared Circle, Greg Parker! And the second of those names is…

…I’m sorry, this must be some kind of mistake… it says here that Melvin Beauregard is on commentary for this event?

Oh no.

Oh dear.

Oh god.