Hello my dear comrades! Once again, it is Alexei Ruslan with another edition of Think Red!
Did you know that Think Red was the longest running wrestling newsletter of the ReVival Era? It absolutely was. And there’s no one who can dispute that. However, did you know that it is also the longest running wrestling newsletter of The Red Era?
Indeed it is. And with this information comes a great deal of pride from yours truly. But I also have to give thanks to all my wonderful comrades in The Red Army, and of course you, the fine reader, who inspires me to write to you each and every cycle!
As I sit here at my desk, staring out at the Kremlin Wall, I think about the long, storied history of Ivan Stanislav and myself. From all the way back when we first started wrestling internationally in the late nineties to where we are now. And you know what always seems to come up?
Let us consider these dastardly representations of capitalism, shall we?
The Bear and the Vending Machines
Yes, you all know what I’m referring to. At ReVival 38, FLAMBERGE emerged from a vending machine and surprised Ivan Stanislav and myself. This surprise could have been averted had Lindsay Troy let us know ahead of time. But once a capitalist always a capitalist. Got to get that “pop.” You have to get that “excitement.”
I still see that coy little grin on your face, Lady Troy. I expected better from you.
But yes, we admit it, we were surprised.
Bask in it, bottom feeding rats who scurry about our feet. For it will not happen often and when it does, retribution is swift and final!
And you know what, dear friends? A vending machine was the perfect representation for the entire ordeal. It encapsulates the rot that eats at the capitalist system day in and day out. After all, you put your hard earned money in the thing, and what usually are you given in return? Something cheap, of poor quality, and certainly not good for you.
Same thing as the human being that was spat out of the vending machine at ReVival 38. Cheap. Poor quality. And near poisonous.
Poetic? I think so.
But vending machines and Ivan Stanislav have a very long and storied history. And no, dear detractors, not in the sense that you yearn for.
For you see, despite its capitalistic roots, the vending machine has been an ironic instrument of destruction when in the presence of Ivan Stanislav, and they have always brought him victory. They are the cudgel to which he has destroyed his greatest foe, then faded into obscurity. They are the furniture which is too heavy for lesser men, and yet easily held aloft by the awesome power of Ivan Sergeiovich Stanislav.
Oh yes. It is history lesson time!
Yes, there were echoes of the history many months ago, when Ivan absolutely destroyed Hayes Hanlon and Rezin throughout the Freeman Coliseum at ReVival 25. There, he nearly crushed Hanlon with a vending machine and with relative ease. You wouldn’t see dear old dripping glue Hayes able to lift a vending machine, would you? And he nearly pissed his pants with fear, had Eddie Cross not intervened.
Rumor has it Eddie’s little bleeding heart still leaks like a sieve in his weakest moments.
But most of you don’t realize there’s so much more to it than that.
Oh yes, in PCW there was the “Monster” known as Meanstreak. A laughable bulk of corded muscle and angst. History tells us how he doggedly intercepted The Red Army at every turn. And yes, Meanstreak did defeat Ivan a time or two. But in the end? What laid Meanstreak low?
Not just Ivan Stanislav.
A vending machine.
I was there. October 30, 2001. The University of Hawaii. Tropical Turmoil Fifty-Four. Not only did Meanstreak get crushed by a Dr. Pepper-laden machine, but he was Red Scared through the damnable thing. I guess he got what the “doctor” ordered.
Note: Dr. Pepper is not a medically trained doctor. He simply wants your hard earned money, workers of the world!
And then, with one boot upon his chest, Comrade Stanislav single handedly won the PCW World Championship and PCW blue turned Red Army red.
It’s funny how history can repeat itself, no?
Meanstreak, Jon Kano, and others have all fallen to vending machines in the past. Objects that are too burdensome for anyone else to carry, Ivan Stanislav carries them with ease. They are not a means of hiding for a man such as he. They are not a vehicle for subterfuge.
They are the means of destruction. It is a suitable end for a capitalist to be crushed under the weight of their own sins. As Lenin said, “We will hang the capitalists, and they will sell us the rope.”
I relish, dear detractors, to break it to all of you: Universal Champion Ivan Stanislav is not going anywhere. No coward hiding within a vending machine is going to usurp him. No smarmy “owner” of PRIME is going to hoodwink a man who has been through so much and has destroyed so many.
The Glue has dried, dear friends, and it has turned yellow. From backstabbing Hayes Hanlon (even if I did enjoy Jared Sykes getting what he had due), veritable space cadets Phillips and Fontaine when they put the boots to Coral Avalon. Even Cecilworth Farthington, this vaunted “technical wonder” couldn’t defeat Brandon Youngblood without, yes, capitalizing on the damage wrought by Ivan Stanislav two shows in a row. You know, the shows where Ivan Stanislav annihilated Brandon Youngblood in succession?
Who else has beaten Youngblood two shows in a row? I’ll tell you hasn’t.
A squirrely Frenchman hiding in a box. That’s who.
You should have listened to Ivan Stanislav so many months ago and taken our offer, Julien.
It’s not too late, son. There’s still an off-ramp before it all comes crashing down. You are but a puppet in their game. From Glue to Troy. Don’t fall for it. Please.
Don’t make us do something to one of the few people we actually want to respect.
ReVival 39 Predictions
MAR VS. ROB WILLIAMS VS. SEÁN O’NEILL
Winner: SEÁN O’NEILL
Okay, so I don’t know who Mar is, and I don’t know who Rob Williams is, and I don’t know who Mr. O’Neill is either. But, at least O’Neill isn’t American, so that has to count for something, right?
SCOTT HUNTER VS. LOGAN JAMES
Winner: No One Cares
Seriously, does anyone care? I can at least say no one who reads a true wrestler’s article like this would care. There are far better things to worry about.
RICH PATTERSON VS. SAGE PONTIFF VS. CRASH JACKSON
Winner: Rich Patterson
Sometimes I think Lindsay Troy is actually hiring all these know-nothing wrestlers to try to put a black eye on The Red Era. Shame it won’t work.
I don’t know people. You couldn’t pay me enough money to care about this match (and before anyone starts saying I sound like a capitalist, trust me, I’m doing a LOT of work here just trying to think about said match).
Sage Pontiff is a drug-addled degenerate whose head is so far up in the clouds he suffers from chronic nosebleeds. . Crash Jackson has shown nothing but idiocy since joining PRIME and has some strange relationship with hot dogs. At least Rich Patterson seems to have a decent head on his shoulders.
Actually scratch that. “Rich” is too capitalist of a name.
Seriously…why are these people here?
Someone needs to hire a Russian in the front office. This is ridiculous.
PAXTON RAY VS. NATE COLTON
Winner: Paxton Ray
Can there ever be a more one-sided match? Not only do we have the utmost respect for Paxton Ray, but Nate Colton and his little piece of bacon on his shoulder deserves none at the same time.
You know, everyone has been talking about how Paxton Ray has been apologizing for all the bad things he’s done to folks in the past, but he’s never apologized to us. And do you know why?
Because unlike most people in PRIME, we actually treat individuals with respect and thus don’t warrant horrible things befalling us. However, it really does boggle the mind. Paxton, I can almost respect what you’re doing, but you don’t have to apologize to those people. They deserve everything you’ve done to them and then some and, frankly, they’re just going to burn you with it later.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
And please note: It is true, I’ve never apologized for anything. And not because I’m stubborn. But because I am always right.
JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL VS. KERRY KUROYAMA
Winner: Jonathan-Christopher Hall
Did you know that people who have full tattoo’s on their backs are hiding some sort of deep rooted humiliation and don’t feel comfortable in their own skin. It’s true!
I can also say that Vickie Hall has done a wonderful job leading JCH to victory time and time again. Well, except for when he went against Ivan Stanislav and was stomped into the mat, but that was a long time ago, and we’ve all grown since then. That is what life is about. Personal growth.
Mr. Kuroyama has been skating upon his high horse for some time, but I think he’s gonna get a dose of True Love and learn a harsh truth: Emerald pales in comparison to Red. And Pink is just a cousin to that beautiful crimson color.
CHANDLER TSONDA VS. CORAL AVALON
Winner: Chandler Tsonda
Yes, it hurts to write that Chandler Tsonda is my pick, but I am, if nothing, completely honest.
But let’s delve into some considerations regarding Coral Avalon, shall we?
Coral Avalon really and truly was onto something with his professional wrestling career. He was doing so well. And then, what happened?
Oh, ReVival 18 happened. Coral Avalon vs. Ivan Stanislav.
If that massive cranium was filled with anything other than dough, he’d have done his homework and realized the man who he was tangling with. But he didn’t. And he lost.
Not only did he lose. He crashed and he burned and with it, his entire career crumbled around him.
And I don’t want to hear anyone talking about Ivan kicking Coral Avalon in the balls. I think his future conduct proves those things shriveled up long ago. They probably migrated to his forehead, which is slowly consuming him.
And post ReVival 18, what did Coral Avalon become?
He’s an eGG Bandit.
For just a moment, dear readers, let’s just think about this.
This guy is married, with a baby on the way, and he’s an eGG Bandit.
I haven’t made an omelet in a long time, but if that’s not a recipe for mediocrity and misplaced responsibility, I don’t know what is. I would almost feel sorry that Ivan was the cause of all of this, but it’s not like we forced him into the ring way back when. That’s on you Coral.
I mean let’s really dig into this. What an absolute nosedive of a career. Someday, Coral Avalon is going to be old and his child is going to be cognizant (probably with some special brace to hold the poor thing’s head up if, Lenin forbid, he inherits Avalon’s massive head and absent brains), and Coral’s going to have to say, “And when you were in your mother’s belly, I was busy playing grabass with Cancer Jiles and the fatass waste of space Bobby Dean. I was palling around on some carrier somewhere getting frozen for kicks, while your mother suffered all by herself and actually thought about your future.” And then he would say, with tears in his eyes, “Please, son/daughter, yes I was a grown man at the time and I know how pathetic that is. I know you must be awash with shame, and I do not blame you. Your mother was carrying you around in her body, all by herself, while I was making jokes about eGGs and serving as a lapdog to Cancer Jiles and sitting downwind from human-cinammon roll Bobby Dean. They were my priority at the time. Not you and your mother. And I know, dear little tyke of mine, if I just wasn’t an idiot and got into the ring with Ivan Stanislav, maybe I would have been a father worth respecting.”
Forgive me, readers for my language and religious response.
Tsonda, there is no force on Earth that could possibly make you any more pathetic than that. I encourage you to shake Coral Avalon’s hand before the match in thanks.
I know. I’m shocked too.
Take the wins when you can, pretty boy Tsonda. At least you can always say “At least I was never an eGG Bandit.”
HAYES HANLON VS. CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON
Winner: Cecilworth Farthington
I’m going to go with Farthington on this one. Hayes Hanlon is a complete coward. Why, I had a conversation with him the other day on jabber and the poor child nearly wet the bed. I even challenged him to a match and I could hear his knees knocking across the globe.
Farthington is eccentric as they come, but at least he’s not a junky lowlife loser.
jared sykes VS. CANCER JILES
Winner: Cancer Jiles
Upon further reflection, this must be one of the WORST cards in PRIME history. I wish Ivan was booked, just to give it SOME sort of redeeming quality.
I think it’s part of the Geneva Convention. Let me look it up.
Article XIV of Geneva Convention
No one should ever have to choose between Cancer Jiles, a complete poser narcissist who probably stores eggs up his rectum, and Jared Sykes, the poster boy for a need for centralized education and further funding.
But here we are.
Let’s make this quick.
Sykes sucks. Jiles wins. We all lose and go home disappointed.
It is a true testament to The Red Army and Ivan Stanislav that we even show up at ReVival 39, considering the literal dumpster fire that will continually happen in the ring. But it is true, we represent all of PRIME, and it would be irresponsible for us not to be there.
Besides, someone has to have something worth watching, yes?
So please, dear readers: Think about how Ivan and myself will be at the show. Think about how that will somehow make at least a small portion of the show worth your time. And of course, dear friends, always Think Red!