- A Jared Sykes-themed turkey stuffed with his bottled tears was presented at a Thanksgiving dinner. It was launched by catapult, dispersing tears and turkey meat to the needy. The three men operating the catapult claimed that it felt like as good a time as any to do this.
They have not been identified, except that they seem very familiar and one of them was a little person with the meanest nutsack-aimed lariat ever delivered in the continental United States.
We don’t even know how they got the tears. They’ve been sold out for a while.
(ed. note: Gary Gartholomew… where the hell do you come up with this stuff?)
- Multiple-time world champion and Hall of Famer Joey Malone, father of PRIME’s Joe Fontaine, has officially kicked off the 15th annual charity fundraiser for the Joey Malone Foundation For Children’s Awareness of the Coming Gnomepocalypse.
Yes, that really is the name of it.
No, that’s not actually what the charity is for.
Investigative reporting indicates that Malone’s wife sends money raised to feed children in needy countries and definitely does not fund any sort of defense against the coming gnome invasion that the former IWO and Action! star has been yelling about for the past two decades.
- Sources say a major wrestler and multiple time World Champion from another company has been in talks with Lindsay Troy directly on a part-time contract to work a limited number of PRIME events per year. Said talent is looking to step away from one of his current organizations, with that contract ending December 31st. It’s believed said wrestler is extremely interested in joining the PRIME roster, citing the incredible talent. Sources say this individual believes he has outgrown his organization and is eager to debut in PRIME, although it’s unlikely a final decision will be made until the start of 2024.
- Sid Phillips has not stopped screaming about bears.
- Deep Googlers among the PRIME fanbase have uncovered a long-thought buried series of books, films, and albums by a man purporting to be Chandler Tsonda. “Tsonda Tsmut” is said to be “super horny” and “gibberish like a LOT of the time.”
Is this the work of another DoppleTsonda??? Research continues.
- Sources say Vickie Hall is pressuring her father, Reed Young, aka DADDYYYY to sign a manager’s contract in PRIME. Reed Young is the former owner and commissioner of Action! Wrestling from the early 2000s. Since the closure of A!W, Reed has tried his hand opening various other wrestling and combat companies but closed them almost immediately for undisclosed reasons.
Reed is without his fair share of previous criticisms. He was a heavily controversial character in his key promotional years, with critics saying he was very unorganized. Despite an extremely wealthy background, the dubbed “Ideas Man” has been taken to court over numerous copyright infringements and blatant online thefts. His most recent wrestling organization, Lots of Lightning Fueled Wrestling (LOL-FW) failed to gain notoriety with fans, citing the name and strange wrestling stipulations, such as the use of a seven-roped squared circle not connecting with its audience. Young is also known to throw money at any problem. Sources say Vickie remains adamant her daddy signs with PRIME, even though Reed says he’s a very busy man with little free time.
- Ivan Stanislav’s PRIME contract is set to expire at the end of the year, and the Universal Champion certainly enters negotiations in a position of strength, considering what some may call a “red banner year” for the Russian.
Still, rumors are beginning to swirl as to the nature of the contract. Will Stanislav ask for an extension? Will he retire? Could he possibly choose to negotiate for a different role in PRIME?
How will Stanislav’s strained relationship not just with Lindsay Troy, but most would say all of PRIME factor into the negotiations? Not to mention the geopolitical climate regarding Russia as a whole?
If anyone’s talking, it certainly isn’t the Russians. But this does add more pressure to Stanislav’s upcoming Universal Title match against FLAMBERGE at Colossus 2023.
More information as it becomes available.
- Hello, Scott Hunter here. I have heard some very interesting and possibly damaging rumors lately. They involve a turkey, green vegetables, and a Six Flags Season Pass. I would like to be more specific but they are watching me. I just hit my funny bone and it feels weird. Good luck to you, and Godspeed.
- RUMOR KILLER: We are fairly certain that you CAN’T buy FLAMBERGE’s lizard-print teal pants at Kohl’s, Macy’s, or JC Penney.
The investigation continues.
- Branding opportunity? It’s been rumored a number of companies are interested in sponsoring Daytona Diamonds as his star continues to rise in PRIME. Most seem to be alcohol or contraceptive based products. It’s said Mr. Diamonds has interest in the alcohol companies, but absolutely none in the contraceptive ones.
- A strange request came by the desk of Lindsay Troy this past week. It asked for a locker room, 30,000 pounds of boneless, skinless chicken breast, and, I quote, “the cloak of protection that hides people from the USADA.” It was written in crayon on Gold’s Gym stationary.
While many in the PRIME offices were mystified at where the request came from, The Boss rolled her eyes so hard that she needed ocular surgery to get the nerves reattached. Sources said she drank “all the bourbon,” including the Woodford Reserve Double Oaked 10-year-aged bottle she was saving for date night with Wade Elliott before rejecting the request and sending a sternly worded email to The Anglo Luchador. Why TAL? Well, she received a request for two special guest passes for SHOOT Project superstars from him for this week’s show. She said no more than that when pressed, and all calls to The Anglo Luchador’s sources, including his children, turned up no responses. Mainly, the calls to his children bore no fruit because all Gary’s burner phones have been blocked and, well, the budget office refuses to buy him new ones.
- Hoot hoot hoot, hoot hoot? Hoot hoot! Hoot Hoot Hoot: Hoot. Hoot (Hoot Hoot) Hoot Hoot “Hoot Hoot Hoot” Hoot!? Hoot.
- Word around the tea kettle is that Jared Sykes has decided to legally change his name to JARRY!!!!!, and will be appearing as such going forward. The move is similar to other one-named artists such as Lorde, Beyoncé, Cher, and Prince. The latter making the most sense, given that if you’ve ever heard Sykes speak, that is indeed what it sounds like when the doves cry.
And continue crying.
We here at the rumor desk will keep you updated on whether this name change comes with a deluge of purple rain (or perhaps pink, given the color of his hair).
- A couple of eagle-eyed fans claimed they have seen auburn-maned preacher man Don Winters boarding a plane to South America sometime last week following his appearance on ReVival 39. These unsubstantiated claims say The Revelator is looking to forge a deal with the government of a small country within South America about setting up a religious retreat. This would apparently be for the growing ranks of His Word and Light, the ministry that Winters purportedly leads. Winters could not be reached for comment. Is that because he was out of the country? We don’t know!
- Former HOW superstar and DEFIANCE waste of a roster spot Clay Byrd has been seen recently competing in Bang! Pro Wrestling and making the semi-finals of the Terminus Complex 2023, falling to Bang! star Circe. The surly Texan was questioned about his future at a press conference. He answered with the following:
“I’ll tell ya one thing, the longer I stay out of Chicago the better.”
When pressed about his future for 2024:
“I ain’t really thought much ‘bout it. I’m goin’ with the flow and finding where it takes me. Right now, the current has me here in Japan and I’m enjoying my time in Bang!”
The press conference ended with Clay making a statement.
“Tell that lil shit Gavin to get himself in a locker until I leave the buildin’.”
Lord Gavin Yum took all of his questions from a locker in the locker room with a hand made sign claiming it was “Lord Gavin’s Office” and kept asking reporters if Clay had left yet.
Clay had to leave promptly for a meeting about his arm. Nobody informed Gavin. This is assumed that he (Clay) is seeing a physical therapist for an unknown injury that took place during the Terminus Complex.
- Coral Avalon is currently under investigation by the FDA (Forehead Drug Administration) for the possible use of supplements to increase the size and girth of his forehead. Avalon’s forehead has been a frequent source of conversation in the past few months, and many roster members fear what will happen if he were to unleash such power upon them through headbutts.
The eGG Bandits have not responded for comment.
Out of fear.
- Hank of Glueminati fame has been rumoured to have spent the best part of this week looking at pictures of Japan on a Google Image search. We tried to reach out for comment and context but… well… y’know…
- Accusations have come to light on a wrestling Discord server that ALL of WON ACTION NEWS’ segments were written by AI. Some of the more far reaching stories even claim that Max Kael? is artificial intelligence.
- hey whats up buttmunches its parttime private investigator and fulltime bandit-in-training chris chickentenders here and ive got some hot and juicy bits of gossip for you to chew on.
so like just to bring everyone up to speed here some people remember there was this dude in prime called rezin and he was a pretty cool guy that once took me to mexico and got me tequila and i guess he was a universe champ but I guess when he stopped being universe champ he wanted to explore the universe or something cuz I guess he got abducted by aliens and taken to some other planet and I bet youre thinking what Im thinking which is that theres probably a lot of butt stuff involved in that.
but anyway word on the street is that he like crash landed on thanksgiving in some dudes backyard while he was doing a podcast or something and he stole a bunch of tinfoil and left but like I wasnt there personally so I cant corrugate those claims but theres probably someone that could recreate the scene with aight art.
by the way Id like to thank all the aight artists out there for all the hot ladies Ive seen over the past few weeks and itd be cool if someone made aight art of me surrounded by all the chicks in prime huehuehuehuehuehuehue
maybe Ill ask my cousin craig hes been like super deep in all this Tsandler Chonda comics lately but at the same time hes a turd so maybe not.
but anyway I guess since that whole thanksgiving thing theres been like a huge uptick in rezin sightings all over the country and nobody knows where hes going or what hes doing but from what aightwitness reporters are saying hes got like a hat made of foil or something and he keeps trying to get people to join a “human rezistance” or whatever but most people just mace him or spray him with whatever to chase him off cuz hes been weird lately.
but fear not loyal brosephs cuz private investigator of privates chris chickentenders is on the case of the missing goat blaster so like if anybody has any rezin sightings please be sure to like document it and sent it to my dms cause Im planning on opening a new investigative branch that searches for crippled or cricket wrestlers or whatever.
also if your a chick send me butt pics huehuehuehuehuehuehuehue
ill give you all regular updates once I get on the trail but until then stay fresh cheesebags.