Think Red 23
Hello my dear readers and welcome to yet another edition of Think Red! The only publication in PRIME that tells you the truth and, if you have an open mind, you might just learn something too!
The Almasy aka the Snooze-fest
So here we are, at the cusp of the final matches of Almasy Tournament. After ReVival 40, we’ll finally know who the final two are.
I am not a representative of PRIME, but I think it is professional for me to apologize to you all for the absolute snore-fest that this entire tournament has become. First of all, the fact that Ivan Stanislav wasn’t present (of course, due to his decisive win at UltraViolence), clearly dampens the excitement factor. But then the other fine members of The Red Army took it upon themselves to drop out in protest of unfair business practices perpetrated by PRIME.
Ah, sweet solidarity.
But it doesn’t matter. Yes, Jared Sykes has a Golden Ticket for the Universal Title. Yes, the winner of the tournament will also have a chance to challenge for the Universal Title, but again, we all know how that will end. Ivan Stanislav will be the champion for many, many months, if not years to come. He already is one of the most prolific Universal Champions in PRIME history (more on that later).
If I can risk going off on a slight tangent, there are also rumblings that Ivan Stanislav is STILL the PCW World Champion. You see, when Ivan and myself had the title, we weren’t pinned. No, there was a third person in that match and THEY were pinned.
Typical capitalist selfishness. Do you know that would mean that Ivan Stanislav has been PCW World Champion for 8,066 days?!
Well done, Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav! I am so proud to be your co-champion!
Ivan Stanislav: One of the Most Prolific PRIME Universal Champions in History
The numbers don’t lie: Ivan Stanislav is one of the most successful and prolific Universal Champions in PRIME history. And while I need not explain myself, I am, if nothing, an agent of the truth.
When we get to Colossus, when Ivan will once again defend his Universal Championship. He will have defending the title, dutifully, through thick and thin, for 83 days.
If we simply take into account he ReVival Era, we can see that only one person will be able to say that he held the Universal Title for longer: Brandon Youngblood. And we already know how he cozies up to Lindsay Troy and politics to pad his numbers. It’s so brazen, I refuse to count both of his title runs. After all, he didn’t defeat a Universal Champion to earn it at Culture Shock 2022, so that run certainly doesn’t count.
Cancer Jiles held onto the title for 85 days, yes, but he didn’t defeat a champion for the title either. I know, it’s a sad state of affairs in PRIME pre-Ivan’s entrance. So sad. But he certainly doesn’t count.
As a matter of fact, Hayes Hanlon held the title twice, and through it all, he only held it for 83 days. But let’s not fool ourselves. A long time of that was during the “off” time of PRIME, so those dates don’t count. Yes, poor Homerun Hayes sure did strike out, twice. His two runs are shorter than Ivan’s one!
I won’t deny it, then, that Brandon Youngblood is the only champion beyond Ivan Stanislav who has held the title for only -slightly- longer than The Russian Bear. But that will change soon enough.
Why, even if I go back farther into the ReVival era, out of the 22 champions at that time, Ivan has held the title longer than 9 of them. That includes such luminaries as Lindsay Troy (ouch!!) and Tchu (whoopsie!) and that no-good for nothing Boda (jerk!).
I say all of this to let you know what a wonderful time we live in, right now, with Ivan at the helm, and he will continue to serve as the face, voice, and conscience of PRIME for a very long time.
Thank you, Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav!
The Phantom Booking (get it?): Eddie Cross vs. Brandon Youngblood
Typical chicanery by PRIME. They book a match and then push it under the rug. But they didn’t expect Alexei Ruslan to be on the case, did they?
I saw it. I know some of you saw it. Eddie Cross was booked against Brandon Youngblood at ReVival 40. But oh, where is the match? For we do not see it on the card.
Oh, I’ll tell you.
After his near career ending match against Ivan Stanislav at UltraViolence, and then the further capitalization on said injuries by Cecilworth Farthington, my understanding is that Brandon Youngblood begged and pleaded to Lindsay Troy, upon hands and knees, not to have any more matches because his body is far too broken.
I was around the corner when I heard him scream, with terror in his voice, “Please Mommy Troy!! I know I say I am the Diamond, but after Ivan systematically destroyed me on international television, I just cannot continue! Please!!!!”
It was, in a word, pathetic.
Coincidentally, I was next to Eddie Cross when he saw the original booking. With a smile and twinkle in his emerald eyes, Cross looked at me and said: “That fossil is as good as dead once I delete his ass in the most radical of ways.”
But then, when the match disappeared, Cross was even more brazen. He cited, and I quote, “I knew Brandon Youngblood would piss his pants going up against the n1ghtcraw1er. He saw that magnet I had and knew I’d shove it straight up his bald ass. Now I guess that means I have more time to hop on MySpace and instant message some chicks!”
“Despite that big glaring dome on top of his head, he doesn’t have the spine to go up against me with my cool sunglasses and awesome post-baby boomer catch phrases. Do you dig what I’m shoveling? Bruh. Brandon Youngblood is a washed up diaper-baby who couldn’t hold a candle to me. Bruh. I nearly lost an eye wrestling that big time O. and G. Dave Gibson and what has Youngblood done? Bruh. Yes, he nearly got beaten to death with his own arm at the hands of Ivan Stanislav (a man who is a true inspiration to me) but still, someone can get beaten and not look like a punk-ass bitch. Do you hear me, Brandon Youngblood? Bro. You’re a bitch. Biotch!! Biatch!!!”
This really is a huge disservice, because I agree with Eddie Cross. He couldn’t stand up to Ivan (just like Youngblood couldn’t, TWICE), but still, I dare say Eddie gave Ivan a bigger challenge than Youngblood. I think Eddie Cross finally stated it best:
“Brandon Youngblood can’t beat people older than himself. Bro. For sure. Bru. He’s also scared to wrestle people younger than himself. Let me just talk truth here, for realzies fam: Brandon Youngblood is yesterdays news. Word up to that. Bruh.”
PRIME: Book the match. Stop hiding it from us. Cross and Youngblood. I want to be compensated for these shady dealings. Cage Match, maybe on a cliff? With explosives? Something.
Just end Brandon Youngblood. How many times do you have to shoot Old Yeller before he finally dies?
ReVival 40 Predictions
ANNA DANIELS VS. DARIN ZION
Winner: Anna Daniels
My Russian legal team told me that I may not be authorized to write D.Z.’s name on this publication, so I’m deciding not to. But I walked past this hobo heading into the FedEx Forum who was asking for a Frosty… and I think that was him?
I don’t think he’s ready. Anna Daniels for the win.
ADAM ELLIS VS. DON WINTERS
Winner: Don Winters
This was a hard one. I mean, look who it is! “Mr. Johnny-be-late Adam Ellis.” “Mr. I’m a comedian hick from the USA” Adam Ellis. “Mr. Where I come from, inbreeding is not only celebrated, but encouraged” Adam Ellis.
Course then you have Don Winters, who ran from me like a newborn child after I told him some hard truths about his faith.
Eh, I’ll go with Don. Not because I like him. Honestly, not even because I don’t like Adam Ellis. But he wears some red. So we’ll go with that.
TONY GAMBLE VS. BOBBY DEAN
Winner: Tony Gamble
So there’s these groups of marks who do their own half assed commentary alongside PRIME results every Friday night when there’s a ReVival. I don’t quite understand what they’re all about, but a lot of times they think they’re astronauts because they keep talking about going beyond the moon.
There’s a point to this, painful as it is to read, just bear with me.
But one of those jokers said that “Bobby Dean is the biggest wrestler in PRIME.”
You’d have to be “past Jupiter” to say something like that. No one is bigger, nor stronger, than Ivan Stanislav. Especially not some fatass grease stain like Bobby Dean. I swear, these amateurs can just get online and say whatever they want. This is why the State should control all opinions. Just because some giggling jokers can get online and make sound doesn’t mean you should listen to them.
Tony Gamble wins. And if he doesn’t, he’s gonna die and be consumed by Bobby Dean. Either way, it’ll be fun.
DAYTONA DIAMONDS VS. MAX KAEL?
Winner: Max Kael?
Gosh, it can be so exhausting writing these as we lead up to the blockbuster main event of the evening.
Let’s just give it to Max. I do appreciate that Daytona Diamonds likes to beat up Troy children, but I don’t know, there’s something about Kael. Something… off about him.
But Max, you didn’t get me back on Jabber. No one did. I just took a break and returned.
P.s. You can still be our friend though.
JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL VS. JARED SYKES
Winner: Jonathan-Christopher Hall
We already know that Jared Sykes is a dead man walking, holding onto a Golden Ticket that will put him in the path of our fine Universal Champion. JCH is on a hot streak too, in no small part because of Vickie Hall and her wonderful leadership.
I can only imagine how jealous Jared Sykes must be, going up against someone who has such an ironclad, healthy, sharing and loving relationship like the Hall’s. When I think about the dysfunction that exists between Sykes and Calvin, and all the issues they’ve gone through, it only reinforces my belief that the Hall’s will be victorious.
I mean, the Hall’s never had to separate, did they?
Besides, it would be nice to see JCH and Ivan Stanislav wrestle again, don’t you think? I know I would love to talk with Vickie about it, figure out a way to not only make it competitive, but also worthwhile.
And you know, dear Vickie, it’s a win/win for you either way. I mean, lets be real, Ivan wouldn’t lose. But we’d still be friends and you have to admit that as much as you think JCH is a fine wrestler, you can’t deny that Ivan is more of a man than your husband would ever be.
Something to think about.
Also Jared Sykes sucks.
Can we have his name changed to “Jared Sucks?”
CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON VS. CORAL AVALON
Winner: Coral Avalon
My sources tell me that Coral Avalon’s surgery to repair his broken body post-Ivan Stanislav has been going well. You know, Ivan beat him at ReVival 18 with a stern shot to his thigh and a Red Scare for good measure. Have I ever mentioned that?
I can’t, in good conscience, vote for Cecilworth Farthington. Not because of Glue. Not because he’s rich. Not because he’s British. But because he capitalized on Ivan’s thrashing of Brandon Youngblood. And no, Ceciworth, you can’t say you beat Hayes Hanlon and that makes you good at anything. Because Hanlon is a complete nobody loser. He’s a shell of whatever he once was.
Besides, Coral Avalon is one of those guys who you just feel sorry for. I mean, his closest friends are Cancer Jiles and Bobby Dean. That’s just sad.
Let’s just give him something to help keep his chin up.
THE ANGLO LUCHADOR/ROCKY DE LEON VS. DAVID NOBLE/ARTHUR PLEASANT
Winners: Arthur Pleasant and David Noble
I remember it like it was yesterday, when Ivan was booked to team with The Anglo Luchador. Unflappable as always, Ivan, with that warm smile and exuding positivity, looked at me and said:
“Well Alexei, guess I will just have to work harder.”
That’s the sign of a true man. A true leader.
Because I’ll tell you what, most people (and I’m sure the Pterodactyl man can relate) would scream at the sky to have to carry that anvil of mediocrity around in the ring.
And then you add Arthur Pleasant, one of the preeminent wrestlers of our time into the mix along with David Noble, who has shown himself to be capable as well, and it’s just elementary.
It’s going to be a bad night for the lucha’s.
THE MAIN EVENT
UNIVERSAL CHAMPION AND LEADER OF THE RED ARMY STARSHY PRAPORSHCHIK IVAN SERGEIOVICH STANISLAV/MASTERS OF THE MOSCOWVERSE VS. two idiots and a lizard
Winners: The Red Army
I don’t want to belabor the point here, people. We all know what’s going to happen. The Red Army will be victorious, while the boys in glue get to lose yet again. How can it be any different?
But FLAMBERGE, especially, you had better watch out. We wouldn’t want you to get hurt during this match, would we?
Well, I think it is about time to wrap this up. We have gone to three different BBQ places in Memphis and management has denied us service at each and every one. Yes, the “managers” all had t-shirts on with guns and American flags upon them, so go figure.
But my friends! Think about how fantastic a champion Ivan STanislav is, and will be! Think about the decisive victory that The Red Army will achieve tomorrow. Think about how easily Ivan will take that sword and break him over his knee. But no matter what, dear comrades, always, always Think Red!