COLOSSUS NIGHT ONE
Rob Williams v. Crash Jackson
A couple of newer PRIMEates on the scene, I’m going to have to give a predictive nod here to Rob Williams. I don’t know much about these two, but I know Rob Williams is always hopped up on cocaine and may or may not have genie and/or alien powers.
Likely outcome: Mork wins by submission.
Don Winters v. Daytona Diamonds
Daytona is gonna take this because of his sick ass hat. Look at that hat. Go on, look at it. Look at all those sequins! It takes a big pair to wear shit like that in public, and he’s gonna rest that pair on Don Winters’s face.
Likely outcome: Sick Ass Hat wins via nutsack pin.
The Anglo Luchador v. Rose
It’s no secret TAL and I have butted heads, but he also speaks skree, so he’s got that going for him. I legit can’t understand how he’s being matched up against a plant, but I have to think top rop flippy shit will win out over petals.
Likely outcome: TAL wins with pruning shears.
Brandon Youngblood v. Tony Gamble
No jokes on this one, folks. You just don’t fuck with Brandon Youngblood. Tony’s got a hell of an uphill battle, and I don’t see him making it out on top.
Likely outcome: Brandon Youngblood by a masterful and awe inspiring pin.
Chandler Tsonda v. Coral Avalon
Coral’s been on a hot streak, but Tsonda… there aren’t many people who will look the Russian Bear in the face and not feel the least bit of concern or fear.
Likely outcome: Tsonda comes out on top in a very close one, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Coral has something up his sleeve…
Jonathan Christopher Hall v. Cecilworth Farthington
Look, Vickie’s batshit insane, and we all know it. That doesn’t change the fact that her number one boytoy has been showing the fuck up lately. I think we’re poised for a major upset here from a man who very much has something to lose. The five star champion likely isn’t going to be prepared for the level of desperation and drive coming from JCH, and I don’t think it’s going to take any ring side shenanigans for him to come up with a win at the Almasy Finals.
Likely Outcome: JCH by medical decision, because I think there’s a good chance he beats Farthington senseless.
That’s a wrap on night one. We’ll check back in next edition to see how well everyone’s favorite pterosaur predicted the future. Also, this just in, I have been informed that it is, in fact, Thursday. Please do not take my inability to grasp the concept of time as an indication of the quality of my reporting.