Hello, hello, dear comrades, hello!
I know you have all been aching for this edition of Think Red. Poor PRIME. Just about everything coming out of that organization that is deemed “news” is hardly that. We have dinosaurs talking about freedom. We have bandits with oversized foreheads! But do not fret, because finally, I am getting to true, honest news.
Note: We do not criticize wonderful, beautiful Vickie Hall (I do believe she has some Russian ancestry), because she has only been defending herself and her outrage is more than warranted.
But this is going to be a long article. There’s a lot of what one could say are “filler” matches in Colossus leading up to the Main Event on Night 2, but I do have a few important newsworthy pieces. Let’s get to it with a subject that is bound to perk us all up.
They say about 15,000 people die on any given day. But my sources tell me that more people related to PRIME have died in the past two weeks than ever in the history of mankind! So let’s get through some of them. Not that I’m in a hurry, I mean, they have all the time in the world now, I guess?
Lorenzo Battaglia- The Anglo Luchador’s father passed during this span of time. Lorenzo was a wrestler who went by “The Italian Stallion.” I have to admit he wrestled in areas of the world and a style that, frankly, is boring to me and as such, I don’t have much else to say about him. Nonetheless, though Lorenzo is dead I’m sure he’s with us all (he’s really not, because afterlife and ghosts aren’t real but I hope it brings some peace).
Larry Lawson- So this guy was the manager of Daytona Diamonds. You probably don’t know this, but he’s a wrestler in PRIME. Wears a big hat. Talks funny. Anyway, reports state Larry just dropped dead and died. Lawson ran Mojave CHampionship Wrestling, which was some no-name regional promotion somewhere in the United States, I think? That’s dead too so it probably doesn’t matter. Anyway, sorry for your loss, Daytona, I’m sure Larry meant the world to you.
Toby Castellanos- Hayes Hanlon’s grandfather, Toby Castellanos, died suddenly as well. My understanding is that Grandpa Toby was serving time for decades and when he finally got out he realized what a know-nothing loser his grandson was and just up and died. Can’t say I blame him.
Max Kael- I am pretty sure I saw someone dragging a body that looked like Max Kael’s into a dumpster. But we’ve only known him since June, so we don’t have to waste keystrokes on him. Six months is when you have to at least pretend to care.
Dave Gibson- “Old School” Dave Gibson passed away after a long fight with cancer. No, not Jiles, Dave would have kicked his ass. Many know that Gibson wrestled alongside Ivan and myself in OSW in the early 2000s. I went out on a limb and offered my heartfelt feelings on Jabber and, quite frankly comrades, I do not think I can go through that emotional turmoil again. But, with that being said, Ivan did wish to leave this for Dave:
“Dave Gibson was “Old School” to the core. While we never wrestled one on one in the ring, he and I locked up many times in battle royals and other matches of those types. Any individual who ever stood in the ring with Mr. Gibson knew that they were in danger of not just losing their match, but losing their career. We may never have been allies or comrades, but we were two men who worked together, and that means something at its core. There was, neither in the present nor the past, a better technical wrestler in our profession and we have lost one of our own. I hope you find rest, Mr. Old School. You will be missed.
I understand that some, or maybe all, of these deaths may weigh heavily on your heart, so I will do my best to remind you of something joyous: Do you know who will endure forever? That’s right. Ivan Sergeiovich Stanislav. Neither cancer, nor old age, nor a bolt of lightning, nor anything else will stop him. And I think we can all find gentle comfort in that.
I encourage all of you to, instead of mourning the dead, celebrate Ivan. Thank him for being alive, if you will. It’s healthier that way.
Colossus Night 1 Predictions
Okay this is a long show. Let’s get this started.
ROB WILLIAMS VS. CRASH JACKSON
Winner: Crash Jackson because of luck.
Rob Williams seems to have found God or something. Crash Jackson thinks he can build a magnet strong enough to attract The Russian Bear. What a sorry state we find ourselves in.
I flipped a coin. Crash won. Next.
DON WINTERS VS. DAYTONA DIAMONDS
Winner: Daytona Diamonds because I don’t like Don Winters.
Well, I really do hate matches where three of the four names start with the letter D, so that’s already putting this one in the tank.
But I don’t like Don Winters. I even dislike him more than cowboys. Seems like a good enough reason to vote for Daytona Diamonds. Besides, he just lost his good friend, Larry, and I’m sure he’s dedicating this match to him.
FIRST BLOOD MATCH
THE ANGLO LUCHADOR VS. ROSE
Winner: TAL. He can’t win his matches, but his father will this time.
Any other time and I’d say Rose wins, but since the Grim Reaper has been a good proletarian and has been putting in overtime, he took TAL’s father. That gives a certain emotional push to any contest, and I just can’t imagine TAL losing.
Well, I actually can picture many scenarios where TAL loses, it’s so easy, but still, I think he’s got this one.
BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD VS. TONY GAMBLE
Winner: Tony Gamble, not because of his own ability, but because Brandon Youngblood is a shell of the man he once was.
If you look up “downward spiral” in the dictionary (preferably a State approved one, mind you), you would find a big picture of poor Brandon Youngblood. First he loses to Ivan and Paxton. Then he loses to Ivan. Then he loses to Cecilworth.
And some people say justice doesn’t exist in the world.
Look, Tony Gamble is hardly someone I care about, but he’s absolutely the lesser of two evils here. But hey, at the very least, if I’m wrong? Tony Gamble gets beat up.
Win/win if you ask me!
ALIAS TITLE MATCH
CHANDLER TSONDA (C) VS. CORAL AVALON
Winner: Chandler Tsonda because…
…did you know that Ivan Stanislav dismantled Coral Avalon at ReVival 18? And now look where he is. Wow. I’ve talked about this at length in previous editions of Think Red. But Coral Avalon did do one thing few have leading up to Colossus: Bring life into the world amidst all the death. Do you think he’ll have butterflies, wrestling his first match after his child was born?
I’m pretty sure Chandler Tsonda has this in the bag. I’ve been watching a lot of his movies, and he really is a multi-faceted fellow. Lots of action and suspense and hijinks to boot. Anyway, I think beating Coral will be (over) easy.
ALMASY INVITATIONAL FINALS
Winner: Jonathan-Christopher Hall w/ Vickie Hall because of Ivan Stanislav
Do you know when Jonathan-Christopher Hall managed to turn his career around? After Ivan Stanislav beat him in the Tropical Turmoil Tournament. And you know, there are so many people, very petty people at that, who would hold onto grudges and not want to make amends, but not Vickie Hall.
She showed her strength of character and did not hold a grudge. This is a woman who is so open and so full of love that she can see the big picture.
I know a thing or two about managing, and great managers. I am not, under any circumstances, stating that Ivan Stanislav’s victories are because of my presence. We are communists. We work together. It is a different mindset. But, I cannot say enough about how Vickie Hall elevates her beau to new heights each and every time those lovebirds walk down the ramp.
And Cecilworth? Well, he likes to crack jokes and pretend to be an idiot. He cuddles up to Lindsay Troy and rides upon her coattails. But none of that will protect him from good, hard loving work.
Congrats, Jonathan-Christopher Hall. Well deserved.
Colossus Night 2 Predictions
PAXTON RAY VS. RICH PATTERSON
Winner: Paxton Ray, because he’s a good man
Paxton Ray is a good man. Maybe he’s a little violent and rough around the edges, but we’ve always seen the heart of gold in the man through and through. I still cannot stress enough what a pleasure it was to work with him in our tag match a few months back.
As for Rich Patterson… I don’t even know who this is. But I do know this, Paxton Ray is gonna kill him.
EDDIE CROSS VS. MAX KAEL?
Winner: Eddie Cross, because Dave is watching and Max is already dead. Unless this becomes a casket match, then Max wins
I’m not going to get into this whole Dave Gibson thing, because it’s been blown way out of proportion. But I will say this, Eddie is fighting with the memory of Dave Gibson in the back of his mind, and that’s a powerful motivator.
I just can’t see Cross allowing himself to lose. Then again, I’m pretty sure Max is already dead so… should be pretty easy.
NATE COLTON VS. KERRY KUROYAMA
Winner: Nate Colton
I’m not a big fan of Nate Colton and his entire family. Ivan beat him and his entire family, near single-handedly (I helped a little) in a separate show. That was half a year ago, and I’m not sure he will ever recover.
But you know, I think Kerry Kuroyama has been looking just a little too long in the mirror at himself. He’s got just enough of that chip on his shoulder to tell me that he’s a real pompous sort. Nate is at least a bit understated and, if I have to give more of a compliment, he does work hard at his craft.
Kerry does too, but I just choose not to recognize it.
So Nate, congratulations, I’m fairly certain this is the first time I’ve endorsed you as a winner. Clearly, you must be getting better.
JARED SYKES VS.
Winner: J. S.
I don’t want to get into this. Let’s just move on…
TWO MAN-CHILDREN VS. MASTERS OF THE MOSCOWVERSE
Winners: Masters of the Moscowverse via total domination
I was struck by the killer instinct that Kenny and Randall possess. You really should see them. I’m half worried they have rabies, because you should see the way they train.
Furthermore, just for curiosity’s sake, they took a psychiatric test here in Russia and while they may have been labeled “slightly” psychotic, they also were stated to be “prone to violent, uncontrollable outbursts.”
I don’t think the Glue Man Group quite realizes what kind of a buzzsaw they’re walking into, but it’s not gonna be pretty.
THE MAIN EVENT
SECOND LONGEST REIGNING PRIME UNIVERSAL CHAMPION OF THE REVIVAL ERA STARSHY PRAPORSHCHIK IVAN SERGEIOVICH STANISLAV VS. a little boy in a machine
Winner: Ivan Stanislav through absolute destruction.
Look, I know western wrestling promotions haven’t figured it out quite yet. They don’t understand that our communist ideals dictate that Ivan and I wrestle each battle as a unit. So you may think this No DQ stipulation was a means to, what, stop us?
But you’re wrong.
I want to thank you, Lindsay Troy, from the bottom of my heart. I want to thank you as sincerely as I can.
We’ve seen your calculated attempt to wrest the Universal Title from Ivan’s powerful hands. I saw that cute, smug little grin of yours when Julien clawed his way out of that vending machine and walked down to meet Ivan. I heard when you say that the referee is welcome to “defend” themselves if need be.
You have no one on your roster who can beat Ivan and it eats you up inside. Yes, you are cute on Jabber, and you revel in your “power” as the owner. But in that ring, you are wholly powerless. There’s nothing, really, that you can do. You can hope. You can pray. And you can try to manipulate the situation as best as you can.
And so, dearest Lindsay, you thought you’d “get one” up on us by making the match no disqualification. But dear girl, you only did exactly what we wanted.
Because now? Ivan is going to unleash his full fury upon anyone and everything in his path, and nothing can grant him pause. No threat. No rule. No punishment.
And it is all thanks to you.
Reap the whirlwind, Lindsay Troy.
Better luck next time, Julien.
Well, my friends, I think I’ve written enough. We march towards Colossus as one! Together, we will see victory and move into the new year with the Red Era going strong!
Think, my friends, about all we have accomplished this year.
Think, dear comrades, about the strength of our unity.
Think, most everyone, about the single most dominant man in PRIME: Ivan Stanislav!
But always, always, Think Red.