For immediate release:
Colossus has come and gone, and what a two night affair it was! From titles changing hands, surprise returns, the vomits, and an Almasy winner being crowned, it really had it all. That said, let’s get to the good stuff.
Long Live The Golden Bandit
First and foremost we’d like to send out our most sincere congratulations to “Hard Boiled” Coral Avalon for winning the Alias Championship! The hard fought win secured Coral his second different championship thus far in the ReVival era. His wife and newborn are sure to be proud, as well as his fellow brethren.
Murdered By Brandon Youngblood
Secondly, the Bandits would like to officially welcome Tony Gamble into their wonder group. After his “match” against PRIME’s encRumberment crumb, Tony was last seen being dragged/assisted to the back by Bobby Dean and the recently paroled Cancer Jiles. It is said that the Bandits took pity on him, since most of them had been in that particular spot before.
Thirdly, and speaking of Bobby Dean, an egg within the carton said he was legit hot over BY stepping on his toes at Rev 40, and furthermore he was ready to do something about it after the BYTG plus matchup at Colossus. However, after all that screaming and then making his way down to the ring with no sort of respite, Bob was exhausted, famished rather, and called an audible.
Our Money Is On The Latter
Lastly, the whole gang showed up at Coral’s night one presser to proclaim their rousing support for the newest Golden Bandit. Even Tony Gamble was there, hence the prior official welcome. During the presser Tony appeared lifeless outside of the Hawaiian shirt he had on. He was also being referred to as Bernie Gamble by the group. Mainly Jiles. No word on if the change in name was to help him hide from the shame of vomiting inside the ring, or if they were just hazing him.
-Jiles made a joke about Bernie Gamble being the smallest Bandit during Coral’s presser. He added that before Bernie entered the deep freeze they were going to measure him back to back against Coral’s baby just to be sure. Then, the artist formerly known as the Golden Ticket shrugged off a potential mega bout against Brandon Youngblood at ReVival 42 in Jiles’ hometown of COOLadelphia. He stated in regard to the match, “No, I don’t think I will.”
-Christopher Chickentenders is a name being floated around to represent the eGG Bandits at next year’s War Shock Games.
-A source close to the scene reported that the eight or so people in the audience who recognized famed German author, Ian Hess, were happy to see him as night two of Colossus went off the air. In a related rumor making the rounds it’s being said Ian was actually thinking about coming back at last year’s Colossus, but as the source put it, “I don’t think so. Not at COOLOSSUS, brother.”
-There are whispers of a brand new podcast beginning at the start of the new year starring Annabelle Dean and Annabelle Avalon. The name of the podcast, AA with Belle’s, is set to air on the Tingle network and will cover their future bout against alcoholism from being in close proximity to the eGG Bandits.
-Bernie Gamble has entered cryostasis.
-After the reviews of Colossus have come slowly trickling in, Lindsay Troy hand wrote a heartfelt apology letter to Cancer Jiles begging him to never pull a power move like the one he did again. She ended the 97 page letter with, “YOU CAN HAVE BOTH MAIN EVENTS NEXT YEAR.”
-Colossus flowed well.