- Prior to Colossus, three children in a trench coat were caught attempting to pose as Ivan Stanislav at a movie theater. It might have worked if their Universal Title belt hadn’t been made of construction paper.
- After the conclusion of the cataclysmic main event of Night Two and Hessian’s shocking return, Richard Parker was seen climbing up onto the smoldering ruins of the commentary table and shouting “THE ARISTOCRATS!” at the top of his lungs.
- Nate Colton was said to be in good spirits the day after Colossus–no surprise, after a narrow victory in his match with Kerry Kuroyama. The PRIME newshounds got a statement from him while he was at the airport waiting for his flight to Chicago.
“Kerry was everything he claims to be, and then some. Absolutely one of the best I’ve ever been in the ring with, and I’d like to think we brought something special to the show last night.”
When asked what that might be, Colton continued. “That this sport doesn’t have to be about nonsense. Two people at the top of their game, fighting like hell…not for revenge, or jealousy, or anything else. Just because they both think they’re the best at this, and they need to find out who’s right.”
Does Colton think he’s better than the Emerald Apex? “I think I got lucky. Sometimes it’s about the right move at the right moment, and I managed to pull it off…but there’s no way I catch him that way next time.”
Does that mean there’s going to be a next time?
“God, I hope so.”
- The Anglo Luchador flew home on a redeye flight after night one of Colossus to attend to his father’s estate. He did not even participate in any media scrums. He made Lindsay Troy aware of this after his father passed last weekend.
- In an unusual but somehow wholly predictable story, Chick Grillbreast was involved in an altercation with the King Cake Baby. The two have history. Last year, close to his debut in SHOOT Project when they were on tour in New Orleans, he slugged the King Cake Baby in the head after the mascot surprised him.
Well, the King Cake Baby came looking for revenge and goaded the easily excitable SHOOT Project star, who was at Colossus as a member of The Anglo Luchador’s entourage, into taking another swing at him. After becoming SO MAD at the assertion that King Cakes were better than protein shakes, Grillbreast took another swing at the mascot, knocking his mascot head off.
The KCB’s revenge wasn’t to get physical with the musclebound wrestler, but to get him to run afoul of Lindsay Troy’s decree not to cause any problems at Colossus. Her punishment was swift and she took great delight in it, actually, taking a sheet with Chick’s stats and picture on it and imprinting BANNED on it with a big red rubber stamp. The size of this rubber stamp was comedically large, like, from a cartoon. So Chick will not be allowed back at PRIME anytime soon.
- Coral Avalon was seen in and around New Orleans for much of the week of Colossus and several days afterwards. As New Orleans was his old hometown and he just became a father, it’s believed that he spent much of his time with his newborn daughter and catching up with friends and family.
Of his opponent at Colossus, Avalon had this to say to reporters, “What can I say about Chandler Tsonda? Hell of an athlete, hell of an opponent. Still want to know what his skin care routine’s like, but… well. Can’t imagine he’d want to talk to me after I made out like a…”
He didn’t finish his sentence upon realizing the irony of what he was about to say.
- It was bedlam at Caesars Superdome when a hobbled and bloodied former Universal Champion Ivan Stanislav dragged himself backstage after Colossus 2023 went off the air. Predictably enraged by the outcome of his match, Caesars Superdome may have only been saved a complete razing had Stanislav not already suffered enough wounds to render a normal human being unconscious.
At the insistence of Dr. Astrid Fihlguud (and anyone even remotely aware of human biology) Stanilsav was told he had to go to the hospital, to which he vehemently objected. Multiple EMTs struggled to subdue the raging Russian Bear and Alexei Ruslan, both of whom screamed exclusively in Russian.
By the time the four hundred pound Stanislav was finally subdued, the Superdome lost three doors, two water machines, one ambulance hood, and perhaps a partridge in a pear tree. We cannot confirm or deny this theory, but after the raging Russian finally allowed himself to be wheeled on two gurneys, a big game hunter with an elephant gun and the largest tranquilizers we’ve ever seen was viewed leaving the scene.
Stanislav was taken to Tulane Medical Center afterwards and checked in for the various injuries he sustained. The nature of said injuries have not been disclosed due to “national security concerns.”
- In the most important news coming off Colossus, Daytona Diamonds has reportedly gotten his truck (referred to as “The Pussmobile”) out of an impound lot in Chicago (where its been since after UltraViolence), bought a jet ski (referred to as “The Wet Pussmobile”), and was recently seen “ripping some waves” on a boogie board off the coast of Myrtle Beach, SC.
So, y’know, it sounds like he’s thriving, basically.
- The Glue Man Group’s celebrations over the events of Colossus: Night Two – between FLAMBERGE’s championship victory and the victories of themselves and Hayes Hanlon – were cut short when they were given an ultimatum from Bang! Pro Wrestling that they will be required to defend their Bang! With Your Partner championships at the company’s annual big show, Clash of Aces, on January 4th.
The Glues have consistently refused to actually defend their titles in Japan since defeating the winners of this year’s Celestial Dragon Tag League, No Laughing Matter, and have primarily defended their belts in low stakes beatdowns of far lesser competition in Arizona. Many of those matches involved wrestler Terry Blackquill, noted for being “the world’s most powerbombable man,” who applied for the Belmont Classic this year and was denied entry.
Bang! Pro Wrestling’s CEO, showrunner, and self-styled taskmaster, Inoue Doi, was said to have given this ultimatum to the Glues personally, with translated provided by Ring Dispatch’s Karen Nakano: “If you don’t show up to defend those belts on January 4th, I promise you that you won’t live to see January 5th.”
The Glues seemed to have taken a hint, as key witnesses noted that both Fontaine and Phillips looked like they turned several shades paler after the conversation.
- Following Colossus, Don Winters promised us two things: the first is that Father Winters’ Wonderland WILL be back in the future and that he will hunt Daytona Diamonds to the ends of the Earth to avenge his loss.
On the first news item, it’s said that Billy the Goat Boy was a rousing success and the true star of Father Winters’ Wonderland, and fans are asking for more of the cherubic caprinae hybrid.
On the second item, Winters was incensed following his loss to Daytona Diamonds and refused to pray with his congregation. Instead, he immediately ordered everyone back onto the bus back to Michigan. When asked for comment, Winters responded, “The battle of good and evil is eternal.”
- The news desk is able to confirm that a closed-door meeting took place between Justine Calvin and talent relations during Colossus weekend. While everyone involved is keeping the content of the meeting very hush-hush, there are whispers circulating that it involves exercising an out clause within her PRIME contract. We’ll make sure to pass along any new information as it becomes available.
- Prior to Colossus, a pair of fan-made videos about the event appeared on a few media sites. They quickly gained the attention of PRIME and the ACE Network. While the videos were removed from most of the internet due to copyright restrictions, PRIME negotiated the rights to host them on its own streaming platforms.
“We consider ourselves to be a fan-friendly company, and we’re proud to have inspired someone to put in this much effort,” stated a PRIME representative. “Taking them down before was an unfortunate business decision, but now the videos can be seen in a way that protects our intellectual property, and make some profit for both ourselves and the creator.”
Not everyone was happy with the decision, though. Alexa Van Horn, ACE Network’s Vice Director of Marketing & Public Relations, said that she “didn’t appreciate amateurs being held up alongside our professional creative teams.”
- An interesting, and quite frankly, insane revelation has come to light about Brandon Youngblood’s ongoing injury concerns on the post-Colossus edition of Angelica Brooks Undergroundcast.
Youngblood, the former two-time Universal Champion, had sustained a shoulder separation of his left arm during the ReVival 35 main event tag bout between himself and The Anglo Luchador against Ivan Stanislav and Paxton Ray, while also, in the lead up to UltraViolence, suffering a triceps injury in the same arm due to an apparent accident in training. Managing to gain medical clearance, Youngblood continued competing in matches, even taking part in the 2023 Seymour Almasy Invitational Tournament, where he failed to retain his 2022 crowd after suffering a submission defeat at the hands of PRIME 5 Star Champion Cecilworth Farthington. The belief prevalent within management was that The Tower of Babel would try to deal with the injuries through physical therapy, and, if that failed, would elect to undergo surgery.
Brooks, who is known to have a close and personal relationship with Youngblood, intimated about the small controversy involving the booking of a ReVival 40 bout with Eddie Cross suddenly disappearing from the card, stating “If people knew what’s going on, what’s been going on, they’d be shocked to have even seen him (Youngblood) appearing at Colossus, let alone wrestling.” Brandon was quick to respond, telling Brooks “Well, the office didn’t know I was just days out from surgery, and when they found out, they were livid.”
Youngblood went on to detail that, the Monday after the second round Almasy Invitational bout with Cecilworth Farthington, that he underwent a minimally invasive arthroscopy procedure on his shoulder, while also having minor surgery to repair a partially torn tricep tendon. “That’s why I said I had to go and heal up on 39. It’s why I nearly crumpled when Gamble, that piece of shit, smacked my damn arm. And hell, most people, they aren’t even out of splints or are just easing in to PT. I just really got out of my splint this week. I shouldn’t be able to lift this damn thing, right? Put down Tony all the same.”
When Brooks asked what he was doing to have been able to recuperate so quickly, Youngblood flippantly had this to say. “Steroids. Or maybe a spin in a cryochamber.
When asked about Cancer Jiles making his presence known in the aftermath of his bout with Tony Gamble at Colossus, Youngblood concluded by saying “That piece of coward shit, that loser, that absolute sack of piss kicked me, you all saw what went down in the presser. And I meant every word of it. I wanted to go into the New Year and just survey the field. Get MY title back. I built the ReVival off of his bones. He wants to go? I got no problem building a new wing on this motherfucker. Because my arm? In a few weeks? It’s good as new.”
- Rumor has it that Scott Hunter is a heavy favorite to take home an award for Rookie of the Year in rival company DEFIANCE. He does not appear on track to win an award in PRIME. This is widely considered to be an outrage.
- Doctors are worried about FLAMBERGE after his legendary battle with Ivan. In an interview given shortly after leaving the hospital he kept awkwardly raising his hands into view of the camera and saying “I’m not.. I don’t know what to do…”
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- After the post-Colossus press conference, new Universal Champion FLAMBERGE was transported to a local medical facility for overnight observation. While the Frenchman suffered a number of nasty-looking contusions and cuts, he seems to have avoided serious injury and was released the following morning.
Backstage reaction to the 23-year-old’s championship win is reportedly mixed, with some relieved and happy to see Stanislav’s burgeoning reign of terror halted, some worried that we have traded one devil for another, and others seeing it as symptomatic of a broader “chaos reigns and nothing matters” sentiment. When approached about the latter, FLAMBERGE had this to say:
“I have been 0-1, 2-2, and 5-4 in the PRIME record books. I did not complain about the losses – I adapted. I adapted so hard that I now leave the record books as the smoldering ruin.
The unfortunate thing, I suppose, is if these people look at the FLAMBERGE as something they could aspire to replicate themselves. This is the fairy tale wish-fulfillment fantasy that only ends in tears and disappointment. I have no advice for these people except perhaps to put on the eyepatch and fly out to Chicago or wherever to tune up against whatever skeleton crew of lesser talents they can find – perhaps this will press the dopamine buttons hard enough so that they can return to the major leagues with the improved competitive spirit. Or not. As holder of L’Uni, I genuinely do not give the shit.”
- “Beautiful” Bobby Dean, the Captain of the eGG Bandits, appreciates all of the support and appreciation from the fans and his coworkers in the back. But he regrets to inform everyone that this year he is removing his name from consideration in the following categories: Wrestler of the Year, Breakout Wrestler of the Year, Segment of the Year, RP of the Year, Feud of the Year, and most importantly Manager of the Year.
In his words, “It’s time to let some other people enjoy the spotlight.”
- Reports indicate Vickie Hall was beyond obnoxious and absolutely intolerable after Jonathan-Christopher Hall won the Almasy Tournament on Colossus Night One, screaming “THE STORY IS FINISHED” over and over. For some reason Vickie had numerous rubber chickens in her hands and was apparently throwing them at talent/staff, laughing hysterically thereafter. It is believed she was eventually escorted out of the building and not allowed back for Night Two because she would have likely tried to disrupt any backstage broadcast with said rubber chickens. PRIME might have a nightmare scenario on their hands with reigning Vickie in.
Then again, Lindsay Troy’s done a pretty ELITE job containing the rest of the rabble in PRIME, so we’ll see how long this keeps up for.
- Joe Fontaine, who co-won the “Wrestlers Most Likely to Exist Without a Division and Thus are Leeches Who Shouldn’t Be in PRIME” award from the Red Army-sponsored tabloid Think Red has started a campaign to receive a physical version of his award.
We don’t know why, just roll with it.
- And lastly, from Lindsay Troy’s Office, some promotions and resignations to report prior to year’s end:
– Timo Bolamba has officially retired as PRIME’s head official. Elvis Nixon has been promoted in his place.
– Both Ashley Barlow and Jimmy Turnbull have been promoted to officials from junior officials.
PRIME is officially looking for a fourth referee to round out the crew.
– Eddie Cross has been released from his PRIME contract.
– Matt Mills has been promoted to senior interviewer. Simon Tillier has been promoted to interviewer from junior interviewer.