THE CRIMSON CAPSTONES
PRIME PREMIER END OF YEAR AWARDS EXTRAVAGANZA
Hello my dear comrades. It is I, Alexei Ruslan, and I have the distinct pleasure to present to you PRIME’S Crimson Capstones, THE premier award list of the year.
Don’t be fooled or confused by other “pretender” award lists that may come in the future (unless, of course, Ivan Stanislav or any member of The Red Army is listed as a winner. That is a sure-fire way to know some categories are legit). For the Crimson Capstones, these categories were meticulously considered, vetted, tested, and then implemented. The tabulation process used the most cutting-edge technologies. No hanging chads here folks. No baseless claims of ballot tampering. No rigged, capitalist Amercanized counting.
Yes, like you, I am on the edge of my seat with anticipation, and I know the results! So, without any further ado, let’s just move on to the awards and congratulations to those who are deserving of said congratulations.
2023 Crimson Capstone Awards
Pay-Per-View Match of the Year
Ivan Stanislav’s absolute mauling of Brandon Youngblood at UltraViolence 2023
In what may go down as the “feel good” moment of the ReVival Era, watching Brandon Youngblood simultaneously beg for mercy while urinating in his white singlet was both embarrassing and liberating. Not just for Youngblood’s evacuating bowels, but also the symbolism of a great purge of the ugliness in PRIME. I encourage you to watch the match again. Watch it in slow motion. Catch every fearful tear from poor Brandon. It’s wonderful serving of well-deserved humble pie.
Brandon Youngblood is a mere shell of a man. Why, I even challenged him to a match on Jabber once and he logged off, as they say, “Fast and quick and in much of a hurry.”
Did I ever mention I’m a former world champion? Anyway…
ReVival Match of the Year
An Unprecedented Five-Way Tie:
Ivan Stanislav vs. Cancer Jiles 1/27/23 – Former Universal Champion Cancer Jiles Destroyed
Ivan Stanislav vs. Nova 5/5/2023 – PRIME Hall of Famer Nova Decimated
Ivan Stanislav vs. JCH 6/16/23 – Tropical Tournament Contender JCH Terrorized
Ivan Stanislav vs. Eddie Cross 7/28/23 – Eddie Cross Deleted
Ivan Stanislav / Paxton Ray vs. Brandon Youngblood / TAL 9/8/23 – Youngblood Disarmed (get it?) and TAL Purged
I do not know how this possibly happened, but there was a five way tie for all of Ivan Stanislav’s ReVival matches! Truly! But again, well warranted. Look at that list above and relive the tremendous work Ivan has done during ReVival telecasts. As prolific as these matches are on their own, when you consider all of Ivan’s tremendous Pay-Per-View bouts as well, the body of work is beyond laudable.
Moment of the Year
Ivan Stanislav winning the Universal Championship at UltraViolence 2023
It is considered one of the most historic moments in professional wrestling. I have heard rumblings that a documentary movie is in the works. Poems have been written. Rousing tales have been told. This may go down as one of the greatest moments in history.
Did you know Ivan has become the most popular baby name once again? It’s true! It jumped from #26 to #1 not the day after Ivan’s rousing win.
Shock of the Year
Alexei Ruslan’s trumped up arrest and Lindsay Troy’s failure to intervene in a terrible dereliction of duty.
Truly a low point in our sport. Abuse of power. Trumped up charges. Negligence by management. I can’t and won’t write more about it. Just sad. But like the one song says “This is America.”
Bi-Weekly Article of the Year
This is a story of hard work paying off, and I am thankful for all of the votes. It warms my already bursting heart to know that my words can reach so many and serve as a moment of respite in an otherwise busy day. Thank you. And of course always, always Think Red!
Rookie of the Year
Comrade Pleasant may have a more storied career overseas and elsewhere, but in PRIME he is considered a “rookie,” which is not a bad thing. One cannot ignore the fact that each and every time Arthur steps into the ring, he shows us not just a clinic when it comes to fair play but also raw sportsmanship. Truly, Arthur is a gentleman’s wrestler and is just another important aspect of The Red Army’s dominance.
Technical Wrestler of the Year
It cannot be denied the absolutely scintillating technical prowess of Randall Schwartz in a wrestling ring. It is like watching a lithe cat pounce upon an unsuspecting mouse. The Schwartz Specials is easily the most devastating roll up maneuver I have ever seen.
Second Most Terrifying Wrestler on the PRIME Roster Behind Ivan Stanislav
Meek and mild mannered Kenny Freeman turns into an absolute beast in the wrestling ring. It shows the true poise and determination of a man hell bent on delivering retribution to any enemy of The Red Army. Inspiring!
Revolutionary Defenders of Peace and Freedom of the Year
The Red Army
There truly is no other group in PRIME who has consistently served as an inspiring, positive presence for young and old alike. Despite all the chaos and consternation in PRIME, one can always lean upon the bedrock that is The Red Army. What an honor, a true honor, to be a part of such a positive force in wrestling. I recommend anyone who might be interested in joining our ranks to approach me immediately. And those who dare stand in our way? It’s your hospital stay.
Breakout Wrestler of the Year
Again, I almost didn’t allow this to be a final result, but I cannot deny the people their voices. So many naysayers tried to say that Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav was too old to compete. That he was too anachronistic. That he might have “lost a step” and yet, here we are, celebrating so many tremendous milestones. Dear Vanya, congratulations. Most deserved!
Wrestler Most Likely to be Given a Title without Earning It
Boy oh boy, this was a LANDSLIDE votes-wise. Gets into a match with nothing to lose, is given a stipulation heavily in his favor, and then the match is “ended” without any clear winner and yet he leaves with the belt? Congratulations on your theft, FLAMBERGE. I hope you can sleep at night or… hibernate or whatever it is you do. Weirdo.
Wrestler Most Likely to Attempt Vehicular Manslaughter Like a Coward Rather than Fighting like a Man
When you can’t win a fight like a man, you instead use a forklift. You know, I’m glad Jared Sykes doesn’t have children. Could you imagine how embarrassing this chapter would be in a legacy marred with black eyes and smudges?
Wrestler Most Likely To Hand A Wrestler Named After a Country His Ass and Send Him Into Oblivion
If you know, you know.
Tag Team Most Likely to Kill a Tag Division
Do you know a sign that you’re a horrible tag team? When you hold the titles and your entire division dies. Kudos to the winners!
Tag Team of the Year
The Masters of the Moscowverse
The Masters of the Moscowverse could have saved the tag division, and it’s near criminal they weren’t the champions. Just another sign of botched management and poor planning.
Wrestler Most Likely to Fail to Show to their Job at the Appropriate Time
Adam Ellis has a serious attendance problem in PRIME. And don’t you think we’ll forget it! I encourage you to come stop by backstage and check in with Ivan. I promise you he’ll knock your biological clock back in check, or stop it altogether.
Jabber Personality of the Year
Two Way Tie- @russianbear and @alexrusogpunkvdkgb
Jabber is so full of crass language, charlatans, and negative nancies. I’m proud to say Ivan and I tied in this category, and it is such an honor. Why, when we both took vacations from the platform for a few months the application and virtual community nearly collapsed. Thankfully, we were able to salvage it.
Wrestler Most Likely to Pretend to be the Father of Suplexes but Instead Gets Suplexed for Sport
Do you know who can’t vertical suplex Ivan Stanislav? Mr. “Suplex Daddy” Brandon Youngblood. Do you know who was Red Scared multiple times with ease? Brandon Youngblood. I think we once believed “Suplex Daddy” meant he was the father of delivering suplexes but honestly, I think it means he’s just so much better at taking them. This could have been named “Most Aerodynamic Wrestler” as well.
Wrestler Most Likely to Participate in the Almasy Invitational Tournament and Leave with Egg on his Face while also Losing a “Golden” Opportunity
You don’t wear those garish glasses because they’re cool. You wear them to hide your fear, Cancer Jiles. Looks like a golden opportunity slipped through your grimey fingers. Maybe next year you can fail a bit better?
Wrestler Most Likely to Start a Grease Fire Simply by Standing in the Sun
Bobby Dean is the epitome of a corpulent waste of space. He’s basically a biological hazard when subjected to heat or confined to small spaces. This blob is a menace.
Wrestler Most Likely to be an Accomplice to Vehicular Manslaughter Like a Coward Rather than Fighting like a Man Who Is Also Engaged to Someone Who’s Gonna Get What’s Coming to Him
It was cute, Justine. I hope you’re proud.
Wrestler Most Likely to Inspire Respect
No explanation required. Why, I bet you feel like you want to offer more respect right now just by considering it.
Wrestler Who I Have Said Would Lose in the Almasy Finals and Guess What? He Lost
I do so love being right. And I knew I would be. Sorry Cecilworth. Trust me, there’s no shame in a supposed “technical mastermind” being outwrestled by Jonathan-Christopher Hall. And to think, Ivan Stanislav defeated him with ease.
Wrestler to have Sired New Life Into This World And Owe It All to Ivan Stanislav
Did you know that Ivan Stanislav defeated Coral Avalon at Revival 18? I also have good information that Coral’s testicles were functionally dead and deflated until Ivan kicked him so hard in his thigh that it resumed blood flow to the little shriveled raisins. We expect a thank you card, Coral.
Have your wife send us one too.
Wrestler With The Worst Mustache (and far inferior to mine)
Ugh, it’s cut crookedly, it has dandruff in it (or drugs), and it is all askew. I’d say ask your grandad for tips on such things, Hayes, but I’m pretty sure he’s six feet under somewhere.
You once asked PRIME at the beginning of the year if they were ready for “Season 2.” Were you?
Don’t think so.
Wrestler Whose Name is Most Likely to Sound Like Someone Landing from The Red Scare
I don’t understand these naming conventions nowadays, but I have to say “Crash” Jackson certainly fits this category. Let us hope you never need to live it as well.
Wrestler Whose Initials Were Most Likely to Cause Ivan Stanislav to Laugh
I don’t want to get into the joke again. Ivan laughed for nearly an entire day last time. An. Entire. Day. Being named Wrestler X or whatever is a gift to us all.
Most Prickly Wrestler
There was this Russian song that was stolen by Americans back in the 80s. The lyrics said “Every Revolutionary Red Rose Has its Thorn…” A great piece of Soviet art shamelessly stolen by some no-name band in America. Anyway, Rose is an awfully protective sort, of both her friends and her family. I’m sure beneath that prickly veneer is a truly lovely person. Don’t take this as a dig, Rose, just an observation. I did enjoy watching you beat the stuffing out of TAL.
Wrestler Most Likely to Have Capitalist Tendencies and Yet We’ll Like Her
It is always a pleasure to speak with Anna Daniels. I’m glad she won this award and very well deserved. This truly shows how openness between capitalists and communists can really pave the way towards true friendship.
Also, Ms. Daniels, can you possibly purchase a new TV for us? Ivan played that Owl game of yours and accidentally shot out his TV with his old pistol from Afghanistan. The TV was an Elektronika BK-0010. Thank you in advance.
Wrestler with the Most Garish, Useless, and Overall Ugly Outfit
Cowboys: Cosplay for hobos. Next.
Wrestler Whose Last Name is Spelled in Such an Annoying Way It’s Near Impossible to Pronounce by English Speaking Russians
It’s annoying and not worth saying, Chandler. Shame on you. Your last name is an affront to Russian’s worldwide.
Wrestler who is Most Likely to Debate Someone Who is Very Obviously Right
I can only think this came about because Don Winters tried to debate me backstage at a ReVival recently. Amazing that such a category would be created because of this chance encounter, but Don must have really made a fool out of himself.
Wrestler Most Likely to Have a Substance Abuse Problem and Possibly a Problem with Faith
Just problem after problem, Rob. Just stay out of our way, or you’ll have a far worse problem.
Individual with the Best Judgment
Pedro “Speedy Riggs” Rodriguez
It is almost torture having Speedy see this roughshod officiating and amateurish adherence to the rules, and it brings a calm to me that so many people recognize this and would vote him as the recipient of this award.
Get this man a job as a referee. Now.
Wrestler Most Likely to Help Little Old Ladies Across the Street
Besides all of the members of The Red Army, I have to say that Paxton Ray is the nicest, most sincere, kind-hearted man in PRIME. And it is appalling that he is given such a bad shake by so many people who have jumped to conclusions regarding his character. I just want to say, Paxton, that we “get you” and the truth to who the man is beneath the frightening scowls, sneers, glares, glowers, and stares will win out.
Wrestlers Most Likely to Exist Without a Division and Thus are Leeches Who Shouldn’t Be in PRIME
Joe Fontaine and Sid Phillips
By a landslide victory, congratulations Glue Man Group.
Wrestler Most Likely to be a Trotskyist and Thus Show Poor Judgement
The Anglo Luchador
There were a lot of different, close candidates for this category, but The Anglo Luchador, poor decision maker extraordinaire, won by a narrow margin.
Wrestler With The Prettiest Manager
No contest. I was still a close second, I admit, but Jonathan-Christopher Hall has a true showstopper of a manager in Vickie Hall. Congratulations Vickie!
Wrestler Most Likely To Become Extinct If He Keeps Making Half-Assed “News” Articles
Rocky de Leon
Keep it up and you’ll skree your last skree, Rock-ee.
Wrestler Who Doesn’t Realize No One Sits With Him Not Because Of His Perceived Superiority, But Because He’s a Jerk
This category really seemed specific, and I wasn’t sure if anyone would garner enough votes, but Kerry most certainly did. He needs an attitude adjustment, and his sense of style is beyond the pale. Might I suggest brown overcoats? I’ve worn them for years and look at me!
Wrestler Most Likely to Not Have a Chip on his Shoulder, but Definitely a Pig
No, the pig isn’t Savannah Scandal, but I believe it’s name is “Oinkers” or something like that? What happens when it becomes a full grown pig? Nate Colton lacks a functioning spine on the best of days.
Most Annoying Child
Two Way Tie:
Ami and Kaz Troy
Somehow, I feel the two rugrats will celebrate this award…
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Vickie Hall must absolutely have some Russian heritage, because her beauty is like that of the virgin Siberian snow. Many people find it strange that our two groups might get along so well, and it is a sad commentary on American culture in general.
Just give love and receive it in turn. I think everyone should really try to just sit with Vickie Hall and truly listen to her for about fifteen minutes. It is quite the experience.
Wrestler Most Likely to Have a Persistent Cloud of Mind-Altering Smoke Being Left in his Wake
Pretty sure I nearly got a contact high being in the same building as Sage Pontiff. Thankfully my fantastic mustache and ironclad constitution kept me safe.
Wrestler Who Certainly Couldn’t Get Alexei Ruslan Back on Jabber
Maximillian Wilhelm Kael
Is this the same guy? I don’t even know. And I don’t really want to know.
Wrestler Most Likely to be Grinning on the Outside but Crying on the Inside
Let’s face it, if anyone was as small and impotent as Tony Gamble, they’d probably try to carve a permanent grin on their face to try to hide the soul-crushing sadness too.
Wrestler Most Likely to Not Understand the Concept of “The Ends Justify the Means”
It really sounds like you complained to Rose after Arthur Pleasant obliterated Rocky’s balls at ReVival 40. Meanwhile you were sucking wind on your back. I thought you were a more seasoned wrestler, David, but I suppose not. This is a war, and the ends justifies the means. Don’t care so much about wins and losses, but instead focus on the screams of Rocky de Leon as his testicles were liquified for even daring to step into the ring with yourself and Arthur Pleasant.
Or ask Rose. She seems to be the brains between the two of you…
Wrestler With the Winningest Smile
You don’t have a winning smile simply because you have razor sharp teeth. Yes, it helps, but you get that sort of smile because you’re living a wonderful life. Arthur Pleasant is a consistent bright light on any possibly cloudy day, and I strongly recommend anyone spend time with him.
Owner of a Federation Most Likely to Disagree with Ivan Stanislav Even Though Ivan Stanislav is Consistently Correct
You have to wonder how someone got to such lofty heights in PRIME when they consistently make such bad judgment calls and make such blatantly wrong assumptions of character? It really is a shame, but I guess not only is no one perfect, some are just fundamentally flawed. We still hold hope out for you, Lindsay.
Manager of the Year
I almost refused to allow this to be placed on the list, because I was afraid someone might think that these results weren’t truthful. However, it goes against my communist sensibilities to deny recognition of hard work. I am honored to be the Manager of the Year for the Crimson Capstones, and I can only promise to continue to serve as a model for all.
Wrestler of the Year
Ivan Sergeiovich Stanislav
By unanimous landslide, Ivan Stanislav was voted as the Wrestler of the Year, and I have to say I cannot say I am surprised. Ivan has simply excelled in every and all aspects of wrestling this year. He is masterful on the microphone, he is amazing in the ring, and he is also considered one of the most handsome members of the roster.
Did you know while Ivan was Universal Champion, PRIME viewership increased by over 50%? It is true. And requests for guest appearances also skyrocketed. One can only draw the logical conclusion that it was all thanks to such an amazing man.
Thank you Ivan, for being you, and sincere congratulations.
Congratulations to all the winners! I hope you all are so proud of your recognition for your famous, or infamous, contributions to PRIME! If anyone has any constructive feedback in regards to this completely unbiased event, please don’t hesitate to ask.
If anyone has feedback that is not constructive, you can pound salt.
Happy New Year if you deserve it.