Welcome to Clash of Aces, which might be the very best time to Bang!
It’s the biggest show of the year for Bang! Pro Wrestling, with every championship on the line tonight! Even the Bang! All Day Championship, which is definitely not in Belgium any more!
JANUARY 4th, 2024: BANG! PRO WRESTLING PRESENTS CLASH OF ACES 12 IN TOKYO!
- The Bang! All Day Ranbo: The Fabulous Gold Mask wins the Bang! All Day Championship, last eliminating Roosevelt Black @ 21:26
- Vae Victis (Lindsay Troy & Henry Keyes) def. The Fabulous Hentai Brothers (Michael & Matthew) @ 1:52 by pinfall after a Coin (Kamigoye, done twice) from Keyes to Matthew
- RIA & Kohime Mori def. Los Rebeldes del Bien (Pedro Gonzales & Persona non Grata) @ 8:53 by pinfall after an Astrojunk (Molly-Go-Round) from RIA to PnG
- The Colton Family (Nate Colton, Jenny Colton, Benny Colton & Denny Colton) def. The Hasegawa Twins (Ayame & Chiyo Hasegawa) & the Kazuyagumi (“Ace of Hearts” Kazuya Fukumaru & “RED” Ryota Saijo) @ 10:06 by pinfall after a Colton Clutch Suplex (cobra clutch suplex) from Nate Colton to Saijo
- Circe def. “Diamond” Daisuke Hashiwara @ 12:51 by submission with a rolling kneebar
- Bang! With Your Friends Championship: The Oregon Yakuza (Maverick Martinez, Derringer Dragunov & Remington Rosencrantz) © and KING (Cory Kensington, Jamaal Ingram & Rose) ends in a double countout @ 9:01 after both teams spend too much time brawling on the outside; the Oregon Yakuza retain the Bang! With Your Friends Championships
- “The Legend” Rob Williams def. “Lunch Lawyer” Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. @ 8:06 by pinfall after the Old Time Rock and Roll (DDT swung into a Diamond Cutter)
- Bang! With Your Partner Championship, Surprise Ladder Match Scramble!: The Crownless Kingdom (Powerslam Anubis & Ignacio el Jaguar) def. The Glue Man Group (Joe Fontaine & Sid Phillips) ©, Ian & Connor Nackedy and No Laughing Matter (Frank Pastore & Domingo Cruz) @ 15:05 after Ignacio retrieves the titles to win the championships!
- Bang! Hardweight Championship, Happy New Year [REDACTED]land Kaiju Deathmatch: MAGNUS DESTRUCTO def. The Generalissimo ©, “The Godslayer” Akira Hanazawa, Clay Byrd, “The Devil of Delaware” Duke Easton & RAIKO @ 25:09 after the Destructo-Bomb (inverted crucifix piledriver) on Easton to win the championship!
- Eminence (Jared Sykes & Justine Calvin) def. DESTROY IT ALL (“Grim Face” Ichiro Kuwayama & EIJI) @ 19:06 by pinfall after Omega-3 (Impact Driver) from Sykes to Kuwayama
- Bang! Conception Championship: “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa © def. Pom Shinjoku @ 21:26 with the Joker’s Wild (Canadian backbreaker rack rolled into a knee strike) to retain the title!
- Bang! World Openweight Championship: “Hawkeye” Taka Sakuragi def. Claire Merci © @ 33:56 by pinfall after the Iron Sight (Kamigoye) to win the championship!
First of all, please welcome Melvin Beauregard and Greg Parker to the English commentary desk! Parker is, of course, the legendary play-by-play caller for the Internet Wrestling Organization and the Squared Circle, and he’s come out of retirement to call the action here tonight!
Melvin’s there, too, I guess.
THE BANG! ALL DAY RAMBO
What better way to begin Bang!ing than with the Bang! All Day Ranbo! Over twenty men, women, and whatever competing for the prestige of becoming the Bang! All Day Champion by the end! The first participant of this match turned out to be none other than Curtis Alexander Brown, a member of the Ironhearts and an alumnus of the Gates of Avalon Wrestling School. And when the second turned out to be Roosevelt Black from the Gray’s Academy school (under new management, so I’ve heard), we knew we were in for a wild one!
It only got wilder once fan favorite Strong Antonio the Paperboy came rolling in on his bicycle, throwing new editions of the Strong Times into the crowd! Once he got into the ring, he went to work displaying his power against both Black and Brown! At one point, he caught Black in a giant swing, and then lifted up Brown for a simultaneous giant swing and airplane spin on both men!
Next up was KING’s David Noble, who went right to work spoiling everyone’s fun by going straight for Strong Antonio and putting the boots to him. The Noble Ending would then end Antonio’s night to the anger of the crowd. Noble then found himself in a situation where neither CAB nor the President were all that enthused with his interference, and was on his back foot for a while before the next participant rolled in. That man was Jackson Cooley, courtesy of High Octane Wrestling, who immediately smashed Noble with a high knee and took down Brown and Black with a pair of Death Valley Drivers. Cooley concentrated on trying to throw out Brown, but Brown fought him off long enough for the next participant to come to the ring.
Smoke filled the entryway and everything else as a masked man emitting smoke entered the ring. Melvin Beauregard on English commentary excitedly called him by his name: El Hijo del Dusk Jr.
Wait. I thought Dusk’s kid was later tonight?
Well, anyway, this smoke man hit Cooley with a superkick and then gave more superkicks to the other men! A superkick celebration! However, when he tried to do this with David Noble, Noble caught him by the boot and glared at him so hard that all of the smoke stopped coming out of his body, and then Noble beat the holy crap out of him. A Noble Ending soon followed, and El Hijo del Dusk Jr. was out of this match.
What a shame!
As the ring crew came into the ring with spatulas to peel El Hijo del Dusk Jr. off of the mat, a familiar song hit the PA system. It went a little something like this:
That’s right, it’s “Shark at the Devil”, and that could only mean that Lord Kurosame-sama has arrived! The King of Shark Style entered the ring with a lot of flair – and also, he brought a kendo stick. That part’s important, too. He started hitting people with said stick, shouting “SHARK!” each time he did it. This continued until the next opponent came out, and this one was truly mysterious.
The Tatterdemalion came out in their scarecrow duds, flanked by a flock of butterfly-themed mysterious birdmen! Were they a new member of the Monster Menagerie, or were these a different, unrelated flock of mysterious birdmen? Either way, the Tatterdemalion drifted into the ring and sort of vibed. One could say he was standing as still as a scarecrow! Lord Kurosame-sama took the bait and charged at the Scarecrow Submissionist, only to get caught up in a terrifying-looking submission and forced to submit!
From here, it was a five-way melee up until the arrival the next participant in the contest – the Ace of Clubs himself, Haruki Kazano! The Samurai of Tokushima clubbed a lot of men and scarecrow butterflies with lariats. However, he was mobbed by several other participants and couldn’t eliminate anyone before the arrival of the next combatant!
And you knew who it was because the stage was bathed in a red light, and Slayer’s “Raining Blood” echoed throughout the building! Yes! It’s the one and the only Crimson Miracle Bloody-Blood Death Homicycle! And everyone knows that where there’s a Homicycle, there’s Rory Hayes in his hippo mask to accompany it! So, I guess we technically have two entries! Is this legal? Is this allowed! Who cares! There’s a bicycle!
And that bicycle was hurled mercilessly at Tatterdemalion, who was eliminated after they were knocked over the top rope and to the floor from the impact of a Homicycle to the face! Hayes entered the ring and threw haymakers every which way, and when David Noble challenged him, he was also beaten up by the Homicycle! Somehow! We’re not sure how this all works, but I stopped asking questions after the Homicycle became a man’s son a whole year ago!
The lights went out after Hayes set the Homicycle up on one side of the ring and then speared Cooley through the ropes and to the floor – not eliminating either.
Then the lights went out.
When they came back on, everyone went ballistic at the confrontation that ensued.
On one side of the ring, it’s the Homicycle.
And on the other side of the ring… it’s a vending machine.
One with a lizard mascot on it.
Yes, folks. IT’S VENDBERGE!
Every man in that ring stopped what they were doing, bewildered at what they were seeing. For some, it was in anticipation of the battle that was to come. For others – especially Black, Cooley, and Noble – they were questioning how the hell a whole-ass vending machine got into the ring! Either way, this epic staredown had the whole ring buzzing! And then, somehow, they clashed!
No, I don’t know how. It could be that someone threw the Homicycle at VENDBERGE, or that someone wheeled VENDBERGE towards the Homicycle. Either way, the two most powerful inanimate entities in all of professional wrestling clashed, and the whole building shook!
Curtis Alexander Brown took one look at what just happened and said, “nah, I’m out”. He outright eliminated himself and walked to the back in sheer disgust! When Randall Schwartz came out, he made the conscious decision to not get in the ring with those two monsters! Unfortunately, he wouldn’t have much of a choice, as the next participant was newcomer Jeremiah Saint! He grabbed Schwartz from behind and threw him into the ring, and what happened next was very unspeakable but it ended with Schwartz being thrown from the ring and eliminated!
Eventually, the human participants decided that VENDBERGE had to go. Noble, Black, Cooley, Kazano, Hayes, and Saint all teamed up to tip VENDBERGE over the top rope and to the floor! Strangely, VENDBERGE landed on what passed for its feet, but there were so many highballs deposited out of its “mouth”! Such that when Cooley took advantage of the situation and eliminated Hayes with a rollup, Hayes went over to VENDBERGE before it could be wheeled away by officials in order to pick up an armful of them! He’ll have a great time tonight, folks!
In fact, when Junpei Tsukioka of DESTROY IT ALL walked out, he just grabbed his own highball and then turned around and left! I guess he was supposed to be in this match, and then thought better of it?
The next one out was BULLETPROOF Kitaro, who stormed in and started bowling people over with his great size. Then, as he’s roaring at the sky after having obliterated all that stood before him, the next participant walked out.
He was an ewok.
Okay, so it’s actually Mestizo representing Los Rebeldes del Bien, but y’know. The little feral monster immediately attacked David Noble, who went down yelling as he was assaulted by the unidentifiable creature. Kitaro pulled him off, only to get scratched and clawed to the ground. While all this was going on, Roosevelt Black landed a springboard crossbody into a crowd of Jeremiah Saint, Haruki Kazano, and Jackson Cooley!
It got even better for Black when his tag team partner, Tani Albright, was the next participant to get into the ring. With Albright’s assistance, they were able to get the big man Kitaro out of the ring and eliminate him! Black and Albright next worked together to deal with David Noble, but Noble escaped to the outside under the bottom rope to avoid being eliminated.
As Black and Albright gave chase, the next participant quietly climbed up to the top rope. When Noble fled back into the ring, Albright was taken out by La Muerte Roja’s Del Cielo al Infierno and eliminated! Roja slid out of the ring before Black could take any kind of revenge, and Black was attacked by David Noble and beaten in the corner. Roja joined in on the beating, only for the crafty Noble to roll him up for a near fall!
Meanwhile, Mestizo was biting Jeremiah Saint. I hope he had his shots.
The next participant was none other than the mysterious Fabulous Gold Mask, who entered the ring and proceeded to hit Jackson Cooley with a wicked lariat and toss him from the ring to eliminate him! The man in the golden mask then had a staredown with the Homicycle, which was followed by the Homicycle lunging for him! “Fabby”, as I’ve been told he’s also called, falls to the ground screaming from bicycle-related pain, but somehow avoids elimination long enough for backup to arrive!
Well, okay, this backup wasn’t exactly a big fan of his – it was Kenny Freeman, the current Bang! All-Day Champion! Freeman was a little reluctant to get in there and do battle, stalling outside of the ring and refusing to get in there to defend his championship. This lasted until Haruki Kazano threw him into the ring unceremoniously, whereupon Freeman was knocked around like a pinball by a lot of mans punching him. He was also tackled by Mestizo, whom I think was trying to eat him, so that’s not very good.
Next up was Lance Castle, a standout at the Belmont Classic and a student of the Gates of Avalon Wrestling School, who springboarded into the ring and took down La Muerte Roja with a hurricanrana! Jeremiah Saint went for a big lariat, but Castle flipped over it and caught Saint with a Fujiwara armbar that forced Saint to submit!
Castle didn’t get time to celebrate, though, as the final entrant made his way to the ring to a huge ovation from the crowd…
Hank walked into the ring, and David Noble was sent flying to the floor effortlessly by the big man! Mestizo tried to attack him like the feral animal he was, but Hank shook him off like he was a big ‘ol Swiftie and sent him flying out of the ring on top of Noble! Noble was then chased to the back by Mestizo as though Mestizo was a rabid animal. Which… he probably is, let’s be honest.
Hank then turned and saw something terrible staring at him – the Crimson Miracle Bloody-Blood Death Homicycle. At least… I think it was staring at him? After a long pause, during which Hank knocked down Freeman and Castle with casual headbutts, Hank walked over to the Homicycle and… gently took it over the top rope and to the floor. Which, I guess, finally eliminated the Homicycle!
Hank then turned into Roja attempting his Del Cielo al Infierno, but Hank knocked him out of the air with a wicked lariat and then tossed him from the ring!
It was then that Hank met his match in Haruki Kazano, the Ace of Clubs, who managed to actually stun the big man with his massive forearms. Unfortunately for him, after he managed to knock Hank over the top rope and to the floor (to the vocal disappointment of the Japanese crowd), he was immediately dumped out by Fabby!
That left a final four of Fabby, Roosevelt Black, Lance Castle, and the Bang! All Day Champion himself, Kenny Freeman! Fabby and Freeman brawled on one side of the ring while Roosevelt Black and Lance Castle paired off on the other side of the ring. Eventually, Freeman ejected Fabby through the ropes and then went after Black and Castle and tried to dump both of them over the top rope and to the floor at the same time! But Black turned the tables on him and dumped him out of the ring alongside Castle!
He celebrated like he might have won this thing… and then Fabby slid back into the ring, hit him with a lariat so hard that he nearly landed on his head, and pinned him to secure the Bang! All Day Championship!
VAE VICTIS vs. THE FABULOUS HENTAI BROTHERS
Well, folks. If you’ve ever wanted to see a pro wrestling equivalent of a homicide, look no further than this one! Vae Victis’ entrance might have actually been longer than the match itself!
In any case, this one was over the instant the Hentais decided to try their usual antics before the bell rang, challenging Lindsay Troy and Henry Keyes to a rock-paper-scissors contest. Turns out, the option that defeats all of those is the BELL CLAP. Or maybe it was over as soon as it was booked as a tune-up match for the 2023 Flynn Cup winners?
Lindsay Troy spent much of the match stomping Michael into the dirt in one corner, while Henry Keyes beat Matthew like he owed him money. What kind of money does a sky pirate need, anyway? Are there Sky Bucks? In any case, after LT dropped Michael with Thy Kingdom Come, Keyes popped Matthew with a pair of Coins to put this one on ice. And probably giving Matthew need to have ice on his face for the next month or so.
LOS REBELDES DEL DIEN vs. RIA & KOHIME MORI
Good news! This was much less of the pro wrestling equivalent of a homicide!
Mestizo was back at ringside, and the little ewok monstrosity was used early on by the zombie and his masked buddy, flung through the air majestically at both RIA and Kohime Mori! Mori seemed almost reluctant to deal with Mestizo, but then RIA brought out the forks and there was a good old quality ewok stabbing!
Don’t worry, folks! He can take it.
Mori found herself in trouble early on outside of the Mestizo bits, with Pedro Gonzales and Persona non Grata working her over. Occasionally, one of them would distract referee “Soft Hands” Tsukuji while the other would sic Mestizo on her. Eventually, Mori made the tag to RIA who proceeded to beat the hell out of Gonzales while evading the much bigger PNG’s attempts to intervene. Los Rebeldes nearly stole the match when Mestizo got involved again to distract both RIA and referee Tsukuji, and PNG landed a German suplex for a narrow near fall. However, Mori would come in With Sprinkles! Which is to say she dumped Gonzales on his undead head (unhead?) with a sheer drop exploder. This gave RIA the opportunity to land Astrojunk on Persona non Grata to pick up the win!
A crack team of men with nets appeared after the match attempting to capture Mestizo. These men were actually members of the Monster Menagerie, led by Lord Kurosame-sama. I say “attempted” because it went hilariously poorly the moment Mori saw Lord Kurosame-sama and gave the King of Shark Style a massive hug!
Mestizo escaped and, as of this writing, is still at large.
Please be careful out there!
THE COLTON FAMILY vs. THE HASEGAWA TWINS & THE KAZUYAGUMI
The Hasegawa Twins, students of Pom Shinjoku, came out alongside Pom’s Kazuyagumi stablemates for this rapid contest against the Colton Family of Nate, Benny, Denny, and Jenny. Whatever pre-match jitters that the Twins might have had went away quickly once they got in the ring, as the eight men and women paired off at different points, culminating in Nate Colton going one-on-one with the Ace of Hearts himself – Kazuya Fukumaru.
Kazuya and Nate spent the next two minutes beating the unholy heck out of one another. Elbows and punches and kicks and knees and all the other funny limb words. While Fukumaru is clearly at the twilight of his career, his stood up against his much younger opponent and put him on his back foot. Eventually, though, Nate knocked Fukumaru from the ring and all hell broke loose with all eight wrestlers fighting each other in a big Kazuyagumi-style pier six brawl that referee “Hot Pants” Shiraishi had no hope of ever controlling!
The Twins got in some high-flying dives on the Coltons, and “RED” Ryota Saijo followed up with one of his own. Eventually, Fukumaru tagged out to Saijo, who got in plenty of offense against Benny and Denny. Then he ran into Jenny and got brought down with a German suplex! In fact, all four on the Kazuyagumi side entered the ring and took simultaneous German suplexes!
After Jenny landed an Exploder suplex on Saijo, Nate Colton put him in the Colton Clutch Suplex and the Coltons have emerged victorious in their first outing in Japan together!
CIRCE vs. “DIAMOND” DAISUKE HASHIWARA
The masked Circe, not long after she made a surprise run through the 2023 Terminus Complex all the way until the finals, took on longtime Bang! stalwart “Diamond” Daisuke Hashiwara in one-on-one action!
The two were matched up fairly evenly at first, with Circe striking away at Hashiwara while the Ace of Diamonds fought back with his usual rugged offense. The match turned on its head quickly when Hashiwara landed the Diamond Cutter early in the contest, and it was only because Circe reflexively rolled out of the ring that she avoided losing the match outright!
The Bruiser from Shibuya went after Circe on the outside and tossed her back in, but his attempt to end things with the Diamond Dust ended with Circe throwing him over her head and then kicking him in the back as he was landing, and that looked like it hurt! Circe controlled the match from here, working over Hashiwara’s leg for her rolling kneebar. Eventually, he fought back with a flurry of hobbled offense that culminated in a near-fall after a second Diamond Cutter!
Circe was stunned, and it looked like Daisuke would take it with the Diamond Dust, but Circe landed a Pele kick that set up a rolling kneebar off of the second ropes! Daisuke was stuck as Circe tried to maneuver herself in a position where he couldn’t make it to the ropes, and after a short and agonizing wait, he was forced to tap out!
After the match, Circe spoke to no reporters and refused to leave any comments. She did, however, give quite the death glare at one English reporter when they asked her if she was intending to watch tonight’s main event.
BANG! WITH YOUR FRIENDS CHAMPIONSHIP
THE OREGON YAKUZA © vs. KING
The Oregon Yakuza won their fifth Bang! With Your Friends championships this past November when they defeated DESTROY IT ALL on the last night of the Terminus Complex, and while all other members of DIA were occupied with their other bookings… that didn’t mean that the team of Maverick Martinez, Derringer Dragunov, and Remington Rosencrantz were taking the night off! No, they were about to take aim at KING. Would they miss?
Folks, this one was a donnybrook from the jump. Almost as soon as the bell rang, all six participants rushed each other and went at it! Unfortunately for KING, one side had the 6’6” and 284 pound Remington Rosencrantz, and it wasn’t them. Kensington and Ingram were immediately sent to the outside. Then the “Don” of the Oregon Yakuza, Maverick Martinez, dove out after them! Dragunov and Rose exchanged vicious strikes with one another until they took things outside as well!
This turned into a huge brawl on the outside as both teams resorted to underhanded tactics to pull ahead. Chairs, kendo sticks, anything that wasn’t nailed down was on the table! Referee Ryuunosuke Doi is no stranger to letting things get a little out of hand in his matches, but it turns out that there happens to be a limit to how out of hand he’d allow things to go.
The five men and one woman spent so much time brawling on the outside that Doi felt compelled to start up the twenty count, and neither team came back to the ring in time, with the match ending in a double countout!
The brawling kept going well after the bell rang, with officials and even some of the participants from the battle royale earlier breaking it up. Rose yelled bloody murder at the whole Oregon Yakuza before David Noble and the rest of KING came to escort her to the back, and Maverick Martinez – who was busted open in the whole fracas – vowed revenge!
While it wasn’t exactly the sort of result anyone wanted in this contest, it’s very clear that the Oregon Yakuza (who are still the champions as a result of the no contest) and KING have made enemies of each other tonight!
“THE LEGEND” ROB WILLIAMS vs. LORD GAVIN YUM, ESQ.
For this one, you had the Crownless Kingdom’s hapless Lunch Lawyer, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq., who has fallen into quite the rut since losing the Bang! With Your Friends championships in August! And then you had “the Legend” Rob Williams, whose star has been on the rise since finding himself in PRIME!
Gavin cheated. It’s what Gavin did. He put Williams on his back foot with eye pokes and cheeky misdirection ploys. But this one never felt in doubt once Williams hit him with a gorilla press slam. A lariat and a piledriver set up a flying elbow drop that just about crushed his sternum! Gavin attempted to bail from the match, only to get thrown into the steel steps and tossed back into the ring.
After briefly begging off, Lord Yum tried to fight back with a low blow in full view of “Soft Hands” Tsukuji, but Williams caught the arm, booted him in the gut, and shut him down with the Old Time Rock and Roll to pick up the win!
In a post-match interview after the match, a despondent Lord Yum was seen ignoring reporters, finding a locker, and huddling inside of it.
BANG! WITH YOUR PARTNER CHAMPIONSHIP
SURPRISE LADDER SCRAMBLE!
THE GLUE MAN GROUP © vs. THE CROWNLESS KINGDOM vs. NO LAUGHING MATTER vs. CONNOR & IAN NACKEDY
Four teams were about to do battle for the Bang! With Your Partner championships, but… surprise! It’s a ladder scramble! You know it’s a surprise when it’s right there in the title of the match!
The Glue Man Group have held the titles since defeating the New World Trash in Mexico City back when they were still the Winds of Change. However, they have only defended the belts in Japan once against No Laughing Matter, who won the Celestial Dragon Tag League this year. All of their other title defenses happened in their home state of Arizona against far lesser competition, forcing Inoue Doi to make this match as difficult for the Glues as possible!
Two teams with considerably large axes to grind with the Glues are the Crownless Kingdom and No Laughing Matter. The team of Powerslam Anubis and Ignacio el Jaguar are the only team in 2023 outside of Eminence to actually score a victory over the Glue Man Group. Meanwhile, No Laughing Matter won the Celestial Dragon Tag League, but fell victim to the Glues’ unmitigated shenanigans and cheating when they challenged the Glues for the titles!
The introduction of the uncle/nephew team of Ian and Connor Nackedy was certainly an unexpected wrinkle on the situation, though! Ian Nackedy had just broken up with his longtime tag team partner, Gildenstern, during last year’s Flynn Cup. In order to continue as a dominant tag team force, Ian turned to his nephew who was fresh off of winning the 2023 Belmont Classic!
And then… surprise! Ladder match!
Who could have seen that coming?
It was chaos from the jump, of course. Frank Pastore and Sid Phillips immediately fought to the outside, exchanging attempts to powerbomb one another. Joe Fontaine hit his dabbing shining wizard on Ian Nackedy early, only to get superkicked to heck by Ignacio! Powerslam Anubis was a wrecking ball hitting everything he could touch with… well, powerslams!
The first big moment came when Ignacio tried to reach the belts first, only for Domingo Cruz to meet him. After exchanging punches with one another, Cruz ended up in the tree of woe on the ladder! And then, while Ignacio was still standing on it, Joe Fontaine came in and tipped the damn thing over, sending Ignacio out of the ring and tangling Domingo up in the ladder on the way down! So, that was pretty scary! Good thing they were both okay!
More crazy things happened. Pastore and Phillips continued to fight all over the place, before Phillips actually managed to powerbomb the big man into the bleachers! Ouch! Joe Fontaine performed a double springboard crossbody on Powerslam Anubis, only for the Judgement King to catch him in midair and… well. You know. It’s in his name. Then, when Anubis made his climb to the top of the ladder, Connor Nackedy somehow caught him with a Rhine Rewind off of the ladder! That is not a small man to be doing that to!
Then, as Connor was lying on the ground after that move, the kaiju big battle between Frank Pastore and Sid Phillips reentered the ring, leading to Pastore getting powerbombs on top of Connor! OUCH.
Then Ian Nackedy came into the ring to take down Phillips with the Don’t You Dare Make Fun of My Funny Sounding Last Name or I Will Drive You into the Mat like I Just Did. Meanwhile, Hank had been steadily making a pyramid of tables on the outside, and it’s pretty likely he just did that for funsies considering how much Dirk Dickwood complained about it. Ian Nackedy climbed up to try and get the titles, but he was stopped by someone not even participating in the match – the Fabulous Gold Mask!
The new Bang! All Day Champion yanked Ian Nackedy off of the ladder and delivered a thunderous lariat that turned him inside out! Fans were not happy to see the outside interference, but then Frank Pastore came back into the ring and blasted the Bang! All Day Champion with a ladder! With the ladder on top of Fabby, the referee counted three and now the ladder was the new Bang! All Day Champion!
Celebrations all around!
Wait, why did we even do the Ranbo if something like that could happen?
Who cares! It’s Bang!
Anyway, Sid intercepted Pastore and tried to powerbomb the big man through the pyramid of tables set up by Hank, but Domingo Cruz limped over to the new champion and threw it at Sid! Pastore went to follow up, but he was intercepted by Anubis and hit the concrete hard off of the Scales of Dominion!
But with Cruz still in the ring and setting up the new Bang! All Day Champion underneath the tag team championships, it looked like No Laughing Matter was about to win the championships denied to them in August. But that’s when Ignacio el Jaguar and Joe Fontaine both teamed up to put a stop to that! Fontaine leapt across ladders to land the Fontaine of Youth, and then Jaguar brought him down with a Sacramento Necktie!
Both were then intercepted by the Nackedys, who displayed tandem offense in taking out both men. Now it looked like Ian Nackedy was going to win the titles for his team while Connor held off Powerslam Anubis, but Anubis pushed Connor into the ladder, which sent Ian who went flying through the tables stacked on the outside! That’s when Joe Fontaine returned with a steel chair and blasted both Connor Nackedy and Powerslam Anubis, then did the same to Cruz and Pastore! Several times in a row, in the latter’s case! With seemingly no one left, Joe Fontaine climbed up the ladder to retrieve his championships.
And then Ignacio el Jaguar springboarded onto the scene and landed on the ladder opposite of Fontaine! The two fought on top of the ladder for a time, but Fontaine had the edge and also he managed to punch Ignacio in the, um… I’ll use the scientific term here and say the “wee-wee”. Yeah. Joe was about to climb up and retrieve the titles, but he’s stopped by none other than the Judgement King, Powerslam Anubis! Despite being bloodied from the chairshot, Anubis yanked Joe by the foot off of the ladder and straight into the Scales of Dominion! Then Anubis, all 6’10” and 300 pounds of him, flew over the top rope and into a crowd of Connor Nackedy, No Laughing Matter, and Sid Phillips with a tope con hilo!
With no one left to stop him, Ignacio climbed up and retrieved the Bang! With Your Partner championships for the Crownless Kingdom! It’s both Anubis and Ignacio’s first championships in Bang! Pro Wrestling! In Ignacio’s case, it’s his first championship anywhere!
The entire Glue faction were all irate by this turn of events, but Ignacio and Anubis bailed out of the ring before they could do anything about this turn of events! Connor Nackedy spent some time helping his uncle recover from his crash to the outside before helping him to the back. And No Laughing Matter spent time throwing things around angrily at once again coming up short for the Partners championships.
In the ring, Dirk Dickwood takes one look around and then calls over a referee to count him pinning the ladder, becoming the Bang! All Day Champion in the process! Why did this happen? Who cares! It’s Bang!
BANG! HARDWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
HAPPY NEW YEAR [REDACTED]LAND KAIJU DEATHMATCH
THE GENERALISSIMO © vs. MAGNUS DESTRUCTO vs. CLAY BYRD vs. “THE GODSLAYER” AKIRA HANAZAWA vs. “THE DEVIL OF DELAWARE” DUKE EASTON vs. RAIKO
Work with me here.
I’m just a simple gal, and I like three things: some funny fuzzy slippers to wear on a cold day, Bang! Pro Wrestling, and absolute nonsense. So, as of this moment, I have all these things! Truly a time to be alive.
This match doesn’t take place in Korakuen Hall like the rest of the Bang! show has so far. In fact, it takes place on the glorious island nation of [REDACTED]land! And you know it’s very secret because I’m not even allowed to say its full proper name in this recap! I’m pretty sure everyone in this match had to sign an NDA and had to arrive on the island blindfolded.
We caught glimpses of five individuals arriving on the island on a boat. Clay Byrd, the former two-time Bang! Hardweight champion looking for his first title with this company since 2015. “The Godslayer” Akira Hanazawa, whose run of dominance in his first year in Bang! was as legendary as his precipitous fall since losing to Coral Avalon in the finals of the 2021 Terminus Complex. “The Devil of Delaware” Duke Easton, whose star has risen since a strong performance in the TC-X and who has already made big challenges over the previous year. RAIKO, the one-eyed SHOOT Project stalwart and deathmatch queen. And MAGNUS DESTRUCTO, a presence so magnificent that I can’t help but type his name in all capital letters even if that’s not always how you’re supposed to type his name!
But there was one man who stood above all of them. No, literally. They built a big platform on [REDACTED]land where the leader of the country could address all who landed on the island in grandiose fashion from a great podium. That leader was the Generalissimo, also (formerly?) known as Garry “Ray-Ray” Nelson, the current Bang! Hardweight Champion. He made his great keynote speech, which I’m sure would have been lovely and interesting if it wasn’t for the fact that the stage was immediately rushed by five very angry professional wrestlers who all had an appetite for destruction!
So, uh… let’s explain this match real quick.
There’s a wrestling ring on this island, surrounded by all manner of bad things you don’t want near a wrestling ring. Like skyscraper models covered in barbed wire. Like the whole ring is surrounded by a city. Fun times! Anyway, a lone referee will stand there, waiting patiently for the five men and one woman to get there. But between this podium and the ring is a whole-ass jungle, and it’s full of many threats! Once you reach the ring, you’re declared legal for the match, where anything goes as long as the decision is rendered inside the ring! Once the first individual reaches the ring, the other participants only have seven minutes to join the match, or they’ll be disqualified from the contest! After those seven minutes, the first pinfall or submission wins the match!
Okay, that’s all very complicated, but that’s what happens when you sign up for the Happy New Year [REDACTED]land Kaiju Deathmatch! This was all Garry’s idea. I think. Could’ve been Lord Kurosame-sama’s, to be honest.
Anyway, the Generalissimo threw down a smoke bomb and escaped the scene along with a flock of mysterious birdmen. That is definitely a sentence I wrote and I’m very sorry about it. Once it became clear that the Generalissimo was already on his way to the ring, the other five participants entered the jungle. Actually, four. The Godslayer made a point to lariat Duke Easton before he went in. Because, y’know. He had to hit someone.
So, it turned out that the jungle wasn’t exactly a safe place to be. The Godslayer ran into a pitfall trap the moment he entered the jungle, and boy you could hear his cursing from mainland Japan. RAIKO had to fight off a horde of wild mysterious birdmen with a katana. Clay Byrd had a disagreement with an alligator. MAGNUS DESTRUCTO raged a lot, and mysterious birdmen were all sent flying. Duke Easton snuck around the jungle like he was the Predator. Fun times!
The first to emerge out of the jungle and into the ring was none other than the Generalissimo himself, flanked by an honor guard of very mysterious, very birdmen! The second to emerge was Clay Byrd, dragging an alligator behind him like he was ready to beat someone over the head with it! Which, uh. He did. He swung it horizontally and took out a whole line of very mysterious birdmen! That sound you heard might’ve been Pom Shinjoku being very excited about that.
Garry and Clay beat the holy crap out of each other for a solid minute or two once Clay Byrd entered the ring. There were slaps from Garry, only to be answered with big ‘ol meat tenderizers for hands from Byrd. Soon, they were joined by RAIKO, who may or may not have collected several mysterious bird heads and had fashioned them into a belt. She also might have misplaced her katana, don’t worry about it, she’ll get it back once the recovery team does a sweep through the area!
She entered the ring after collecting a lead pipe and proceeded to tee off on the Generalissimo and Byrd with the thing. Things got particularly hardcore when she managed to knock the big Texan off of the apron and into the unwelcoming embrace of a skyscraper of barbed wire!
Just when it looked like RAIKO might take the title from the Generalissimo, that’s when the fourth participant emerged from the jungle. It was MAGNUS DESTRUCTO, who also came out of the jungle with some severed birdman heads. He looked extremely pissed when he realized that RAIKO had the same exact idea as he did, vis-à-vis decapitations, and went after her. That’s when RAIKO introduced some light tubes to the proceedings, and made him pay for it.
Duke Easton, despite being the last to enter the jungle, was not the last to leave it. The Devil of Delaware snuck in while RAIKO was breaking glass all over MAGNUS, and nearly stole the match with a simple rollup! He threatened the East Rollercoaster on SHOOT Project’s one-eyed deathmatch specialist, but then he got slapped in the face by the Generalissimo so hard that Gary Gartholomew probably felt it in Delaware!
The mayhem continued unabated, with all five individuals battling it out. Time ticked down for Akira Hanazawa, whose late arrival threatened to keep him from continuing the match! But when he finally arrived, dragging another mysterious birdman behind him by an ankle (talon?), he made an immediate impact. All five participants experienced the Godslayer, and none of them particularly enjoyed it! It’s all of the suplexes and powerbombs into all of the skyscraper models that really made it a bad experience.
The Godslayer scooped up RAIKO for the Ragnarok Driver, but the Generalissimo slapped him and then landed the Blood on the Plow! RAIKO thanked him for his service with a big running knee! Then she caught the Texas Lariat from Clay Byrd! Easton came into the ring and hit Byrd with a huge spear, and looked like he was going to finish him with the East Rollercoaster, but that’s when MAGNUS DESTRUCTO showed up and hit him with a huge chokeslam!
This left Hanazawa with DESTRUCTO, and the two most threatening men in the match exchanged bombs and suplexes, with DESTRUCTO getting thrown around in a way that he really hadn’t before in his time in Bang! Pro Wrestling, but doing the same to Hanazawa! The Generalissimo and Clay Byrd both intervened and slugged away at the other two big men, but this led to Easton shoving both of them off of the apron and into a whole bunch of glass-filled model skyscrapers! Then RAIKO flew off of the top rope and into the pile for good measure!
As Easton celebrated getting rid of them, he turned and got scooped up by Hanazawa into the Ragnarok Driver! But before he could make the cover, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO hit him with a big boot, then picked the already-dead-from-being-Ragnaroked Easton and delivered the Destructo-Bomb… for the three count!
It’s MAGNUS DESTRUCTO’s first championship in Bang! Pro Wrestling, and he came onto this island full of mysterious birdmen and conquered and destroyed and did black metal things to become champion! Now he just needed to escape the island before a horde of angry, yet mysterious birdmen come at him for revenge for defeating the Generalissimo.
But, uh… that’s a story for another time, I guess, because the scene cut away!
Before the next dream match began, Dirk Dickwood was seen talking to reporters before he was approached by Lord Kurosame-sama. Over the course of the conversation, where one side just said “shark” and the other side got increasingly exasperated by the fact that this side only said “shark”, Dirk Dickwood decided he was giving up on the conversation. Unfortunately for him, this was overheard by a nearby referee, who awarded Lord Kurosame-sama with the Bang! All Day Championship by submission!
Dirk was… confused, to say the very least!
EMINENCE vs. DESTROY IT ALL
The four-man tandem known as DESTROY IT ALL have been ruthlessly making their mark in Bang! Pro Wrestling for most of the back half of 2023, but the team of “Grim Face” Ichiro Kuwayama and EIJI have been the group’s main tag team. They came close to winning the Celestial Dragon Tag League, and were two-thirds of the Bang! With Your Friends champions before the Oregon Yakuza cheated their way into the belts this past November.
But this young, up-and-coming team were up against a daunting task – that of Eminence. The longest-reigning PRIME Tag Team Champions ever, who hold nearly every record regarding those tag titles. Jared Sykes and Justine Calvin remain a formidable pairing, and a real test for Kuwayama and EIJI.
Early in the contest, it appeared that EIJI’s brute strength was more than a match for either Sykes or Calvin, as the big Korean threw both of them around like ragdolls early on. Then, when it was Kuwayama’s turn, his slippery style made it very difficult for Justine Calvin to land a good hit. The match picked up when Sykes crashed and burned on a suicide dive, allowing DIA to take control for an extended period of time. Things looked dire when Calvin was knocked from the apron and Kuwayama set up Sykes for the Grim Dawn, but Sykes caught the leg on his way down and turned it into a dragon screw. Big EIJI hit the ring without a tag to stop Sykes from making the tag, only for Sykes to hit him with an enzuigiri and make the tag!
Calvin came in like a house of fire, rocking Kuwayama at will while also keeping big EIJI from entering the fray. A violent shotgun dropkick led into a meteora that nearly pinned Kuwayama, but her attempt at the Calculated Risk was at first interrupted by EIJI before Sykes came in to stop him with a wicked flying neckbreaker. As Calvin made her move to put an end to things, Kuwayama turned her knee into the Grim Dawn for a close nearfall before Calvin got her foot on the ropes!
After EIJI dumped Sykes to the floor, he and Kuwayama set up for their combination Grim Dawn into Oblivion Sickle, but Calvin slipped out and shoved Kuwayama into EIJI before hitting the big Korean with a huge knee strike after using Kuwayama’s fallen body as a footstool! She fell into position for Sykes to tag himself in, and the Dragonslayer took full advance of the situation to land the Omega-3 on Kuwayama to get the pin for his team!
After the match, Eminence lingered in the ring to shake the hands of their opponents, but Kuwayama and EIJI turned it down and instead gave them nods before leaving the ring.
Backstage, Lord Kurosame-sama was being chased by at least a half-dozen other wrestlers looking to claim the Bang! All Day Championship from him. You know, the usual story with that championship. He looked like he was able to escape, only for Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. to suddenly pop out of a locker, roll the shark up, and escape with the All Day championship!
BANG! CONCEPTION CHAMPIONSHIP
“BIG IRON” GOROU ICHIKAWA © vs. POM SHINJOKU
Few individuals in Bang! Pro Wrestling have had as much success in the past three years as “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa, the leader of the Ironhearts and the face of Bang! After a sensational 856 day reign as the Bang! Openweight Champion, Big Iron now held the Conception Championship. However, he’d encountered a dangerous opponent in Pom Shinjoku, who seemingly has had his number through the Terminus Complex. Not only was she the only person to defeat him in their block, but she also pinned him in a tag match not long after… which is when she challenged Ichikawa for the Conception championship!
This match began with Ichikawa and Shinjoku going from zero-to-sixty in about a minute of action, with Shinjoku quickly firing off big kicks on Big Iron and Ichikawa trying to tough them out. Then he returned fire and it was Shinjoku having problems. The match turned around in Shinjoku’s favor when she dodged a charge in the corner and then knocked Ichikawa from the ring with a heavy forearm. A diving forearm followed up, and Shinjoku turned to her hardcore roots and took the match into the crowd to throw Ichikawa into the chairs! A dive into Ichikawa into the chairs shortly followed before Shinjoku tried to take to countout win.
Ichikawa fought his way back to the ring, though, so Shinjoku went to work with her strikes and tried to beat Ichikawa half-to-death in the corner, drawing blood with one of her kicks! Things looked especially dire when Shinjoku moved out of the way of a surprise attempt at the Peacemaker and Ichikawa crashed, burned, and then ate a huge knee for a near-fall!
Shinjoku set up for the Great Wave, but Ichikawa rolled out of it and into an anklelock! When Shinjoku got to her feet, Ichikawa delivered an inverted dragon screw that really messed with her leg! A more traditional dragon screw led into a half crab. Shinjoku reached the ropes, but Ichikawa continued to do damage to Shinjoku’s knee. When she fought back with another knee strike, it almost did more damage to her than to Ichikawa!
Nevertheless, the Katana of Kanagawa fought back, and it resulted in a scramble for one of them to hit a big move to put this thing on ice! Shinjoku hit a German suplex, only for Ichikawa to quickly recover and land one of his own. When Shinoku returned the favor, Ichikawa landed in a roll and came back with the Peacemaker for a near fall!
Shinjoku was on the corner of Dream Street and Knockout Alley, but when Ichikawa went for the Joker’s Wild, Shinjoku slipped out and landed the Great Wave off of Kanagawa! But because Ichikawa was too close to the ropes, it only got two! Shinjoku moved to hit the Great Wave again, but Ichikawa slipped out into a German suplex, then hit a Dragon suplex and a second Peacemaker for another close near fall! Shinjoku tried to fight off Ichikawa despite having almost nothing left, but in the end, it was the Joker’s Wild from the Conception champion that sealed the deal.
Backstage, Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. was being chased by several members of the Bang! roster – and maybe one or two Coltons! He eventually hid in a locker, but after all of his pursuers passed him by and he left to go in the opposite direction, he was promptly BELL CLAP~!ped into oblivion by none other than Henry Keyes! Keyes did not care about the Bang! All Day Championship and simply left Gavin for dead.
However, this left the Bang! All Day Championship belt lying on Gavin’s prone body, and… well… there was a referee and…
I guess the championship just won itself!?
How does that even work?
BANG! WORLD OPENWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
CLAIRE MERCI © vs. “HAWKEYE” TAKA SAKURAGI
Back in May of last year, Claire Merci of the Crownless Kingdom had achieved the unthinkable: She defeated “Big Iron” Gorou Ichikawa clean as a sheet to end his 856 day reign as the Bang! Openweight champion. The Merciless Queen has now held the title for more than half of a year, and has taken on as many comers as she could. Just last month, she turned back a challenge from DESTROY IT ALL’s Junpei Tsukioka that left the Prince of Roppongi lying in a pool of his own blood.
But if there was any one man that could answer her challenge, it was the leader of DESTROY IT ALL and the 2023 Terminus Complex winner, “Hawkeye” Taka Sakuragi!
No one could have predicted the path that the former Ironheart would take to reach this point, from turning on the Ironhearts to forming DESTROY IT ALL with Tsukioka, Kuwayama, and EIJI. From brutalizing Riko Tsukino for the Conception championship to winning the Terminus Complex. Sakuragi is the only person since the 2022 Terminus Complex to have actually pinned Claire Merci in a match, which made him the greatest threat to her title reign to date!
This one started out with caution on both sides, as both wrestled a similar strike-focused style and neither wanted to leave themselves vulnerable to the other’s strikes. Eventually, Sakuragi opened up with his kicks, and Merci responded in kind! They went back and forth for nearly five minutes, but it was Sakuragi who gained the advantage in this strike contest, forcing Merci to retreat to the outside.
Sakuragi pursued and attempted a flying knee off of the apron, but Merci caught him with a flying knee of her own! Once back in the ring, Merci worked over Sakuragi’s arm, catching it with a double stomp when Sakuragi tried to steady himself against the ropes. She slammed her knee into the arm several times, but Sakuragi caught one last knee and turned it into a dragon screw!
Despite the pain in his arm, Sakuragi blasted Merci’s legs with kicks of his own, and settled into some unique knee submissions to try and force the champion to submit. Merci powered through it and landed a headbutt to stun Sakuragi, and then managed to leap on top of him for the Royal Hanging Garden Stretch! With the prior work to the arm, Sakuragi was in a lot of pain, especially once Claire brought on her joint manipulation skills! Despite this, Sakuragi managed to reach the ropes to force the break. Claire hopped off of his back to try for the Royal Butterfly Suplex, but Sakuragi blocked it with a headbutt!
Then a brutal kick to the knee of the champion led to the Buzzsaw Kick for a near fall!
Sakuragi attempted a second Buzzsaw Kick, but Merci ducked it and hit him with a released Royal Butterfly Suplex into the straight knee for a very narrow near fall – Sakuragi only saving himself by the grace of being close to the ropes! Merci then pulled Sakuragi in for another Royal Butterfly Suplex, but when Sakuragi blocked it, Claire let go and hit him with another straight knee! However, the damage to her knee left her unable to capitalize quickly, such that when she went for the Durandal, Sakuragi was able to pick her up and drop her with a Beach Break for a near fall!
With the crowd clapping and stomping at the action, Taka Sakuragi gave the champion a dose of her own medicine by landing his own straight knee! This left the champion in prime position for the Iron Sight, but when Sakuragi unleashed the knee, Claire moved her head at the last second and Sakuragi only hit her shoulder… allowing the champion to knock Sakuragi off-balance and put him in the Royal Hanging Garden Stretch again!
This time, though, Sakuragi was able to power out of the hold, and move Merci into position for a devastating tombstone piledriver! With Merci at Sakuragi’s… well, mercy, Sakuragi grasped the wrists to line up the Iron Sight. Merci’s response to her predicament? Spit in his face. Sakuragi’s response to that? A murderous Iron Sight. With the move delivered, the DESTROY IT ALL ringleader fell on top of her… for the win!
The reign of the Merciless Queen is over, but the man who ended that reign is one whose mission statement is to destroy everything! What could that mean?
As Merci convalesced on the floor, Taka Sakuragi threw his newly won Bang! World Openweight Championship to the ground in pure disgust and marched out of the ring to the anger of the crowd. It was only because his cornerman, Junpei Tsukioka, picked up the title in his wake that the title left the ringside area at all.
Has Sakuragi’s goal truly been met?
And what will happen to Bang! Pro Wrestling now that he is the champion?