HOLA SENORS Y SENORAS! Juan Pablo Cortes here with the full details of the LUCHA ESPECIAL 5: The Spirit of Cuauhtemoc card, coming at you LIVE on ACE Network on January 27 from Arena San Francisco in Oaxaca, Oaxaca! This is the last stop for LUCHA ESPECIAL before the mammoth and ambitious Nosotros Tres Reyes tournament, and tensions are running high. So high in fact that we have egomaniacs declaring longstanding feuds to be over. Rudo King is the egomaniac here, and he’s declared his issue with Justicio IV to be finished. Usually that doesn’t happen until someone loses a mask or a hair or something else, but what do I know, I’m only a reporter.
As announced during the last news blast, the main event of this show will feature Rudo King and his two most trusted minions, the turncoat Venganza and the monster El Volcan. Their opponents will be the formidable and talented Crownless Kingdom East. Claire Merci is NOT in a good mood after dropping the Bang! Openweight Championship to Hawkeye Sakuragi at Clash of Aces, and who knows what kind of mood Ignacio el Jaguar and Powerslam Anubis will be in, since they will be putting their Bang! With Your Partner Championships on the line against the SHOOT Tag Team Champions, Benny and Denny Colton, in a winner-take-all match. Either way, this one could be a preview of the Nosotros Tres Reyes finals, and we’re getting it in the main event of this huge show.
The Kingdom, members in good standing or otherwise, will be represented on this show in a second match, where Gavin Yum, Esq. will be competing against Mestizo, the sentient dustball mascot of Los Rebeldes Bien. This will be no ordinary match, no. This will be the first ever Zapatista’s Delight match, where the only way you can win is if you first shoot your opponent with a paintball gun. The match doesn’t end with the shot, but you can’t pin or submit your opponent until you’ve shot them. We tried to get word from Mr. Yum on this, but he didn’t want to come out of his locker. Mestizo said, and I quote, “ADSKAHAYWNBGAY ASHDSFH OLHSHSAHR” which according to their handlers meant he was displeased we were using paintball guns and not live rounds. They let you get away with a lot in Mexico, but not homicide.
In other gonzo gimmick match news, La Arana Voldara is still on the run from LUCHA ESPECIAL 4, and we all know who’s chasing him. Punished Kraven, who has been the muscle for the Disney Corporation in Mexico since his capture by the conglomerate’s corporate lawyers all the way back at LUCHA ESPECIAL 1: Woodrow Wilson’s Guns, will stop at nothing until the Mouse’s trademarks are no longer diluted. This match will not be a normal one, no. This is a Run Through the Jungle. Ten minutes will be on the clock. The setting will be a LITERAL jungle. If Kraven catches Arana, then that’s it, Disney wins. If Arana can evade Kraven for ten minutes? Then he gets the winner’s purse and lives to run another day. This could be the most interesting match on the card.
The main event won’t be the only preview for the Nosotros Tres Reyes tournament. Los Piratas, the first team to declare way back at LUCHA ESPECIAL 4, threw down the gauntlet, and not surprisingly, it was the team of El Dragon II, El Dragon, Jr., and El Dragon III who took it up. As long as Miranda DC is nowhere to be found, the Dragon family is dangerous in that ring. Pirates vs. Dragons. Why do I feel like this was a subplot in Game of Thrones? Anyway, both teams will be looking for momentum going into the big tournament, and what better way to kick things off than here in Oaxaca?
LUCHA ESPECIAL 4 had some unfinished business left on the table. Thanks to the confusion of the refereeing intern, Los Rebeldes Bien and LUCHA ESPECIAL’s Bonnie and Clyde, Psycho Peahen and Sin Cordura, left both thinking they won their tag match. This time around though, there must be a winner. Senior official [NAME REDACTED FROM PRIME SITE] will get the call on this match, and there must be a winner. The first match was one of the most critically acclaimed among lucha circles in 2023. Will this match be even more of a barnburner because of the urgency? We shall see.
Contrary to popular belief, luchadores do not wrestle forever. El Guapo Grande has had a storied career, but his bones are tired and his soul weary. He is ready to hand off to the next generation of lucha libre stars, and his hand-picked final opponent will be none other than the current Sin City Champion of SHOOT Project, Miranda DC. “I’m honored he chose me,” she told me when the match was announced. “He was a staple in my house on Telemundo every weekend. But I won’t go easy on him.” I’m sure Guapo chose her specifically because she wouldn’t.
And it wouldn’t be a LUCHA ESPECIAL card without some multi-entity cluster matches, and we have two this time. The first one is a mini-gauntlet match. At Nosotros Tres Reyes, on night three, there will be a tag team gauntlet of ten teams. This one will only contain five, but the winner will be able to get into the coveted ten position there for a to-be-determined prize. The teams announced:
- The Dasher Siblings, Tommy and Maggie
- The Magnificent Mustangs, “Fast” Eddie Sullivan and Francis the Great
- Team Grays/MESSIAH, Quinn Fleetwood and Petra Brandt
- The Murder Doves, SEGATA and Asesino de Luto II
- El Polpo and Hernando Garces-Tapatio
The Dashers recently competed separately in the Belmont and are two of the hottest prospects, single or tag, in all of wrestling. The Mustangs are a bit of an unknown quantity, but they’ve impressed in their dates around the country. SHOOT Project fans know all about the Murder Doves, and that could mean trouble for everyone given their propensity for SHEER violence. The less said about the MESSIAH team the better, although maybe this means we’ll get to see Quinn Fleetwood get roughed up by one of the competitors. Maybe one of the Murder Doves will disembowel him. I can say this because no one likes Quinn Fleetwood. Or MESSIAH. The last team is the wild card, since they are fairly new. HGT might be familiar to some MMA fans, but El Polpo, from Mexico’s Pacific coast, is the most unknown competitor here. However, it turns out The Anglo Luchador personally scouted and hand-picked this team, so they might be the goods after all. We shall see.
Finally, it’s scramble time! The Aztec Scramble will feature twenty wrestlers in a match where eliminations happen by pin or submission instead of over the top rope. So far, only six wrestlers have been announced for this, and they are:
- ugh, Rodrigo Raton
- El Cocodrilo
- Madame Brilliantina
- El Gringo Diablo
- Kenny Canuck
Kenny Canuck has asked for permission to start off the battle royale with a microphone. Interesting. Keep your eyes peeled to the Dispatcher for more signings to this match!
And that’s the card for LUCHA ESPECIAL 5. Again, you want to tune into ACE Network on January 27 for this show, the final pitstop before NOSOTROS TRES REYES. And also, you probably want to see Quinn Fleetwood get mangled, right?