- A new investment firm, the Kael Company, has begun buying up property in Guyana, Cambodia, and Argentina over the last few months. Linked with PRIME’s own Maximillian Wilhelm Kael, the Kael Company is a private equity firm headed by Max’s sister, Elenore Sinclair-Kael. The Kael Company also moved to purchased MEAT?, securing the third world’s fourth most popular protein option.
Though Elenore Sinclair-Kael sits as the President and CEO of the Kael Company, it is believed that Maximillian Wilhelm Kael has a seat on the Board of Directors. The stated goals of the company have thus far been unclear at best and dubious at worst. Even more mysterious is the nature of the funding, which has allowed this brand new start-up to splash an inordinate amount of dosh at projects on three different continents and wherever Kaelsalvania is.
When we contacted Max via text about the recent influx of investment capital, he had this to say:
“Listen, I think I’ve established at this point that when I defeat someone, I get access to some knowledge or power they had or were linked to. Clearly, whoever I faced and then had their identity canonically ripped from my consciousness had access to a lot of money, a bolamba-dama-ding-dong load I guess. Probably not him directly, this felt like Princeling money, like, if I were reaching for this, I’d need to reach past at least one generation. So I was sitting on a pile of money, the kind of money you could buy your own country and monster cabinet with, and nothing to spend it on. Then Don Winters hits me up! The rest, as they say, is history. I hope that explains everything. Shout out to my boi, Sid! kthxbai.”
- One of Brandon Youngblood’s New Years Resolutions is to ring in the new year with Zero Carb January. After stating his intentions, the beleaguered and embattled former ReVolution mid-carder added, “I think I had my fill of those.” He later clarified his response was in regard to being absolutely terrified of the eGG Bandits.
- After his recent stay in Myrtle Beach, SC, it’s been reported that Daytona Diamonds has (reluctantly) checked himself into a rehab center in Charleston. This follows months of erratic behavior and numerous fines. We reached out to Daytona Diamonds, who responded in a series of groans, grunts, and high-pitched screeches before going on a paranoid rant about how the doctors and nurses at the facility were trying to “make him feel like a god dang goober.” This rant continued for several minutes before Daytona settled down, stopped talking, and started snoring very loudly.
We wish Mr. Diamonds the best of luck.
- A man wearing a bright white military uniform with gold buttons and cufflinks, along with red epaulets and complete with several medals that included the likeness of Vladimir Lenin and the hammer and sickle of the Soviet Union, was seen in Las Vegas just prior to the New Year.
The man in question stood at least a head taller than most everyone else, including the smaller man who walked alongside him. This man wore a brown overcoat and matching hat, which also had a hammer and sickle on the front of it.
Behind the two of them was a demure woman wearing an equally striking red uniform and hat.
The three of them walked into the official PRIME offices.
We can only speculate, but this just might have been Ivan Stanislav, Alexei Ruslan, and Arina Timofeyevna. Stanislav’s current PRIME contract has been set to expire at the end of the year, yet The Russian Bear has been mum regarding his future in PRIME.
The former Universal Champion is coming off a stunning defeat at the hands of FLAMBERGE, who lifted the title from the Russian sexagenarian. The trio remained in the office for about an hour. No one flew from any office windows, and when the three exited they immediately piled into a large black van and sped off.
- No update as to the whereabouts and/or well-being of esteemed PRIME Hall of Famer, Tony Gamble. It has nothing to do with his height and the fact that it’s hard to see him.
It’s said that Robert Dean was happy to end 2023 on the right foot, and he looks to continue his winning ways at ReVival 52, aka the next time he’d like to be booked. Unfortunately for Bobby, his request was denied and he’s booked at ReVival 41 against Crash Jackson.
In an odd twist of events, a paternity test was ordered for Coral’s newborn after doctors informed the current Alias Champion the child would have a normal-sized forehead. The Golden Bandit released a brief statement on the matter. It read, “Just to be sure.”
- The organizers of The Madhouse released a statement recently, revealing several key details about this year’s event.
– Once again, the match will be an open invitation, with no limit on the number of people allowed to compete.
– The event will take place on April 27, 2024, in Philadelphia, PA.
– It has been listed as a Philadelphia Street Fight.
– This will not be an elimination match, like last year’s Fistfight at High Noon. Instead, the winner will be the first person to reach and complete an as-yet-unspecified goal.
– A significant part of the city will be blocked to traffic on the day of the event.
– While last year’s Madhouse was privately funded, this year there will be a sponsor! The prize money–again, $5,000 per entrant–is being put up by Flav-O-Boost, a coffee additive and flavoring available at select locations in the city. The company is currently in negotiations with the Wawa chain, so expect to see Flav-O-Boost available in a wider market very soon!
- Sources close to the carton say that Cancer Jiles has been referring to his hair color as “Alfredo-white” ever since the events at Colossus.
- In a recent interview for Cosmopolitan, Lindsay Troy would neither confirm nor deny being the fifth member of the eGG Bandits’ War Games team.
- Breaking announcement: FLAMBERGE is scheduled to appear at ReVival 41 to address the broader PRIME Universe after being crowned their champion in the main event of Colossus Night Two. Camp Glue has remained tight-lipped about the nature of this address, but given the Frenchman’s brand of incendiary confrontation and lizard-like eccentricities, PRIME officials are preparing for a variety of contingencies.
- Just over a month ago, Adam Ellis was surprised to find out backstage at Colossus that he and his wife Ginny Van Lear were expecting their first child. Despite the pregnancy, Ginny showed up to the post-Colossus press conference and confronted notorious scandal-monger Savannah Scandal, chasing her out of the press room. However, since then, the Kentucky spitfire has been dealing with morning sickness and has not been able to be as involved in the pro wrestling scene.
During the winter break, the couple sold their home in Texas and moved back to Adam’s hometown of Warrensburg, Missouri – just in time for the severe Arctic outbreak of 2024. From now on, it seems that Adam will be flying solo as he has parted ways with Charlie Blackwell and Texas Championship Wrestling, while Ginny will stay at home. Additionally, Adam has signed a deal to work part-time with Missouri Valley Wrestling and is excited about making progress in his PRIME career this year.
- We reported on rumors that Ivan Stanislav and Alexei Ruslan had traveled to Las Vegas following Colossus to discuss the possibility of a contract extension. It has now been confirmed that, indeed, The Russian Bear isn’t going anywhere.
As of this release, the specific details of the contract between PRIME and The Russian Bear have not been disclosed. However, we did discover that Stanislav met with Lindsay Troy, alone, for about forty-five minutes and upon his exit The Russian Bear appeared less-than-pleased with the meeting.
All that could be gleaned from Alexei Ruslan was that, despite what appeared to be a fiery closed-door meeting, The Russians and PRIME were able to come to a tentative deal.
More news on this when it becomes available to us, but suffice to say PRIME will continue to look a little more “red” for the foreseeable future.