Think Red 25
Comrades of the world!
A fine and Happy New Year to all great workers!
It is with great pride that I produce yet another edition of Think Red, the most unbiased, truthful, yet hard-hitting publication about all things related to PRIME. I have no doubt that each and every one of you, in the wake of the end of the year break, are simply ravenous for not just this article, but my eloquent analysis and opinions! We have those and more, to include a most… illuminating wrestler spotlight from an up and comer in PRIME. Far be it for me to not give him a chance to make his presence known. Such is my kindness and generosity.
So let us begin, shall we?
Ivan Stanislav: The Face of the Year, who wrestled in The Match of the Year, and who was part of Most Compelling Thrashing of the Year and who is, yes, managed by the Manager of the Year
Anyone who states that hard work doesn’t pay off need only look back at the year 2023. In recognition for our hard work, fans of wrestling voted Ivan Stanislav as the Face of the Year!
*Editor’s note: It appears that PRIME incorrectly labeled Ivan as “heel” of the year, which seems to be an error. I have already commissioned a new, accurate plaque for the statue from Russia*
Not only that, but the fans also believed his thrashing of Brandon Youngblood was the most compelling event! Ivan’s match against FLAMBERGE was the most interesting! And of course, yes, through that democratic process that so many Americans cling to, I, Alexei Ruslan, was voted the greatest manager of the year!
Sometimes, there is nothing more satisfying than listening to the stunned silence of your stubborn detractors.
Congratulations to Ivan Stanislav! Congratulations to The Red Army. Why, congratulations to me!
2024- Continuation of The Year of the Bear
I am not going to go into detail about Colossus and the GRAVE INJUSTICE that was wrought upon the TRUE UNIVERSAL CHAMPION Ivan Stanislav.
We all know about it, and why dwell on such things?
But I feel it is necessary, and responsible, for me to tell each and every one of you fine comrades that despite any setbacks that may befall us, those who fight for what is right never take a day off. They never quit. They never bend. They never submit. They never remain down for long (most certainly no longer than 2.99 seconds). Therefore, you can all take heart in the fact that the year 2024 will continue to be one highlighted by the dominating, eye-opening power of The Russian Bear.
The downside to being such a dominant force in PRIME is that more often than not, Ivan Stanislav has been distracted from other matters. Why, in January last year, he thrashed Cancer Jiles and had a chance at the Universal Title at Culture Shock, which kept him laser focused.
Then, the Tropical Turmoil Tournament once more kept him busy (and of course, he won!).
Then, he defeated Brandon Youngblood and became the Universal Champion!
And of course, afterwards, he had to keep protecting the Universal Title from any and all enemies who were put in his way!
Throughout it all, the worms and vermin of PRIME have insulted him. They have tried to kick at him, and poke, and prod him.
However, like glorious, just, and loving Josef Stalin? Ivan has a list. A long list. Of every injustice. Every transgression. Every dog who has uttered any filth in his direction. And now, you rumor-mongers and detractors?
He’s no longer distracted.
It’s time to pay.
You know who you are.
ReVival 41 Predictions
DARIN ZION VS. DABNEY DOUBLEDAY
Winner: Is this really a match?
I think this is just a dark match. It cannot possibly be on the television. Disregard.
KENNADE STARR VS. SAGE PONTIFF
Winner: Sage Pontiff… grudgingly.
Look, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I don’t care for these granola chewing hippies who simply live off the land for themselves and never pay their fair share to the State. But Kennade Starr is some kind of influencer, which is funny because I don’t believe she had any influence whatsoever.
Also, I don’t know how you pronounce “Kennade” but it’s a bit too close to “Kennedy” for my liking, and that’s a BIG strike for any well-meaning communist.
SWANNY VS. TONY GAMBLE
Winner: Tony Gamble, because what even is a Swanny?
Lots of new blood here in PRIME it seems, and frankly I am unimpressed. I don’t even know how to pronounce this name either and I’m an expert at pronunciation. Swanny? What is that?
Is Lindsay Troy purposely hiring people whose names are difficult for Russians to pronounce? I wouldn’t put it past her.
And is Tony Gamble, once this “leader” of GAS now a prisoner of the eGG Bandits? My goodness, and I thought that Coral Avalon crashed and burned. Still, I guess I will give it to Tony Gamble. He’s kind of pathetic in that “kicked puppy” sort of way.
CRASH VS. BOBBY DEAN
Winner: Crash… because like the wrestler, that’s what’s going to happen to Bobby Dean when his terminal diabetes catches up with him.
Yes, he’ll crash all right, dear comrades, and that fat lump of cellulose will need a crane to move his fat waste of space ass out of the way. I know, looking at these matches, ReVival 41 sure is looking bleak… but it will get better, even without Ivan Stanislav on the card.
ANNA DANIELS VS. KENNY FREEMAN
Winner: Comrade Kenny Freeman, of course!
We do, truly, like Anna Daniels. It pains us to go against her because we have a great deal of respect for her. But at the end of the day, she is not part of The Red Army. We cannot know her quite as well as we know Kenny Freeman. You see, when you’re part of The Red Army, you are part of a family that will never, ever bet against you. Will always trust in your abilities. And will do anything to help you achieve your goals.
Anna, it’s not too late, you could still join us if you like! I know you understand our endorsement of Comrade Kenny.
ARTHUR PLEASANT VS. ROB WILLIAMS
Winner: Arthur Pleasant, a true gentleman!
I challenge anyone to show me a schedule from last year that was more grueling than that of what Arthur Pleasant experienced in PRIME. I have no doubt this was the work of Lindsay Troy! Yes, Ivan had a more difficult schedule but otherwise? I doubt one could find anything more difficult. And through thick and thin, Arthur Pleasant has kept his chin up, his teeth sharpened, and his disposition sunny.
He really is inspiring.
I know Rob Williams is trying to find God. But the fact is he’s going to find Arthur Pleasant’s foot crashing across the side of his head when it’s all said and done, and then, that light you see in front of you, Rob, isn’t that of God. No, because God is just a capitalist construct. No, those are just the lights in the arena.
HESSIAN VS. SEÁN O’NEILL
Even I was surprised to see that Hessian has returned to PRIME. My goodness, do we go back. Way back. To PCW days. And that makes me happy, because Hessian can corroborate everything that I’ve said regarding Ivan’s dominance. He knows. He’s smart. And yes, he’s also damned accomplished.
Hessian might be getting a bit long in the tooth (aren’t we all?) but I’m looking forward to this older veteran bashing all these young bucks back down to size. Welcome back Hessian!
INTENSE TITLE BARBED WIRE ROPES: MAX KAEL VS. PAXTON RAY
Winner: IVAN STANISLAV
I know most folks will be interested to see Kael and Ray square off. They’re both great competitors. They’re both a little off. They’re both a little bloodthirsty.
And I hate to let the cat out of the bag, dear comrades, but I just cannot help myself.
Neither Paxton Ray nor Max Kael will leave the KeyBank Arena as Intense Champion.
You see, I know many of you may discount Max Kael as nothing more than a walking puppet who has a busted brain.
Many of you think Paxton Ray is just a mindless brute who is so cold-hearted that he’d paralyze the man who was raising money for his cancer-striken daughter.
And maybe, to some degree, those assessments are correct.
But I know that Max Kael and Paxton Ray are smart. They’re cognizant. And they’re fair. And after the THEFT of Ivan Stanislav’s Universal Title by a Frenchboy who had NOTHING TO LOSE and thus abdicated his Intense Title, it’s only fair that they give the title to PRIME’s true champion.
I hope you’re both reading this.
Ivan will be there, at ReVival, and he’ll be ready for the two of you to try to make this right.
Don’t be selfish. Don’t be foolish. Because who knows? Maybe he’ll get a shot at that title sometime down the line? And trust me, Max and Paxton, if you don’t give him the title now, he’ll take it from you later.
Neither of you want that.
Don’t run the risk of tarnishing a strong friendship, Paxton.
Max… don’t risk whatever life you have left.
But most importantly, dear Max and Paxton, don’t rob the fans of what would no doubt be the best feel-good moment of the year.
I know you’ll make the right decision.
Wrestler Spotlight- Dabney and Douglas Doubleday
And now, comrades, after a great hiatus, I have yet another Wrestler Spotlight prepared for you. I admit that it has been some time, but the truth is that beyond members of The Red Army, I cannot find many individuals in PRIME who are as interesting and thus, I find it might be a waste of time.
I make no promises that the following interview will be worthwhile, but I can assure you that at least you can read more of my words, which certainly holds some value.
And so, I have with me here Dabney and Douglas Doubleday. Dabney is one of the newer members of PRIME, and as so many people know I do so enjoy delving into the mind of a young, up and coming, would-be Red Army member.
So, without further ado, here it is!
Alexei Ruslan: Hello Dabney and Douglas. I am Alexei Ruslan, but I am sure you already know that. How are you today?
Douglas: Fine and dandy, thanks for the opportunity.
Dabney: This is my first time doing “media” be gentle ok? Heh.
Alexei Ruslan: First thing is first, because I think this might be the single most important question I ask: What kind of a name is Dabney anyway?
Dabney: It’s a family name on my mothers side. Family’s pretty important to Douglas and I.
Douglas: I begged him to change it.
Douglas: I stand by my statement.
Alexei Ruslan: I find myself at a bit of a disadvantage, I admit, because I didn’t bother to look at your career. It’s not your fault, of course, Dabney, but when I am working with Ivan Stanislav for so long, why bother looking at lesser careers? Anyway, you clearly chose PRIME and PRIME chose you. With that in mind, what percentage, between 85 and 100%, did Ivan Stanislav’s presence on the PRIME roster factor into your decision to join?
Douglas: Yeeeeah… Mr. Stanislav and I had a little run in on the ol’ Jabber machine a number of weeks back right after we inked out PRIME contracts.
Dabney: He thought you were a communist because of your red screen name, something like that?
Douglas: Listen. Like I said then- I’m a Bernie guy- I’ve had the word “socialist” screamed in my face by some of my neighbors. But sadly, I’m in an abusive relationship with this ridiculous country. I’m an American through and through- I was also a Lindsay Troy fan growing up- no offense, but does that about answer your question- comrade?
Alexei Ruslan: Well, let us get something straight, and I know you are new so I will allow one mistake to be made. It is not “Mister” Stanislav, it is Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav. He is a war hero and veteran. He risked his life for his country. The least one can do is afford him a certain degree of respect in that regard, yes? Or do you dislike military veterans?
Douglas: Good to know “gotcha journalism” is alive and well in the motherland-
Dabney: What my brother means to say is, no sir, we respect military veterans very much- being young and so very American we just plum put our feet in our mouths there- didn’t we Dougie?
Douglas: Yeah yeah, sure sure. Mucho respect to the big man-
*Editor’s Note: Doubleday Bros. did not give percentage of Ivan’s impact on their decision-making of joining PRIME. The default is thus 100%*
Alexei Ruslan: Machine Tractor Farms- Were they the best thing to come out of the New Economic Policy? And if not, what was?
Dabney: I feel like I’m in school…
Douglas: I pledge allegiance- to the flag- of the United States of Americ–:
Alexei Ruslan: Moving right along!!!! How do you like the dynamics of brothers working together in a profession such as this? I too consider Ivan Stanislav to be the closest thing to a brother in my life, so it is of interest to me.
Dabney: Dougie and I have always been close- always there to stick up for one another.
Douglas: My brother can sometimes be a little- nice- I’m around to add some much needed zing to his business.
Dabney: Zing to my what?
Douglas: Hush, I’m workin’ here. What I mean to say is, we complement one another. And he’s absolutely correct. I’ve always got his back.
Alexei Ruslan: Okay… Dabney, you have a match at ReVival 41 against Darin Zion Wrestler X. How are you feeling?
Douglas: Wait- weren’t we supposed to call him Zenon Dylan now?
Dabney: Whatever the poor fella’ decides to call himself come ReVival, he’s gonna find this swell fella tyin’ his keister into several very complicated knots- respectfully.
*Editor’s Note: What the hell do we call Wrestler X now??*
Alexei Ruslan: Your finishing maneuver is called the “Lazy Susan” but who is Susan, why is she so lazy, and don’t you think a more proactive name would be more inspiring?
Douglas: Funny name- dangerous maneuver, my friend.
Dabney: A Lazy Susan- you know, a turntable in the middle of a round dinner table?
Douglas: What, they don’t have Chinese restaurants in Russia?
Dabney: The name is a fun reference- but like my brother said, the submission hold aint no joke, sir. My grandfather The Amazing Cecil Doubleday used the spinning carousel hold back in his day- I started using it as tribute to him.
Douglas: It also looks wild as hell.
Dabney: That too.
Alexei Ruslan: I know you have been in wrestling for a few years, and so you know that a title cannot change hands unless there is a pinfall or submission. Ivan Stanislav did neither of those things at Colossus and yet the crooked referee stripped him of the title. Doesn’t that seem unfair to you? How has that shaken your perception of the legitimacy of PRIME?
Dabney: Honestly? Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav probably does deserve a rematch- it’d be one I’d pay to see again, without a doubt.
Douglas: Very political answer bro, good job-
*Editor’s Note: Cross Dabney Doubleday off “the list.” Keep the brother.*
Alexei Ruslan: Have you ever been to Russia? Would you like to go to Russia? Would you be willing to stay there forever?
Douglas: AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IS STANDS- ONE NATION- wait, am I saying that right?
Dabney: Ok ok, listen- in fact I’d love to see your homeland. Russia sounds like a fascinating place. Would I like to live there? Just being an honest Joe here- no sir, I’d rather not live in Russia forever. This poor old country of ours might be flawed but it’s the one that gave birth to the greatest sport on God’s green earth, professional wrestling- so yeah, gotta stick with the home team on that one- respectfully.
Alexei Ruslan: Would you mind giving me a blood sample and copies of your social security cards at the next ReVival? Just in case you lose them?
Douglas: Dude- you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’-
Dabney: Yeeeeah- gonna pass, chum. Respectfully.
Alexei Ruslan: Through Ivan Stanislav’s illustrious career he has had some truly amazing matches and any wrestler worth their salt knows his career inside and out. So, with that in mind, what would you say is your favorite Ivan Stanislav match and why is he such a fantastic wrestler?
Douglas: So as not to end this interview blowin’ too much smoke up another competitor’s back side- how about I say the one Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav and my dear brother haven’t had yet? Because I know I speak for my brother when I say- we’re not here to piddle around. There’s an American saying about finding the biggest baddest dog in the yard after all-
Douglas: I said what I said.
Dabney: You heard the man. He said what he said.
*Editor’s Note: Doubleday Bros. have no issue with crushing defeat*
Alexei Ruslan: What would you say is the greatest evil propagated by capitalism?
Douglas: Where to start- just set fire to Wall Street and turn it into a park.
Dabney: Whilst I don’t condone vandalism- yeah, a park would be nice.
Alexei Ruslan: Do you have anything else you would like to add?
Dabney: Only that I’m honored to be joining you folks on the road and am looking forward to a clean match and a victory I can be proud of come ReVival.
Douglas: See ya’ soon “Zenon”- if that is your REAL name.
Well, that wrestler spotlight might have been a wash. I tried to make things interesting. I tried to inject some true greatness into the conversation with Ivan Stanislav related content, but this younger generation certainly tends to have their heads in the clouds.
Anyway, I guess I’ll thank the Doubleday brothers for their contributions.
And so, ReVival 41 is upon us. A new year. New faces. New names. But the content and context is still the same:
Red Army domination. Hope for the masses. Destruction of the detractors.
What a time to be alive.
Think about how much you’ve missed Ivan Stanislav during this break, dear comrades! Think about how amazing of a manager I have been to each and every one of you. Think about all those names on that list of Ivan Stanislav’s, and how they’ll be crossed off, by a thick, red pen, one by one. By regardless of what you think about, dear friends always, always Think Red!!
2023 PRIME Manager of the Year