- Coral Avalon made waves with his decisions for his War Games team, leading many to question his judgement. Immensely. We can confirm, however, that despite the grumblings of Don Winters, Coral Avalon is not in fact the Prince of Darkness made manifest for putting his team together.
- A moratorium concerning sending gifts to Sid Phillips during shows has been sent to all PRIME staff following the deluge sent to the Man of a Thousand Powerbomb-Related Nicknames at ReVival 41. The Glueminati’s locker room was stuffed full of gifts specifically to Phillips, most out of assorted third-world countries.
“We don’t know where they all came from, but they all got increasingly weirder as we received more of them,” said an anonymous PRIME employee. “Like, who sends a man a bicycle with dick-shaped handles, anyway?”
Phillips has been instructed by PRIME officials to either keep or dispose of all the gifts, as the KeyBank Arena refused to allow him to leave them there.
Especially not the penis bike.
- Randall Schwartz has been complaining to anyone with ears to hear that he was not invited to the War Games watch party. Keybank Arena staff overheard the Entertainer saying he wanted to meet Matthew Broderick and thank him personally for all his hard work over the years and for saving the world from global thermonuclear war.
When informed what PRIME’s War Games would actually entail, Schwartz simply wished Kenny Freeman the best of luck.
- Regarding the note about The Anglo Luchador, filmed unmasked saying “fuck the police,” PRIME offices have released this statement:
“The views expressed by TAL do not necessarily reflect that of PRIME.”
- It’s been confirmed that Ria Lockhart, now going by the name RIA, has formally signed a new contract with PRIME. No details have been given on the length or monetary compensation. Chances are high she’ll re-debut in ring at either ReVival 43 or 44, but there’s been a lack of information on potential booking plans for RIA. We’ll make sure to bring you any information we receive going forward.
- As stated in an official press release, “Mega Job and the Ten True Fruits” will be appearing on the ACE Network beginning in the spring. The popular web cartoon had been seeking a television deal for nearly two years, and nearly inked a deal before the disastrous PWA deal spurned it.
Although Mega Job has exactly one appearance left on their deal with PRIME, dating back to when they appeared for a peace conference and a funeral before Colossus 2022, the trio have been terribly busy with their cartoon, public appearances, and their long-standing war against the moon and all that it stands for, curse its name for all time.
- The Kael Company combined with Sinclaire Industries to form an international conglomerate known as Kael-Sinclaire International Enterprises. This restructuring of the corporate entity has shifted more power away from Ulsa N. Couth to the Kael Family. Though Max Kael is a board member of the Kael Company, it was noted that he would take no leadership position in this new entity. Instead Elenore Sinclaire, the adopted sister of Maximillian Wilhelm Kael, will serve as CEO of this new business. This merger follows a continued trend of businesses and services previously owned by the Kael Family being brought into the fold. Increased demand for MEAT? produces in overseas markets has helped to fuel the rapid acquisition of assets, much to the chagrin of U.N. Couth.
Speaking of Couth, the elderly Business Manager of Max Kael is said to have filed several lawsuits against the Kael Company. Though the nature of the lawsuits are unknown at this time, it doesn’t take much of an imagination to assume Max Kael is at the center of it.
- Ivan Stanislav was all smiles when leaving the KeyBank Arena after ReVival 41, and when he finally landed in Moscow, those smiles continued.
Stanislav immediately appeared on Russian State Media to proclaim himself “Co-Captain of the most dynamic and dominant collection of communists and non-communists in the history of PRIME.”
Stanislav touched upon the stranger alliance between The Love Convoy and The Red Army:
“Vickie Hall, one of the few American women who I can stand to listen to, said it best my fellow Russians. It is time for war in PRIME. She, an American, reached out in our time of sorrow to help us finalize the injustices which have been placed upon the Russian people. Though I should still be Universal Champion, this selfless woman dedicated her husband’s struggle to the rectification of injustices at Colossus 2023!”
“War Games will be positively dominated by the likes of Ivan Stanislav, Jonathan-Christopher Hall, Arthur Pleasant, Kenny Freeman, Kerry Kuroyama, and Max Kael! There can be no denying it and I am proud to have them on my team.”
Immediately, posters flew out of the Russian print offices with images of Stanislav and Vickie Hall plastered in reds and pinks, complete with various iconography:
-Old Soviet T-34 tanks firing shells in the shape of hearts
-Bears mauling faceless PRIME wrestlers with the phrase “Tерзать их любовью!” (“Maul them with love!”)
-The Soviet hammer and sickle encased in a heart with the phrase “Bнутри каждого сердца бьется коммунист!” (“Inside every heart beats a communist!”)
-Soviet-style propaganda posters of Ivan Stanislav holding hands with Vickie Hall dressed in dirt-smudged overalls and a miners’ helmet.
Among others. May God help us all.
- Upon returning to the Keybank Arena following their outing at Niagara Falls, the Vae Victis tandem of Kerry Kuroyama and Scott Hunter were informed of the former’s selection onto Vickie Hall’s War Games team.
After being assured that no, it was not a joke, Kuroyama’s reaction was reportedly vehement, nonplussed, discomfited, irascible, and any other number of fancy twenty-dollar words that one can easily find on thesaurus.com.
“I want to be clear,” Kerry said in a statement. “I have NO intention whatsoever to be a part of this clown troupe of a War Games ‘team’.”
Hunter then quite enthusiastically added, “Yeah! You heard him! There’s no way he’s on that team without his BEST FRIEND there at his side!”
Kuroyama said nothing in response to this addendum by his Vae Victis cohort, but took a thoughtful sip from his whisky tumbler, which he brought in from outside, for some reason.
Just then, a spotlight with a pink “VV” logo appeared in the sky. Seeing this, Kuroyama and Hunter promptly went to Lindsay Troy’s office for a secret emergency Vae Victis council. Reports could not be verified that they went to her office by way of fire poles cleverly hidden behind a bookcase, but whatever was said during the meeting happened behind closed doors.
When Kerry and Scott re-emerged, the Emerald Apex had the following to say:
“Just to clarify my stance, I am ONLY agreeing to participate in this under the agreement that Scott is my designated alternate.”
With that, Kuroyama excused himself from the building and visited the nearest construction site with fall hazards.
- Don Winters is flying back into the United States from Guyana in preparation for his return against Rose at ReVival 42. The nearly month-long stay in the small South American country has rejuvenated the 47-year-old wrestler and he is raring to go, feeling better than he ever has. Reached for comment, Winters confirmed he was in Guyana stating, “I bought myself a new fishing boat, Jesus Take The Reel, and had a great time fishing along the coast and meeting with the local population. They’re very spiritual people and we had some wonderful conversations. I can’t wait to visit again.”
- Several reports have surfaced from ReVival 41 concerning the conclusion of the Hessian vs Seán O’Neill match. Apparently O’Neill had to be helped to the back by the on-site medical team. One report claims to have overheard O’Neill remarking something along the lines of “It should be illegal to let a f***er that size in the f***ing ring! Bloody animal!” All reports agreed the Irishman looked every bit as ugly as the beating he’d taken at the hands of “The Murder Show.” The broadcast didn’t catch any of this, however, as this was taking place during the reintroduction of “The Flyin’ Hawaiian” Bryan Dawkins.
- Max Kael was recently sighted visiting the Arkham Animal Shelter and BBQ. After about fifteen minutes he sent the following message via text into PRIME.
“As you might have noticed, I was recently sighted visiting the Arkham Animal Shelter and BBQ. At first I was drawn in by the sweet smell of fresh BBQ, its moist, slathered sweetness calling to my soul. And then I learned that wonderful smell was also masking the stench of terrified, abandoned animals languishing in small, concrete boxes and behind steel cages. I looked into their sad, wet eyes and I realized something. I’m on a War Games team with somebody whose probably committed actual war crimes and that’s pretty fucking terrifying/cool. I won’t say who, to protect their identify, ya know… ANYWAY, I think this place actually cooks the animals into BBQ, so I went ahead and just rescued all the animals in there. The Kael Adoption Agency is expanding from unwanted human family members to all kinds! Now excuse me while I enjoy a wonderful BBQ meal. A succulent BBQ meal. Your INTENSEST Champion, – mwk – kthxbai.”