- Whispers persist that Max Kael has been sending out feelers to talent in PRIME for unknown reasons. Secret alliances? Pen pals? An underground betting ring? Nobody knows for sure but it seems like, with War Games on the horizon, the Intense Champion is looking to sow as much chaos and distrust as he can before Culture Shock.
- Many people are saying that Ami is loved by everyone. That everybody loves Ami or ends up loving her. And by loving we are making the broad assumption they mean sex. And by sex we mean Ami is a whore and this was not written by the Herald. This rumor was probably submitted by Brandon Youngblood. Yeah… NAILED IT.
- Rumor has it Brandon Youngblood is changing his nickname to The Walking Weapon of Babel.
- Word on the street is Coral Avalon originally selected Phil Atken as the final pick for his War Games team after forgetting about Bobby Dean’s eggsistence. When Phil declined for obvious reasons (no Bob), Coral lamented, and ultimately settled upon another behemoth, Hessian.
- Word floating around the water cooler says that Hayes Hanlon is once again upset about not MAIN EVENTING. As such, and in an attempt to vent his simplex of frustration, the Homerun Boy is going to start “kissing” members of the roster. No word yet if he’s chosen their lips or ass.
- Rumor has it that Dole is in the final stages of negotiating an agreement to become the “Official Pineapple of PRIME.” Sources indicate that the value of said deal could be “in the millions” if not more. Some may consider the timing of this deal to be awfully convenient considering the recent signing of the former “Flyin’ Hawaiian” Bryan Dawkins but that is purely speculation. We’ll keep you updated as this deal develops!
- There are stories circulating Reddit about a large settlement coming out of Max Karl’s Adoption Agency. A summary of the lawsuit was shared on r/maxkaelconspiracies by FartTransplant420, who claims to be a law clerk. Mr. Kael is accused of knowingly adopting out multiple Eastern European little people in their mid-to-late twenties. In all situations the adopting family was told they were receiving a grade school aged child.
The top comment on the Reddit thread was by one DonWintersMadeOurFrogsChristian, who opined “I wish Daddy Max would adopt me.” No one knows what that means or how it may be relevant to the accusations.
According to the comment section of Reddit, the settlement was six-figures and would surely “make Max go back to his stupid commie country.” Once again, not sure how that’s relevant.
- U.S. Customs is said to have confiscated a metric ton of Kool Aid bound for Guyana. A series of shell companies rumored to have ties to a certain preacher were linked to the shipment.
- We don’t want to tell tales out of school, but the rumor is that the Herald gets the fabric for his clothes from Hobby Lobby. Allegedly.
- Footage from a PRIME fan was submitted to PRIME offices, showing an enormous man in a red and gold uniform who matched the description of Ivan Stanislav, leaving what appeared to be a Kentucky Fried Chicken last week.
The location of the KFC in question was not disclosed, but footage not only showed Stanislav exiting the building, but the staff inside the building staring at their empty warmers devoid of chicken, shaking their heads. They decided to close early.
The fan was brave enough to approach Stanislav, who was walking towards a large black van with tinted windows. But all Stanislav would say was, “In Russia, we use fourteen herbs and spices. DYAAAHAAHAA!!”
The fan then tried to enter the KFC in question. However, all they recorded was the general manager kneeling in the middle of the lobby screaming, “He ate them. He ate them all. They’re gone, every single one of them. And not just the roosters, but the hens and the chickadees too! He slaughtered them like animals! WHO EATS THAT MUCH CHICKEN IN ONE SITTING?!” The man then fell into a fetal position and began clucking uncontrollably.
This is filed under rumors because we cannot independently verify that this was, indeed, Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav. But if this was some kind of deep fake, I’d suggest this person stay away from Eastern Europe for the rest of their lives.
- Philadelphia Zoo-goers recalled seeing a tattooed man with a rolling mountainous landscape of muscles at the Big Cat Falls exhibit staring intently at the lions. He was heard to be muttering “I’m the goddamn king of the jungle” repeatedly. Little Timmy claimed the man seem aroused, but everyone knows that kid is a liar.
- According to inside sources from PRIME’s website team, Sid Phillips’ list of nicknames has grown to the point where it has its own gravitational pull. Web designers had to scramble over the weekend to fix the Coolympian Diamond’s bio page and restore the nicknames of other PRIME roster members.
“It’s tricky business, since we don’t want to take any titles away from The Only Daddy That’ll Find Out,” a source within PRIME told us. “No one can deny that he is the Permascar Protagoniste, Mrs. Doubleday’s Perfect Little Murdergator, or the Technicolor Comforter of Transformative Experience. But if we don’t get this fixed, Marketing’s gonna lose their minds.”
Pacific New York’s Forever Beautiful Crownless Murder Nightmare Viper Dragon Lord The Invincible Bruh was not available for comment.
- Conspicuous by his absence on ReVival 41 was the Fabulous Gold Mask, who recently inserted himself as the manager of the Glue Man Group. Word on the street is that the man nicknamed “Fabby” couldn’t make it to the show because of a long-standing beef with the entire city of Buffalo.
Like, all of it.
We sent a message to Fabby’s e-mail account asking for clarification, and the only response we got was a series of middle finger emojis. So, I think we can all agree that Fabby is *not* going to be on any of *my* Christmas card lists!
[Ed. note: Gary, I’ve gotten your Christmas cards before, and I’m sure that Mr. Gold Mask will be grateful to not get any of your Cthulhu-adjacent eldritch art.]
- Rumors, or CREATIVE LEAKS?? A hand-written note with the headline “PRIME 2024 Gimmick Changes” has allegedly fallen into the hands of a Vegas insider, and they have used this document to release betting odds. Will we see one of these PRIME wrestlers show a new side this year? The top odds have leaked and will reportedly open as follows:
FLAMBERGE -110, with all the Lizard and Glue gimmickry, is it time to ditch the sword??
The Anglo Luchador +220, is it a removal of the mask or a different (non-Anglo?) wrestler donning the mantle??
Arthur Pleasant +450, can we handle all the new teeth (or lack thereof??)
Sid Phillips +600, will the master of the Powerbomb transition to armdrags??
Nate Colton +1000, or is Oinkers McGoo his REAL NAME??
Keep a keen eye on ReVival, especially for subtle signs in non-match segments, reports the anonymous insider. That’s where the real sauce will appear.
- Look out, Jersey Shore! Y’all got a new sheriff in town! Fresh out of rehab, it looks like Daytona Diamonds might have bought himself a beach house in Atlantic City! Or maybe he’s renting it. Maybe it’s a rent to own situation, we don’t know. Rumor has it that it’s the same house where The Beach Boys wrote “Kokomo,” though. That’s pretty cool, right? Atlantic City, baby! It’s just like Las Vegas, but way worse in pretty much every conceivable way! We’re sure Daytona will fit in just fine.