- After ReVival 42 went off the air, an attempt was made by Bobby Dean and Coral Avalon to grab Tony Gamble by the arms and legs and attempt to “stretch him” to be taller. This effort failed when Avalon felt bad about all of the screaming and Dean got tired after six seconds of said effort.
- ReVival 42 proved to be a very successful–not just for PRIME, but also for the new Flav-O-Boost product, which appeared over the weekend at select Wawa locations.
Taking full advantage of the ReV42 main event and its connection to this year’s Madhouse event, Flav-O-Boost made an explosive debut in Philadelphia, with most stores running out of stock by the middle of the day.
“This stuff is incredible!” one customer told our reporters. “I’m never drinking coffee without it again!”
“I’ve never had a better day at work,” another said. “I got so much done!”
“This was a success beyond even our wildest projections,” a spokesperson for the company told us. “We’re already in talks to expand our reach…not just gas stations, but grocery stores as well. If this holds, we’ll be dominating the tri-state area in just a few months.”
- According to a source citing backstage chatter immediately following ReVival 42, beloved
hackreporter Richard Parker was reportedly accosted by new number one contender for the Intense Title, Hessian, outside the dressing room area. The altercation was described as verbal with Parker “being chewed out for making bad calls during his return match” apparently leading to an 18% engagement online for the term “Murder Express.”
- According to a source citing backstage chatter immediately following ReVival 42, beloved
In a surprising turn of events, rather than wanton vandalism against doors, Hessian is believed to have taken the matter directly to the CFO. While unavailable for comment, our source further quoted Hessian as saying, “I got the patent on Murder. Take your Rumbles and Gators and fucking guns in the ring and shove it.”
Whether the giant is taking stock of his equity or the prospect of facing Max Kael has him on edge, Richard Parker has apparently pissed the Murder Show off. Thanks, Richard.
- News coming out of the PRIME Business Report seems to signify another new venture as we pick up steam heading toward Culture Shock 2024. 24-year-old sports business prodigy Raffi Azarian and PRIME have reached an agreement to house Azarian’s talent management company within their own designated HQ at all events moving forward. What this exactly means is unclear with no further details being offered other than a simple press release from Azarian in the Wall Street Journal.
“Growing up as a wrestling fan is only part of what makes this day special for me. The other part is the fact that, with hard work and proper planning, we will be responsible for helping mold and shape the champions of tomorrow. Without revealing too much at this time, it is just an honor to be mentioned in the same sentence with PRIME and contribute to their already cherished history. High Output Talent Development Of Great Success looks forward to bringing the best and brightest to their full potential.”
HOTDOGS has been in operation for nearly eight months but does not appear to have a single client under contract with the Brooklyn-based operation. Raffi Azarian is Armenian-American as well as a 2021 graduate of Columbia University with a BA in Marketing, International Finance, and Economics, each, who found great success with his YouTube channel during the Sports Card Boom during the Pandemic of 2020.
More on this story as it becomes available.
- Sightings of an eight-armed monstrosity spooking the people of Philadelphia in the dead of night turned out to be none other than Gritty in the “ab shirt” gifted to Sid Phillips by Max Kael.
Authorities have advised residents to remain in their homes, because “Gritty IS coming for you.”
- Mega Job is also coming for you.
- Citizens Against Fred Dick have made a press release stating that after their successful PSA at ReVival 42, they will be in New York to protest Fred Dick’s continued existence. When asked for a response, Fred Dick stated, “I didn’t do anything to these people, and they will soon hear from my lawyer, Jimmy Queso.”
- Following what can only be described as a “unique” entrance at ReVival 42, Ivan Stanislav has managed to upend the music charts in Russia. Danko’s “The Russians Are Coming” immediately reached #1 on the Russian based TopHit 100 charts over the weekend with State media “urging” Russians to watch the video at least five times a day online, while also “suggesting” they watch the broadcast of Ivan Stanislav / JCH vs. Tony Gamble / Coral Avalon.
Danko released a statement: “Thank you Starshy Praporshchik Stanislav for this incredible honor! <3 Danko.”
Several Russian music producers have expressed interest in a music video involving Stanislav, Alexei Ruslan, Jonathan-Christopher Hall, and Vickie Hall to the tune of Danko’s 2000-era song. More on this rapidly developing story.
- Following another tough loss, this time at the hands of Vae Victus’s Kerry Kuroyama on Friday night, Adam Ellis left the Wells Fargo Arena in a surprisingly good mood. When we caught up to Adam in the parking lot, the young wrestler said he was pleased with the match… disappointed that he didn’t win… but again… there was much from the match that he can take from and learn. Adam vowed that he would keep moving forward.
- Rob Williams was witnessed getting a celebratory tattoo by the famous blackout artist Hoode after his rousing win at ReVival 42. It appeared to be a realist portrait of a lion on his inner thigh, one of the few places left with room on the veteran’s body. The lion had, for some odd reason, a pink mane.
Several members of the alleged cult Complete Abandon tried to follow suit, but could not afford Hoode’s high hourly rate.
- Tobias Tucker has begun a viral marketing campaign for an upcoming PPV sponsored by his new promotion Southern Heritage of Wrestling. Double T, as he prefers to be called, partnered with MAX KAEL’s little known marketing company to push out videos on all major social platforms filled with scenes of bloody gore transposed with classic Southern imagery. The videos have caused quite a stir within the online wrestling community. Many have criticized the final scene of the video in which one loyal fan willingly gets branded with the companies’ logo (SHoW) at a house show.
Double T has promised an electrifying event filled with everything from circus freaks to Australians. So far he has a number of competitors signed up from major promotions such as sVo and DEFIANCE, as well as many other smaller promotions with wrestlers eager to carve a name for themselves into an opponents’ forehead. His words. Hopefully they have short names as Coral Avalon is reported to have declined numerous invitations.
The date has yet to be finalized, but it is expected to be a two-day card with the inaugural deathmatch tournament crowning “God of the Deathmatches”. Double T said they’re workshopping the name, but his company expects to produce the initial bracket by end of the week.
“Bring your raincoats, cause it’s gonna be a frog-strangler of blood!” replied Double T when asked for closing comments.
- Following his gifting of Kulikov the Dog and the War Games Russian Nesting Dolls to Ivan Stanislav and Alexei Ruslan, respectively, Maximilian Wilhelm Kael has reportedly been securing additional gifts for members of his War Games team. The nature of these gifts is at present unknown but given the Mad Max’s predilection for the unusual, they should be memorable.
There has also been considerable debate as to the reaction of former Universal Champion and War Games Co-Captain, Ivan Stanislav to his gift: the Moscow Watch Dog, Kulikov. The dog, rescued from the Arkham Animal Shelter and BBQ, has been forwarded to Ivan’s Russian office.
- Reports indicate Vickie Hall was ecstatic after Ivan and JCH won their tag team match at ReVival. She took the entire Red Army out for a delicious dinner at KFC and had Jonathan-Christopher Hall pay for it!
- Though this sounds like it would be more at home in the Rumor Mills, RIA and Sid Phillips were seen walking out of a local restaurant together. The two were holding hands while RIA excitedly yammered on about a random selection of topics. Many viewers of PRIME are said to be happy the two have finally made things official.
- From the horse’s mouth, we got news! A very handsome horse, perhaps some kind of Palomino, a gorgeous beast with beautiful golden fur. We got a quote from Chandler Tsonda about WarGames, is actually what could have lead this story.
“I gotta do better,” the Model Citizen said during his media availability this past weekend, following ReVival 42. “Hanlon is a beast. But I can’t go out there and get beat like that. Just unacceptable. Didn’t do my WarGames team any favors. Just gotta do better.”
Tsonda was more open and optimistic on the topic of his WarGames team: “I’m looking forward to linking up with those dudes, and all of us putting together a series of W’s on the way to Culture Shock. I can’t think of a better way to be part of history than to go into the supershow on the team of the goddamn PRIME Universal Champion. I don’t know Sykes, but I like the cut of his jib, and I like his chances. I’m not telling tales when I say that the two people who gave Julien his tightest sphincter moments over the past year are Ivan, and yours truly. So if Sykes wants any of what I learned when I came a hair’s breadth from taking FLAMBO’s Intense Title and his streak, I’m an open book. Hope he gets it done.”
- The Revelator Don Winters has told us he’s feeling buoyed not only by his performance on Rev 42, but also his War Games prospects with the Bandits. He’s said that the addition of Bobby Dean adds a real leadership and cohesiveness to the team, and coupled with he and Daytona’s escapades in corralling Coral has seemingly paid dividends as Culture Shock looms large at the end of March.
- The Anglo Luchador was rushed to University of Pennsylvania hospital after the main event of ReVival 42. Obviously, he has not been cleared for action at ReVival 43. It remains to be seen if he will be cleared for any matches before Culture Shock, but doctors are confident he will be able to make it to War Games.
- There are those who believe that between Cecilworth Farthington losing the 5 Star Championship and the mysterious events surrounding the Guite (Glabana? Gleeting Room? Glommon Area?) that the Glue Boiz are in trouble.
There’s no follow-up, other than FLAMBO’s apparent response to this question (“are the Glue Boiz in trouble?”): “………non.”
- Adam Ellis caught up with PRIME President and CEO Lindsay Troy when she visited Missouri Valley Wrestling Tuesday night for their Wrestling Night in the Heartland show. Ellis was on hand to wrestle Luke Woods of the Sports Entertainment Corporation in a #1 contender’s match and picked up the win in a tough match. The win means Ellis will challenge “Redneck” Bill Dickinson on February 20th for the MVW Title.
- Images of Vickie Hall have been appearing all over Russia State Media over the past few days, with many Russian pundits calling her a “Goodwill Ambassador for America.”
Said Russia One International Sports Correspondent Olga Karishnikov: “One needs to only look at Vickie Hall to see all of America encapsulated in one tight package. From the fashion to the hair to the voice. Who else could represent America any better?”
Posters (some might call them propaganda posters) of Stanislav and Hall have been appearing all over Russia and the campaign seems to only be ramping up as time goes by. However, we have not been able to find a single poster depicting Jonathan-Christopher Hall.
When asked about the absence of Stanislav’s ReVival 42 tag partner, the Russia Bear had this to say: “There are great many posters with JCH in Yeniseysk. What more do you people want?”
Yeniseysk is one of the most desolate villages in all of Russia, smack dab in the middle of Siberia.
- Kerry Kuroyama was reportedly dealt a hard swerve by the cold open of ReVival 42.
Upon the announcement that a fully represented Vae Victis team would be participating in the War Games, he was seen backstage hooting joyously and high-fiveing everyone in sight. Of course, after the statement was walked back, one or two tables mighta got flipped. And five or six Enemigos mighta had to pull him off some poor production assistant who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Though it could just be he’s unhappy that Scott Hunter was yet again snubbed from the (horrendously named) Unquestionably PRETTY PINK Army of Victis.
- Following his stint in rehab, it seems that Daytona Diamonds is already making moves to advance his career to the next level. Reports are saying that Daytona is in talks with Tomcat Talent, a well-regarded agency based out of New York City. It appears that Daytona has accepted a meeting with their team prior to ReVival 43.
Daytona had this to say: “Listen, I’m just ’bout fine with representin’ myself nowadays, but when the real big money movers start knockin’ on your door, sayin’ they’re gonna move mountains just to make you a god dang star? Boy, you better turn that knob and see what they gotta say. Jet skis don’t grow on trees, baby, and a wrasslin’ salary don’t do much for my expensive taste. Say, you know if Troy’s gonna let up on these fines soon…?”
We wish Daytona all the best with his business dealings.
- And finally, Lindsay Troy’s office has released the damage report from the Philadelphia Street Fight between Cancer Jiles and the Anglo Luchador:
– Two stadium Miller Lite Beers: $30
– One ruined concession stand: $10,321.44 ($10,000, plus production costs)
– One fountain Coke machine: $2,999.95
– Therapy for three Wells Fargo employees after walking past Bobby Dean’s doorless bathroom stall: $7,800 ($100 per session, 26 sessions each employee, 3 employees)
– One bathroom stall door: $254 (including labor)
– Commercial toilet: $500 (including installation and labor [Bobby used it])
– Bathroom mirror: $2,100 (including labor and custom glass cutting)
– Soft prezel machine: $499
– 1975 Stanley Cup replica: $0 (because fuck that team, they’re worthless)
– Broken pane of glass: $750 (includes custom fitting)
– Hole in the wall: $348.38 (includes drywall repair)
– Broken door: $89.84 (includes new upper hinge)
– Six barstools: $1,055.88 (@ $175.98 each)
– iPad: $900
– 20 beer glasses: $65 (@ $3.25 each)
– Sweet and Low container: $5.99
– All the liquor bottles: $578 (it’s Philly, they use the cheap shit)
– Key fob for a BMW X5: $800
– Three bar room tables: $1,050
– Industrial biohazard cleaning for biological waste: $10,000
GRAND TOTAL: $39,647.48
Upon seeing the bill, the Queen commented, “Jiles got stabbed with a fork. Totally worth it.”