1 Nova vs. 8 Cancer Jiles
Richard Parker: Well, it’s time for everyone to go home now.
Nick Stuart: Richard, we still have one more match to go. And it’s the main event.
Richard Parker: Does anyone really want to watch this match?
Nick Stuart: I think everyone here and everyone at home watching does.
Richard Parker: And what do they know?
Nick Stuart: They pay your checks.
Richard Parker: I rest my case!
Vince Howard: The following match is a ONE FALL, SECOND ROUND match in the Almasy Tournament and is the MAIN EVENT for the night!
Vince Howard: Introducing first!
The lights inside the MGM Grand Garden Arena slowly draw to a dim. Smoke begins to billow, and completely engulfs the entrance ramp. The temperature drops. The air chills.
Suddenly, an invigorating, pulsating, reverberating, electric guitar riff raucously riffs its way throughout space and time.
It. Is. loud.
Even louder than it was last week.
The spotlight clangs on and illuminates the fogged entrance way. The spotlight is in the shape of an egg. Screaming Jay Hawkins, author, singer, creator of “I am the cool” begins to sing…
I’m the one your mama warned you about
When you see me, I will leave you no doubt
I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth
I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth
Out from behind the curtain he emerges.
I am the cool.
Nick Stuart: Wait. That’s Bobby Dean! What’s he doing out here!?
Nick isn’t wrong. Bobby Dean does in fact emerge from behind the curtain, and even his girth is visible amongst the cloud of smoke. As for what the Beaute from Honalee is doing out here, well he’s holding a horse leading rope.
Nick Stuart: Is that a horse?
Again, the always astute Nick isn’t wrong. In fact, it’s a white horse, and on top of the powderish steed sits the man the music is all about.
Vince Howard: Being led down to the ring atop his glorious high horse named Cocaine… from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania… weighing two hundred and twenty pounds, and standing six feet and one half inches tall. He is a stale Pudding survivor. He is known in South America as El Terminablo de les COOLAS. He is ready to dance amongst the stars, and move on to round three of the Almasy Invitational. The Hunter of Bounties. COOLYMPUS’ own, Cannnncerrrrrrrrrrr, JILES!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Count of COOLsylvania receives somewhat of a mixed reaction from the PRIME faithful in attendance. More boo’s than cheers, though. It doesn’t seem to bother him as he confidently trots his way down to the ring. Once there he hops off his high horse, and instructs Bobby to take his things as well Cocaine to the back. He then slides under the bottom ring rope, and poses for all to see.
Nick Stuart: Jiles looks ready. However, looking and being are two entirely different things.
Richard Parker: I don’t even know what I just saw and I demand we never talk about it again.
Nick Stuart: But Richard—
Richard Parker: DEMAND!
Vince Howard: And his opponent!
“Maggot Brain” by Funkadelic rips through the MGM Grand and everyone immediately rises to their feet. From the back emerges the Risen Star, the Starchild, Nova.
NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA!
Vince Howard: Hailing from Parts Unknown, weighing in at two-hundred-and-forty-pounds and standing at six feet and three inches tall, he is a former PRIME Universal Champion and a ONE SEED in the Almasy Tournament. He is… NOVA!
Nova makes his way down the ramp, his eyes focused intensely on his opponent before he slides in under the bottom rope and makes his way to his corner.
Richard Parker: Nova looking like all business right now.
Nick Stuart: Lots of pressure on his shoulders tonight, being a fan-favorite and also wanting to make sure he meets the fans expectations.
Richard Parker: I couldn’t do it.
Nick Stuart: Trust me, we all know.
Jiles walks back and forth as Timo Bolamba ensures each fighter is ready before signaling for the start of the match.
Nick Stuart: And our main event is underway here between Nova and Cancer Jiles!
Richard Parker: I’m not sure if it pains me more to support Nova or Cancer (wretches), nope, can’t do it.
Nick Stuart: That was lovely, considering I’m sitting right next to you. What isn’t lovely is how Cancer Jiles has shot out of his corner and managed to tackle Nova to the mat before he begins to slam fist after fist on him!
Richard Parker: Oh let them fight Timo, let Cancer whoop Nova’s ass— GAH! What am I saying?!
Nick Stuart: I wonder that every night we work together.
Nova covers up from the shots that Jiles unloaded on him as Timo forces Jiles back. Nova makes his way up to his feet and Jiles decides to try and tackle Nova to the mat once again, but Nova manages to leap frog him which sends Jiles crashing into the corner. Nova immediately spins around and connects with a release German Suplex that sends the ‘COOL’ one across the ring. Nova makes his way up to his feet and catches Jiles with a stiff chop across the chest that causes Cancer to grab at his chest in agony. Nova yanks down Jiles hands and connects with another knife-edge chop that brings tears to the eyes of Cancer Jiles.
Jiles then fires back with one of his own, but receives a stiff headbutt from Nova for his troubles. Nova assists the ‘COOL’ one up to his feet, slamming his knee into his midsection, before whipping him off the ropes, and connecting with a textbook-example dropkick. Jiles scrambles back up to his feet and turns right into Nova hoisting him onto his shoulders, his right arm hooked across the neck of Jiles.
Richard Parker: Wait, is this match about to be over?!
Nick Stuart: The Hall of Famer has Jiles up for the Bourbon for Breakfast, but Jiles manages to slam his elbow into the side of Nova’s face a few times to cause Nova to drop him onto the mat.
Richard Parker: That would’ve been embarassing for Jiles.
Nick Stuart: And now Jiles is up on his feet and has managed to roll Nova up into a cover! ONE!
Richard Parker: Oh dear God, no.
Nick Stuart: TWO!
Richard Parker: Hell on Earth is about to arrive.
Nick Stuart: And Nova manages to get his right shoulder up just in the nick of time.
Richard Parker: Oh God, I think I had a heart attack.
Nova scrambles up to his feet and is caught with an eye rake that causes Timo Bolamba to get in the face of Jiles, admonishing him for his behavior. Cancer laughs it off as he slams his knee into the midsection of Nova and connects with a gutwrench slam. Jiles bounces back up to his feet, bounces off the ropes, and drops a knee across the face of The Risen Star. He rolls around on the mat, grabbing at his face while Jiles drops another knee, this time across the back of his opponent.
Jiles lifts Nova off of the mat and connects with a stiff jab to the face and pushes him into the corner where he slams his knee forearm across his face. Timo warns him to get out of the corner, but Jiles ignores him before whipping him as hard as he possibly can across the ring. Nova slams backfirst into the opposite corner and stumbles out of the corner before ducking under a clothesline from Jiles and reaching back to slam him to the mat with a neckbreaker that leaves both men in the middle of the ring.
Nick Stuart: Nova’s experience pulling him out of it there as he instinctively reached out and dropped Jiles with that neckbreaker.
Richard Parker: Look, I’m going to need Nova to just end this match already because I can’t be part of a company where Cancer Jiles makes it to the next round of this tournament.
Nick Stuart: Not only to the next round of the tournament, but a guaranteed Universal Championship shot, no matter what.
Richard Parker: Oh God, I’m about to be sick.
Nova rolls over onto his knees while Jiles slowly sits up. Both men stare at one another and begin to trade punches from a seated position. Nova, the larger of the two men, eventually gets the better of Jiles and slams his head into Jiles, sending the COOL one crashing to the mat once again (though not as far this time). Nova makes his way up to his feet and slams his boot across the chest of his opponent before yanking him off of the mat and connecting with a snap suplex. Jiles fights his way up to his feet and is met with a stiff forearm from Nova who then whips Cancer across the ring and kicks him in the midsection before planting him in the center of the ring with a double-arm DDT.
NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA!
The Starchild then rolls over Jiles and goes for the pin as Timo Bolamba slides into position.
LEFT SHOULDER UP!
Richard Parker: GAH! Why won’t Jiles just stay down?! He’s not that cool, is he?!
Nick Stuart: You might be going around the bend, partner.
Richard Parker: What? This isn’t some kind of western, Nick. Snap out of it!
Nick Stuart: You are off the deep end.
Nova begins to pull Jiles off of the mat only for the COOL one to pull him in for an inside cradle pinfall!
Jiles and Nova start scrambling to their feet, with Nova going for a jab, but Jiles ducks underneath it and slams his thumb into Nova’s eye. Timo begins to yell at Jiles once again, but Cancer slams his forearm into his opponent’s face, knees him in the midsection, and connects with a snap suplex of his own. Jiles drags Nova back up to his feet and slams his fist across the face of the Starchild, dropping Nova to one knee. Jiles bounces off the ropes and slams his knee across the face of Nova, sending the hall of famer to the mat. Jiles drags Nova to the middle of the ring and bounces off the ropes multiple times, leaping over Nova each time until he slowly struts towards Nova, stands over him, and gives him a double bird.
Cancer Jiles: FUCK YOU, YOU’RE BARELY A STAR! YOU’RE MORE LIKE A NOVA-E!
Richard Parker: He does know that… Novae… is bigger than a Nova, right?
Nick Stuart: Who taught you science?!
Richard Parker: I paid attention!
Nick Stuart: Sure, sure.
Richard Parker: Look, Mrs. Thompson was hot.
Nick Stuart: Bingo.
Jiles than casually walks away from Nova as he looks out at the fans, sticks his hands in his pockets, and poses his best GQ pose.
He looks out at the crowds and gives them double birds as well.
Cancer Jiles: FUCK YOU! I’M COOL! I SAW YOU LAST WEEK PUTTING BOBBY’S SANDWICH IN YOUR TOP! YOU’RE NOT COOLER THAN ME!
Cancer Jiles: FINALLY! YOU FINALLY REALIZE A GOD BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!
Nick Stuart: I don’t think Cancer realizes what’s happening.
Richard Parker: Nope, nope. He does not.
Cancer steps backwards, waving at the fans to cheer for him louder. Except, they’re not cheering for him.
They’re cheering for the man that Cancer has bumped into.
Cancer turns around, shocked by the presence of someone else standing. He comes face-to-face with Nova.
Cancer falls down and begins to scramble back up to his feet, but Nova catches him with a stiff jab to the jaw, pushing Jiles into the ropes in the process. Nova lands another punch and then another one until he whips Cancer off the ropes and connects with a flying forearm across the face of the COOL one. Cancer frantically gets back to his feet only to be met with a hard kick to the midsection which is followed up with a corkscrew cradle suplex.
Nick Stuart: In-NOVA-tor! That might be it for Jiles!
Richard Parker: Hoyt willing.
Richard Parker: Hoyt WHY?!
Nick Stuart: Jiles JUST gets the kickout on Nova.
Richard Parker: No time to be wasting, get him!
Nick Stuart: You are such an odd creature.
Nova makes his way up to his feet and drags Cancer up with him only for the COOL one to slam his fist into the solarplex of the former Universal Champion. Nova stumbles backwards to one knee while Jiles bounces off the ropes. As he returns though, Nova explodes and hits him with a rising clothesline.
Nova’s momentum sends him crashing into the ropes and he uses it to hold himself up, sweat pouring down his face while he watches Jiles make his way up to his feet. He then runs full speed at Jiles and connects with a leg drop bulldog.
Nick Stuart: Dying Star Drop! Could this be it?!
Richard Parker: Hoyt, I’ve never prayed to you before, but please Hoyt, please.
Nova goes for the cover.
Richard Parker: Hoyt! You let him get his right shoulder up! Why?!
Nick Stuart: Nova giving it everything he’s got to make it to the next round, but Jiles putting up a fight and then some.
Nova slowly makes his way to his knees, his chest heaving, while exhaustion is setting up. He fights his way up to his feet, the fans making their intentions clear.
NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA!
Nova walks over to Jiles and lifts him up off the ground and puts him up on his shoulders.
Nick Stuart: Nova’s going for the Bourbon for Breakfast! If he hits this, it’s all over!
Nova tries to keep Jiles up there, but the COOL one fights his way off the shoulders of the former champion. Nova turns around, eyes focused on finding Jiles, and never sees it coming.
Richard Parker: No, no, no, HOYT, no.
Nick Stuart: Terminal Cancer out of NOWHERE! Nova is down and OUT!
Richard Parker: Are you relishing this?
Nick Stuart: Absolutely not.
Richard Parker: May Hoyt strike you where you sit!
Jiles collapses onto Nova as Timo slides into position.
Fans watch in horror, hands over their face.
Jiles grabs the tights of Nova for good measure, unbeknownst to Timo!
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Your winner… and advancing to the third round… CANCER! JILES!
Nick Stuart: And Jiles has done it! He has defeated Nova! He is on to the next round.
Richard Parker: Oh I’m going to be so sick.
Nick Stuart: This isn’t the result anyone in the audience wanted to see, but Jiles managed to pull it off.
Richard Parker: Stop. Talking.
Nick Stuart: And not only has Jiles won, he’s earned himself a guaranteed Universal Championship shot!
Richard Parker: I blame Troy for this. This is all her fault.
Jiles slowly makes his way up to his feet and looks around, in shock. Timo Bolamba reaches to raise Jiles hand, but Jiles pushes him away and raises his hands himself. He opens his arms wide as he looks out at the crowd, unable to believe what just went down.
Cancer Jiles: I’M THE GREATEST! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! NOT YOU, YOU LOOK GROSS!
Nick Stuart: Needless to say, Cancer Jiles is going to be obnoxious moving forward.
Richard Parker: Moving forward?! Have you NOT seen this man?!
Nick Stuart: And it’s probably going to be worse from here.
Richard Parker: I hate my life. This is worse than watching the Human Centipede movie.
Nick Stuart: GROSS! You watched that?!
Richard Parker: Don’t change the subject! We’ve just witness the unthinkable.
Jiles rolls out of the ring, laughing at the fans in their face, kissing a girl in the front row that may be blind and has no idea what is going on, and tries to steal a baby from a couple before deciding the baby smells. Cancer runs around, his arms extended above his head as he has done the unthinkable; beat Nova.
Cancer runs towards the ramp. He pumps his fists into the air.
Cancer Jiles: I AM THE CHAMPION! I AM THE GREATEST!
Nick Stuart: Well, we might be here for a while.
Richard Parker: Just end the show. Everyone go home. This is probably the end of PRIME anyways.
Nick Staurt: For my morose co-host, I’m Nick Stuart. See you next week for ReVival 4!
Richard Parker: cries
Meanwhile, Cancer continues to celebrate on the ramp, convinced he’s just won the Universal Championship, while Nova sits up in the middle of the ring, rubbing his jaw, and staring out at the fans in disbelief.