2BECOME1 vs. eGG BANDITS
Nick Stuart: We’ve got a tag team battle coming up next, ladies and gentlemen! 2Become1 will meet The eGG Bandits for the opportunity to advance in the ranks of PRIME’s highly competitive tag team division!
Richard Parker: And let’s keep it highly competitive. We already got one Bandit bozo carrying PRIME championship gold. I shudder to think of all three of them getting there.
Nick Stuart: Of course, two weeks ago we bore witness to the shocking return of the 2Become1, consisting of the Halls, Darin Zion, and newcomer Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy, whose debut we saw just minutes ago. But can the team of Bobby Dean and Doozer stop this LOVE CONVOY before it even leaves the station?
“Banditstruck” hits the PA. The MGM Grand Garden Arena fills with the egg-scruciating sound of jeers as Bobby Dean and Doozer step through the curtain. The Deaner is all smiles while the invisible Bostonian glares angrily into the crowd. They pump arms side-by-side at the top of the ramp before making their way down to the ring.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a tag team match scheduled for one fall! Coming now to the ring, at a combined weight of six-hundred and thirty-three pounds… the team of “Beautiful” Bobby Dean and Doozer! Here are THE EEEEEGG BAAAANDIIITS!!
Nick Stuart: I’m sure Bobby and Dooze are thinking they have something to prove tonight, as not to be completely outshined by fellow Bandit and reigning Universal Champion, Cancer Jiles!
Richard Parker: This guys couldn’t outshine a shadow, Nick! The only shine coming off Bobby is the glare of off his oil-soaked gut, and as we all know, all light just passed through Doozer.
Nick Stuart: Be as it may, these two aren’t walking into the unknown tonight, having tangled with the likes of Hall and Zion before. Arguably, the Bandits were the ones that put them on hiatus.
Richard Parker: Hopefully they flip the script tonight. Although, this is Darin Zion and Jonathan-Christopher Hall we’re talking about.
“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls overtakes the PA system. The crowd reaction doesn’t change. Hand in hand, Jonathan-Christopher and Vickie Hall emerge and briefly wave to the crowd, but can’t go long without taking their eyes off each other. Then Darin Zion, helmsmen of the LOVE CONVOY, sweeps in around them, twisting a steering wheel out ahead of him.
Vince Howard: And their opponents, at a combined weight of four-hundred and forty-five pounds, and accompanied to the ring by Vickie Hall… the team of “REAL LOVE” Darin Zion… Jonathan-Christopher Hall! The Hallmark Journey Proudly Presents: TWO… BECOME… OOONNNEEE!!
Richard Parker: Oh no… some idiot in the back handed Darin a mic…
“HHHOOOOOOONNNNKK!!! HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HOOONK! HONK! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HONKHONKHONK HOOOOOOOONKK!! HHHHOOOONK!! HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HONK! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HHHHOOOONK!! HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HONK!”
Richard Parker: Please stop.
“HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HONKHONKHONK HOOOOOOOONKK!! HHHHOOOONK!! HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HONK! HONKHONKHONK HOOOOOOOONKK!! HHHHOOOONK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HHHOOOOOOONNNNKK!!! HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!!”
Richard Parker: Please… PLEASE stop.
“HONKHONKHONK HOOOOOOOONKK!! HHHHOOOONK!! HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HONK! HONKHONKHONK HOOOOOOOONKK!! HHHHOOOONK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HHHOOOOOOONNNNKK!!! HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!!”
Richard Parker: God in Heaven, I will give you anything–ANYTHING–to end this right now.
“HOOONK!! HONK! HONKHONKHONK HOOOOOOOONKK!! HHHHOOOONK!! HHHOOOOOOONNNNKK!!! HHOOO–”
The house cuts the mic, and the fans cheer with gratitude.
Richard Parker: Thank you, Lord…
Then Darin pulls out a megaphone.
Richard Parker: NO!
“HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HONK! HONKHONKHONK HOOOOOOOONKK!! HHHHOOOONK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HHHOOOOOOONNNNKK!!! HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!!”
Richard Parker: STOP!
“HHHOOOOOOONNNNKK!!! HHOOOOONNKK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOONNNNNKK!!! HOOOOOOONK!! HOOONK!! HOOONK! HONK! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HONKHONKHONK HOOOOOOOONKK!! HHHHOOOONK!! HHOOOOONNKK!!”
Richard Parker: STOP IT NOW!
“HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKK!!!”
Richard Parker: HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE INSANE?! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!!
“HOOONK!! HONK! HONKHONKHONK HOOOOOOOONKK!! HHHHOOOONK!! HONK HONK HOOOOOON–”
Presiding official Elvis Nixon finally and mercifully confiscates the megaphone as a foreign object and tells REAL LOVE to stop screwing around. By now, 2Become1 occupy the ring, standing across from the Bandits. Both teams begin readying themselves for action.
Nick Stuart: Okay over there, partner?
Richard Parker: …I’ll live. But if that idiot tries anything like that again, I’m not sure he will.
Nick Stuart: Well you’ll be happy to know he’s the The Bandits’ problem now, as official Elvis Nixon gives the cue to the timekeeper to begin the match!
DING DING
After a quick convo, Hall elects to start on behalf of 2Become1. But he freezes the moment he turns around and sees Bobby standing across the ring. Bobby doesn’t notice him for now; he’s preoccupied with scratching a rash in his navel. Jonathan-Christopher’s lip quivers. His face turns white. Traumatic memories of their last encounter flood his mind.
Nick Stuart: What’s happening right now? The bell is rung, but Jonathan-Christopher Hall is suddenly looking like he’s gotten cold feet!
Richard Parker: And Bobby doesn’t even seem aware the match has begun. Probably heard the bell and thought it was his microwave going off…
Hall twirls around and tags out to Zion. Darin briefly gives him a quizzical look before boldly stepping through the ropes. He whispers words of support into Hall’s ear as the Vow of Virtue steps out to the apron, where he’s immediately besieged by Vickie. Meanwhile, Bobby looks up to notice that his opponents have swapped out, and somehow digs up the motivation to get ready to rumble.
With a head full of steam, Darin charges across the ring and plants his shoulder square into the Deaner’s chest… only to be thrown back and sent into a roll as if he’d run himself into a brick wall. Bobby just stands there, hands on his wide hips, absolutely unphased.
Nick Stuart: Zion with the shoulder… but gets nothing!
Richard Parker: The Irritating Force meets the Insatiable Object.
Undeterred, Zion pops to his feet and takes another stab at it, this time with a bounce off the ropes for a dash of added momentum. His shoulder goes into Dean’s sternum, a bit more forcefully. But it’s the same result: Darin is sent sprawling backwards once again. Bobby wavers back maybe an inch or two, but otherwise stands his ground.
Zion pops to his feet again, studying the immobile blob who smirks back at him from across the ring. He looks appealing to his corner, but Jonathan-Christopher Hall is somewhere miles away right now. Undeterred, Zion backs himself into the corner, wipes his feet like a bull waiting to charge, bursts out into a full-on sprint, and–
POW!
…runs himself face-first into a fist at the end of Bobby’s outstretched arm.
Nick Stuart: Oof! The LOVE CONVOY runs into roadblock in the shape of the near three-hundred and seventy pound Bobby Dean!
Richard Parker: What’s the definition of insanity again? Repeating the same actions while expecting different results? That’s Zion right now.
Nick Stuart: Be as it may, Darin Zion’s zeal cannot be understated. But it might cost him in this moment, as Bobby finally puts his mass into motion and takes a bounce off the ropes!
Richard Parker: Must’ve got a whiff of pizza from that direction…
Nick Stuart: Dean, going for the LEGDROP–NO!! Zion rolls out of the way before his head can be crushed beneath the thunderous thigh of Bobby Dean!
Bobby’s face fills with pain as his massive undercarriage lands on nothing but canvas. Zion, still shaking out the cobwebs, scrambles up to his feet and capitalizes with a series of stiff kicks to Dean’s exposed chest while he still sits on the mat. Bobby doesn’t fall over, but lingers there stunned. Darin hits the ropes again, raising his fist and sharply bringing it back down to simulate a truck horn.
“HONK!! HOONNK!! HOOOOONK!!”
Richard Parker: I have a headache…
Nick Stuart: Zion off the ropes… Running Dropkick right to Dean’s face finally puts him on his back! Darin going for the cover!
ONE!
TWO!
NO!
Bobby doesn’t so much kick out as much as he just shoves Zion off of him, getting his greasy hand into Real Love’s face and squeezing in a half-assed eye rake in the process. Official Elvis Nixon attempts to admonish him, but Bobby is already gator-rolling himself over to the corner and instinctively reaching out his arm.
Though he can’t see it, Nixon hears hands slap, and presumes a tag has been made.
Nick Stuart: Tag made to Doozer as Bobby dips out!
Richard Parker: Don’t mention “dip” around that slob, Nick. We don’t need potato chips and sour cream all over the ring.
Zion is back up, but Dooze catches him with a boot to the gut, following through with a Gutwrench Suplex that almost sorta looks like a forward flip onto his back by Darin for those watching at home. Moments later, Zion magically levitates several feet off the mat more a moment before crashing down again face first when gravity suddenly takes hold.
Nick Stuart: Military Press by the Boston Bruiser! Now with the pin!
ONE!
TWO!
Zion kicks out!
Dooze doesn’t let Zion get far, stripping him off the mat and throwing him into the Bandits corner before tagging back out to Bobby. The Deaner (reluctantly) comes back through the ropes and proceeds to lay into Zion with a lazy, though still effective, avalanche splash, crushing REAL LOVE up against the turnbuckles!
Dean follows through by grabbing Darin by the head and performing perhaps the most impressive move in his repertoire that only exists there because it involves his only talent: falling.
Nick Stuart: Reverse STO by Bobby, who practically smothers Darin into a pin!
ONE!
TWO!
ZION GETS THE SHOULDER UP! I think he could use a tag out right about now!
Richard Parker: Yeah, except every time Jonathan-Christopher Hall sets his eyes on Bobby Dean, he looks like he’s about to blow chunks all over the place. Which is perfectly natural, JC. No judgment coming from here.
Satisfied with his gains, figurative and literal, Dean decides it’s time for another break as he tags out to Doozer. The Old Bull hits the mat and drops the rising Zion with a running shoulder block. DZ’s face tells the story of how many hits he’s taken, but Dooze diligently stays on him and stuffs his head under his arm.
Zion desperately pushes off the balls of his feet and attempts to bull into his corner, reaching out for a tag. He ALMOST makes it, but JC is too busy staring ashen-faced at the blubbery wonder out on the apron across from him. Doozer instead lays an elbow into his spine, readjusts the hold, and bulldogs REAL LOVE onto his face!
Nick Stuart: Bulldog by the Boston Bruiser, rolling Darin onto his back and hooking the leg!
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT by Darin Zion! But how much longer can he hold out?
Richard Parker: Don’t tell me all that HONK-ing has helped out his endurance…
Dooze grabs Zion by the hair as he hauls him up and leads him back to the corner, reaching for Bobby to the tag. This time, it’s Bobby zoning out: there actually is a pizza out there in the front row! Doozer calls for attention, but…
Zion’s elbow hits him in the ribs.
Darin dives for his corner, doing what DZ does best…
“HHHHOOOOONNNNNKKK!!!”
…and the sound snaps the Timid Tiger to attention, just in time to receive the tag.
Nick Stuart: THERE is the tag, and in comes Jonathan-Christopher Hall, who hits the ring like a house on fire!
Richard Parker: It only took the world’s most obnoxious noise in the history of recorded civilization to wake him up out of his trance!
Hall’s feet don’t stop moving as he drops Dooze with a lariat. And another. And another. Finally, JC scoops him up onto his shoulder and drops him into a Fireman’s Carry Gutbuster that nearly breaks the almost quinquagenarian in half!
Jonathan-Christopher is huffing with energy. He looks to his Amazing Life Partner outside, who is holding back tears and beaming with pride. He–they–are really doing it!
Richard Parker: Are you feeling the LOVE, Nick?
Nick Stuart: I think the LOVE CONVOY is moving at full speed, partner! And Jonathan-Christopher Hall’s LOVE must be strong, as he daring takes himself higher!
By Vickie’s bequest, Jonathan-Christopher begins to climb the turnbuckle, intent on proving his commitment to his Amazing Life Partner. Dooze is slowly coming to as he perches himself on the top rope…
And MOONSAULTS OFF!
Nick Stuart: HE’S ALL THAT!!
Only for Doozer to leap up and POWERSLAM HIM out of the air!
Richard Parker: Naah he ain’t.
Nick Stuart: Missed opportunity going for the high-angle moonsault! Now Doozer has the chance he needs to tag out to Bobby Dean!
Dean gingerly steps through the ropes as quick as a man precariously close to four-hundred pounds can and advances, but Nixon immediately stops him in his tracks. The official points to his hand, where he clearly has a foreign object.
Nick Stuart: Where did he get that slice of pizza?!
Richard Parker: I knew he smelled something earlier!
The ref orders him to get rid of it. Bobby, obviously, refuses. Elvis tries to snatch it out of his hand, but Dean’s grip doesn’t break. Nixon pulls one way. Bobby pulls the other. A tug-o-war battle commences over a triangle of pepperoni and mozz.
Finally, years of accumulated butter on the bulbous Bandit’s fingers cause his grip to fail, and–
SPLAT.
Elvis Nixon gets a faceful of pizza!
Richard Parker: You’ve got to be kidding me…
Nick Stuart: Elvis Nixon just got pizza pie-faced! The official is BLIND!
Nixon tears at the mess of melted cheese and pepperoni grease on his face. Bobby takes a moment to grieve the lost slice before smiling sheepishly to his corner. On cue, the Old Bull is quickly back into the ring.
Nick Stuart: Doozer is right back in, now that official Elvis Nixon can’t see what’s happening!
Richard Parker: If he could see him to begin with…
Nick Stuart: Never put it past the eGG Bandits to jump on an opportunity when it presents itself!
Dooze peels Jonathan-Christopher up, only to put him back to the canvas with a ring-rumbling spinebuster! He rolls out of the way just as Bobby moves in and throws himself into the air, coming down across Hall’s chest with a grotesque body splash that leaves only the head and feet of the Forever Man visible!
Bobby doesn’t immediately get up. When it becomes apparent that he can’t on his own power, Doozer graciously lifts him up to his feet again. Then, the stomps ensue. JCH curls up and covers his face as the Bandits kick away at his prone body from both sides.
Nick Stuart: We’ve got a double-team situation now as the eGG Bandits bring on a bruising to the defenseless Jonathan-Christopher Hall!
Richard Parker: All while Elvis deals with his sticky situation! These idiots are getting away with highway robbery!
Finally, Doozer, arguably the competent half of this tandem, decides Hall has been sufficiently stomped to a pulp and orders Bobby to finish. They bend over to pick him back up… then freeze, the moment they spot someone on the apron.
Nick Stuart: Uh-oh… VICKIE HALL!
Vickie Hall is there, distraught and shrieking, half pleading and half demanding that these ruffians cease their assault. Doozer, oozing with chad energy, completely blows her off…
But Bobby’s face fills with hungry euphoria. His powdered cheese-coated index finger finds his bellybutton. His blueberry popsicle-stained tongue slips out and laps around his crumb-slathered lips in a hypnotic, slow-moving circle.
Vickie Hall just stares at him. Paralzyed in revulsion. In horror.
Richard Parker: Get out of there, Vickie! You don’t know what these animals are capable of!
Bobby slowly advances upon her, completely deaf to the calls to attention from Dooze, who stands waiting with Jonathan-Christopher in his arms.
Hall’s eyes flutter into focus. He sees Vickie. He sees Bobby. He sees the lasciviously licking tongue and the navel-probing finger. And then Jonathan-Christopher sees red. Passionate, heart-pounding red.
Doozer is caught off guard when JCH suddenly bursts back to life and shoves him off. The Boston Bruiser stumbles, and…
Nick Stuart: BAN HAMMER BY ZION, OUTTANOWHERE!!
Dooze and Darin roll over the top rope off the discus clothesline, and in a flash, the Vow of Virtue explodes into action. Dean is spun around and immediately beset by a furious barrage of rights and lefts from Jonathan-Christopher Hall.
Richard Parker: Whoa! Watch out, Beauty, cause this stud has discovered BEAST MODE! Where is all this rage coming from all of a sudden?
Nick Stuart: Something has snapped inside of Jonathan-Christopher Hall! He is absolutely lighting up Bobby Dean!
POW! A right hook puts Bobby into a pirouet. Hall grabs him from behind and LIFTS…
Nick Stuart: Wait… IS HE…?
Bobby’s feet rise an INCH off the mat… before touching back down to the canvas a moment later.
Richard Parker: Nope! Sorry to disappoint you, Vickie, but as it turns out, your boy can’t get it up!
JCH’s face is a mask of agony while Bobby breathes a sigh of relief. Hall looks to the outside, at the tear-streaked face of his Amazing Life Partner. He plants his feet. He grits his teeth. He strains every muscle in his body. He lifts with all the insurmountable power of LOVE that a human being can possibly muster…
…
…and miraculously, Bobby is lifted up. Because…
“HOOOOONNNKKK!!!”
Nick Stuart: ZION IS THERE!!
Richard Parker: What?! This is Darin-SANE!
Hall hoists Dean from beneath one arm while Zion takes up the weight on the other side. The partner’s lock eyes, and the TWO minds become ONE. Bobby’s face is full of panic as he continues rising up to the apex, and the two of them fall back to deposit him onto his head and back.
SLAMMB!
Nick Stuart: MY GOD, what a devastating double back suplex! Bobby Dean took three-hundred and seventy pounds right on the back of his HEAD and NECK!
Richard Parker: They’ll be feeling the shockwaves from that up in Reno here in a minute!
Elvis Nixon, wiping the last of the cheese from his eyes, blinks through the residue left behind and assesses the situation.
Bobby is on his back.
Jonathan-Christopher is draped over his chest.
Vickie is screaming.
He crawls over, and raises his hand to make the count.
ONE!
Doozer rushes into the ring. But Zion can SEE HIM…
TWO!
With age-defying speed, Dooze JUKES under REAL LOVE and lunges at the bodies on the mat…
THREE!!
…but the Old Bull doesn’t get there in time.
DING DING DING
“Wannabe” hits the PA. Zion looks to Jonathan-Christopher. JC looks to Vickie. Suddenly the realization sets in that their LOVE CONVOY has rolled its way to victory, and they break out in celebration. Doozer, meanwhile, holds his head in despair while looking down at the prone mass of Bobby.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match, by pinfall… JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL… DARIN ZION… TWOOOO BECOOOOOMMEE OOOOOOONNNNNEEEEE!!!
Nick Stuart: Hall and Zion eke out a hard-fought victory tonight! For a minute there, The Bandits appeared to have their number!
Richard Parker: You can never underestimate the power of LOVE, Nick?
Nick Stuart: How about good ol’ fashioned teamwork?
Richard Parker: Sure, that too…
Nick Stuart: The Universal Champion isn’t likely to be happy to learn that Bobby and Doozer have suffered a defeat tonight
Richard Parker: (oozing with sarcasm) Oh, gee… poor Cancer! How will he ever recover from this humiliation?
Nick Stuart: We need to take a quick commercial break, ladies and gentlemen, but don’t go away! Plenty of action still left this evening, so stay with us as yet another momentous ReVival continues!