4 Bobby Dean vs. 13 Dusk
Nick Stuart: We’re ready for the next match of the evening, and boy do we have a good one on tap.
Richard Parker: As I understand it, this is a battle of a crowd favorite and another who could be described as a one man crowd.
‘Stronger’ by Kanye West rips through the MGM Grand Arena as the fans immediately rise to their feet and start to chant.
DUSK! DUSK! DUSK! DUSK!
From the backstage area emerges the man himself, Dusk. He stands at the top of the ramp as the fans cheer him on and chant his name. He has on a pair of white pants with black stripes on them with Dusk running down the outside of both legs. He wears a long black trenchcoat as well.
Vince Howard: Introducing the first competitor, from Los Angeles California, standing at 6’4” and weighing in at 225 lbs, he is…DUUUUUUUUSK!!!
He methodically makes his way down the ramp, slapping the hands of fans on his way to the ring, before he slides in under the bottom rope. He makes his way over to one of the ring corners, makes his way up to the middle turnbuckle, and holds his arms out as the fans continue to chant his name
DUSK! DUSK! DUSK! DUSK!
He hops off the middle turnbuckle and removes his trenchcoat before handing it over the top rope to a ringside attendant before slamming his forearms into his chest and making his way to his corner of the ring.
Elvis Nixon checks over Dusk quickly and turns his attention to the ramp as “You’re the Best” by Joe “Bean” Esposito hops up into the sound system. A man that has been recently described as “morbidly obese” by more than one family practitioner steps onto the stage.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, from Houston Texas, standing at 6’0” and weighing in at 369 lbs, BEAUTIFUL…BOBBY…DEAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!
Bobby Dean saunters to the ring with all the confidence of a man on his way to a third helping at Golden Corral. He wipes a bead of sweat from his brow and steps between the ropes. Elvis Nixon is there to check over the competitor and call for the bell.
Nick Stuart: This is a contrast of styles ladies and gentlemen. Dusk is a much more technical wrestler, and prefers effective striking to flash. Bobby Dean, on other hand,…is attempting to wield a pastrami sandwich that he produced from his tights with one hand and wipe a gob of spittle with the other.
Richard Parker: Those tights are too tight for my comfort Nick. I don’t know how a sandwich came into this picture, but I really wish I didn’t know it existed.
The bell rings and Dean throws the sandwich into the crowd. A lady in the front row catches most of it and stuffs it down her shirt for safe keeping. Bobby lumbers toward Dusk and they begin to circle one another. Dusk seems to be working out how to attack the land mass in front of him and decides to feign a collar and elbow into a leg strike.
Bobby winces and stumbles forward a little, causing Dusk to flick another leg strike out toward Bobby’s knee. The larger man absorbs the shot and trundles past a side stepping Dusk. Beautiful Bobby turns and slaps his leg and yells “I’ve had blood clots that hurt worse than that!” to an agitated Dusk.
The LA native grabs Bobby and whips him at the ropes.
Nick Stuart: Richard, do you hear what I hear?
Richard Parker: Is Bobby Dean…singing?
Bobby feigns slow motion as he plods toward the ropes one thundering hoofbeat at a time. He is loudly and off key singing the tune to “Chariots of Fire” as he rumbles toward the ropes. Before he hits, he stops and doubles over gasping and grasping toward his pockets. He pulls a small gray device from his pocket and puts it in his mouth before inhaling deeply.
After two puffs from his inhaler, he continues off the ropes and back at Dusk who is standing in the center of the ring tapping his foot on the ground. Dusk shakes his head and makes a business decision to go for the kill shot right here and now. He lines up a superkick, and just as he releases for the extension, grabs his hamstring.
Nick Stuart: Dusk’s conditioning is off tonight! That’s not like the former Intense Champion!
Richard Parker: Six years is a long time, Nick.
Bobby takes advantage of the situation and grabs Dusk by the pants, pulling him close and paintbrushing him across the face with the pack of kielbasa that he calls fingers knocking the former champion briefly senseless. Dean wrangles Dusk by the shoulders and contorts his lip, belching into the smaller man’s face.
Elvis Nixon’s face turns green as he catches a whiff of whatever God-forsaken thing crawled down Dean’s throat and set up residence. Dusk, meanwhile, chokes back a tear. Bobby starts flailing at Dusk, trying to hit the smaller man with looping blows, but Dusk will not hold still long enough to be hit.
Richard Parker: Do you think Bobby Dean and Paula Deen are related?
Nick Stuart: Besides the phonetics, why would you make that connection?
Richard Parker: Well, they both clearly love butter and have a plunging jawline. Plus I always get the feeling that Bobby would make a cracker jack televangelist.
There is a pause as Nick stares at his co-pilot.
Nick Stuart: You know Paula Deen is a TV cook and not a televangelist right?
Richard Parker: Listen Nick, there are a lot of things I don’t know. This shouldn’t be a surprise.
Nick shakes his head slowly.
Bobby has broken well past a sweat at this point and his forehead now resembles a Michael Bay movie where a dam has given way to mounting pressure. He holds up a hand to ask Dusk for a quick breather, but has his hand slapped away and Dusk begins to lay strikes into the larger man’s torso.
Bobby Dean’s stomach begins undulating, pulsating hypnotically as Dusk lays blow after blow into the doughy rolls that hang out of his TJ Maxx style wrestling trunks that are pulled up too high and are too tight. Bobby begins to chuckle and looks down, obviously impressed by the movement of his midsection.
Nick Stuart: These blows only appear to be egging Bobby on!
Richard Parker: I don’t want to stare, but I can’t look away!
Dusk reaches back and lays a chop into Bobby’s pendulous breasts. They writhe like a camel with a pair of saggy humps at full gallop, and BD laughs at the absurdity of his own corpulence. The former Champ is obviously getting frustrated and looks down at his own hands as if to think “did I lose it?” before shaking the doubt loose and running at the ropes for momentum.
The PRIMEmates start to chant DUSK! DUSK! DUSK! DUSK! As he rushes at Bobby with a full head of steam and hits Bobby across the jowls with a forearm smash.
Richard Parker: That one got Bobby’s attention!
Dusk runs off the ropes once again and launches another dramatic forearm smash, this one teeters the big man. As Bobby flails his arms around in wide circles ala a cartoon character, Dusk comes off the ropes a third time leaping at the last moment and catching BD in the mush with a running knee strike. Bobby wobbles back and forth wildly, but just will not go down.
Dusk walks back a few steps, holds up his hands as if zeroing in on his target, and launches into a crescendo of a Super-Kick. The impact and sound of Bobby’s mouth snapping shut as he gasped for breath sounds like a dumpster lid being slammed shut. BD falters backwards and falls over, landing with a meteoric thud on the canvas. The former Intense Champion is quick with a cover and Elvis Nixon is quick to a count.
ONE
TWO
Bobby reaches out and grabs the lower rope, breaking the count. Dusk cannot believe he made such a rookie error and looks to be quite flustered. He gets off Bobby and grabs his feet to drag him to the center of the ring for a proper pin, but Bobby will not have it as he holds the rope with all his waning strength.
Bobby locks his fingers in one another around the rope and refuses to let go. Dusk reaches for “Beautiful’s” hands and tries to pry them loose, but years of death grips on hot dogs have made for an opponent Dusk cannot best. The former champion sits on his haunches and shakes his head angrily, upset that Dean will not stop being himself. Finally he seems to have an idea and rolls under the bottom rope and toward the crowd. They cheer as he climbs the rail and beelines it to a concession stand.
Elvis Nixon: ONE! TWO! THREE!…
The count goes on as Dusk runs back with a huge plate of Nachos in his hand.
Elvis Nixon: SIX! SEVE…
Dusk slides under the rope and walks to the center of the ring, wafting the spicy cheese goodness through the air as he does. Bobby’s nose begins to dance with delight and he lets go of the ropes. He seems to float through the air like Tom and Jerry smelling a pie and as he gets to the center of the ring, Dusk takes advantage of his opponent’s head and neck extension to lock in a front lock with Bobby’s arm trapped.
Nick Stuart: We’re about to see it folks!
Quick as he ever was, Dusk rolls and drags the bigger man, positioning Bobby on his back with his head on Dusk’s stomach. The former champion walks his body in and begins to apply pressure to Bobby’s neck.
Nick Stuart: Anaconda Choke!
Bobby rapidly taps out and Dusk releases the hold. The bell rings and Elvis Nixon holds up the victor’s hand while “Stronger” by Kanye West blasts once again and the fans pop to their feet.
Vince Howard: And your winner…DUUUUUUUUUSK!!!!!
Dusk rolls out of the ring and heads up the ramp while Bobby lays in the center of the ring with a small pool of sweat rapidly forming around his supine body.
Nick Stuart: Well there you have it, Dusk advances and Bobby Dean falls victim to a plate of nachos. We’re going to take a quick commercial break and then we’ll be right back!