5 The Anglo Luchador vs. 13 Garbage Bag Johnny
“Eat the Rich.”
Absolute mayhem overtakes the Garden Arena at the MGM Grand, the camera swooping through the roaring crowd, signs waving in the stands:
TAKE ME TO THE CHOP HOUSE, JK!
BUFFETS FEAR BOBBY DEAN!
IN AMERICA, WE EAT RUFFLES!
THE ANGLO LUCHADOR EATS ICYHOT!
REZIN IS JUST HIGH FLYER ORDERED OFF WISH.COM
I’M HERE FOR ZADDY YOUNGBLOOD!
THE STARCHILD RISES AGAIN!
CANCER JILES IS CROSS-EYED!
The rockin’ tunes of Fozzy hammer the PA as The Anglo Luchador greets us, standing out in neon green and purple tights with matching luchador mask.
Nick Stuart: And let’s make it three! Welcome back to the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas, and round two of the Almasy Invitational! I’m Nick Stuart, here as always with Richard Parker, and welcome to ReVival!!
Richard Parker: We’re finally bringing the Rolo and Lisieux brackets together tonight, Nick! I don’t know about you, but I’m gettin’ old, and I don’t know how many more eight match evenings I can take!
Nick Stuart: Keep the aspirin handy, partner, we’ve got a huge night! Dusk vs. John Kennedy Royko Jr., Julian Bathory against Hayes Hanlon, and two big ones to finish the evening!
Richard Parker: That’s right, buddy boy! “The Pariah,” Brandon Youngblood squares up with Miles Lucky, and for dessert? NOVA against “Cool” CANCER JILES!
Nick Stuart: But first, The Anglo Luchador comes to town to visit another PRIME blast from the past: Garbage Bag Johnny!
Vince Howard: WELCOME to ROUND TWO of the ALMASY INVITATIONAL! Up next, hailing from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, standing six-feet even and weighing in at two-hundred and eleven pounds…THE ANGLOOOOO…LUUUUUCHADOOORRR!!!
With a big pop from the arena, TAL slides into the ring, arms wide while he struts around the ring.
Nick Stuart: TAL helped us kick things off at ReVival One, besting another PRIME newcomer in Alexander Redding with an impressive performance!
Richard Parker: Impressive, lucky, I guess take your pick?
TAL’s entrance package fades off, giving way…
Garbage Bag Johnny.
“Garbage Bag Johnny Will Win Zero 2 Hero.”
The PRIMEates roar for The Dirtiest Dude in PRIME. Out walks GBJ, flicking a cigarette and strolling down the ramp.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, from Chicago, Illinois standing six-foot, one inch and weighing in at two-hundred and thirty-one pounds….GARBAGE! BAG! JOOOHHHNNNYYYYY!!!!
Richard Parker: I don’t know what it is about his theme music, but I kinda dig it! It’s like…electronic stadium country meets new wave psychedelic orchestra punk…it’s hard to explain…
Nick Stuart: I’m confident you didn’t understand a thing that just came out of your mouth.
GBJ rolls into the ring, throwing a quick hand to the crowd. “The Samoan Silencer,” Timo Bolamba checks in with both opponents before signaling for the bell.
Nick Stuart: And ROUND TWO of the Almasy Invitational is officially underway!
TAL cautiously circles the ring with GBJ, hands up and preparing for the unknown. Johnny acts in kind, leery of the man behind the mask. The luchador bursts into a somersault, popping up to feign a shoot to the leg that Johnny doesn’t fall for. Instead, he looks around, a touch confused, and performs a clumsy sideways roll. TAL looks around flummoxed, unsure if GBJ is trying to mock, or mimic him.
Nick Stuart: Johnny looking to show off his own “gymnastic” skill set against The Anglo Luchador!
Richard Parker: “Drunken Master” sounds a little more accurate.
After another cautious circle around the ring, both men lunge forward for a lockup. The Dirty Dude is able to use his slight size advantage and push TAL into the corner. He delivers a few hard right hands before whipping him to the opposite end, colliding chest-first into the buckle. GBJ gives spastic chase, only to find the former Anonymous Jericoholic using the the ropes to leap up, causing Johnny to run underneath him. GBJ turns around and is met with TAL jumping onto his thighs, wrapping two hands around the back of his head, and falling back to the mat, sending Johnny ass-over-tea-kettle.
Nick Stuart: Monkey flip from TAL!
GBJ sits up, hand on his lower back. JA takes advantage, running into the ropes and clipping The Dirtiest Dude in PRIME with a low cross kick across the face.
Nick Stuart: And following with an enzuigiri! Going for the quick cover!
TAL hops to his feet and drags Johnny with him, connecting a collection of knife-edge chops and backing him into the ropes. With a push and a turn, TAL keeps hold of Johnny’s arm for the ripcord, cleaning his clock with a stiff right cross.
Nick Stuart: TAL keeps the momentum going with the Drizzle-Maker!
Richard Parker: What does that even mean?
Nick Stuart: Something to do with Snoop Dogg, maybe?
Richard Parker: Best halftime show ever, by the way.
Nick Stuart: Better than Prince?
Richard Parker: Oooh, good point.
GBJ stays on his feet after the punch, wavering. TAL lines up as his opponent wobbles and delivers a right jab, then a left, and finishes with another right cross. The strikes pins GBJ around, who then stumbles all the way across the ring until he meets the ropes, dropping down and leaning across the middle segment.
Nick Stuart: The Dirtiest Dude in PRIME needs to find some momentum, here!
Richard Parker: Or a cigarette. Or a joint. Or both.
TAL then charges, going for a leapfrog body guillotine, but Johnny throws his body out of the way, leaving TAL hung up in the ropes.
Nick Stuart: A miss from the Anglo Luchador!
Taking advantage, GBJ clobbers and slaps his opponent, who looks bewildered and defenseless. Timo gives Johnny a warning as he relents. TAL unties himself from the ropes, only to find himself in a headlock Unsure of what to do next, Johnny keeps the hold tight, walking TAL around the ring. A lightbulb goes off in his head however, and GBJ clumsily attacks The Anglo Luchador’s mask with his fingers.
Richard Parker: Is he looking to take his mask off? Doesn’t that offend the Lucha Gods in some way?
Nick Stuart: Probably, but I’m pretty sure GBJ has upset more dangerous deities.
Finally getting the grip and leverage, Johnny spins the mask 180 on TAL’s head.
Nick Stuart: Mask flip! What a reversal, eh? Eh?
Richard Parker: No, Nick. No.
Johnny releases the hold, leaving TAL completely confused. He waves his hands wildly about his head, then stumbles forward, reaching his palms out to guide where he’s going. Johnny side-steps to watch the poor luchador struggle. Getting some sort of bearing, TAL pauses, hands up, and takes a swing, obviously finding nobody home.
Richard Parker: The man is helpless!
Nick Stuart: I mean, just turn the mask aroun..
Richard Parker: Engulfed in darkness, Nick!
GBJ sneaks to the side, tapping his opponent on the left shoulder, then stepping to the right. TAL buys it, taking another wild swing into the air. Finally, GBJ gives the crowd what they came for, swiftly pulling TAL’s neon and purple tights to his ankles.
Nick Stuart: A de-pantsing from Garbage Bag Johnny!
Richard Parker: Here it comes!
TAL, completely beside himself, leans over to fix the situation, only to find his head hitting the mat with a bulldog from GBJ.
Nick Stuart: LEGENDARY DEPANTS COMBO!
TAL rolls to his back, blinded by his mask and in pain. The crowd bellows for Johnny as he grabs the luchador’s ankles.
Nick Stuart: And can he do it? Can he lock in the Dan Flashes Sharpshooter?!
Richard Parker: Those odds are at least 100 to 1!
Nick Stuart: Never tell him the odds!
He steps one leg through, looks confused, then steps back. He awkwardly crosses TAL’s legs, then returns them to the starting position. He looks up to the crowd, clearly mouthing the words “how does it go again?”
Nick Stuart: It’s not looking good…
After another attempt at the puzzle, Johnny stomps The Anglo Luchador’s groin in frustration, leaving him clutching his nethers in pain, much to the delight of the Garden Arena.
Nick Stuart: NOT SO-SHARPSHOOTER FROM GBJ!!
Richard Parker: Didn’t he JUST lock it in like, a month ago?
GBJ looks to the corner and climbs, balancing on the top of the ring post.
Nick Stuart: Garbage Bag Johnny going up top!
Richard Parker: TAL better get those pants back on!
Johnny leaps into the air, tucking and extending for the frog splash…
…but finds nobody home as TAL rolls out of the way, crashing into the mat with a heavy THUD.
Nick Stuart: JOHNNY MISSES THE DUMPSTER DIVE!
Richard Parker: How does one miss a blind, pants-less man?!
Johnny clutches his chest and stomach after hitting the mat hard. TAL squirms and pulls his tights back up, and finally decides it’s a good time to spin his mask back around so he can see. Meanwhile, Johnny has rolled out of the ring, catching his breath. Timo counts, but once re-oriented, The luchador takes off running…
Richard Parker: Do it!
He side-leaps over the ropes…
Richard Parker: DO A BARREL ROLL!
…and he spins his body horizontally, connecting a cross body to the Dirtiest Dude in PRIME.
Nick Stuart: And he does!
Richard Parker: He did! He did a barrel roll!
Both men discombobulated, they eventually push themselves to their feet and exchange a few rights and lefts. TAL is able to take the upper hand, hitting Johnny with three consecutive rights, then rolls him back into the ring. He jumps to the apron while GBJ stands, and uses the top rope to leap back into the ring, wrapping his legs around Johnny’s neck and sending him flying.
Nick Stuart: Hurricanrana from TAL! Roaring back from his blind, pantsless episode!
Somehow, GBJ is able to carry that momentum back to his feet, and as he careens toward the corner he leaps and scrambles up the post, finding himself balancing with each foot on a top rope. Arms waving for balance, Johnny looks to attempt his signature moonsault splash, but TAL runs his body into the ropes, forcing GBJ to fall and straddle the corner.
Nick Stuart: Foiled by TAL! GBJ in a precarious position!
The luchador runs underneath, setting GBJ on his shoulders and grabbing his wrist, arms crossed. He takes a few steps back to the center of the ring and falls backward, connecting the electric chair suplex.
Nick Stuart: JAPANESE OCEAN CYCLONE SUPLEX!
Richard Parker: OBTUSE RUBBER GOOSE GREEN MOOSE GUAVA J…
Nick Stuart: Quiet! The Anglo Luchador with the pin!
TAL bridges for the pin, and Timo drops for the count.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: Your winner, moving on to Round 3 in the Rolo Bracket…THE ANGLO LUUUUUUCHADOOORRR!!!
TAL rolls out of the ring as Fozzy re-ignites the PA system. He further fixes his mask, then throws his hands in the air to the Garden Arena.
Nick Stuart: and The Anglo Luchador is able to best The Dirtiest Dude in PRIME! GBJ may have been the 13 seed, but you could almost call this one an upset, Rich! Stick around! PRIME veteran Dusk takes on rookie newcomer, John Kennedy Royko Jr.!
Richard Parker: Next! On the ACE Network!