8 Cancer Jiles vs. 9 Tapioca Puddings
Nick Stuart: We are ready to continue through the first round of the Almasy Invitational with a match that pits representatives of the Pudding Gang and the eGG Bandits against one another, when Tapioca Puddings meets Cancer Jiles!
Richard Parker: I’m not sure “match” is the term I’d use, Nick. For that dirtbag Tapioca, this is going to be a slaughter! My man Cancer might as well have a BYE to the second round!
Nick Stuart: These two had a bit of a tense encounter here in the ring weeks ago at ReVival One, so the animosity between the Maestro of COOL and the Puddings siblings should expectedly come to a head in this encounter.
♪Ooooh whoo hoo hoo!♪
The upbeat, synthesizer-driven tune of “Friends With P.” by the Rentals hits the speakers. Despite its happy mood, Tapioca Puddings emerges from behind the curtain with a look of sheer terror on his face. He immediately spins around to retreat backstage…
Richard Parker: Well, that was quick.
…only to reemerge and continue his death march to the ring while painfully grasping at the groin region of his tan-colored trunks. Following behind him is his sister Muriel, caught in the process of placing a black taser within her cleavage.
Nick Stuart: Well, that’s certainly one way to motivate your ‘client’ when you’re a manager. Not sure a shock to that particular area is helpful before a match, though.
Richard Parker: I’m just surprised there was anything below his waist to taze.
As Tapioca reluctantly makes his way down, Muriel is hamming it up for the PRIMEates by criss-crossing between barricades and blowing kisses to them. Stopping abruptly at the sight of a sign, she raises a brow and shines a smile as she calls the camera over for a closer look.
I CAME TO SEE IF MURIEL CAME
She extends her face close to the bushy-bearded redhead and points to her cheek, giving him full access to a souvenir smooch. He accepts, then Muriel nods her head as she disgustingly rubs the crotch of her too-tight denim shorts.
♪If you’re friends with P., well then you’re friends with me.♪
♪If you’re down with P., well then you’re down with me.♪
Vince Howard: The following first round contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, the ninth seed in the Almasy Invitational Tournament! Hailing from Chubbuck, Idaho, and weighing in at one-hundred and seventy pounds… being accompanied to the ring by his sister MURIEL, here is TAAAPIIIOOOCAAA PUUUUUUDIIIIIINNNGS!!!
Tapioca patiently waits for his sister to get down to the ringside area, giving a last ditch plea to reconsider having him compete tonight. She shakes her head and motions down to her breasts, advising him of the consequences if he bails. Sighing, the cowardly Puddings rolls underneath the bottom rope and makes his way to the far corner, worry in his eyes as he awaits Jiles’ arrival.
Nick Stuart: Once again, not a whole lot of confidence in the stride of Tapioca Puddings as he faces a stiff challenge tonight in a former World Champion.
Richard Parker: Luckily those tights are the color they are, Nick. That’ll hide the tapioca stain he’s about to make in the back of them. As a matter of fact, I think I smell it already. Oh wait, that’s probably just his sister.
Prior to Cancer’s theme kicking in, Jimmy Turnbull has made his way over to where Muriel is standing near the announce table. Likely due to her unsavory comments about his officiating in the Carlson/Bathory match last week, he is reading her the riot act and warning her to be on her best behavior.
While we can’t completely make out the audio that’s picked up over Nick and Richard’s headsets, the phrase “don’t act like you didn’t just place an order for my toenail clippings” is clear as a whistle. The camera hones in on both Nick and Richard who share a sour look, but it immediately stops Turnbuckles from giving her the business.
Nick Stuart: Here comes Puddings’ opponent. I heard he’s a fancy lad.
The lights draw to a dim. Smoke begins to billow. The air chills. Then.
BLACK.
The pitch kind.
Suddenly, an invigorating, pulsating, reverberating, electric guitar riff raucously riffs its way throughout the MGM Grand. The obnoxious, yet also exhilarating riff can even be heard all the way out on the casino floor. It’s loud.
A spotlight clangs on and illuminates the entrance way.
Screaming Jay Hawkins, author, singer, creator of “I am the cool” begins to sing…
♪I’m the one your mama warned you about♪
♪When you see me, I will leave you no doubt♪
♪I’m the coolest man that ever walked this earth♪
♪I’ve been the coolest since the day of my birth♪
Out from behind the curtain he emerges.
♪I am the cool.♪
Vince Howard: Coming to the ring… by way of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania… weighing in at two hundred and twenty nine pounds, and standing six feet and one half inch tall… He is the only man to have ever conquered COOLYMPUS! He is also known as the thrower of eggs, and mister of faces! He is the terminal one! The Big C!! Not Capricorn!!! The Bandit of Bandits!!! Cannnnnncerrr Jiles!!!!
The Count of COOLsylvania receives a mixed reaction from the PRIME Faithful in attendance. It doesn’t seem to bother him as he confidently makes his way down to the ring. Once there, he slowly heads up the ring steps, and barks some orders towards the referee in regard to his “imposing” opponent. The word pudding is used multiple times. Finally, and contempt, he climbs between the ropes and enters the ring.
Nick Stuart: Look at Tapioca! Cancer Jiles can smell blood in the water!
Richard Parker: And I can smell Puddings in the air…
DING DING
Cancer slinks out of his corner and readies himself in the center of the ring while Tapioca timidly comes out of his own, shaking like a leaf. He looks to Muriel at ringside for reassurance, but only gets a murderous stare from his sister as she insistently points to the job at hand with Jiles. Cancer smirks with smug confidence.
Tapioca inches himself forward, getting his hands ready for the lock-up. Cancer himself shakes in mockery before running into the tie-up. With Muriel barking between words of encouragement and open threats, Puddings spastically dances and contorts as the two competitors wrangle in the collar-and-elbow. His desperately flailing around doesn’t appear to have any effect outside of making himself look ridiculous and annoying the hell out of Jiles.
Richard Parker: …what in the hell am I watching, Nick?
Nick Stuart: It would appear this is Tapioca Puddings’ best effort at “wrestling.”
Richard Parker: This is an absolute waste of Cancer’s time, Nick!
Cancer effortlessly pie-faces him to the mat. Tapioca rolls over and immediately dives back into his corner, hugging the turnbuckles for reprieve. On the floor, Muriel grabs her brother by the ear and berates him for his cold feet while Jiles enjoys a chuckle, cocky and COOL.
After some further “encouragement,” Tapioca finally musters up the will to pull himself back to his feet. He takes in a deep breath as Cancer beckons him out of the corner. He’s about to take a step forward when Muriel, beyond impatient at the point, climbs up to the apron, plants a hand into his back, and shoves him HARD to the center of the ring.
Cancer can’t react in time as he receives a RUNNING HEADBUTT to the face from Tapioca! The fans cheer the sudden shift in action, and even Tapioca looks astonished after the brief dizzy spell wears off.
Nick Stuart: What a headbutt, off the assist from Muriel! That was the most offense we’ve seen yet from Tapioca Puddings!
Richard Parker I wouldn’t be surprised if that was ALL the offense we saw from him! Come on, Turnbuckles! Get that disgusting woman outta here!
With Cancer briefly out of it on his back, Tapioca sees a clear exit from this match, and jumps onto him for the cover.
ONE
TWO
Cancer kicks out!
Jiles shoves Tapioca off of him and quickly crawls over to Jimmy Turnbull, appealing an immediate disqualification, but the official can only shrug off this request and tells him to get back at it. Muriel taunts him by licking her lips lavisciously before dropping back down to the floor.
Back on his feet, Jiles is no longer feeling COOL; he’s feeling pissed. Sneering angrily, he comes to Tapioca with his fists balled up and ready to pound his face into LITERAL pudding. Tapioca (almost unintentionally) slips under a hook from Cancer and ends up behind him. Out of desperation, he hooks up Cancer’s arms and wraps his leg around his waist while clinging to his back.
Nick Stuart: Tapioca has… some sort of double chickenwing with a… body scissor applied?
Richard Parker: He isn’t “applying” anything, Nick! He’s just hanging onto Cancer’s back for dear life!
Muriel cheers these “gains” made by her brother while Cancer struggles to break free, finally ramming himself back-first into the corner to sandwich Tapioca against the turnbuckles. Tapioca lingers in place there like a bug on a windshield, until Cancer pinches him by the nose and rakes his face down the top rope. As Tapioca clutches his face in agony and staggers away from the scene, the COOL innocently throws his hands into the air as Jimmy Turnbuckles gives him an earful.
While the ref’s back is turned, Muriel is once again back on the apron and reaches over the ropes to grab Tapioca by the scruff of the neck and yanks him into motion once again! This time, Cancer sees him coming, and quickly pulls the referee yelling in his face into the path. Turnbull feels a slight bump in his back and turns around to see Tapioca laid out on the canvas like he ran into a brick wall. Muriel tears at her hair in rage!
Tapioca rolls over and tries to crawl his way out of the ring, but he’s cut off by a STOMP to his exposed fingers by Jiles! Cancer subsequently hooks the corner of Tapioca’s mouth and gets a handful of hair to wrangle him back off the mat and pounds his head repeatedly into the near turnbuckle until the official finally breaks it up. The crowd jeers as the Maestro again holds up his hands acting completely innocent and smirking like a fiend.
BOOOOOOOOO!!!
Nick Stuart: I thought Tapioca’s style of wrestling was “unique”, but Jiles has evidently taken control of things with his own laissez faire approach, which doesn’t seem to take much consideration to the rules!
Richard Parker: The sign of a great wrestler is getting maximum results while putting forth a minimum amount of effort, Nick. This is how Cancer Jiles became a professional wrestling legend!
Tapioca lies motionless on the canvas, covering his face like an assault victim. Jiles chuckles and goes for the pin by casually setting his knee over the chest.
ONE…
TWO…
THR–KICKOUT after the near fall!
Richard Parker: Was that an actual kickout out, or a twitch-out?
Nick Stuart: I can’t really tell, but after that half-hearted pin attempt by Cancer, Tapioca is inexplicably still in this match.
Tapioca is still on the mat, until Cancer parts his hands and further scrapes his boot across the younger Puddings sibling’s face. Tapioca further writhes in agony, prompting Jimmy Turnbull to check in on him while the Maestro walks a victory lap around the ring, getting TREMENDOUS heat.
BOOO–RRAAAAAAHHHH!!!
He suddenly YELPS and springs away from the ropes when Muriel reaches in from behind him and grabs two handfuls of his rock-hard glutes! Cancer balks in revulsion as she smiles hungrily back at him, sniffing her fingers and hopping excitedly in place. Jiles, furious at having his COOL interrupted, angrily pulls Tapioca back to his feet and runs the poor sap to the ropes with the intent to toss him out to his sister.
Unfortunately for him, Tapioca trips over his own feet and falls INTO rather than OVER the ropes, and Cancer loses his balance and instead dumps HIMSELF to the outside again! Tapioca’s rolls through and tangles his head between the top and middle ropes, causing him to flail wildly in panic! Turnbuckles quickly tries to pry him free while Cancer gets back to his feet, dusts himself off, and laughs at this turn of events.
But he doesn’t see MURIEL on the apron just outside his periphery! As Cancer turns around, Muriel runs and comes diving OFF THE APRON with a SEATED SENTON that knocks him to the floor! The crowd POPS HARD as she adds in some EXTRA CROTCH GRINDING to his face!
RRAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Richard Parker: OH MY GAAAWD, I think I’m going to be SICK!
Nick Stuart: How do you think Jiles feels right now?
Muriel pulls Jiles to his feet and tosses him back into the ring. Bursting to his feet, Cancer is holding his stomach and gagging uncontrollably, still overwhelmed by the SMELL! Turnbuckles has finally pulled Tapioca’s purple-hued head out of the ropes before he notices Cancer, looking like he’s about to blow chunks all over his ring.
Tapioca is struggling to breath when Cancer suddenly shoves the ref aside and DOUSES his opponent in YELLOW MIST!! Tapioca falls to the mat, clawing his eyes, while Cancer plays it off to the ref as involuntarily vomiting.
Nick Stuart: COOLYMPIAN YOLJK!! Jimmy Turnbuckles is FURIOUS!
Richard Parker: You can’t hold it against the man for losing control of his bodily functions in a moment of revulsion, Nick!
Turnbuckles orders Jiles to back up into his corner while he goes to clean the yolk/vomit off of the sputtering Tapioca’s face. But Cancer doesn’t notice MURIEL back on the apron! He turns around in time for Puddings to snatch him by the hair and BURY HIS FACE INTO HER CLEAVAGE while she wails away on the back of his head with her free hand!
Jiles finally breaks free and sprawls to the mat just as Jimmy Turnbull turns around to see Muriel, smiling innocently there on the apron. Turnbuckles runs over and orders her to get back to her place at ringside. Meanwhile, out of view of the camera, Cancer can be seen inconspicuously removing something from his mouth…
Tapioca is wandering the ring aimlessly, still wiping yolk out of his eyes, when Cancer springs up and jabs something into his midsection.
BZZZT!!
Nick Stuart: HE’S GOT MURIEL’S TASER!!
Richard Parker: Of course he does! Cancer could undo a bra with his TEETH!!
BOOOOOOOOO!!!
Tapioca spasms in place while the Maestro ditches the evidence. Muriel suddenly sees her brother-herding apparatus being tossed from the ring and runs to retrieve it, and Turnbuckles turns around just as Jiles nails the SUPERKICK on her stunned brother!
Nick Stuart: TERMINAL CANCER!!
Unfortunately, Muriel’s natural THICC-ness makes her a second too slow in sliding into the ring to break things up, as Jiles quickly falls over the unmoving Tapioca’s chest for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!
DING DING DING
Jiles rolls off of Tapioca and out of the way just as Muriel falls in and BURIES the taser into her brother! While Tapioca again spasms involuntarily, Cancer retreats up the rampway with his arms raised in victory. The crowd jeers and pelts him with garbage while Muriel further takes out her anger on her brother.
Vince Howard: The winner of the match, by pinfall… “COOOOOOLLL”… CAAANNNCERRR… JJJIIIIIIIIILLLEEESSS!!!
Richard Parker: It may not have been pretty, but my man Cancer got it done!
Nick Stuart: It may have taken a bit of controlled chaos, but the notorious eGG Bandit found a means to get the victory over the Puddings family and a spot in the second round of matches in the Almasy Invitational.
Richard Parker: He’s going to need a LONG shower to wash off the smell of Puddings after all of that close contact! But REAL victories don’t come without sacrifice, Nick!
Nick Stuart: I’ll keep that in mind…
Cancer Jiles drops his shades to wink at the camera before disappearing through the curtain. Meanwhile, Muriel continues to rage while her brother Tapioca lays motionless and splayed out in the center of the ring.