A BANDIT ENCOUNTER
We return from the thrilling 5-Star Title match to a close-up view of Matt Mills smiling for the camera.
Matt Mills: Ladies and gentlemen, with me at this time is the former 5-Star Champion, Coral Avalon.
The camera pans back to reveal an exhausted-looking Crownless King, who’s been in the building all day and looks like a man who would like to take a nap some time. Dressed casually with his arms crossed, Avalon offers a short nod to one of the senior interviewers of PRIME.
Mills looks around, confused.
Matt Mills: Rumors have been swirling that you’ve joined the eGG Bandits recently, but I can’t help but notice that Cancer Jiles is conspicuous by his absence.
Coral Avalon: Okay, I don’t know where this whole “Coral Avalon joined the eGG Bandits” business came from, but I can honestly say… I’m flattered that Cancer Jiles thinks I should join the eGG Bandits. Really. There’s at least some pedigree there, if you look hard enough. But I don’t want to be in the eGG Bandits. Thanks, but no thanks.
Mills lets Coral’s response drift in the air for a few seconds before he goes to his next topic.
Matt Mills: Mr. Avalon, it’s no secret that you’ve been out of action since ReVival 32.
Coral Avalon: Not exactly by choice, but yeah.
Matt Mills: Is there anything you can tell us about the injury you’re working through right now?
Coral Avalon: Yeah, that it sucks to deal with. “No cap”, as the kids would say. I’d been dealing with it for a while, but aggravated it towards the end of the match with Chandler. So… that’s why I’m in street clothes right now instead of, say, trying to get back the title I lost.
Mills nods.
Matt Mills: Do you have a timetable on when you’ll be back in the ring?
Coral Avalon: Honestly, I was hoping to be back in action before UltraViolence, but it sounds like I have to wait that long to get myself cleared. So–
He stops, and completely breaks character as he throws up his head towards the ceiling in frustration. Why? Because his good buddy, his new friend, his “fellow Bandit”… Cancer Jiles wanders onto the set. The COOLYMPIAN regards Coral Avalon with a restrained nod, as though he’s afraid that he might accidentally headbutt that big forehead if it were any deeper. By contrast, he barely acknowledges Matt Mills as anything more than a glorified microphone stand.
Cancer Jiles: Hey. Who is this guy? Has he been vetted?
Coral Avalon: That’s Matt Mills. He works here. He interviews people.
Cancer Jiles: Oh. That explains it. We don’t usually mingle with the help.
Even if Matt has never come into contact with COOLYMPIAN blood, which he hasn’t, he knows better than to speak up.
Coral Avalon: Hey. Unfortunately, we didn’t find Cecilworth in your ice bath. Maybe he’ll be there after his match with Colton, though, you’d better hurry.
A mirthless chuckle comes from Jiles.
Cancer Jiles: Listen. I know you’re new, so we got time to work on the jokes. Also, just a friendly heads up, but we don’t really do the interviewer thing. No offense, uhhhh (guy), I’m sure you and Eddie Cross have a wonderful rapport.
The pride of COOLYMPUS can’t help but to snicker.
Coral Avalon: Why not?
Cancer Jiles: Uh, that’s an easy one. Everybody already knows who we are, Coral. We’re over. We don’t need some crumb, again no offense, introducing us, or asking us silly questions about our health and interests. That’s for… well, the guys you used to hang out with.
Coral looks over at Matt and shrugs.
Coral Avalon: How silly of me I must have forgotten.
Before anyone can continue, Bobby, the wonderful Bandit, Abe, the ghost Bandit, and Lunchbox Laser, the ghosting Bandit, all come careening into the shot. Bobby is staring at Matt Mills like Matt’s an alien. So is Lunchbox Laser.
Bobby Dean: Hey. Who is this guy?
Lunchbox Laser: I wasn’t told to vet him, I know that.
Cancer Jiles: Apparently he works here. He interviews people.
Bobby Dean: Oh, why are we talking to him then? Doesn’t the new guy know we’re already over?
Coral Avalon: Well, not everyone has a Cardboard Dan Ryan to hold a microphone for them.
Lunchbox Laser: You weren’t kidding about the forehead. I would love to throw a cement block at it to test its strength.
Coral stares at Lunchbox Laser as though he recognizes him, but doesn’t recognize him, at the same time. He opens his mouth to ask “have we met?”, only for Jiles to interrupt.
Cancer Jiles: I know, right? We’ll get the proper measurements when we get back to the ship. That reminds me. Coral, you don’t get seasick, do you?
Coral Avalon: I guess you missed it, since you think Matt’s just furniture and all. So, like I said before, I’m flattered that you’d ask, but I don’t want to be an eGG Bandit. No thanks. Best of luck though.
Silence.
No more smiles.
No more laughs.
No more games.
Just the sizzle of a hot frying pan.
Oh, and Bobby passing out because those words Coral Avalon just spoke have never been said on LIVE television before. Well, not to an eGG Bandit at least. Luckily, Lunchbox is there to catch Bob. Unluckily, they both topple over because bad knees and blubber don’t mix. Even more unlucky than that, sadly, Abe’s ghost gets trapped underneath the dog pile.
Spoiler: He doesn’t make it.
Cancer Jiles: Okay, Coral. Let’s make this nice and easy. Like your mom. There’s a little show coming up called UltraViolence. You don’t want to be a Bandit, that’s fine. You beat me. There. ON NIGHT FUCKING TWO. Under the bright lights. Injured or not. Foreign object or not, and we’ll leave you alone. You walk free and clear of this, and you can go smell Nate’s farts for all I care.
Coral Avalon: And let me guess, if I lose–
Cancer Jiles: If you lose, Coral, you will never again have to worry about talking to the likes of Matt Mills. You won’t have to buy Hayes Hanlon wine coolers. You won’t have to sit through Jared turning Forever 21. You won’t have to train with Eddie Cross at Nate’s Famous Hotdog Eating School. You’ll get to do whatever it is that you do in your wildest of dreams. That’s what happens WHEN you lose, Coral. I know, I still expect you to try your hardest.
Coral Avalon: Well, when you put it that way…
Cancer Jiles: Don’t spoil all the fun. Give me your answer at the next ReVival. I’m sure we can figure out a way to bump into each other again. In the meantime, I suggest you put that big brain of yours to work. It’s a good deal, Coral. Win win for you. And remember, we want you because you’re one of us, not because you’re one of them.
Coral glances down at the ghostly dog pile before him. The look upon his face is like he doesn’t know if he should be insulted or ashamed. He does know however the wrong response here would probably result in something bad happening to him. Not that he fears the Eggsecutioner, but he’s not 100 percent.
No reason to rush things.
Coral Avalon: See you at the next ReVival.
He pauses, and then points down at the pile in front of them.
Coral Avalon: Are they… going to be okay under there?
No one answers.
Matt Mills: …Back to you, Nick and Richard.
We move towards the main event.