A LESSON IN THE INEVITABILITY OF FAILURE
Event: GREAT AMERICAN NIGHTMARE 2022
Event Date: 07/01/2022
A LESSON IN THE INEVITABILITY OF FAILURE
Fade to backstage following the commercial break. Don’t you love that you paid to watch this event and STILL have to sit through ad breaks? Thanks ACE Network!
The shot is before the interview backdrop, to one one side, junior reporter Simon Tillier waits to conduct an interview. He’s watching helplessly as “The Escape Artist” Rezin is in the process of harassing a production assistant, he forcibly shaking the poor guy around by his shirt collar.
Rezin: …and then there’s TWO explosions, GOT IT?! TWO!! Then you HIT THE MUSIC! I want STROBES goin’ off errywhere! I want FLAMES shootin’ up the sides of the rampway! I want LASERS… HOLOGRAMS! And goddambit, I want those SMOKE MACHINES ROLLIN’ SO HARD you’d think the BUILDING was on fire!
Production Assistant: I mean… we’ll try our best. What you’re asking for is going to require a lot of power. Maybe we cut one or two things–
Rezin: SHUT UP!! Do you have any idea who I AM?! I’m the FUTURE FIVE STAR CHAMPION, and tonight is my BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT! This entrance has to be PERFECT! It has to be DARK! It has to be CHAOTIC! I want those fans to feel DREAD and DESPAIR when they see me coming to the ring! I want their SKIN to crawl! I want them to think I’m like the very PROPHET of the END TIMES or some shit! Ya get me? ANTON CHIGURH from NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN! RANDALL FLAGG from the STAND! KILLER BOB from TWIN PEAKS! The RED MASQUE OF DEATH from… ya know, THE RED MASQUE OF DEATH!!
Production Assistant: I don’t understand these references…
Rezin: THEN GOOGLE IT, YA NORMIE!! Now SCRAM!!
The crew member scurries away while the Goat Bastard continues kicking and swatting after him, cackling. Then he sniffs the air, and smells the reek of junior reporter. Behind him, Simon tenses up…
Rezin: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf…
Another reference for you kids to Google in your spare time. Rezin turns to face the interviewer, and Tillier audibly gulps.
Rezin: …you got somethin’ to say to me, Simon? Or do I needa twist your arm?
Simon shows his commitment to professionalism by adjusting his tie and pushing forward.
Simon Tillier: G-good evening, Rezin. As we all know, later on in the event, you’ll be challenging “The Event Horizon” Hayes Hanlon for the Five Star Championship. What’s your mindset like tonight before heading into such an important contest?
Rezin’s reddened eyes widen into a crazed stare and his lips curl into a hungry sneer. His face has become the ghastly visage of madness and murderous ambitions.
Rezin: You wanna know my MINDSET, Simon? Well, there’s only ONE mindset to have, when the STAKES are HIGHER than I am on a Friday night! A mindset that fits perfectly within this money and greed-obsessed city we’re in…
Pointing intensely into his own temple, he takes a threatening step forward, now looming over the fear-stricken junior reporter. Simon can only hold out the mic and pray for the best.
Rezin: ALL! IN! THAT is my mindset, Simon!
Simon Tillier: Well, that is a daring proclamation to make. But, as you must know, with such high stakes in this match, and with everything on the line, should you lose…
Rezin snatches the mic away from him.
Rezin: You think I’m worried about LOSIN’?! Been there, done that! I lose tonight, I go back to bein’ the Goat Bastard this world knows me more, no better no worse! And tonight, I got nothin’ to lose, but everything to gain! But you know who can’t say the same? You know who SHOULD be worried about losin’?
He redirects his crazed glare to the camera, practically jostling Simon out of his own interview.
Rezin: HAAYYESS HAANLOONN, THAT’S WHO!!
He finger-guns the camera.
Rezin: I’m gonna do you a FAVOR tonight, Event Horizon! I’m gonna teach you a LESSON that you’ll take with you for the rest of your career! That lesson? FAILURE is INEVITABLE, HHAAYESS HAANLONNN!!
Rezin’s sneer slowly stretches into a maniacal grin. His unbridled energy can’t be understated, as he is practically a walking stick of TNT right now.
Rezin: NO ONE escapes FAILURE! Not even ME, the ESCAPE ARTIST! I have tasted FAILURE so much through my career, I’ve become NUMB to it! I’m IMMUNE to the FEAR of FAILURE, because it’s something I know I can SURVIVE!! But YOU?! HA-HAA… so are still so YOUNG… so NAIVE… and so IGNORANT of all the SUFFERING that comes with FAILURE!! SUFFERING that I will bring you, HAAYYESS HAAANLOOONNN!!
He advances on the camera, which attempts to back up as if to protect the fans watching at home from the smell reaching them through their television screens. Rezin is seething with heavy breaths, teeth bared like a speed freak on his last two dollars.
Rezin: But don’t worry, Haaayyyesss… cause years from now, you’ll be THANKING ME! You will come to APPRECIATE the ASS-KICKIN’ I’m going to hand you tonight! Cause eventually, in hindsight, you will come to understand that reflecting on our own FAILURES in life is EXACTLY what makes us STRONGER in that ring!
Closer. Our view is nothing but crusty whiskers, flaring nostrils, and determined, bloodshot eyes.
Rezin: You’ll look back on this night as the moment that changed your life forever. The moment you realized that you were wasting your potential as a professional wrestling, instead of finding your TRUE calling in life…. PUMPING GAS!! BACK HOME!! IN THE STUCK-UP SNOBBISH SUBURBS of PORTLAND, ORE-GONE!!
He finally steps back. The Goat Bastard throws his head back and throats the mic, shaking his fist and calling his opponent’s name into the heavens with the spite-filled, guttural rage of a Saturday morning cartoon villain.
Rezin: …HHAAAAYYYYEEEZZZ… HHHHAAAAANNNNN… LLLAAAAWWWWNNNNNGGGHHH!!
He nearly spikes the mic until he notices Simon still standing by, and instead gently hands it off to the junior reporter. Rezin takes his leave while Tillier curls his nose at the layer of spittle left over the foam head of the mic.