A PERFECTLY GOOD EXPLANATION
We are backstage! Well, kind of. We are backstage, but not at the Footprint Center. It’s a sound stage for some sort of fancy production! Facing away from the camera are the long black locks of Abe Lipschitz, examining the set. In case you didn’t realize that it was him, he’s sitting in a tall director’s chair with “A. Lipschitz” cross-stitched along the back.
Two actresses dressed in tennis skirts and visors are reviewing their scripts on the sound stage, sitting on the bench of the makeshift locker room. They look a little similar in features, aside from a contrast in age: maybe a mother and daughter pairing? There’s no time to find that out, though. Slowly but suddenly, Abe turns to the side and looks toward the camera, giving the PRIME audience a brace-filled grin and a friendly wave.
Abe Lipschitz: Hey! You guys caught me on our final day of shooting for the pilot of future hit sitcom, All That Racquet! Thanks to the gracious funding by our executive producer, Brennan Devlin, of whom I am legally obligated to mention runs the fantastic wrestling promotions Christ Centered Wrestling and Satan Slanted Wrestling, my dream of becoming a television icon might be a reality! It’s about time that someone with an incredible amount of wealth in the professional wrestling industry has decided to branch out into the world of Netflicks Original Series! And that’s Netflicks with a ‘F-L-I-C-K-S.’
Abe winks at the camera and puts his hand next to his mouth as if he’s about to share a dirty little secret.
Abe Lipschitz: It’s a new streaming network that’s soon to launch and make everyone forget about that “other” Netflix. It was founded by the creator of Corncob TV, and he thinks All That Racquet might even be better than Coffin Flop!
The Future Mr. Vanderpump hops out of his chair and beckons the camera to follow him over to the catering table. As he walks toward the array of pastries and headed right for the lekach, Abe sheds some light as to recent events.
Abe Lipschitz: I invited you here as I felt like this place was appropriate to nip any nasty dirtsheet gossip right in the bud before news of my pilot came out. Yes, it’s likely that the critics were about to write that my swift loss to Scott Stevens at PWA-02 was due to deprioritizing my wrestling career. And that I’ll never be taken seriously as long as I put my acting in front of my atomic dropping. And that’s just not true! The Scenery Boy Abe Lipschitz still has these beautiful brown eyes on the prize, and that is to win the title…
Grabbing a piece of the honey cake with his hands, Abe shoves a little in his face and savors the craft services flavor.
Abe Lipschitz: The title of Mr. Lindsay Troy. And as long as I’m chasing that championship, pro wrestling will always be at the top of my mind. Now granted, I’ve heard through the vine that she’s not too thrilled about my performance in Cuauhtémoc. And that some people who need to MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS have accused me of being high during the match. But let me clear the air here: I just say no to drugs. Before the event, I was feeling a bit perspired, and had asked one of the local crew members if they could find me any talcum powder. I was surprised when he produced a small plastic baggie with the good stuff in there! It didn’t look like it would be enough to cover my underarms, but he taught me a cool trick I didn’t know before: if you inhale just a little bit, it works all over!
Pivoting on his heel and heading back toward his director’s chair, Abe continues his explanation.
Abe Lipschitz: I guess it has some strange effects the first time you do it. But still, even though I felt off, that’s no excuse. Truth is that I was simply bested by a veteran. A real Tatty Granddaddy. But if I’m an embarrassment to PRIME because of a loss to a multi-time champion, I’ll just have to work that much harder to get back in your good graces. And I’ll accept any punishment that Lindsay wants to deliver.
Lipschitz begins to “list off” several hypothetical punishments, counting him with his fingers.
Abe Lipschitz: Clean her pool in nothing but my underwear while she watches me from a beach lounger? No problem. Massage her feet after a long day of doing business-related things and promoting synergy within the front office? I can take it. Carry her on my back anywhere she wants to go? Look, it’s not anything I’d want to do, but as a man who wants to redeem himself, I’ll suck it up. Reorganize her decorative china and then kiss each other passionately? Only appropriate for a Scott Stevens loss.
As he plops back down on the seat and turns his head once again to stare back at the camera, he closes out his message of reassurance. Shooting is about to resume.
Abe Lipschitz: And once I’ve done my time, I’ll set my sights on getting ready for my Alias title shot. Which will soon be named the Lindsay Troy’s Love and Undying Affection. And…ACTION!