A WHOLE NEW WORLDS
The elevator makes a dinging sound as the doors spread and the future Future of Wrestling, presently known just as Garbage Bag Johnny and Nova, disembark mid-conversation.
Garbage Bag Johnny: So, one of them is the size of a silver dollar pancake, and the other is the size of the actual coin.
Nova: I really don’t want to hear more about this, but what’s the difference?
Garbage Bag Johnny: I’m glad you asked. Now, the American Silver Eagle dollar coin is 40.6 millimeters in diameter. That’s the current silver dollar, and it’s the largest coin in production. The previous versions were about two and a half millimeters smaller. The smallest silver dollar pancake generally starts at about two inches. Sure, someone might make a smaller pancake than that, but it would be purely for novelty reasons.
GBJ and Nova approach the door to their room, and GBJ pats himself down for the key, but Nova knows well enough that his tag partner isn’t going to find it and swipes his own keycard in the reader. As soon as he opens the door…
“SURPRISE!”
The Present of Wrestling both instinctively duck and cover as Future GBJ and Nova burst out of the room, both blasting confetti cannons.
Future Nova: We’ve been waiting all night for you two to get here.
Future GBJ: We made you something! Come on! You’re gonna love this!
The Future of Wrestling both step to the sides of the door to form an aisle and motion for Nova and GBJ to walk through the door. The room is still trashed from the psychotic beatdown of yester-ReV. It’s even more trashed, but nothing jumps out as surprising…until Future Nova uses some kind of late 21st century wizardry to create a digital screen with his bare hands.
Nova: I didn’t give you permission to use my iPad.
Future Nova: Is it cool that I closed all of your PornHub windows? Sorry if not.
Nova: (Whining) I don’t remember their names and I’m too cheap to sign up for an account! How will I get back there?
Future GBJ: Sit down in whatever furniture wasn’t broken when we assaulted you, boys. You. Are Gonna. LOVE THIS.
Future Nova: (Whispering) Taught myself how to Chromecast, not a big deal but just saying…
Nova and GBJ kick aside some of the debris on the carpet and make their way to a couple of chairs in the living room area. The big screen TV mounted on the wall comes to life with the image of old-man Bitmojis giving warm hugs to still-kind-of-old Bitmojis that are clearly intended to resemble Nova and GBJ, with a large heart emoji hovering above them like some kind of Valentine’s Day guillotine.
GBJ’s jaw hangs open. Nova glances over to Future Nova, who can barely stand still, he’s so excited. Future GBJ gives them both a thumbs-up.
On the screen, the scene fades into their hotel suite on the 28th floor. Nova and GBJ kick aside some of the debris on the carpet and make their way to a couple of chairs in the living room area. The big screen TV mounted on the wall comes to life with the image of old-man Bitmojis giving warm hugs to still-kind-of-old Bitmojis that are clearly intended to resemble Nova and GBJ, with a large heart emoji hovering above them like some kind of Valentine’s Day guillotine.
GBJ’s jaw hangs open. Nova glances over to Future Nova, who can barely stand still, he’s so excited. Future GBJ gives them both a thumbs-up.
Cut to a babbling brook nestled deep in a mountain valley. “Father and Son” by Cat Stevens plays in the background. A campfire illuminates the figures of Nova, GBJ, and the Future of Wrestling, seated in a semi-circle on large logs. Future GBJ is pantomiming how to make a s’more layer by layer as the others focus on him intently. Suddenly GBJ yanks his stick out of the fire, his marshmallow fully ensconced in flame. He scowls, and the others laugh. Future GBJ tosses him another marshmallow, and the anger on his face dissipates into a broad grin.
Cut to a baseball game. GBJ, Future GBJ, Nova, and Future Nova are all in the bleachers. The sound of ball cracking off bat echoes out, and all four of the men rise up to try to catch the home run ball. Unfortunately, someone in front of them leaps up and snatches the ball.
Cut to GBJ and Future GBJ. The camera only shows them from the waist up. They’re both shirtless and sweating heavily. It’s Melvin Beuregard’s office. They high five.
Garbage Bag Johnny: What the hell was that?
Future GBJ: Just keep watching!
Cut to Spring Break. Girls who may or may not have gone wild and plenty of bros awash in Axe body spray are counting and cheering. GBJ and Nova are holding Future GBJ upside down by his ankles as he annihilates a gutful of Natty Ice during a keg stand.
Cut back to the baseball game. Future Nova gives a baseball to regular Nova as stadium security descends down on them. The man who caught the ball is unconscious on the ground.
Cut to a barren, blood soaked wasteland. Future Nova and Future GBJ and Nova and GBJ are there, but so are various other states of Novas and GBJs. The cut flashes too fast to count them all.
Cut to Great American Nightmare. GBJ and Nova are hoisting Future GBJ and Future Nova who are hoisting the tag team titles. Their smiles are pictures of boundless joy.
Nova: What was that?
Future Nova: What was what? The night we win the tag titles?
Nova: No, before that. Anyone else catch that?
Future GBJ: The ballgame? Those were some great seats. I remember it like it was forty years ago and ten years from now.
Garbage Bag Johnny: No, I think I saw it, too.
Future Nova: Shhhh! You’re missing all the good stuff.
Cut to a beautiful cathedral. All four of them are holding hands and wearing tuxedos as a priest reads wedding vows.
Cut to the cathedral from another view. Pew after pew of GBJs and Novas of all ages. Some in suits, some in dresses. Cut to black. Cut to demonic lau-
Future Nova: Whoops!
Future Nova quickly swipes out of whatever app he had running on the iPad. Whatever app, indeed. The TV is dark.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Anyone else think that got kind of weird?
Future GBJ: Don’t worry about it. That’s just, uh…
Future Nova: The technology must’ve malfunctioned. So primitive.
Nova and GBJ give each other a look. GBJ even arches an eyebrow, but the censors blur it out to avoid copyright infringement.
Future Nova: Hey, don’t worry about all that. The point is, we have a lot of great memories together for you all to look forward to. They hadn’t happened to us before you came back, but we did it! We changed the timeline!
Nova and GBJ exchange another look. This one comes with a shrug.
Future GBJ: That’s right! Pat yourselves on the back, and let’s go win this Scavenger Hunt!
Nova: So, if you’ve done this before as us, you know where everything is and this is going to be a piece of cake, right?
Cut to demons screaming.
Future Nova: You know, it all happened so long ago, but I’m sure it’ll come back once we reacquaint ourselves with our surroundings.
Future Nova turns his attention to the elder Johnny.
Future Nova: You gotta spritz before we go hunting? Our bladders don’t have the endurance they used to.
Future GBJ: I’m packing.
The Future Garbage Bag pulls his shirt up to reveal the waistband of an adult diaper peeking up over his loose shorts.
Future Nova: You got any extras?
Future GBJ nods and beckons Future Nova to follow him to the bathroom for diaper application. When GBJ and Nova are sure their future versions are out of view, they begin whispering to each other.
Nova: Is this a little weird to you, man?
Garbage Bag Johnny: The part where we’re hanging out with future versions of ourselves, or the part where the future versions help each other put on diapers?
Nova: I mean that video.
Garbage Bag Johnny: Oh yeah. That, too. What was with all the-
Future GBJ hops back into the room, interrupting the conversation, but holding a couple extra adult diapers.
Future GBJ: You guys good? We got extras.
Nova’s look says it all, and Future GBJ shrugs and sets the extras aside as a freshly diapered Future Nova joins them.
Future Nova: Vamonos!