ABE LIPSCHITZ VS. MAX KAEL?
The match graphic appears as the crowd gives a loud cheer in anticipation for this one.
Nick Stuart: What more is there to say? We have Abe Lipschitz against… Max? Kael?
Richard Parker: I? Guess? So?
Nick Stuart: Either way, let’s go to ringside and Vince Howard.
The scene goes to ringside.
Vince Howard: This match is for ONE FALL! Introducing first… from Arkham, Massachusetts… weighing in at two-hundred-twenty pounds… he is???… MAX… KAEL?????!!!!!!
The lights in the arena lower as the stage is covered in a single pale white light. The simmering opening piano notes of “Am I A Psycho” by Tech N9ne (Feat. B.o.B & Hopskin) signals the arrival of the first double, first generation and Unhall of Famer talent, Max Kael?. As the bass line drops, in pumps to life the pale white light beginning to rotate between red and blue to the beat.
Richard Parker: Arkham, Massachusetts, is fictional, right? I’ve never been.
Nick Stuart: Not answering that.
The opening refrain of the music starts as U.N. Couth sweeps out onto the stage wearing a black business suit and skirt with an expression that explains that she despises the fact she is there.
Richard Parker: What a nice, pleasant looking lady.
Nick Stuart: (sarcasm) Yeah, she looks real friendly.
Slinking out of the shadows behind U.N. Couth and into the flashing light is the lean, hungry vision that is Maximillian Kael?. The boos and jeers of the crowd rain down on the duo as Max begins to sway and bob his head to the music with a shark toothed smile drawn across his face, a stark contrast to the unpleasant frown Couth wears.
Having grown tired of standing on the stage, U.N. Couth reaches back and grabs Max by the shirt, pulling him out of his apparent trance. The two seem to engage in an intense stare down as Kael?’s evil smile jumps into a savage snarl. Couth snaps around and begins to march down to the ring seemingly breaking the tension as Max stalks down behind her though he maintains the steady head pop to the music.
The angry old woman marches up the ring steps and waits on the apron for Max. He quickly jumps up onto the ring, holding the ropes open begrudgingly to allow Couth to enter the ring. She enters and immediately begins to badger the referee, Elivs Nixon, to which he wants none of it. Max seems to hang on the ropes for a moment before rolling through them into the ring in an awkward, strangely flexible manner. He quickly throws both his hands into the air and struts to the center of the squared circle, a manic, wild look in his eyes to match the toothy grin on his face.
As his music dies down Max slithers to his corner while receiving loud, largely useless advice from U.N. Couth.
Vince Howard: And his opponent… from Virginia Beach, Virginia… weighing two-hundred-ten pounds… ABE LIPSCHITZ!
“I Love Your Smile” by Shanice Wilson plays as the crowd cheers and out walks Lipschitz. He makes his way down the ramp, although at first he looks rather overwhelmed by the figure in the middle of the ring and the screaming old lady beside him. Regardless, using the crowd as energy, Abe pumps himself up and slides into the ring as U.N. Couth exits and watches from the apron.
The crowd is WHITE HOT for the sound of the bell in anticipation to watch Abe Lipschitz (hopefully) beat Max Kael?.
Abe races towards Max but Max sidesteps the rush and steers Abe into the ropes. On the bounce back, Max looks for a rake to the eyes but Abe grabs Kael?’s hand right before Max does and connects with a side Russian leg sweep. Lipschitz follows with an elbow drop. He pulls Kael? off the mat and Irish whips him into a corner.
Nick Stuart: There’s got to be some ring-rust by Kael? here.
Richard Parker: You think? He’s been dead for two years!
Nick Stuart: Apparently three.
Kael? meets the corner but then he BURSTS out of it upon immediately meeting the padding (U.N. screaming at him doesn’t hurt, either). Max catches Lipschitz with a full blown clothesline, or, in other words, a king kong lariat. However, Lipschitz is right back on his feet.
Kael? drills Ape with an Arkham uppercut.
Lipschitz is back on his feet. So Kael? hammers his opponent with another uppercut.
Lipschitz is back up again!
This time Max goes for the rake to the eyes! With Lipschitz bent over, Max connects with a hanging neckbreaker!
Nick Stuart: Max seemed mildly frustrated he wasn’t able to keep Abe Lipschitz on the mat so he cheated to gain a better advantage!
Richard Parker: It’s smart wrestling, Nick. Two moves worked but not well enough, so poke him in the eyes and be done with it. I enjoy the change of pace!
However, Kael? isn’t finished with Lipschitz just yet. There’s no pinfall attempt. Instead, Max drags Lipschitz off the mat and walks him over to a corner of the ring.
Kael? throws Lipschitz’s head off the top turnbuckle pad.
There’s an inaudible heh from Max Kael? as this time he winds Lipschitz’s head back as far as it can go, looking to slam Abe’s skull THROUGH the buckle for a final time.
No! Lipschitz puts his hands out to block it!
Abe follows with an elbow into Max Kael?’s gut. This is followed by a second elbow, a third, a fourth. There’s a quick fifth for good measure, too. Then Abe looks at the top turnbuckle padding, the one his own head was absolutely pounded through moments ago.
It’s Lipschitz’s turn.
Or no, it’s not!
A fumbling Max Kael? kneels over in pain, and then ever-so-quietly slides his left arm over to the front of Abe Lipschitz’s legs. As quick as a flash of lighting, the former dead guy? knocks Abe in the dick with a sly low blow, so underhanded and clever referee Elvis Nixon didn’t see a thing.
In fact, Nixon only shows confusion when Lipschitz doubles over and walks to the center of the ring, having no idea what put him in such a vulnerable position.
Meanwhile, U.N. Couth claps!
Now it’s time for Max Kael? to lick his chops. If he has chops. Do dead people have chops?
Kael? charges but suddenly he’s caught in a powerslam by Lipschitz!
Nick Stuart: We have a cover!
The crowd sighs at two, although from the expression on Abe’s face suggests he knew this wouldn’t get him the victory. Instead, he quickly slides into the right position, attempting to work Kael? Into some arm bar submission… but Max grits his teeth and starts slithering towards the ropes. He gets there before Lipschitz applies the move so the Virginia native has to drop the hold.
Both men are on their feet. Max races towards Lipschitz but this time he ducks a spinning heel kick. Kael? hits the far set of ropes and right as Lipschitz is pulling himself off the mat, Kael? lands a killer sounding dropkick to Abe’s face!
Nick Stuart: The lights are out!
Indeed, they are. Lipschitz doesn’t move an inch. Max Kael? chuckles to himself as he slowly bends down and then holds his back, almost like it was hard to move into his position for what is likely the first time in years? Regardless, Kael? snatches Lipschitz’s body off the mat and drags it in the air, parallel to himself…
Blue thunder bomb!
Kael? demands a pin, all while he sports a wicked grin on his face!
U.N. Couth can’t believe it! Yet the surprised look on Max’s mug doesn’t last long. While the crowd cheers and hopes Abe Lipschitz can pull himself together, it clearly looks like Max Kael? Is hitting another level.
A dangerous level.
Kael? whips Lipschitz into a belly-to-back suplex. Max holds on and then performs a running release suplex! If it wasn’t for the bottom rope that Lipschitz crashes into, he likely would’ve been thrown right out of the ring and landed on his head!
Kael? measures Lipschitz and goes running in with a high impact elbow drop to the back of Abe’s head.
Nick Stuart: I think this match may need to be thrown out soon.
Richard Parker: Soon? Soon!? It IS over, Nick but I’m here for more of it!
Kael? purposefully pulls Lipschitz off the mat and into another suplex position… but this time Abe breaks away! There’s life left and, therefore, there’s life left in the crowd! Abe fires right forearms over and over into Max’s head. He turns to race into the ropes-
But Max grabs hold of Lipschitz’s hair! Lipschitz crashes to the mat in a heap since his body wanted to go one way but instead Kael?’s STRONG grip tells Lipschitz he can’t do it. So here we are, Abe is on the mat.
On the outside of the ring… U.N. Couth starts screaming at Kael?. Seemingly, he doesn’t seem to register what she’s saying.
A wicked grin crosses Max’s face. He looms over his opponent and first knees Abe in the side of the head. Lipschitz tries to cover up on the second knee and he does rather well. This means U.N. Couth tells Kael? to change it up and throw Lipschitz into the ropes so he does. Max kicks Abe in the stomach… and might be looking to set Lipschitz up for a devastating maneuver but Lipschitz pulls away at the last second. This springs Kael? into further action, where he merely rolls Abe into a small package and hooks the tights as well!
Nick Stuart: I thought it was over!
A last second kickout by Lipschitz keeps the match going. But it’s clear Max Kael? wants to try ending the match in a hurry. U.N. Couth hops onto the apron. This grabs referee Elvis Nixon’s attention and he SCREAMS for her to get down. The exact SECOND Nixon diverts his attention is the very SAME second Max reaches into his tights and pulls something out.
Nick Stuart: Oh no…
Kael? has a substance in his hands and he throws it towards Abe’s face! The crowd gives an AHHHH in response.
Nick Stuart: Pocket stand!
Richard Parker: At least it wasn’t something else in his pants. Also, sand is way better than shitty mouth mist.
Lipschitz stumbles around in the center of the ring. He’s throwing punches but they aren’t connecting. He’s not even close.
Kael? connects with a low blow for additional leverage and then he works Abe Lipschitz into a tiger driver position.
Tiger driver ‘91.
AKA The Weapon of Max Destruction!
Richard Parker: D.O.A.
Right after Lipschitz meets the mat, Couth hops off the apron and Nixon spins around, realizing there’s a cover so he slides into the proper position!
The fall is academic, as the crowd reigns in their boos.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: The winner of this match… MAX… KAEL?!!!!!!
U.N. Couth is back on the apron, clapping her hands with approval as Max Kael? rolls off Lipschitz and eventually out of the ring. He walks up the rampway with Couth, both of them not looking back. Max dusts off his hands, likely to actually dust off his hands but also to prove a point, that he made quick work of the fan favorite.
Nick Stuart: A solid first victory for Max Kael?.
Richard Parker: I’d say so.
Revival goes to commercial as Abe recovers on the mat.