ABE LIPSCHITZ vs. TONY GAMBLE
Vince Howard. Ring. Microphone.
Vince Howard: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first…
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
That would be the opening barrage of doo-doo-doo’s from Shanice Wilson’s timeless classic “I Love Your Smile.”
Vince Howard: Hailing from Virginia Beach and weighing in at two-hundred and ten pounds…
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Oh hey. It’s more doo-doo-doo’s. Also, it’s Abe Lipschitz. He’s not walking to the ring tonight, instead he’s being carried on what appears to be a giant ass made of papier-mache, and yes you have to spell paper with the “i” like that or else FLAMBERGE will appear behind you as a real person and add your neck to his collection. Look, these are the rules. I don’t make them, but I do like breathing.
Vince Howard: He is ABE… THE BABE… LIPSCHIIIIIIIIIITZ!!
For the record, when questioned about it later, the backstage crew responsible for crafting the ass will confess that it is modeled after a 58-year old woman. They will also admit that it’s not the weirdest thing they’ve been asked to make, because there was the whole incident with Johnny and Nova smoking their surfboard-joint at Great American Nightmare.
The ass-themed palanquin is being carried by the Jimmy Bonafide Dancers. Not all of them, because Biff’s arthritis is flaring up today, so he’s lumbering behind the crowd holding a giant fan that looks like a peacock.
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
The group arrive at ringside just before the actual lyrics kick in, and Abe descends his butt-throne before sliding into the ring.
Nick Stuart: Curious by their absence tonight are the Black Metal Friends.
Richard Parker: Oh THAT’S curious?! I’m still trying to figure out what we just saw.
It was a giant ass, Richard. I was very clear about that. Some people, I swear to god.
Vince Howard: And his opponent…
“You think I’m funny… Funny how?”
The unmistakable voice of Joe Pesci irritates the eardrums right before Metallica’s ‘Better Than You’ begins to blast through the PA System, the calling card of Tony ‘The Grin’ Gamble. He walks out at the same time the music kicks in, passing a quick arrogant glance toward the crowd before making his way toward the ring once the lyrics of the song kick in.
Vince Howard: He hails from Las Vegas, Nevada and weighs in tonight at one-hundred and eighty-seven pounds…
I look at you, then you me
Hungry and thirsty are we
Holding the lion’s share
Holding the key
Holding me back ’cause I’m striving to be
Footage from Revolution 94 when Gamble locked The Illustrious Face Eater into his ‘Smile For Me’ submission and won the Internet Title plays.
Vince Howard: A member of the PRIME Hall of Fame…
Better than you
Better than you
Better than you
Better than you
Tony takes his time walking up the ring steps, staring into the ring for a few seconds with his left hand on the top rope, before ducking between the top and middle rope to step into the ring. Footage from Revolution 106 plays, where Gamble slams Kenjiro Ito face first into the mat with his ‘Stop Laughing At Me’ signature move.
Lock horns, I push and I strive
Some how I feel more alive
Bury the need for it
Bury the seed
Bury me deep when there’s no will to be
Vince Howard: The Grin… TONEEEEEEEEEEEEE GAMBULLLLLLLLLLL!!
Another clip shows, this one from the Great American Nightmare; where Tony Gamble became the Five Star Champion by pinning Chandler Tsonda.
Better than you
Better than you
Better than you
Better than you
DING DING
Gamble sets a black bag in the corner under one of the turnbuckles. This is totally not foreshadowing at all, you guys.
Nick Stuart: The opening bell has…
Richard Parker: Sounded. Yeah, we know. And next you’re going to say “and this one’s underway.”
Nick Stuart: I was, actually.
Richard Parker: I know. It’s like you’ve got a template for these things sometimes.
Shut up, Richard, you’re giving away my secrets.
A lot of matches start with the competitors in a feeling-out process. Sometimes they circle, and do the whole “lock up” thing to see who’s stronger. In the Before Times, they might do a test of strength, which is probably the better way to see who the strong boy is. Also that’s how the phrase “Greco-Roman knuckle lock” was invented. Eventually punching and kicking will happen, and then things just go from there.
This is not how this match begins.
This match starts with Tony Gamble walking to the center of the ring and offering his hand to his opponent, except that before Abe has a chance to even process what’s going on, he’s been poked in the eye by that same hand.
Nick Stuart: Well, I can see how this is going to go.
Richard Parker: Do you know who can’t see right now? Abe Lipschitz.
Nick Stuart: (sighing) Guess I walked right into that one.
Richard Parker: Do you know who else walked right into that one?
Fret not, ye fan of the internet graps, for graps are about to happen once Google stops trying to autocorrect “graps” into “grapes”. Grapes are not happening.
Completely ignoring the referee’s warning, Gamble begins laying into Lipschitz with hard shots. Two rights, a kick to the midsection, and then a snap suplex takes Abe to the mat. Gamble covers his opponent, making sure to press his forearm down hard into Abe’s face as he does so, but a kickout happens just as Barlow’s hand comes down for the first time.
Gamble doesn’t let up. He steps to the side and locks up Lipschitz snug, before snapping down with a DDT. Abe Takes the move hard, bouncing over and into a seated position before falling back prone. A standing elbow drop lands across his throat. Then another. Then a third.
Nick Stuart: Tony Gamble trying to decapitate his opponent in the early portion of this match.
Richard Parker: This match might have a late portion at the rate this is going.
Gamble again makes the cover, but only scores a two-count before Abe kicks out. The Grin all but leaps to his feet, then spends the next few moments grinding the heel of his boot into Abe Lipschitz’s forehead while trying to explain the proper way to count to Ashley Barlow. Abe manages to shove him off so he can get back to his feet. A kick from Gamble is caught, and a dragon screw leg whip gives The Babe a moment to catch his breath.
Nick Stuart: So far we’ve already seen Tony Gamble go for the eyes, and then lecture the referee while standing on a man’s face.
Richard Parker: I know! It’s very exciting.
Both men are up on their feet. Gamble shakes off the newfound ache in his leg, which gives Abe an opening to get some momentum and connect with a spinning heel kick that drops The Grin. A diving knee drop follows, and then it’s Abe’s turn to make a cover. Just as with Gamble, this one only gets a two-count before the kickout.
Nick Stuart: Irish whip into the ropes by Lipschitz. Gamble on the rebound…
Abe the Babe ducks, and Gamble leaps over him with a sunset flip. Try as he might, The Grin isn’t able to take the younger man over, and he kicks his legs wildly to try and get some added momentum. For his part, Abe looks a little loopy on his feet, and he waves his arms as he tries to maintain his balance. In an alternate universe, some Irish lads might refer to this as “Aloha Abe” on their popular video podcast.
Nick Stuart: Gamble trying to bring Lipschitz down, but the size difference is making that hard.
Richard Parker: I’m pretty sure the flailing isn’t helping.
Point of order: Abe is currently facing away from the hard camera that PRIME sets up at all of its shows, so fans at home are seeing this from behind. This is relevant because after a moment of waving his arms to maintain his balance, Abe starts to transition into something more… well… sensual. There’s a slow, rhythmic gyration of the hips. Gamble lets go, because of course he does. He needs his hands free so he can shield his eyes. Hell, even referee Ashley Barlow looks uncomfortable, and she’s been in the ring with Bobby Dean before.
Nick Stuart: Ummm…
Richard Parker: Nick, do you have a pen?
Nick Stuart: Why, do you need to make a note of this?
Richard Parker: No, it’s for my eyes.
Gamble peeks out between his fingers just in time to see Magen Nackedy’s favorite wrestler glance back over his shoulder and wink to the hard camera. Fans at home watch as Abe’s expression changes from one of smug satisfaction to one of agonized pain. You see during the nonsense, Tony Gamble used one of his hands to make a fist. He then introduced it to Abe Lipschitz’s naughty bitschitz. Why isn’t he being reprimanded for this? Because Ashley Barlow had to look away.
Gamble is able to scoot out of the way as Abe collapses on the spot, narrowly missing The Grin with what would have otherwise been a very sudden and violent teabagging.
Richard Parker: Oh thank god that’s over.
Ashley Barlow is now very much aware of the writhing Abe, because it’s hard to ignore a man in neon pink tights rolling in the middle of the ring and clutching his groin. So she does the thing that referees are trained to do in these situations, which is to make sure the alleged perpetrator of penis crimes is cautioned against further criming.
This is a movie Gamble has seen a thousand times over the course of his career, so the following chain of events unfolds in this order. First, he leans over and offers a hand to Abe, still very much in the middle of waiting for all of his parts to settle back to where they should be. Second, The Grin turns his head and smirks at Barlow, and gives her a thumbs-up with his other hand. Then, with the hand he offered to Abe, Gamble pokes Lipschitz in the eye.
Nick Stuart: My goodness, the absolute balls on that man.
Richard Parker: Abe? I’m pretty sure they’ve just been turned into jelly. Maybe Doctor Reform will send him a “sorry about your dick” card.
Nick Stuart: What? No. I meant Gamble for the… Oh, nevermind.
All of this is in clear view of the referee, who starts another round of admonishment but is forced to stop when Gamble uses the opportunity to make a cover.
ONE
Richard Parker: Though knowing the good doctor, it would probably be an “apologies for the woeful condition in which you find your phallus,” or something. Bet it would be full of big words.
TWO
And here, my friends, is where Abe kicks out. It’s rather emphatic, because when a man hits you in the pills and then pokes you in the eye it’s not a pleasant experience to then also be trapped under his tiny, sweaty body.
Abe staggers to the corner to try and collect his bearings, but Gamble isn’t far behind. A back elbow catches The Grin below the eye, and for a moment the Hall of Famer is dazed. Abe follows up ducking behind his opponent and trapping both of his arms.
Nick Stuart: Vanderpumphandle Slam!
And now it’s Abe’s turn for a cover, and referee Barlow seems very eager to count this one.
ONE
Nick Stuart: Could this be enough?
Richard Parker: Against a masteerrrrrrrrrrrr of cheatly like Tony G?
TWO
Nick Stuart: Did you just have a stroke?
Richard Parker: No.
Gamble kicks out, but Lipschitz continues to press his attack now that he’s swung some momentum in his favor.
Nick Stuart: Then why did you just turn “cheat” into an adverb?
Richard Parker: Look, the less said about that the better.
Abe gets a hold of Gamble and this time the Irish whip is successful. Gamble slams into turnbuckles back-first, but doesn’t have any time to compose himself before he’s run into with a version of the Abe-Alanche. The Babe backs away, builds up some more momentum, and hurls himself at Gamble again. A third one is cut short, as Gamble tries to pull the referee in front of himself for protection.
Nick Stuart: You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were fines coming Tony Gamble’s way after this.
Richard Parker: Where on the Luchador Scale do you think those fines would rank? We talking like “case of Modelo”, or “vacation home in Puerto Vallarta”?
Both men begin jockeying for position in the corner with each trying to trap the other against the buckles. Referee Barlow attempts to separate the two men, but a healthy shove by Gamble sends Lipschitz barreling into her. She’s sent careening back and down the mat.
That’s right, y’all. It’s a ref bump!
Hey, remember that black bag that was briefly mentioned at the start of this shindig? Well it’s back in the fold. As Abe checks on the referee, The Grin grabs the satchel from underneath the bottom rope and removes its contents.
Nick Stuart: Tony Gamble has the Alias title belt!
Richard Parker: It’s GAS property, Nick. He was very clear about that earlier tonight.
Abe turns and is immediately introduced to the big gold plate at the center of the strap.
Nick Stuart: A shot by Gamble, and now Lipschitz is busted open.
Indeed, the belt shot appears to have wounded young Abe pretty severely. What at first looked like a glancing blow now shows a flood of crimson pouring out of the forehead of The Babe. Gamble, who has already tossed the evidence onto the ringside floor, takes note of this new development. And as Barlow gets back to her feet, Gamble makes a fist, leans over, and dips his knuckles in the blood on Abe’s forehead.
When the referee turns and sees the carnage, the first thing she does is ask how this happened. It’s here that Gamble points to his now-bloody fist. And then, with his alibi established, he once again goes for the cover.
ONE
Nick Stuart: Abe Lipschitz was just assaulted with the Alias title, and now Tony Gamble is going to steal this one!
TWO
Richard Parker: Maybe he’s sending a message. Like “Here’s a good look, you’ll never see this again.”
The referee’s hand stops mere inches away from the canvas, much to Tony’s chagrin. Word play!
Nick Stuart: Foot on the ropes! Abe Lipschitz got his foot on the ropes!
Richard Parker: And he’s going to need a transfusion when this is over. Good lord, the kid is just leaking all over the ring.
Indeed, the ring is getting good and red. The color red, not the person Red. Though one of these men is likely going to have to eat the sad cake when this is over.
Gamble grabs Abe by the arm and pulls him over onto his stomach, beginning the process of trying to lock in his patented Smile For Me. As he reaches over to try and trap Abe’s second arm, The Babe manages to get his feet underneath him and slowly starts pushing himself to a vertical base, all while The Grin clings to his back.
Nick Stuart: Gamble still trying to get that submission locked in, but Abe is giving it everything he’s got to fight back.
Richard Parker: I might be impressed if I wasn’t so damn grossed out. Someone get this child a Capri Sun so he doesn’t pass out from the blood loss!
Abe manages to shift Gamble’s weight from across his shoulders.
Nick Stuart: Hot Cross Stuns!! Hot Cross Stuns!! Abe Lipschitz was able to shift his weight and get Tony Gamble into position.
Abe all but collapses onto his opponent.
ONE
In a daze, Tony Gamble reaches out his arms towards the nearest rope; towards salvation.
TWO
It falls just an inch short.
THREE
Somewhere, Martha Stewart signs a copy of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and has it sent to “the handsome man with the little pink pants.” Maybe. Probably. Who knows.
DING DING DING
Vince Howard: The winner of this match… ABE LIPSCHITZ!!!!!
PRIME’s medical team hits the ring to check on Abe’s wound. They’ll be surprised to learn that it’s not very big, nor is it very deep. Meanwhile, Gamble rolls out of the ring and collects the Alias title from its spot on the floor. After all, it’s GAS property.
We then fade to a commercial.