AH DO ME RAY
“You think I’m funny… Funny how?”
The unmistakable voice of Joe Pesci irritates the eardrums right before Metallica’s ‘Better Than You’ begins to blast through the PA System, the calling card of Tony ‘The Grin’ Gamble. He walks out at the same time the music kicks in, Domingo Cruz and Frank Pastore on either side. All three men are wearing black shirts with #ADOREME in white Comic Sans font across the front. The three men make their way down the ramp and toward the ring once the lyrics of the song kick in.
I look at you, then you me
Hungry and thirsty are we
Holding the lion’s share
Holding the key
Holding me back ’cause I’m striving to be
Footage from ReVolution 94 when Gamble locked The Illustrious Face Eater into his ‘Smile For Me’ submission and won the Internet Title.
Better than you
Better than you
Better than you
Better than you
The Gamble Adoration Syndicate take their time walking up the ring steps, Gamble stares into the ring for a few seconds with his left hand on the top rope, before ducking between the top and middle rope to step into the ring. Footage from The Great American Nightmare event of 2007, where Tony Gamble managed to outwit Wade Elliott to win the Intense Title.
Lock horns, I push and I strive
Some how I feel more alive
Bury the need for it
Bury the seed
Bury me deep when there’s no will to be
Another clip shows, this one from the Great American Nightmare; where Tony Gamble became the Five Star Champion by pinning Chandler Tsonda.
Better than you
Better than you
Better than you
Better than you
The booing from the crowd seems to get louder as the music fades away. Tony nods his head for a few moments, then brings the mic to his lips.
Tony Gamble: I know how you all feel, I’m just as unhappy with the way things went down at UltraViolence too. And believe me, I don’t plan on letting he who we shall not call by name off the hook. Oh no, I plan on making it a priority to see to it that he pays for what he did. No one should take things so far that another man’s livelihood is at risk. That is unacceptable, and the price he pays for that is going to be a hefty one. But enough about him for a moment, because his time will come.
He lowers the microphone long enough to bring his free hand to his face and wipe at his eyes quickly.
Tony Gamble: Right now I want to take a moment to thank all of you that sent me get well soon cards and fruit arrangements. I want to say thank you for taking time out of your day to send me JibJab’s that brought a smile to my face, and an even bigger thank you to everyone that is doing their part to keep hashtag adore me trending on all social media platforms. I know that you all adore me, but ladies I want to send a special thank you for all the choice photos of yourselves in slightly revealing lingerie. It is you that truly lifted my spirits, and helped me get through a really trying time.
He stops again, shaking his head for a moment as he once again wipes at his eyes. This time though, Domingo walks over and hands him a handkerchief. Tony takes it and you can slightly hear him say thank you before bringing the microphone back to his lips.
Tony Gamble: Speaking of trying times, I think some of you are aware that my dear old friend Jonathon Rhine got hurt at UltraViolence. It’s a terrible situation that he has been put in, and the four of us would like him to know that we are…
The Grin realizes that there are only two other people in the ring with him.
Tony Gamble: Oh, that’s right, we have yet to introduce you to the newest member of the Gamble Adoration Syndicate… Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, please join me in welcoming…..
The sounds of Dean Martin fill the arena as “You’re Nobody ‘Til Somebody Loves You” is played. A couple of seconds pass. Then a couple more. Finally, Mortimer Kjedelig emerges sporting his black and teal tracksuit. “G.A.S.” is emblazoned on both the back of his tracksuit as well as his mask. He slowly makes his way to the ring, eyeing Tony Gamble through the mask. Mortimer enters the ring and leans into the microphone so he is eye to eye with “The Grin”.
Mortimer Kjedelig: So, here we are, eyes to nose. You beat me. I admit it, I got beat by a pocket paisan. I ain’t gonna bitch and moan about it. I lost. And if there’s one thing in this shitty life I’ve learned, it’s when you lose, you deal with the fuckin’ shit that goes with it. Here I am with Gamble Ascertaition Syndicate or whatever it is befuddled all over my gear! I’m even wearin’ this fuckin’ t-shirt!
Mortimer Kjedelig unzips the tracksuit jacket and removes it revealing the t-shirt that reads “#ADOREME” and respectfully takes the microphone from Tony Gamble. He looks down at the t-shirt he’s wearing and then back up to Tony.
Mortimer Kjedleig: “AH DO RAY ME”. What the fuck does that even mean? What’re we, some kinda barbershop quartet now? I can’t sing for shit otherwise I’d be doin’ “Guys and Dolls” on Broadway.
Mortimer Kjedelig looks at Tony, Tony looks at Mortimer. Domingo looks at Mortimer, then looks at Tony, and then looks at Mortimer. Frank looks at his shoes. They are loafers.
Mortimer Kjedelig: So, what’s it gonna be Tony-Tony-Tone-Tone? You changin’ my name de plum here or what? What’s it gonna be? ‘Cause I fuckin’ know you’re not usin’ any of my ass kickin’ names. The world’s waitin’. You gonna call me Fuckface Shitterbottom? Come on, Tone! How ya gonna humiliate me now? Huh? Morty Mossyballs? Jerk-Off Jerry? What’s my fuckin’ name Tony?
Tony motions to Domingo who pulls out an envelope and hands it to Mortimer Kjedelig. Mortimer opens it and begins reading.
Mortimer Kjedelig: “Player’s choice. ‘The Full Monty’ Montgomery Kuh-Jedi-Lig or Mortimer Knightingale.” You pricky shit! If I’m forced to choose….I guess….Mortimer Knightingale….
Tony Gamble: You’re welcome.
Gamble turns back to the crowd, that damn grin turned all the way up to max.
Tony Gamble: While it’s nice to have another smiling face adoring me, along with everyone here and the hundreds watching from home, tonight isn’t all about me. No, we’re here to show support for a fallen friend.
The Permascar Superstar hands the microphone to Knightingale, and removes his #ADOREME shirt to reveal another underneath. One that gets a very negative response from the crowd.
It has #STANDINGFORJON across the front.
Tony holds his hand up to quell the crowd, but it doesn’t work very well.
Tony Gamble: I know, it upsets me too. A few days ago I got this cramp in my calf. It hurt so bad I didn’t think I would ever be able to walk again, so not only do I know how much pain Rhine felt when he and Paxton had their little falling out – I’m proof that there is a silver lining to what happ…
Voice behind the curtain: Alright, alright, that’s enough outta you, Wingtips.
No music tonight, just The Anglo Luchador in his Fighting for Jonathan shirt, shorts, and, of course, the Intense Championship wrapped around his waist like a good tecnico wears a title belt.
TAL: Look, I know you think everything’s funny haha. I get it. I like japes too. For example, you watch television, Tony? Of course you don’t. You’re too busy doing legitimate business things.
Gamble’s smile turns upside down. At least the one he can control.
TAL: I get it though. Some men just want to watch the world burn. You’re one of them. The biggest problem is even though there’s a lot wrong with this world, with PRIME, I think it’s worth saving.
Roar from the crowd.
TAL: It doesn’t hurt that you keep wantonly firing shots in my direction or in the direction of people I care about. There’s the matter of this Intense Championship, how you keep taking credit for this. I felt bad about it for a while. But after going through wars with John Boy and Larry Tact? I earned this title through blood and steel. Then had to go and be a chauvinist on Jabber to a woman who left the company after her man breached his contract.
A big “ooh” rises up from the crowd now.
TAL: Regardless of your opinion on that couple? Telling a woman to go make a sandwich when this company has several talented women who can and have hung with the men on this roster? Real scumbag shit, Tone. But it’s these shots at Jon Rhine, man. I can take you screwing with me. This is wrestling. I need thirty hands to count how many times someone did me wrong in the ring, either through attacks or tainting an accomplishment. People not in the company, who cares, they’re gone. But Jon Rhine? The man is in a hospital bed right now and you gotta take shots.
Boos rain down on Gamble.
TAL: King Blueberry has the main issue fighting for Jon. I’ll take this ancillary battle, because Wingtips? I’m sick of you. I need to shut you up, and there’s only one place that can happen. In that ring you’re standing in.
Big cheer rises up.
Nick Stuart: The Intense Champion, laying down the gauntlet!
Richard Parker: This man trying to pick a fight with the ma… err, I mean a legitimate business?
TAL: So, how about it? You, me, and leave all those Duprees in the back. Let’s settle this, Hall of Famer to Future Hall of Famer.
Tony Gamble: That sounds like a fabulous idea. You let me know which future hall of famer you want to represent you, and I’ll… Oh, you’re talking about yourself, that’s cute.
Tony walks over to the ropes and leans on them with his forearms.
Tony Gamble: But you know what… you’re on. Next week, you and I go one on one for the Intense title. Say your goodbye’s now, because you’re looking at the soon to be two-time Intense Title champion.
TAL: I get the feeling my dance card is punched, but even if we can’t do it next week, why don’t you save the date for Colossus?
The crowd roars at the suggestion.
TAL: But whether it’s at ReVival 17 or in Madison Square Garden, I’m gonna get me a pound of your legitimate businessperson flesh, capice?
The Intense Champion stares daggers at Gamble as he tosses the microphone to the commentary desk and walks back to Argyle position. Tony just smiled as he motions for the rest of the Gamble Adoration Syndicate to exit the ring as we cut to the backstage area.