ALIAS TITLE: ABE LIPSCHITZ VS. TONY GAMBLE
Vince Howard: The following contest is schedule for one fall and is for…
He looks at the card in his hand, and then at the other person in the ring. The one in the referee stripes. The one who looks like she’d rather be anywhere else.
The one who pays his salary.
Vince Howard: Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration.
“Born for this” by Divide Music starts to play through the speakers as Tony Gamble and Johnnie Newsman step out from behind the curtain, soaking in the chorus of boos that rain down from the crowd.
##Where my heart is, rests my very soul
And the colors bleed from blue to gold
When the choice is mine and mine alone
I won’t give in even if you break my bones##
Vince Howard: Coming to the –
Johnnie Newsman: Hold please. I say again, hold please.
##I won’t give in ’till your sins have been atoned
All I see is the flickering lights below me
All I need is the power to change what I see
If I can give a little, not a second thought##
Johnnie Newsman: I am so sorry to be interrupting, mister Vince, but we cannot have you doing the mistake with Tony’s name again.
##If I’m stuck in the middle, I will take the shot, woah
All I wanna be, yeah##
Tony stretches his arms out wide, welcoming the crowd’s form of adoration as Johnnie continues to speak.
Johnnie Newsman: Coming to your ring, with a weight of one hundred and the eighty nine pounds of lean, healthy muscles on a man.
##Yeah, I was born for this
I will keep my secrets high above
In the hopes to protect the ones I love
But I wonder where in darkness lies the truth##
Tony makes his way down the ramp, ignoring the few smarks in the crowd that actually do like him. They reach their arms out, awaiting a slap of acknowledgement that will never come as Johnnie stays at the top of the ramp.
Johnnie Newsman: He is your Permascar Superstar.
##Of the one who took their lives, you can’t excuse
I don’t fear you, I won’t let you take my home
I will climb through to wherever you may roam
I won’t give in, you can even break my bones##
Tony climbs the steps, looking out at the fans that have not quieted down at all since he stepped out from behind the curtain. They love to hate him.
Johnnie Newsman: TOOOOOOOOOOOONYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
##What is within is a strength you’ll never know
All I see is the flickering lights below me
All I need is the power to change what I see##
He steps in between the middle and top ropes to get into the ring, making his way to the center.
Johnnie Newsman: THE GRRRRRRIINNNNNNNN!!
##If I can give a little, not a second thought
If I’m stuck in the middle, I will take the shot, woah##
He drops down to one knee.
Johnnie Newsman: GAAAAAAAAMMBLLLLLLEEEEE!!
##All I wanna be, yeah##
He stretches his arms out once again, then throws back his head to stare straight up in the air.
##Yeah, I was born for this##
Nick Stuart: Vince Howard not having the best night, if the last few minutes are any indication.
Richard Parker: Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have the lean, healthy muscles of a man, Nick?
Nick Stuart: My doctor says I’m in great health.
I wonder if things are going to start trending upwards for Mister Howard.
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
That would be the opening barrage of doo-doo-doo’s from Shanice Wilson’s timeless classic “I Love Your Smile.”
Vince Howard: Hailing from Virginia Beach and weighing in at two-hundred and ten pounds…
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Abe Lipschitz and the many, many feathers of Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration step out onto the stage to take in the Baltimore crowd. Of course, Abe is not alone. He’s joined tonight by a small cadre of young, athletic, muscle-y men that flank him as he walks to the ring.
Behold the Troy Boys.
Vince Howard: He is the current champion of Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration…
An eye roll from tonight’s special guest referee.
Each member of the Troy Boys, those handsome devils, are dressed to honor the different stages of Lindsay Troy’s career. There’s “Avril Lavigne’s First Hit Single” Troy. “Business Casual Matron of Owls” Troy is there. There’s even a version whose silhouette appears slightly pixelated, as if he was ripped straight from a popular wrestling game. His name is Zephram, and he has an unhealthy obsession with the Koji Clutch. Fortunately “What The Fuck, Dean?” Troy is absent, because no one wanted to cosplay that.
Vince Howard: He is ABE… THE BABE… LIPSCHIIIIIIIIIITZ!!
Nick Stuart: I’m not sure if this is better or worse than I imagined tonight’s entrance to be.
Richard Parker: I saw the original draft, Nick. It could have been so, so much worse. We’re talking “drive to Massachusetts with a bat and a shovel” worse.
Each of Troy Boys is carrying an owl balloon, which are all released into the air as soon as Abe gets to ringside.
Nick Stuart: Someone’s going to have to get those down.
Richard Parker: Meh, there’s a roof, and they’ll fall eventually.
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
The Troy Boys hoist Abe onto the ring apron before Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration is removed and held aloft, and oh boy this sentence makes no goddamn sense if you don’t realize that’s the name for the Alias Title.
DING DING
Tony Gamble walks to the center of the ring with one hand behind his back and the other extended out in front of him in a sign of friendship and good sportsmanship, so it’s obvious how this is going to go. He tried this same tactic during the ReVival 28 match to great success, using the distraction to quickly blind his opponent. This time Abe is ready, and oh so eager to defend the honor of Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration. The Scenery Boy bats Gamble’s gesture away and then starts throwing hands. So many hands. All the hands. One of those hands cracks the Grin in the corner of the mouth and draws a little blood. Probably not two stitches worth, but still.
Nick Stuart: It seems that wanting Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration is more than just lip service from Abe Lipschitz.
Richard Parker: Ugh!!
Nick Stuart: What?
Richard Parker: You’re one hundred percent getting an angry letter for that one.
Nick Stuart: What do you mean “angry letter”?
Richard Parker: You know… from that one guy? The one who hates puns?
Gamble recovers and fires back with a vengeance. A series of punches drive Lipschitz back into the corner, but the barrage doesn’t stop. He lands another half dozen blows before pausing, because something about this doesn’t feel right. There should be yelling. There should be a referee telling him to knock it off. But when he glances over his shoulder to find the referee all he sees is Lindsay Troy casually leaning against the ropes with her arms folded.
LIke any great scientist, Tony Gamble has a theory to test. He starts by poking The Babe in the eyes with his index and middle fingers. Then he glances back to where Troy is standing. Nothing. Not even the slightest hint of annoyance.
Nick Stuart: Timo Bolamba might want to have a chat with the boss about refereeing techniques when this is all over.
Richard Parker: Lemme know how that works out for him.
Well, no more than was already there for having to referee this debacle, but still.
Time to push his testing to the next level. He grabs Abe around the throat with both hands and leans all his body weight against him. Lipschitz reaches out, his arms and legs thrashing, but finds no aid from tonight’s special referee. After another moment with no repercussions, Gamble steps back. The grin blooms into a full-blown smile.
Lipschitz stumbles out of the corner, coughing and hacking and desperate to catch his breath. Gamble kicks him in the crotch. Just a straight-up boot to the dick. The ol’ yam scrambler, as they say in Tuscaloosa. Abe doubles over to clutch at his tender bits, and Gamble snaps him to the mat with a DDT.
Gamble slides out of the ring. He’s been able to get away with plenty so far, but it’s time to see what happens when things escalate. The timekeeper suddenly finds himself without a chair, and The Grin takes a moment to contemplate his new weapon before reentering the ring.
He raises the chair high above his head, but feels resistance when he tries to bring it down on the back of Abe Lipschitz.
Nick Stuart: Lindsay Troy has got the chair! I guess we know where her line is.
Richard Parker: I’m not surprised. I’ve seen Legend. I know you’re not supposed to let the unicorn die.
Nick Stuart: Ummm..
Richard Parker: Oh. Umm… I mean… shit. PLEASE EDIT THAT OUT OF THE BROADCAST!
Nick Stuart: Plenty of people in the production heard it, Richard.
Richard Parker: PLEASE EDIT THAT OUT OF YOUR BRAINS!
She pulls the chair out of his hands as Tony’s smile fades. But, instead of throwing the chair away, Troy brings it over to the corner of the ring, unfolds it, and takes a seat.
Nick Stuart: Oh. Well. This is a new development.
Richard Parker: She is a very busy woman and deserves to have some “me” time even if it’s in the middle of a match.
Nick Stuart: She’s still going to find out what you said about Abe being her unicorn.
RIchard Parker: GODDAMMIT!
Gamble, now slightly perturbed at the loss of his weapon, turns his attention back to Abe. He snaps off an elbow drop to the back of The Babe’s neck as he starts to rise, and then quickly goes for a cover.
Lindsay Troy does not get up.
ONE!
Richard Parker: Did she…
TWO!
Nick Stuart: She sure did.
Before Troy can stomp her foot for the third time, Abe gets his shoulder up.
Nick Stuart: Well, we do know that she’s currently suffering from a rib injury, so I guess it makes sense to not want to hit the canvas to count.
Richard Parker: I swear I’ve seen someone do this before.
Gamble pulls Abe back up to his feet, and armed with the knowledge that he’s going to do something very dastardly to get disqualified, goes right back to work. First with another poke to Abe’s eyeballs, and then with another shot to Abe’s balls-balls.
Meanwhile, the boss takes the phone from her pocket and starts tapping. That Vae Victis group chat isn’t going to read itself, you know.
Nick Stuart: This is the damndest thing.
A piledriver follows, and then Gamble moves for another cover, but not before turning Abe so that his shoulders are aimed away from Troy’s view. She puts down her phone, stands up from the chair, and quickly – and painfully – slides in to make the count. Just before her hand hits the mat for the first time, Tony Gamble stands up. The look he gets in return could burn down an Applebee’s with its intensity.
Richard Parker: Might have spoken too soon, Nick.
Nick Stuart: And now things could get really interesting.
Richard Parker: To be fair, that’s entirely within the rules. Not the eye stuff and pee-pee stuff, but everything else. Besides, this is exactly how you should treat a man who willingly hangs out with Jiles and company.
There are words exchanged in the ring between Gamble and Troy, but what they are is a mystery. They’re spoken in a tone of voice that requires the listener to pay absolute attention in order to hear the message.
Unbeknownst to the folks in the ring (but knownst to us), Abe has rolled onto the arena floor to recover, and a wall of Troy Boys has formed around him to give him some privacy. And as the conversation between Gamble and Troy ends, Abe is steadying himself on the ring apron.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Nick Stuart: Springboard clothesline by Abe Lipschitz, and Tony Gamble damn near gets his head taken off!
Richard Parker: That would be a great shame. It would be real weird to look at his smiling face if he was beheaded.
Nick Stuart: I don’t… what?
Despite the way the match started, there is a new fire in Abe Lipschitz. Tony Gamble committed the ultimate sin: he made Lindsay Troy look like a fool, and made him an unwitting pawn in his little prank. This will not stand. Being the champion of Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration demands it be avenged.
Retribution is swift. The Scenery Boy uses the momentum from his airborne attack and rolls through, then charges for the ropes to build up some speed. Gamble, now stumbling on his feet and dazed from the impact, is sent sprawling into the corner by a spinning heel kick that lands flush on his jaw.
Nick Stuart: Some new fire here out of the man they call The Scenery Boy. We may not always understand or agree with his methods, but there is no question that he is here for one purpose…
Richard Parker: To piss me, specifically, off.
Nick Stuart: To defend Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration.
Richard Parker: Sure, also that.
A flurry of kicks and stomps assails Gamble in the corner, and just as before there is no one to insist that the match be brought back into the ring proper. For all Troy is concerned, these two could kill each other here and now and she would be all the better for it (though there would probably be a mountain of paperwork to deal with).
Gamble manages to break free, crawling between Abe’s legs towards the center of the ring. Abe wastes no time in going to the high rent district again as he climbs the turnbuckles and leaps towards The Grin, catching him with a flying bulldog that earns a chorus of cheers from the mass of Troy Boys at ringside.
Richard Parker: You stop this, Abraham. You stop this right now! That’s a hall of famer you’re in there with.
Nick Stuart: A hall of famer who started this match by using every dirty tactic he could think of in order to try and win.
Richard Parker: It’s called the Hall of Fame, Nick. Not the Hall of Good Behavior.
Lipschitz is unrelenting, much to the delight of the Troy Boys. Well, all of them except for Zephram. He’s too busy trying to Koji Clutch the Spanish announce table. Not the broadcasters who sit there, mind you. The actual table. It’s not working out so well for him.
Nick Stuart: The champion pulling Gamble back up to his feet, and an Irish Whip…
Richard Parker: Racist!
Nick Stuart: …sends Gamble into the ropes.
A pop-up dropkick finds its target, blasting The Grin along the jawline and sending him sprawling once again. He catches his breath in the corner, turning just in time to see Abe charging at him with a head full of steam. At the last second Gamble moves, and crashes chest first into the corner.
Gamble manages to trap Lipschitz in a rear waistlock, looking for a way to re-establish his grip on this match, but the Scenery Boy has other things in mind. He stomps on Gamble’s foot. Then again. And a third time. When Gamble loosens his grip, Abe manages to get his arms around The Grin’s neck.
Nick Stuart: BAM! Snapmare driver!
Richard Parker: Since when does he use one of those?!
Nick Stuart: Nothing is off limits when Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration is on the line, Richard.
Richard Parker: It doesn’t have to be right now, but I want you to take some time and think about what you just said, and the context you said it in. And then I bet you’re going to feel silly.
Nick Stuart: That’s what he named the championship!
Richard Parker: Yeah, but still.
Lipschitz doesn’t give Gamble long to recover, and brings him to his feet almost immediately. He looks out into the crowd, and they can sense what’s coming next. He scoops Gamble up, looking to connect with the Hot Cross Stuns and finish this, but The Grin slides off of his shoulder and throws Abe forward. It’s all he can do to put on the brakes before crashing into Lindsay Troy.
Richard Parker: No, Tony! This is how you end up in the Forever Broom Closet!
Abe begins to apologize for almost crashing into the boss’ personal space, but before he can get many words out Gamble spins him around and pulls him to the mat.
Nick Stuart: Small package!
ONE!
Richard Parker: It’s perfectly average, thank you very much.
TWO!
Abe tries to fight it, but Gamble shifts his weight and locks his legs together.
THREE!!!
DING DING DING
Richard Parker: JUSTICE!!
Nick Stuart: Tony Gamble has done it! Lindsay Troy’s Love and Admiration is once again the sole property of the Gamble Adoration Syndicate!
Richard Parker: And now I want you to think about how that sounds. Pretty amazing, isn’t it?
As soon as the bell sounds, Troy slides out of the ring. And though she tries to hide it, there’s a wince with every movement from the rib injury she’s been dealing with. Traditionally the championship presentation is the responsibility of the referee, but with Troy gone that honor has fallen to Vince Howard. It’s not every day a ring announcer has to struggle with getting a peacock belt into the ring, so there’ll be plenty of pictures of this on Reddit in the coming days.
Gamble takes the belt, plucks a feather from the strap, and lets it fall to the mat not far from where Abe is trying to make sense of what just happened.
She loves you not.
We then cut to commercial.