ALIAS TITLE MATCH: C. MORTGOMERY BYRNES vs. ABE LIPSCHITZ

From the hype video, we pan around PetCo Stadium for everyone’s favorite part of the evening…

SIGN TIME

SEND MY BEAUREGARDS TO SAN DIEGO
LOOK IT’S SHAMU… WAIT THAT’S JUST BOBBY DEAN
FATHER MY CHILD OUT OF WEDLOCK TAB
I THINK BY NOW IF YOU STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER YOU’RE JUST BEING WILLFULLY IGNORANT
I AM CHANDLER TSONDA
I AM TSONDACUS
I’M CHANDLER TSONDA AND SO IS MY WIFE
IM HERE TO GET STUFFED BY BOBBY DEAN
BRIAN INSERT SHOULD HAVE SUED
AH TONY GAMBLE, GERMAN FOR A WHALE’S VAGINA

Nick Stuart: We’re opening things off with the Alias Championship, where Abe Lipschitz earned a title shot for eliminating Mortgomery at the Rumble match.

Richard Parker: God I hate this kid.

Nick Stuart: Fans, I’m being told that our next entrance is being sponsored by Ferguson Schmerguson’s… ummm…

Richard Parker: Just say it, Nick.

Nick sighs.

Nick Stuart: Ferguson Schmerguson’s Glory Hole and Carpentry Service. For all your low-budget needs, call Schmerguson’s. Schmerguson’s: let us drill ’em so you can fill… Alright, I’m not reading the rest of this.

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo

That would be the beginning of “I Love Your Smile” by Shanice Wilson.

Vince Howard: Making his way to the ring and hailing from Virginia Beach and weighing in at two-hundred and ten pounds…

The fans turn their attention to the entrance, but none of them are prepared for what they’re about to witness. The first thing they see is the oversized face of Lindsay Troy, though some people might debate this because it looks as though whoever sculpted it wasn’t entirely sure of what her skin tone should be. The giant head is attached to a giant body, the whole thing posed as it she’s laying down on her stomach with her head raised and her feet crossed at the ankles.

It’s important to note that she’s very tastefully dressed. We’re not weirdos here, you know.

Richard Parker: I think someone’s going to die for this, Nick.

Also Abe Lipschitz is riding to the ring in her butt crack.

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo

His Troy-themed vehicle is flanked on either side by an honor guard of attractive 50-somethings, all dressed like sexy owls.

Richard Parker: Oh yeah. There is definitely a murder in someone’s future.

Abe’s got a special shirt for the occasion. It’s a custom job that reads, “Yeah I’m into BBW! Bringing Bobby Waffles.”

Vince Howard: He is ABE… THE BABE… LIPSCHIIIIIIIIIITZ!!

The Troy butt chariot arrives at ringside, where two of the owl maidens help Abe dismount before he slides into the ring.

Nick Stuart: There are no words.

Richard Parker: I disagree, partner. I have several in my mind right now.

The opening riffs of “You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You” by Dean Martin begins and the masked man emerges from the curtain as the lights dim and the spotlights shine on the ramp. C. Montgomery Byrnes begins making his way down the ramp, looking at his opponent oddly.

Nick Stuart: The champion looks very confused by what he just saw.

Richard Parker: Join the club!

Vince Howard: Making his way to the ring from Horace, North Dakota, weighing in at 248 pounds…he is the Alias Champion…C! MOOOORTGOOOMERRYYYYY BYYYYRNES!

As he walks by, he pays no attention to the fans, he’s there to a job and his gait shows it. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope, step up to the middle turnbuckle and raise his hands in the air as the spotlight shines upon him. He hops off the turnbuckle and readies himself for the match as the music fades. He and Abe look at each other, and once again Mort gives him a very confused look. 

DING DING

C. Mortgomery Byrnes runs in for a clothesline, but Abe immediately flops down on his back, then kip-ups, causing the fans to cheer. Byrnes turns around and goes for another clothesline with the same result. The fans cheer and clap as Byrnes gets frustrated.

Nick Stuart: Abe Lipschitz is showing off impressive athleticism to start this match!

Byrnes runs in for one more clothesline, and Abe flops down once more, but Byrnes hasn’t won this title by being stupid. He waits for Abe to flop, then stops and delivers an elbow drop across the neck. He then pops up and mocks the cheering of the crowd, shouting and clapping. This causes the crowd to boo and heckle the Dickweed Bastard Gremlin. 

Richard Parker: You know, this is satisfying.

Nick Stuart: What is, Abe getting an elbow across the throat?

Richard Parker: That, and also having two wrestlers that I can gleefully and enthusiastically root for and against. No conflicted feelings, no hating the same people the fans hate – I can just look at Abe’s dumb face and feel safe and sound wanting C. Mortgomery to pound the crap out of him!

Well, just about a minute into this match, Richard is getting his wish. After the elbow drop and taunt, Mort lifts Abe up and then drops him in a backbreaker, then slaps on a sleeper hold. Abe swings his arms wildly, looking for escape, but Mort continues to tighten the hold. After a few moments, Abe gets his feet under him and slowly stands. 

Nick Stuart: Quick start for Byrnes here, Abe is struggling under the weight and strength of the Alias Champion.

Richard Parker: The dumb kid is going to realize that title matches are more intense than your usual match. This celeb wannabe thinks he can just sleepwalk into stardom, but now he’s just being put to sleep!

Abe is back to his feet and sees the turnbuckle. He slowly inches towards it, then when he gets close enough puts his legs on the turnbuckle.

Nick Stuart: What’s he doing here?

It’s a smart idea actually. Abe is using his last bit of strength to kick off of the turnbuckle, then flip over and break free of the hold, perhaps also using his momentum to slam Mortgomery down as well. 

There is one small problem, though. Mort doesn’t let go of Abe’s head.

WHAMMM!!!

Nick Stuart: My God! That was brutal! Abe essentially just launched himself into a headlock suplex! Mort covers!

ONE!

TWO!

Abe kicks out and rolls over, muttering “Well that was dumb” to himself. Mortgomery stands up slowly and grabs Abe’s head, sending him into the ropes. Abe ducks under a clothesline and runs to the other side, then leaps at Mort but is caught. 

Nick Stuart: Well the early story here is that Abe is quick and springy, but Mortgomery’s size is proving to be too much for him. 

Mort holds Abe for a minute, jeering at the fans ringside. This momentary lapse gives Abe the Babe a bit of room to do something. And what he starts to do is…wiggle. 

Now, this is a common thing in wrestling: the smaller man is in the bigger man’s arms, and so he struggles and is able to escape the hold and put on some type of fun, flippy maneuver to make the crowd cheer. But this isn’t any type of wiggling we’ve seen before.

Richard Parker: Is that weirdo grinding on Mortgomery’s shoulder?

Yes, Richard, he is. The action causes Mort to double take, then start to move his arms around wildly. This is all part of Abe’s plan, as he now uses Mort’s movements to flip up and grab Mort’s arm, landing in a bulldog. 

Richard Parker: Mort needs to file a police report!

Nick Stuart: Well it’s unconventional, but it got Abe his first offense of the match!

Richard Parker: That was sexual assault! Does no one care?

The crowd doesn’t. They’re cheering like mad as Abe stands up, his arms up in the air, celebrating like he already won the title. After soaking in the reaction for a few moments, he turns around to find a fully recovered C. Mortgomery Byrnes seething in anger behind him.

Abe Lipschitz: Uh oh. 

Mort has been trying to level Abe with clothesline all match long. He ducked under several to start, then one on the Irish whip. And if you know anything about the Stan Hansen Clothesline Principle, you know that every time you miss a clothesline, you build up power for when you finally connect with a clothesline. So when Mort finally connects with this clothesline, it’s enough to cause Abe to flip once in the air before landing on his back.

Nick Stuart: Wow! What power from Byrnes! 

Mort jumps on Abe for the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

Nick Stuart: Another kickout from Abe, but he’s really feeling the effects from that clothesline. You have to wonder how much longer he can hold up from this power assault by Byrnes.

Richard Parker: And if he can’t, he will be just like the others who have tried and failed against Mort. The Alias Title stipulation is one and done! If you can’t beat him, you’re never getting a crack at this title again!

Nick Stuart: He’s been a successful champion so far, taking down all of his opponents, which is admirable for a man who started off without a win in his first few matches. But now he’s a champion, and he’s fully in control of this match. 

Mort is clearly still angry about the shoulder hump thing. He lifts Abe up and guides him to the corner, then traps him there and slaps him in the chest. Abe coils against the turnbuckle, and Mort unleashes another slap. Then, Mort lifts him up to a seated position on the turnbuckle. 

Richard Parker: He’s trying to end it all!

Mort climbs to the top, then grabs Abe by his tights. He tries to lift him over, but Abe uses his feet to hook the turnbuckle, preventing him from being lifted. Mort tries a second, then a third time, but Abe sends two punches to his side, then pushes Mort so that he falls onto his back.

RRRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Nick Stuart: The risk didn’t pay off! And now Abe is about to try a risk of his own!

WHAMMM!!!

RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Richard Parker: That one did!

Nick Stuart: Diving knee drop on Mort! And Abe goes for the cover!

ONE!

TWO!

TH…

Nick Stuart: So close, but Mortgomery kicked out right before the three count!

Abe leaps to his feet, feeling the momentum that he just wrested control from Mort. He watches Mort try to get to his feet, then takes Mort’s arm and sticks in between Mort’s legs. He poses for just a moment, smiling, before lifting Mort up and slamming him onto the canvas. 

Nick Stuart: Vanderpumphandle slam!

Richard Parker: So just a pump handle slam, then?

Nick Stuart: Abe with the cover again!

ONE!

TWO!

Mort kicks out again. Abe, despite his happiness for most of this match, looks at Jimmy Turnbull as if he ran over his dog. 

Abe Lipschitz: TWO?

Jimmy confirms, holding two fingers up. Abe persist.

Abe Lipschitz: Have you even WATCHED the show?

Jimmy barks back, saying of course he has seen the show, but that doesn’t change the fact that Mort got his shoulder up before three. Abe finally relents, getting to his feet. The distraction gives C. Mortgomery Byrnes an opportunity to sweep Abe’s legs out from under him. Abe gets up, but Mort gets him over in a quick suplex, then immediately slaps on a headlock.

Nick Stuart: Here we are again, with Abe Lipschitz trapped in a C. Mortgomery Byrnes headlock. Abe has shown some life, but Byrnes is showing why he’s the champion here. 

Richard Parker: Yeah, the kid is springy, I’ll give him that. But the best way to get someone like that to stop is to choke them out.

Abe is still struggling. Jimmy Turnbull gets down on his knees, asking if Abe quits. He says no, but his arms are starting to droop and his eyes are starting to close. The fans start cheering, and after a few moments it seems to energize The Scenery Boy. He opens his eyes, then starts shaking his arms and moving. He generates enough momentum to stand up, then leans against the corner. He uses his momentum to toss Mort to the other corner. As he rushes behind him, Mortgomery hits him with an elbow, then Irish whips him back to the original corner. Mort charges him…

RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Nick Stuart: Abe moves!

Without wasting any time, Abe runs to the corner and then runs back at Mort, crushing him in the corner with an avalanche splash.

Nick Stuart: I think it’s time for an Abe-alanche!

Richard Parker: God I hate this kid.

Abe charges and hits a splash, and then goes back for another. The fans start to buzz as he runs to the corner for one more splash, but before he gets there Mort stands up, ducks under Abe, grabbing his arm and trapping him in a neckbreaker in one fluid motion.

Nick Stuart: Bust Out!

Richard Parker: That was gorgeous!

Nick Stuart: It certainly was, Richard, and now Mortgomery is trying to end this!

Mortgomery grabs the prone Abe and lifts him to his feet, then tucks in his arms.

Nick Stuart: He’s going for the Double Arm DDT! 

Richard Parker: Hahahaha – no!

Richard’s laughter is interrupted because he sees Abe suddenly gain new life, lifting his arms up and twisting his body to escape. As Mortgomery turns to see what happened, Abe grabs him and turns him over, then jumps to a seated position, leaving the Alias Champion to slam his head against the mat.

Nick Stuart: Abe escaped! Hot Cross Stuns! Hot Cross Stuns!

Richard Parker: No! No!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING DING DING

RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Nick Stuart: He did it! We have a new Alias Champion!

Richard Parker: Where is Tony Gamble! Where are the brass knuckles? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?!

Vince Howard: YOUR WINNER, AND NEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ALIAS CHAMPION…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAABE LIIIIIIIPSCHIIIIIIIIIITZ!

RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

We then cut backstage to someone almost as ridiculous as Abe Lipschitz.

Almost.