ALIAS TITLE TOURNAMENT: MORTIMER KNIGHTINGALE vs. DARIN ZION
Nick Stuart: Up next we have an Alias Title second round matchup between Darin Zion and Mortimer Knightingale. Who do you like in this one, Rich?
Richard Parker: The crazy, lunatic, deranged, insane part of me wants Darin to win. Ya know, so I can experience what the ensuing shit storm at Culture Shock would be like. Then, on the other hand, the grounded, very sane part of me wants Mort to win because it would save me from said shit storm. Tough call.
Nick Stuart: Either way, one of these men will be going to Culture Shock and competing for the Alias Championship. Big match. Lots on the line. Let’s get down to it.
The opening riffs of “You’re Nobody Til Somebody Loves You” by Dean Martin begins and the masked man emerges from the curtain as the lights dim and the spotlights shine on the ramp. Mortimer begins making his way down the ramp, pointing to the fans in attendance. As he walks by, he pays no attention to the fans, he’s there to a job and his gait shows it.
Vince Howard: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Making his way to the ring, from Horace, North Dakota…weighing in at 248 pounds…MOOOORTIIMEEEEERRRR KNIGHTENGALE!
Mortimer slides into the ring under the bottom rope, steps up to the middle turnbuckle and raises his hands in the air as the spotlight shines upon him. He hops off the turnbuckle and readies himself for the match as the music fades.
Nick Stuart: Mort looks ready.
Richard Parker: Lofty assumption if you ask me.
Nick Stuart: Oh?
Richard Parker: He has a mask on; he could be ghost white underneath there. Lest you forget he’s up against Darin Zion tonight!
The whole place, arena, staff, PRIMEates, whatever critters are crawling around in the bowels, pauses for the ultimate record skip. Then, a second or so later, an eruption of raucous laughter and thunderous rat chirpings beam all the way up to outer space.
Nick Stuart: Good one, Dick.
Richard Parker: OH SHIT!
Darin, under the guise of a High Octane Wrestling fan, hops the guardrail and slides into the ring before his music even has a chance to play. And by fan I mean he has a HOW t-shirt on with their slogan “I just want to travel the world more” scribbled on the back of it.
Nick Stuart: I wonder if that’s really their slogan?
Richard Parker: Nah, pretty sure it’s in Darin’s bio. He doesn’t have a ring entrance so consider it the next best thing.
Zion does not hesitate and attacks Mort before PRIME Senior Officiate, Timo Bolamba, can get between them. The Big Z lands a wild, yet somewhat destructive flurry of kicks and punches that send his opponent stumbling back into the corner.
Richard Parker: …… …. . Besides, their slogan is probably something like, “So hot we’ll actually set you on fire.” Or, “So high only crackheads watch us.” Or, “We put the Timber in Lake.”
Nick Stuart: Just couldn’t help yourself.
Relentless, Darin quickly drives his shoulder into Mort’s gut not once, not twice, but three times causing Mort to fall down gasping for the wind that was just shoulder blocked out of him. Then, in what might seem like a bid to help his opponent further conceal his identity, Darin removes his one of one t-shirt and throws it in Mort’s face.
Nick Stuart: The way Darin is acting you’d think that “yes” he pried out of a fan a few days back was contingent upon him winning here tonight.
Distressed, Bolamba admonishes Darin as if he were a young Eddie, and yells for him to find his corner. Minus the belt of course. He does reach for it, but his ref slacks fortunately for Darin have an elastic waist. The 97th Wonder of the World begrudgingly listens and finds his corner. Then, the only ref with two monocle collections helps Mortimer back up to his feet, removes the discarded tee from his face, makes sure he’s clear of any cobwebs, and calls for the bell!
Nick Stuart: And now we’re officially underway.
Darin goes charging in; not wanting to let a golden opportunity pass him by. He loads up, and fires off a clothesline which his opponent barely ducks under. Then, he quickly bounces off the ropes and attempts a flying body splash on the rebound.
Nick Stuart: Ut-oh!
Mortimer catches Darin and in a single swift movement desperately delivers a savvy scoop powerslam. He sticks the finish which causes Timo to drop down and count!
Nick Stuart: Almost had him! Darin with a kick out to keep him in the running for the Alias Title!
Richard Parker: Wait, isn’t this guy supposed to be fired?
Still a touch woozy from the sneak attack, Knightingale slowly rolls off of Darin and takes a moment. The brief rest also provides his prey with a chance to gather himself and get to his feet. The two meet in the center of the ring, locking horns like festive, brooding rams.
Nick Stuart: Who’s going to gain the edge?
Exhausting all his might, Darin holds his own for a second longer than anyone might have thought. His prize for all that courage is still getting hastily ushered into the corner. However, before Mort can act upon his positioning, Zion sneaks a savvy move of his own in by thumbing his opposition in the eye. The native North Dakotan abruptly stops his advance and reels back in pain.
Richard Parker: Zion, a ring vet for a lack of a nicer term, is burning through tricks like he’s got the company credit card for his bachelor party. Sneak attack. Eye poke. What’s next, a timely low blow?
The Big Z steps up onto the second rope and drops a double ax handle across the back of Mortimer’s neck. The Masked Man drops down to a knee, refusing to fall from his feet. Z-Bird then flies across the ring, builds up some momentum, and delivers a European Uppercut right to Mort’s kisser.
Richard Parker: Good thing Mortimer has a mask on. I’m pretty sure the whole front row would be drenched in his sweat after that one if he didn’t.
Nick Stuart: Indeed! What an impact! But Mortimer still won’t go down!
Richard Parker: Poor Kohime Mori.
Mort stumbles backward, and Zion charges in again. The two get tangled up, but only for a few seconds since moments after the tie up Zion drops to the ground like he’s been taken out by a sniper’s bullet.
Nick Stuart: What the hell???
No, it’s not a former PRIME Champion from the prehistoric gaseous era trying to make a comeback, or an old covert ops foe of Darin’s that finally got around to crossing his name off the list. It’s Timo, out of position, or because it’s not a Cancer Jiles match, missing a nut cracking, game changing, low blow.
A quick replay shows a different camera angle where Mort knees Darin flush between the legs.
Nick Stuart: Ouch! Hopefully The Big Z kept the ice from the champagne because that looked like it hurt.
Mortimer climbs to his feet; not one bit sorry for squaring the ledger in the trick department. He kicks Zion with a few stiff boots, and then drops an elbow on his lower back. He pulls Darin up to his feet and locks in an abdominal stretch. Timo is right there asking Darin if he’s had enough, and even though the pain is evident Darin shakes his head no.
Nick Stuart: The resilience!
Richard Parker: You ain’t kidding! I bet his nuts are still throbbing after that knee!
After a bit Darin starts to fade, and his will weakens. Timo lifts his arm up. It drops. Timo does it again. It drops. Timo does so a third time and right as it is about to drop… Darin starts to Zion Up!
Nick Stuart: SECOND LIFE!
Sadly for the soon to be bereaved, Mort isn’t playing along with the goofy antics. He releases the submission hold only to smoothly transition into his patent arm trap neckbreaker, titled BUST OUT. Then, he doesn’t waste a moment getting Darin back on his feet so he can plant him with a DOUBLE ARM DDT.
Which he does.
Richard Parker: That should do it.
Mort hooks the leg for good measure.
Timo drops down and counts the three.
DING! DING!! DING!!!
Mort rolls off Zion for the second time tonight, and stands tall in victory.
Nick Stuart: Mortimer Knightingale outlasts a game Darin Zion and will now go to Culture Shock and face ****** for the Alias Championship. I must say, tough, good match we had here, Rich. Though, I guess we’ll just have to wait for the unchecked madness that a Darin Zion title reign would bring.
Richard Parker: That’s okay, the world will sleep a little bit safer tonight.
Nick Stuart: And huge congrats to Mortimer on turning it around here as of late. He’s earned it, and he’ll get his title shot.
The shot cuts away from Timo holding Mort’s arm in victory. We then cut to commercial.