ANNA DANIELS VS. JONATHAN-CHRISTOPHER HALL
Vince Howard: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first…
The first notes of Aerosmith’s power ballad about the time Bruce Willis, Peter Stormare, and all of Peter Stormare’s quaaludes saved the earth from an asteroid begins to play over the arena speakers, and the response from the crowd is pretty much what you’d expect.
As “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” builds, the duo of Jonathan-Christopher and Vickie Hall make their way through the entrance.
Vince Howard: Introducing first… From Folsom, Louisiana and weighing in tonight and two-hundred and twenty pounds…
Jonathan-Christopher rolls into the ring and then shares a long tender look with Vickie, before blowing her a kiss.
Vince Howard: JONATHAN! CHRISTOPHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! HALL!
Nick Stuart: Hall on a bit of a hot streak lately with a recent win over two-time Universal Champion Hayes Hanlon.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, from Mount Perdition, Gallifrey… She weighs in tonight at one-hundred and thirty-five pounds…
“A Darkness In My Soul” by Solid Space begins to play, heralding the arrival of PRIME’s resident merchandise demigod. She takes her time heading to the ring, moving to her own rhythm as she takes in the space around her.
Vince Howard: ANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DAN!!!!!!!-iels!!!!
She makes her way to the stairs and slinks along the apron, whipping her feet before entering the ring. In a rapid blur she begins to chase the referee, and Jimmy Turnbull reacts like a toddler who’s just been jump-scared on Halloween. Limbs everywhere.
Casually, she strolls to a corner with her head bopping before perching herself onto the top rope.
The Timid Tiger stands in his corner looking down lovingly to where his Amazing Life Partner stands. If the technology existed you would no doubt be able to see a beam of tiny hearts floating from his eyes down to his love where they would swirl and circle around her. Everyone would say, “Wow, this is like if a Disney movie started gettin’ pervy,” but that would be a lie, because love is for everyone and not just perverts. Especially not perverts.
Emboldened by the gaze of amour, the Forever Man puffs out his chest, rolls his shoulders, and confidently turns to face his opponent.
His head is immediately punted into the eighth row by a charging Anna Daniels who connects with a running Yakuza kick right off the hop. Well, it’s not literally kicked off his body and into the crowd, because that would be murder, and even in a wrestling ring I’m pretty sure it’s the sort of thing that people get arrested for. It’s just kicked very hard, because that’s what she does.
At least he didn’t have to pay for it.
Nick Stuart: Good lord! Anna Daniels timed that perfectly, waiting until Jonathan-Christopher turned around then damn near took off his head like a comet!
Richard Parker: I don’t think that’s how comets work, Nick, but I’ll call my friend Neil deDrasse Tyson just to be sure.
Nick Stuart: You do not know famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. I refuse to believe it.
Richard Parker: No, but I know a guy named Neil Tyson who we call “Da’ Grass” because he’s a landscaper. He reads a lot, is the thing.
Before the *ahem* Alpha Male Love Boat can react, Daniels is on him. She drives him back into the corner with a flurry of strikes including one particularly nasty elbow to the forehead.
Richard Parker: But if Daniels is just gonna offer up extinction-level events like that kick, then I would respectfully like to submit a list of names for her to consider.
Nick Stuart: How many people on this list are Cancer Jiles?
Richard Parker: The first five, plus entries seven, thirteen, and then all of the twenties.
Nick Stuart: Riveting. Can I go back to trying to call this match now?
Richard Parker: You do you, playboy.
Nick Stuart: …what?
Referee Jimmy Turnbull is quick to begin the five-count, because he might have had to deal with some absolutely batshit tag teams over the last year or so, but that doesn’t mean the man can’t count. Passing second-grade math is a prerequisite for getting into ref school.
Anna backs away at the count of four, but her attention is drawn to the human pink eruption that is Vickie Hall standing on the ring apron and shouting.
Richard Parker: Before you say anything, because I know you’re going to say something… Vickie Hall has a manager’s license. The rules say she can be out here.
Nick Stuart: Still doesn’t mean she should be on the ring apron.
Richard Parker: What about aprons? Don’t get sexist, Nick.
Nick Stuart: What the…
The Vow of Virtue uses this opportunity to establish himself in the match. He reaches out and grabs Daniels by the head, then rams her directly into the turnbuckle. Then he does it a second time, and a third. By the fourth ol’ Jimmy Turnbull is forced to count again, so it’s a good thing “can count good” is the first line item on his CV.
Jimmy Turnbuckles never makes it to five, as Hall executes a snapmare takeover to bring Daniels out of the corner, all while blowing a kiss to his Amazing Life Partner on the outside. Hall wastes little time. He immediately scoots back into the corner, hops onto the second rope, and lands a quick dropkick to the back of the Time Lord’s head before she can stand.
What’s that, you ask? Is Vickie Hall clapping on the outside? Gosh golly, she sure is.
Nick Stuart: A flurry of offense here from Jonathan-Christopher Hall, who looks to be a bit more confident tonight, Richard.
Richard Parker: He’s got wins this year over two former Universal Champions in Hayes Hanlon and… and…
Nick Stuart: You already said his name once, Richard. You can say it again.
Richard Parker: Can. Won’t.
Daniels doesn’t look hurt so much as she looks annoyed. When Hall moves in to make a cover he’s staggered by a sharp upkick. The Muse hits a quick kip-up to get back to her feet, and then before the Timid Tiger can react Anna Daniels is on his shoulders and spiking him with a flash hurricanrana. The smile on Vickie Hall’s face quickly evaporates.
Instead of trying to make the cover, Daniels hits the ropes and rebounds with a punt to the side of Jonathan-Christopher’s head. He collapses face down, but the Merch Tsar runs through the move and uses her momentum to hit the opposite ropes, using the extra speed to crush the now-rising Hall back to the mat with a curb stomp.
Richard Parker: I think someone needs to get Foster Nackedy out here to give us an estimate on one of those shiny disco brain helmets. Poor Jonathan-Christopher has suffered a linebacker’s career worth of head trauma in like 2 minutes.
Nick Stuart: Fans, I’d like to take a minute to remind you that injuries – especially injuries to the head – is something we take very seriously here in PRIME…
Richard Parker: (clearly ignoring this) Think they come in Pretty Pink?
Nick Stuart: …and the safety of our athletes is always our top priority.
Richard Parker: Wait, what? Explain the shock collars, the forklifts, the swords, the people falling off of cells, the people using toolboxes inside cages, that one time that a man was thrown off a balcony, the chocolate murder… really any of it.
Nick Stuart: Uhhh… I mean…
Richard Parker: My logic is flawless.
Daniels rolls Hall onto his back, and we get our first cover of the night. Jimmy “Ms. McKenzie Gave Me a Gold Star on My Plus and Minus Test” Turnbull gets down for some mat-slappin’, which is different than Matt-slappin’, which is the thing I won’t blame anyone for wanting to do after reading this debacle.
There is a squeal of delight from the ringside area when Jonathan-Christopher Hall gets his shoulder up before the count of three. It’s loud enough that a nearby fan is startled, and he promptly spills his REGIONAL BEVERAGE on his own shirt. No one will offer to reimburse him for REGIONAL BEVERAGE, and thus he will be sad, damp, and sticky for the rest of the night.
Daniels pulls Hall back to his feet and drives a knee into his midsection then follows up with a snap uppercut. The Timid Tiger gets all wobbly, because all those bonks to the noggin will do that to you.
Nick Stuart: And there’s Vickie Hall trying to get on the ring apron. Again.
Richard Parker: Do you not understand how true love works, Nick? Her man is in trouble, and she’s naturally concerned for his well-being.
Nick Stuart: Referee Jimmy Turnbull trying to get her back to the ringside area.
Richard Parker: I don’t blame him. The man missed a blatant low-blow earlier tonight, so there’s probably a lecture in his future. And maybe an eye exam.
While the referee is distracted, the Vow of Virtue reaches up and rakes the eyes of Anna Daniels. With the Muse temporarily blinded, Hall is able to scoop her up onto his shoulders before dropping her across the knee with an awkward-looking gutbuster that appears to connect more with the side of her ribs than landing flush.
Hall looks to his Amazing Life Partner for inspiration, and then quickly darts towards the ropes to try and capitalize on the moment. Despite not landing many moves cleanly so far, he climbs to the top buckle with grace, but has to take a moment to adjust his footing because of a slick surface.
Nick Stuart: Hall going high risk. He could be trying to land that “He’s All That” moonsault.
Richard Parker: A thing of beauty for those who haven’t seen it yet.
Nick Stuart: But Anna Daniels is back on her feet!
And moving quickly at that. It’s only because of Vickie’s shouting that the Forever Man knows something is amiss, and he glances over his shoulder just as Daniels hits the back of both of his legs with a shove.
There is a collective groan from every man in the audience as Jonathan-Christopher Hall slips from his perch and lands on his Jonathan-Christopher Balls on the top turnbuckle. Daniels uses this opportunity to grab him by the head and execute a rope-aided hangman’s neckbreaker.
Nick Stuart: Daniels with another cover. This could be all!
Richard Parker: If that were me I’d let her have this one so I could run to the back and straddle an ice block for the next hour. Naked.
Nick Stuart: That’s… no… god, why would you say that?
Turnbull’s hand comes down a third time, but stops inches from the canvas when he realizes that Jonathan-Christopher has a foot on the ropes. Well, it’s not so much that he saw the foot, but rather a tiny woman in vibrant, screaming pink very aggressively alerted him to this fact.
Once again she climbs up onto the side of the ring, this time to have words with young Mr. Turnbull.
Nick Stuart: If she’s not careful, Vickie Hall is going to get herself thrown out of this match, or her husband disqualified.
Anna Daniels moves to engage, to finally be rid of this distraction once and for all. When he sees what’s going on, Jonathan-Christopher calls over to the ref while holding his neck, then drops to one knee.
Nick Stuart: Oh no, it looks like we could have an injury on our hands here tonight. Jonathan-Christopher did take a nasty fall from that neckbreaker.
Which the production team decides to show in slow-motion in a picture-in-picture display. Those heartless bastards.
Despite the harpy shouting at him from the ring apron, Turnbull has to put the safety of the wrestlers first, and so he moves to check on Jonathan-Christopher and turns his back on Vickie Hall. This is, as the kids say, “a dumb.” No sooner is his attention drawn elsewhere does Hall reach into her purse and pull out an object which she then uses to spray Anna Daniels in the eyes.
Nick Stuart: It’s that PRETTY PINK perfume! We’ve seen her use this before!
Richard Parker: And now Anna Daniels can see the true power of love!
Nick Stuart: I don’t think she can see anything at all, that got her right in the eyes!
You know who can see? The Alpha Male Love Boat. His neck may still ache, but his recovery is a certified miracle. He quickly sprints across the ring, driving Daniels into the ropes after his love has safely moved back to the floor, and uses the momentum to roll the Muse up.
Jimmy Turnbull is very clearly confused by all of this, but he still has a job to do, even if he’s not going to be great at it tonight.
Anna Daniels tries to flail, but the burning in her eyes is too strong.
DING DING DING
Once the bell rings and the match is over, Jonathan-Christopher bails out of the ring.
Nick Stuart: I can’t believe it, they stole another one! Jonathan-Christopher Hall racks up another win here on ReVival, thanks in no small part to his wife Vickie.
The pair begin to make their way up the ramp to the backstage area, while a seething Anna Daniels blinks away the last of the perfume from her eyes. The camera lingers on that image for a moment, before we go to commercial.